Sopping with Tracy

I feel kind of better in a way. I think mostly because I'm too exhausted to feel anything but being tired.

I just got back from shopping with tracy. I just got enough for for the next month or so for the weekends since I'm on the 5 day plan. I got everything for like 25 dollars too! Very proud. I had to wake up kind of early to go with her though. I fell asleep a little before 4 and woke up at like 9:30 to go with her.

I feel better when I hang out with her! She is a good distraction from being homesick. I feel like I've known her for years. I feel like we will get really close and hang out a lot. She is a really awesome person. Anyway. Veronica wanted to hang out today and show me around. I told I would go with her at 3.

Except! She wanted to go earlier but I was shopping with Tracy so I told her maybe later. Veronica is the type of person who could let that discourage her from hanging out today. So I don't know if she will respond to my text message. We'll see. I hope she can give me a ride to Church tomorrow too because I dont' want to have to figure out how to get there on the bus. I'm too lazy and I'll probably have to walk and I'm still sick. I'm coughing a lot still and blowing my nose. I hope I don't get Tracy sick.

Anyway I still miss everyone but I'm sure I will adapt and love this place even more with time. Its beautiful here and everyone is really welcoming so I shouldn't have any problems.

Dance was so fun! I'm a little rusty but I'm catching on again pretty fast. They have a club and go to conferences and perform and stuff too. You have to ask and fill out forms to perform but I shouldn't have any problems with that. I think they do that because there are a lot of people in the class and its clear that some of them are just taking it as a class and thats it. I don't think they are looking into the club that is involved with the class or performing. They just want it as a class.

I, however, would love to become involved in that. They are all very nice and the girl who teaches knows what she is doing. Love it. Can't wait to do more of that.

If veronica decides that 3pm works for hanging out with her then I need to get my nap on because 3pm will approach faster than I think while I'm asleep.

Peace!

Miss

I think the thing I miss most is my love...

I think that what pains me is knowing that I can't just go for a drive to go see him. What makes me feel broken is that seeing him whenever I please is undo-able.

I don't know why I thought that Marina being gone would be kind of nice seeing as I would have the room to myself. Why did I think that?!?

I hardly know her. We have nothing in common. She is very nice though and we get along okay. Good roommate. But I need her...

When she is here I don't have a private place to go to where I can just cry because I want to be home.

With her gone I have my own hole of misery. Alone with no one to comfort me. I can just sit here and cry and cry .

With Marina gone my fumbling hands that were struggling to hold my homesick self together just surrender completely.

I know I'll get over this....I've gone through this before....

But I feel so broken :'(

My life has changed dramatically and I have in a way lost everything.

I wish I could visit home like everyone else. I wish I could just spend an hour with my family.

I feel like there is a gash inside of me and I'm doing all I can to stop the blood from gushing out. With Marina gone, I have no strength to not let it rip me apart.

I never let myself go because there was always someone watching. But marina isn't coming back until Sunday and until then I will just have to distract myself and cope. I will have to try to hold myself together. I don't know how successful I will be but I will try.

I wish I could be in Brandon's arms. Everything is perfect there. I can be there and feel like I don't need anything else. Hearing him cry just really broke my heart. I feel selfish for leaving him. I want so badly to be with him right now. I don't care if he snores. I just want to be with him. I want to be safe.

I'm going to try to stop crying and go to sleep. I'm supposed to wake up in 6 hours to go with Tracy to the store. God bless her. She is such a sweetheart and we get along REALLY well. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her.

Life

My new life. Its going good actually :) I'm getting better so thats good. I LOVE hanging out with Tracy. She is super duper awesome. We are going to go to the dollars store tomorrow. I just finished applying to some jobs.

Dance was SO FUN!!! I loved it. I can't wait to get involved with that. I've been meeting lots of really cool people.

I have the room to myself tonight since Marina goes home on the weekends. Pretty awesome.

I feel like I have more to say but I'm tired so I'm going to watch a movie and go to bed eventually. I want to wake up at the same time as Tracy so that we can do our thang tomorrow.

PEACE!

Still Sick

Gah I'm still sick which really sucksssss. :( Cause I have to blow my nose all the time.

Also I'm kind of bored because I don't have any homework yet and I don't have much to do. I'll go to the gym at some point but I don't have class until 6pm!!! So late! What the heck do I do all day? I haven't eaten yet I suppose. I've been having two meals per day hahaa. Why you ask? I wake up late and then I have this brunch kind of thing and then I have dinner at around 5 or 6 and then its too late to go back again. So bam. I mean its kind of a waste of money that i'm spending on it but I guess someone will eat it.

I'm going to actually miss the breakfast foods because they put out lunch at 11:45. Marina just left for her first class. I'm hungry. Maybe I'll go eat right now.

Good Morning!

Marina and I woke up give or take about a half an hour ago. We are going to go eat breakfast soon. I have a class at 2 but thats it for today. I'm going to try to go to the gym after that and then come back to my dorm and take a shower and then maybe dinner. We shall see! Our dining hall closes at 7 though.
I ate at college nine and ten's dining hall last night. I need to get a lanyard too for my card like Marina I think or I'll lose it X.X

Most people here are from around here. I met a guy last night that was from Santa Ana which is VERY close to where my love lives.




ARGH!! Just came back form brunch with marina. She wanted to take the stairs and I am SO out of shape. 5 flights of stairs gah.

So I should have more time to write now that I have tons of freedom. I'll be back later I suppose. I need to bring all the boxes I used down the the recycle bin.

peace :)

Change and Adjustment

Well I'm not sure what the difference between being homesick and what I'm feeling is. Heck maybe I'm homesick! Don't get me wrong. This place is BEAUTIFUL! And everyone is SO SO nice and I have freedom. I love it all. I'm just ready to go home for awhile now though. I don't feel sad when I think about it but I just feel like, "This was really cool but I'm ready to go hang out with my family now. I'll be back later when I get sick of home." But I can't do that.

One thing I'm getting used to is the lack of privacy. I was originally a bit skeptical about having the top bunk but I got very lucky I think.
1. I don't have to make my bed or in other words I don't have to worry about my messy bed being seen by others.

2. I wanted to nap today and marina was on her computer and every now and then people would come in to see her BUT since I have the top bunk, I can nap without worrying about people seeing me while I sleep which I would prefer to not happen haha. its awesome.

3. I can lie up there alone to my thoughts. And surprisingly it is one of the most private areas that I have to myself.

There are people everywhere! I can't walk down the hallway without running into someone. I live with someone. I can't go to the bathroom or take a shower alone. I don't have the option of doing my own thing solitarily. Which also means that I can't wear the same shirt 3 days in a row LOL! Or not care that I look like crap. Like I do at home. Because there are people everywhere!

The bathroom bothers me a bit. The guys leave the toilet seat up. And when I'm on my period I don't want to have to worry about them hearing the wrappers to my pads or tampons which I already try to avoid when its only females. But I'm going to have to adjust.

I mean Its not that I want to avoid people, I just can't go anywhere without being by myself. I don't really have that option anymore.

Everyone is really really cool here though. I feel like I've known them forever.

Anywho. Only day one of actually living here so I have much more to come :)

I miss my family and friends already and of course I miss my love. He is having a really hard time with this. I hate seeing him in pain. :'( I hope it will get better.

This is all for now I suppose. I will just hover around online for awhile or until Marina sleeps. I'm watching the office too so that is passing some time. I dont' have homework yet.

Bye bye!

Why

Dear Eddie,

I'm really sorry for the way I acted tonight :'( I know I'm a bitch for rubbing it in your face like that but I didn't know any other way to approach it. You have to understand that I'm not mad at you. You didn't seem to believe me. :(

I was really looking forward to hanging out with you yesterday the whole day because it was the last time I was going to see you.
I wasn't mad or upset about the thing at jose's house either because I figured we'd be hanging out before that at least so that we could really hang out since we had the whole day. But then I found out that the whole day for you was at 5pm and with 5 or 6 other people. Which any other day I wouldn't have minded but it was the last time I was going to see you in particular and I didn't envision it that way :(
And then you didn't go to raf's house which I wasn't mad at you about either but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye at all. And none of it is your fault because technically you didn't do anything wrong but I just really felt unimportant and forgotten for the last day I was going to see my best friend. I thought we were close enough friends that you would want to spend the whole day with me for the last time we were going to see each other but I just felt stupid for feeling like that. And I could see that you weren't making a huge deal out of it so I felt stupid for getting upset about it. I felt you didn't really care. I know thats not true though. Its just me.

On top of that I had a really crappy day today. :'( I had to deal with my mom a few hours while she was grumpy and I fought horribly all day with catie through texting and at some point in the afternoon she said something that made me think she killed herself. And when I pleaded her to not hurt herself she didn't respond for a few hours. I cried hysterically for awhile thinking that she actually did kill herself. Probably the worst few hours of my life. I almost thought about ending myself if she had done anything because literally I don't think I could live without her. Tom started to drive me up to her boyfriends house so that I could see if she was okay since she wasn't responding. She finally did on our way up so then we turned around. By the time I got home I was just so worn out and exhausted and I hadn't gotten anything done at all. During those few hours I was in pure hell thinking that Catie had done something to herself :'(

None of this was your fault but mentally and physically I felt like old grated cheese and I didn't want to hang out with you like that because I wasn't fully me, but I thought it would be the last time I would see you so I had to tough it out because I wanted the time with you.

I chose to deal with it the way I did tonight instead of sobbing about something stupid in front of you.

I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight. I would have said this to your face except for a) I'm a coward b) I wouldn't have been able to explain it without crying my way through it and c) I didn't want it to be a big deal.


I'm sorry.

Catie

I love you so much but every time you do something like this it hurts me :'( I feel like you are running with a knife and you stab me on accident but you don't think it hurts so you just keep going.

I don't agree with what dad was doing but you shouldn't have just left like that. You still can't do whatever you want and you have to understand that we can't trust you. It doesn't mean that we don't love you and I think thats how you take it. It does mean however that dad is going to be annoying. So get over it.

Your actions affect the whole family. You stab everyone with a knife when you do these things. And mom feels like she gets the biggest knife.

You act like you don't care what we think. You don't care how we respond. You just do whatever you want stabbing us over and over again.

When you sent me that text message it sounded like you were happy that you got into a fight with dad so that you had an excuse to leave. That hurt me too.

I know that dad wants to trust you but you keep making it so he doesn't. You KNEW that he would not tolerate you and junior sleeping in the same bed. But you didn't care and you did it anyway. You just did whatever you wanted. Thats why he acted the way he did when you two were watching the movie. That was your fault. Not his.

But thanks again Catie. Thanks for stabbing us again so that you could get what you wanted. I hope you're happy now. Go run free in some flowers or something.

This totally made my day by the way. I'm going to be walking around bleeding all day until you fix this. Thanks again.

GAH! FAST

These last two days passed by so fast. I feel like it was Wednesday an hour ago.

Today was a really good day! I'm glad I got to spend time with everyone. I can't believe I"m officially leaving in less than a week now...

I need to just keep breathing.

I feel so heavy though :'( So much food. Sometimes I don't know how people can look at me. I feel like a baby seal...

I'm so tired. But I just wanted to state that today was a good Christmas :)

Thanks God <3

Better

I feel a lot better. We came to an understanding. A truce if you will. I'm looking forward to the next 5 days a lot. So many people to see. I love them all so much!

I have nails now :3 And they are quite lovely!! He did them in 15 mins!!! Crazy! I was at the salon for 25 mins!! Usually I'm there for at least an hour and a half.

I figured out why I've felt extra fat recently too. I had cramps this morning and Catie just had her period which means mine is in the horizon. Which really SUCKS!! Because I bought this really really cute dress for Christmas and I don't fit into it right now because I"m bloated ugh. What a waste.. I'll be able to wear some other time I guess. But I really wanted to wear it for Christmas :'( Damn period symptoms. I feel like a big blob of fatness. gah. Here is a picture of the exact one I got. It fit me a week ago. what a fail.

Okay well besides that Everything is good. I have to get ready for Christmas Eve.

ta ta!!

Angry

So fine. More than half of what you write is sad, depressing, or angry. Guess who's angry now? Guess who is hurt now?
So you get to hear me rant now.
And if you don't want to here my freaking excuses then fine don't read this.

There are always two sides to every story. Sometimes I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right for you! It makes me feel like the crappiest girlfriend ever when I really do try without losing myself. :'(

Why you didn't come to lunch with us. It was NOT my thing :( I can't just invite you to things that are planned by other people. Of course I would have loved to have lunch with you too. It was NOT that I didn't want to include you.

Why are you still with me if I make you feel unwanted or unincluded? I don't get it. If I hurt you so much all the time then why do you still want to be with me. I live two hours away from you and we can't do everything together. I'm sorry that I wasn't born in LA.

The second night I went to jose's I got invited the day of, a few hours before it happened. And I even stayed at home with you for 3 hours on the computer so that we could have time together before I went over. Not my fault :(

I'm not going to get to see these people again for a really long time so I'm trying to see them when I can. If I could spend more of it spending time with you, I would but I can't afford 25 dollars a trip to go up to see you whenever I want.

And I brought you to the zoo once. I didn't know you wanted me to bring you again :'( I know we didn't get to see that many animals because it got dark fast but I don't remember you asking me to bring you back :( I will bring you again when I have the chance okay? So don't get mad at me for not inviting you to the zoo. PLUS I didn't even know if I was going to be able to go for sure. And it was just Catie and I. I didn't invited every other person I know except for you. Why would I do these things? I'm your girlfriend. I love you :'( Why would I want to NOT invite you places and exclude you from things? I don't understand what operates in your mind that makes you think that I do these things to you on purpose.

I don't understand why you are so upset that you haven't hung out with my friends so much either because I have only met two of your friends. Greg by accident for like 1 hour and then sal but he was with his gf. Thats it...

I invite you to things when I can :'( My mom loves you. Dominic loves you. My dad loves you. Catie loves you.

I was really really looking forward to those three days with you :'( i love spending time with you so much... But if you don't want me to come then fine. Its not like you wanted me all three days anyway.

And while I'm pretty pissed off right now. I am GOING to get those tattoos. I don't care if you won't like them. Why can't you just support me :'(

If it makes you happy, you can have your dumb motorcycle but I dyed my hair and I WILL get those tattoos.

I feel like I do so much for you but apparently its not enough and it hurts.

It hurts that I can't provide for the person that means most to me in this world. It hurts that by just being me, I hurt you.

I feel like I'm punching myself in the chest because you are apart of me and when you hurt, I hurt.

Listen to me. I do love you. So much. But this is madness. You can't get upset over every little thing. Its cutting at me. I feel like someone is scraping the outside of my heart.

Usually I pick my battles with you when you get upset about ridiculous things but its hurting me. SO GET OVER IT! For me. Do it for me.... please.... I feel like I'm really losing myself by changing things for you like not talking about certain people.... I'm tired of feeling guilty for hanging out with my friends.

I'm so upset and angry and hurt right now. Just like you didn't want me to talk to you for more than half a day because you were upset, I don't want to talk to you either which is why I left.

I'm tired and exhausted and had to go Christmas shopping for my mom for the last 4 hours and I'm done with this tonight. I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you.

Three Forty Eight

Its 3:48 in the morning. Its POURING outside. It sounds just lovely though. I could sit in a glass room while it was raining forever I think.

My dad should be waking up soon.

There are a few things I want to write about except that I'm going to pass out any second. So much to do. So little time.

My next week is basically gone :(

Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family.
Christmas Day with my mom's.
26th with Brandon's family and 27th is his birthday. <3 And the 28th for time together.
Then it will be the 29th!! And I have to pack and leave 3 days after that D:

My hair won't die bleach blond :( I think it won't go past this weird orangey yellow color. I'm going to put the dye in tomorrow.

Top 3 people I'm going to miss when I leave (Not in any particular order)
1. Brandon. My love and best friend. I love you. I really appreciate you doing your part in keeping us together. I'm going to miss you when I leave :'( I'm almost glad that we have a long distance relationship. Going from seeing you everyday to once every few months would kill me completely. I'm used to not seeing you for long periods of time but I know that the months will seem like years like they did once before. I promise I will write about the day we spent together. I'm just so tired right now haha. I will video chat you and send you lots of love in many ways <3

2. Catie I love you so much kitten :( You're my best friend. I see you every day. I live with you! We laugh all the time and do everything together. I don't know how I'm going to handle being without you. It sounds sick and twisted. Who am I going to make fun of all the time! Who's going to poke me so I squeal!! Who am I going to lie on top of in the morning to wake you up!! I really hope you have a good experience at job corps. Love you <3

3. Eddie :( My other best friend.... We have some really freaking good times eddie. We've grown closer this last year and I'm going to miss you a lot too. I don't think its fully hit me yet. I think after 2 weeks of not seeing you my brain is going to get confused and start looking for you. We will keep in touch for sure. You can always make me laugh. And of course you know that you're close to my heart too and I do have love stored for you. I can always count on you.

There are my top 3. Of course I'm going to miss my family and my dogs and lots of other things but those three things are making me worry the most. I'm clinging to them these last days as much as I can.

Okay I'm falling asleep involunarily now. sure I didn't spell that right.

night

Drunk

I'm going to have to write drunk another time because nothing is really coming to me. mayte is lying down next to me super drunk too. I feel sad that my lesbian lover marina isn't coming to the US. thats the only thing I can think of right now.

MAYTE ALMOST FELL OVER LOL!!!

GOOD MOOD

I am in the best mood right now yay!! In the best mood I've been in for awhile :D

Firstly: work got cancelled again. Yay!
and I shouldn't be happy about that because I need money for school...

BUT WAIT WAIT NO! I may not have to use a dime from the money I saved up because I GOT 20,000 dollars IN FINANCIAL AID! WHAT!!

Ahahahha :D So awesome!!!

And then I called OLP to see what I have to do to get my transcripts sent to UCSC and they said I don't even have to drive there! haha!!!!! I just told them my name and the year I graduated and the school I wanted it sent to and bam done.

haha yaaaa good moood.

Also I'm watching 'The Fat Guy Strangler' episode of Family Guy again. :D

Also I'm hanging out with friends today :D

Also I think I get to see Brandon tomorrow :D

Also Marissa is coming home on Sunday. :D

Ahhh this is nice. :)

God gave me this good day and I'm going to juice it for all its worth!
Thank you God :)
I love you!

-mag

p.s. I still love you on bad days too. Don't worry. And I'm sorry I missed church last sunday :'(

Watching Kids

So I'm watching my mom's students right now. I have a pretty good view of everyone. They have exactly 1 hour and 35 mins from now to finish their final.
I thought I could take this time to bust out one of my mom's laptops and get some writing in.

That girl that helped me with my math is here. She is so nice and she really helped me out with my final. I ended up getting a B for that class too :)

My head hurts from crying myself to sleep last night.
I'm so terrified for Brandon and I. I know that we love each other as deep as anyone could love another person, but we are having problems with communication. Thats not the only problem but it would help if we communicated the same way. Whether I move farther away or not, we are struggling more and more. As much as I love him and he loves me, I know that there is at least someone better for him. He gets so angry when I say that but its true.


I am sooo hungrry.. I haven't eaten anything. So hungrrryyyy.

my mom doesn't have any good food in here. She has cans of beans, salsa, and marshmallows. What am I supposed to do with that? I've been munching on the mallows for a bit but its making me sick. I want some real food. I've been here since 10.

I was panicking not too long ago because my parents credit is super crappy and the bank denied my loan :( And then it was bye bye school. AGAIN. It would have sucked to have been accepted twice and not be able to go.

But my mom just looked at me and said, "Don't worry. We will work it out"

And so I think I'm good but I don't know for sure. Its still stressing me out.

I'll be back in a bit. My mom wants me to go buy us some lunch.

-mag

Trying

Words cannot express how much I love you.
I don't know what it is that changed between us.
I can't seem to do much to make you happy.
But I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.
You frustrate me. I frustrate you.
I feel like we are two elements that found each other in the perfect season.
We moved onto the next season and we were still spectacular.
We moved to the third season and we were still happy.
Then the fourth season hit us and we were not ready.
You reacted differently than I did.
I do not cope with this weather in the same way you do.
This season just wears us out.
Our love has not died.
It was immobile the whole time.
It did not lessen.
It did not disappear even by a pinch.
But where we are at, it is harder.
I'm trying though. I really am.
I guess like you said that if it doesn't get better by the end of the month, then our time is up.
Never think that I don't love you, because I do.
Never think that I'm just giving up.
I will let you go for both of us.
Maybe the space will help us someday in the future if we cross paths again in the right season.
I cannot predict the future.
Most things I do, because I want the best for you.

Schedule

24 days. I leave in 24 days. Kind of scary. Thats about 3 weeks.

Well I got my classes :) And here is what my schedule will look like. I'm really excited.

Monday:
SOC 103 10am-12pm
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 6-8pm

Tuesday:
LEADERSHIP 10-11:45am
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Wednesday:
SOC 15 2-3:10pm

Thursday:
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Friday:
SOC 15 8-9:10am
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 5-8pm

Saturday:
Nuthin! woop

Sunday:
DANCE 3-6pm

Pretttyyy chill :)

Really excited

Jello

Busy weekend ahead.

Been thinking a lot. Its been harder for me to sleep. Like now for instance. I think I got like 6 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired in the slightest. Marina is so gorgeous. I wish I could be as half as pretty as she is. Most of the time I want to be prettier but then I'm glad that I'm not prettier afterwards.

I have some theories.
If I'm too pretty then what kind of people would I attract? That would worry me.
If I'm too ugly then I don't attract anyone unfortunately. Thats how this society works. Its disgusting but its the truth.

I mean obviously I'm not perfect in the don't judge a book by its cover thing but I try.

So here is my theory.
Why did I not get any attention from guys at all in high school and before?
Answer: Too ugly. my eyebrows were gross my hair was gross my face was gross. I was overweight.

How did it become that I got attention after that and all the way until now?
Answer: Well kids. I groomed it up. I wore more makeup. I did something different with my hair. I'm not AS overweight as I was. I fixed my crazy eyebrows. My face cleared up a bit. I became decent looking. Not ugly but not pretty either.

THIS attracts guys like flies. I read an article that marissa sent me about online dating. In the article it showed that women that were rated 'average looking' got more messages than the 'ugly ones' or the 'extremely good looking ones'.

My theory: Guys feel safer approaching the average. They think 'Hey at least she isn't ugly'. Unless they are extremely good-looking themselves, they don't feel safe approaching the girls that are actually pretty. They fear rejection. They are intimidated. And without having to say so, they don't approach the 'ugly ones' because they would rather have someone better looking.

SO the safest bet for guys is the average looking female. They can play it safe that way.
Since I moved up to the average level I've been hoarding them in like flies to raw meat.
It was flattering at first but then it just gets annoying.

Another theory: The more unattractive the girl is, the further they might be able to go. Such a shameful thing to think but some guys are jerks like that.

Anyway. So in some ways I wish I was prettier so that I could get someone to listen to me. But I see superficialness in everyday relations all the time. Everyone knows a guy who is nicer to the girl that is prettier. Everyone knows its easier to forgive someone who looks better. The physical appeal makes things a whole lot easier for people.

But maybe too easy. I would hate if someone was nice to me only because of how I looked. I would be angry.

Even if I was skinnier that would just be fantastic. I could buy way cuter clothes. I'm tired of being a medium or sometimes a large. I want to fit into something cuter.

I think way too much about everything. This barely scratches the surface.
I try not to care what people think about the way I look but I'm only human. I work on it.

I don't let how someone looks affect the way I treat them. I mean I'm not blind, I can tell when someone is attractive but if anything, the attractive people have to prove themselves harder to me.

I miss brandon. Haven't seen him in two weeks. I upset him today. I don't know what I did. He fell asleep. Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right for him no matter how hard I try. I thought I was being a really good girlfriend but I always seem to mess up somehow. I really try to be a good girlfriend. this isn't the easiest relationship in the world but I love him and I'm still trying. Hopefully he'll come around tomorrow. I really hope he can come to dinner on saturday.

I'm going to lie down and see if I fall asleep. I have a busy next few days ahead of me.

I guess!

I guess this is really happening? I'm leaving in less than a month now.
I filled out my housing app today and found out about student loans. I also have to look through the catalog today so I can decide what classes I want.

I made my slug mail account so I have three emails to check now. Fabulous.

They say that I should take 2 classes at the most per quarter that have to do with my major and 1 or 2 elective classes which i am REALLY excited about because then I can take my graphic design or film classes on the side. So awesome.

I'm going to hang out with Jason and misc other at Cantinas and watch some glee in about 10 mins. I'll probably only watch about half because I really need some time with Brandon. I can watch the second half of glee at home.

So much going on. Gah. I need to go pee and then get outta hurr. Maybe I'll write some more later tonight. This helps a lot.

To Do

1.) Move little TV to patio
2.) Buy new hawaiian punch airwick scent. Mine ran out.
3.) Find out who wanted my leaf if I don't want it anymore. Its so pretty though....Second thoughts...
4.) Wrap Rosie's Christmas present for secret santa tonight.
5.) Finish World 1 in Mario
6.) Learn how to random dance better so that catie doesn't hit me every time I try.
7.) Make Christmas list. Better to do it now than later.

Get on it mag! Back to cleaning.

Cleaning

I'm cleaning my room right now. When I say cleaning I mean really cleaning. I mean that everything has to go somewhere. Its all being divided into 4 piles:
1.) Garbage
2.) Swap meet
3.) Storage
4.) School

I have one shelf down and done. It looks so bare. Its kind of scary. I'm used to my room feeling nice and cozy with my light clutter.

I have also been playing super mario bros constantly which is kind of funny. I can't stop playing.

The more recent scare right now is pregnancy. I haven't had my period in 2 months.

GOTCHA! totally kidding. I just had my period. Just thought I'd try and get a scare cheheh

Anyway the REAL scare is that my family and I are having a family therapy session today at 4. I'm kind of scared because things are good right now. I mean the therapy would have nice when my mom was going crazy on me or if she does in the future. Hopefully this family session won't open some kind of can of worms that will just make everything crumble. Scared. The main thing that I would like to cover is my mom's workaholicness. I think that Catie wants to talk about that too. She is there 6 days a week and hours past the end of school. Anywho. I hope it turns out okay. I'm going to keep cleaning and listening to music until then.

peace

Don't Forget

Dear Brandon,

I know that this is hard. I do know that. I know that I'm leaving soon and you've been very pessimistic on whether or not it will work when I leave and it hurts :'(

I can't say that we will last forever but I can't say that we won't but with this attitude it makes it seem extremely difficult to make it work. I'm not giving up. You know that I'm not. You know how many chances I've had to slide out of this. You know how many times I could have said goodbye.

Listen to me. I love you. I love you so much more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I'm not giving up for a long time but I need you to not give up either. Sometimes I feel like you dump your effort onto me and I have to put in the effort for the two of us. I need you to keep trying :'( I feel like you are slowly giving up. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. I know that someone could give you more than I give you and make you a million times more happy than I do, but I love you. And I'm selfish. And I still want you for myself.

But if at some point, if I can see that I cause you only pain in your life and no happiness, I will have to let you go. I love you more than anything on this earth and I want you to be happy.

When I hurt you whether it is my fault or not, I feel pain. The pain I get from hurting you is horrible. And I get this vision. I get an image of a girl somewhere who could make you happier than I could ever make you.

This girl lives closer to you and can be there whenever you need her. This girl doesn't hurt you by hanging out with her friends or going to a school far away. This girl can meet your needs much better than I can.

And as much it tears me apart to imagine you with someone else, I would endure it for you. I would go through the pain of seeing you with someone else so that you could be happy. Whether you find her in a month or in years if I let you go, I know she is out there.

You are so much more amazing than you give yourself credit for.

I know you've heard this a million times and you hate to hear it but I do make time for my friends and family. I know that it hurts you but I care about them too. I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world but I really try :'( It is more difficult to be a good girlfriend from so far away.

Please through all of this....please as I write this in tears.....know that I care about eddie. I do. He means a lot to me and he will forever be apart of my life and family. He's done so much for me and he is always there for me.

But please please don't forget that I love you.
Don't forget that my heart belongs to you.
Don't forget that I ache for you when I'm not with you.
Don't forget that you take me out of this world when I am with you.
Don't forget that your kiss brings me butterflies.
Don't forget that I love you and you have forever changed me whether we are together forever or not.

Please don't forget.

Love,
Magdalena

Perfect

Sometimes when you think things are going bad, it ends up working out perfectly in the end. I'm really glad for this.

Catie is getting much better :) I'm really really glad. When they told me that they were going to test her for HIV I was really freaking out. I love catie a lot. I need her. She's my best friend.

I ate like an old grama today. My jaw locked :( Its been locked for the past two days. It was like that when I woke up. These things usually go away with time so I should be okay in a few days. If not, I told my dad that i'd get it checked out. Also my tongue injury from biting my tongue makes it hard to eat :( Anything that puts pressure on it, makes it hurt. So when I ate lunch I ate slow and like a grama. I had to eat on one side and I had to eat in small pieces since my jaw couldn't open all the way. Lovely.

Grama Magdalena. Someday.

Maybe?

So I guess art is one of those things that I could go into if I really wanted to try. I enjoy doing it I guess but it isn't really my thing I think. I found my sketch pad though. That brought me back.

Also I was brushing my teeth and it was really hard because when I was at Jose's house on friday playing Mario, I got really into it and I bit my tongue. like REALLY hard. It hurts still kinda and I have to eat very cautiously.

Also I have been avoiding showers because our water heater is broken. So if I decide to take a shower, I feel like I'm being hit with ice. Either that or I slowly get used to it like I do at the beach but that takes FOREVER! I might have to ask my friends if I can shower at their houses like a homeless person. I feel so gross right now though. I'm going on day 4 without a shower. gah

GROSS!

Forget You!

ALSO I cannot get over this song. Gwyeneth. You are amazing. Still too bad you couldn't get your hub hub on the show ;D

ALL EDGED PAN??

I didn't even know what to make the title for this blog but I'm sure by the time I finish writing it I will figure out something.

I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm watching oprah right now and she did kind of the coolest thing ever. She filled her audience with people who have given back to their community (like to the extreme), like bunches of super volunteers and people who have done crazy charity work and such and she is giving them CRAPLOADS of free things. They are all so happy. I feel almost as lucky as they are just to see them getting something for doing something for this world. Most of them are crying haha.

I am SO glad that my period is coming to an end. I actually looked into birth control finally. I've actually been more keene about it since steph told me that it cleared up her acne. They other thing I didn't know was that if I take it, I will know exactly when I'm going to have my period. Like DEAD ON know when

WAIT WAIT OMG!!! The next thing oprah is giving away is SO GENIUS!!! I don't know WHO thought of this. OMG!! So she's right, some people just like the edge of a food dish because of the crust that forms against the pan. Omg this pan goes back and forth so that EVERYONE GETS AN EDGE! SO GENIUS! I'll post a picture. So smart. That person is a genius.

anyway so I will know exactly when I will have my period. I would kind of like that so that I dont' have to wait around wondering when its going to come. Its annoying. I also want the birth control to help with my symptoms :( I get everything guh. Bloating, acne, moody, I eat everything, my boobs hurt, I get the worst cramps ever, I get super fatigued. It just stinks so bad. So I should be getting that soon and I really hope the outcome is good. If I don't like what its doing then I'll just stop taking it.

Things are going pretty good I think. I feel good today. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should say they are going good for me in particular. Eddie has gotten kind of better and I think I believe him because we are having more fun hanging out recently. I've noticed a HUGE difference and its pretty awesome :)

Also Brandon has gotten a million times better at making me laugh too. I'm not sure whats different but he can genuinely make me crack up a lot more often than before.

To have two people close to me, become more close in ANY way, just really makes my day. I'm going to miss both of them terribly when I leave :'(

AND! If catie can keep her food down then she gets to come home today :D I am so glad that she is improving even if its just by a little.

I leave in about 39 days.

Kind of scary.

Brandon knows that I love him more than anything and visa versa, but I really hope that if we don't work out, that we could still be friends. I know that this isn't very likely because he doesn't go down without a fight. But in all seriousness I would love for us to still be okay with each other. I want to be able to check up on him every now and then and have a good chat with him about everything. I know that I can do it but i don't know if he would be up for that. Anyway, we are going to try as best we can to stay together when we go but we will see. Its so far.

But I'm ready for this. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I really am.

39 days to get ready. Lets do this.

Negative and Positive

Catie is really really sick :( I hope she'll be okay. She's throwing up and really pale. Its kind of scaring me. I love her so much, and I really hope its not an infection from her finger. She Is resting right now and has an appointment soon so thats good.

Brandon is upset with me again. I hate it when he is upset with me.
A lot of the time I take a general look at Eddie and I think that he would never get upset with me about the things that Brandon does. And sometimes I look at Eddie and think that Brandon would never do some of the things that he does. In other words, they both have their moments.

I could go really deep into the subject but at the end it would say this.
I wouldn't want either of them to change their person for anyone let alone for me. They are both close to me for being themselves.

In the end Brandon knows that I love him and Eddie is still my best friend.

So much going on. Its not fair to give the situation only a few sentences.
I don't have time to go into depth right now anyway.

On a positive note, I finally started my period so my bloatedness will go away soon. Can't wait for that.

I have to go get ready for roseanita's birthday. The end.

Goals

I have some goals set for this week. Goals of all kinds.

*SidesNote* Kanye why are you faced in an awkward position? The camera is behind you. (Gold Digger Music Video)

So anyway I just have some min goals and long term ones that I need to start on.

1. Exercise more.
2. Spend more time with the biffy (whether is in person or just talking)
3. Clean my room hardcore because I don't know who will be going through my stuff when I leave for school.
4. Try not to freak out about leaving for school. Leaving in a month and a half. Keep breathing mag.
5. Tell my family that I love them more often.
6. Sing with dominic more
7. Be more responsible.
8. Help mom More.
9. Make more home videos.
10. Spend more time with esthela
11. Pray more. I haven't had a good converstaion with God in awhile and I kind of miss him. He's given me everything that I have and some recognition every now and then isn't a lot to give.
12. Keep writing novel. I was off to a really good start.

Bam plans for today. Going to mass at 11:30 and then to the store to get stuff for lasanga and salad that we are making for today. We are all going to my Aunt Nina's house this time. I haven't been to this new place yet. Anyway, looking forward to spending time with them. This may be the second to last time I see them before I go off into the real world. My parents should rent out my room while I'm gone for some money. Anyway, I gotta go change.

ps I drank a lot last night and had a good time talking to both mike's and jose and some kid with shaggy hair named anthony. I ate rice and chicken and just had some good convos. Good times. I'm glad I don't get hangovers yay!

PEACE

Soooo Dream?

Updates Updates.... I'm bored out of my mind right now. I'll write about a dream I had about a week ago. Very weird.

I was with a group of people. I didn't know any of them and we were following someone into a dungeon. It was very deep into the castle it was in. I was wearing a black dress and a necklace made of pearls. I had strap on black shoes and I had a big white bow in my shoulder length hair. I followed along with everyone else. Everyone was dressed in dark colors, some holding onto other people. I guess some of them knew each other. They dungeons were lit with hundreds and hundreds of candles. It was a really creepy place to be in. The man that was leading us led us into a smaller dungeon also lit with candles and had us sit on wooden bleachers against the wall. I sat on the second to top bench on the edge. I was scared. The man told us that we were going to be locked away forever. But we were going to be locked away forever with one other person. We got to choose our other person based on how fast we finished making a necklace. So he gave us baskets of beads. They were very very small. They were about the size of a cookie crumb. The necklace had to be all the same color beads though. It couldn't be different beads. this would have been easy except the light was so dim because the candles didn't provide much. When he was telling us all of this I saw a man on the opposite side of the bench of my bench. He had a top hat on and was as tall as I was. He had dark brown skin and a pointy beard. He was wearing a brown plaided suit and a monocle. I have no idea why but I wanted to be paired with this man. I wanted to be stuck wherever I was going to be with that guy. I just HAD to. So when the man said go, I started making my necklace as fast as I could. I poked myself with the needle I was using but I was making good progress. I could see that he was using red beads and I was using yellow ones. He kept looking at another woman and that made me more desperate because I knew that he was going to choose to be with her if he finished before I did. So I worked faster. I worked as fast as I could. About 3/4 of the way through, I saw that he was almost done. I was working so fast that I wasn't sure if I was using all yellow beads. I held up the necklace to the candle light and I started sobbing. I was using light green ones mixed with yellow ones. They looked the same in the dimmer light where I was sitting. I would never be able to undo and redo mine in time. Then he finished. His necklace was beautiful. It was perfect and red. And he choose the woman. She was better than me in a lot of ways. Her hair was long and dark brown and her skin was smooth. Her body was amazing and her face was beautiful. I was too late and I just cried out desperately because I had failed.


Thats all I remember. I have no idea what it means. humph

Clumsy

I was running. I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. I felt empty.
I stopped at my family for a rest and I would forget that I was looking for it.
And then I would remember. And I would start running again.
I can't find it. I can't find it.
I stopped at school for a rest and then some friends. But then I would go looking again.
For years I ran trying to find it...
And then I found him, and it came with him.
He stopped me in my tracks.
I ran right into him.
It was no mistake.
He lifted up my face to see his and he wiped away my frantic tears.
Woah!, he said, slow down, I will help you.
He took my hand into his and he walked with me.
I never stopped looking at him. Not for a second.
We walked and walked for a very long time.
We stopped at my family.
We stopped at my friends.
We stopped at school and other things.
And then I realized that I wasn't looking anymore.
He was it.
He knew what I had realized and made a smile that caught my breath and made my heart beat faster.
We knew that we were it. We knew.
He tightened his grip on my hand and we kept walking.
At first it was easy. No rocks no obstacles.
There was nothing but flat paths and beautiful trees and grass to look at as we passed.
A few times he let me ride on his back and he would carry me without trouble.
It was wonderful and it was beautiful. Anyone would have been grateful to take my place or his.

And then we found small obstacles here and there.
Some tree roots to climb over or a small pond to cross.
We got used to them. It was okay.
Then people from the side saw us and gave us stares that were uncomfortable.
He protected from them but it was hard to ignore.
Sometimes people would laugh at us trying to get through some mud or trying to get through some trees.
Sometimes I cried. Not for me but for him.
He held my hand and helped me.

And then we got to a fork in the road.
One path was dangerous and dark. It wasn't pretty but it would get me to the other side.
The other path was was what we were already going through. Obstacles every now and then but it would have been okay.
I wanted to save him from the torment and from the struggle. I wanted to save him from me. I wanted to save him from pain. He would feel pain, being alone for awhile but he would be okay.

So when he wasn't looking, I broke free and ran. I ran into the path that was dangerous and lonely.
He was so devastated that I left him. He just sat there and cried.
I cried too. But I kept running. I tripped and fell and cut myself open on the ground.
I stumbled and clawed my way through darkness.
I can't go back. I can't go back.
It was always dark but I found ways to move forward.
And then the dark was too much. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I turned around and I ran back. I ran and I ran and then I saw that I hadn't gotten as far as I thought I had.
He was right there waiting for me.
He looked up and I ran into his arms.
We cried and cried never letting go of each other.
He held me and wiped away the dirt off of my face.

And then I took his hand and we walked again but this time down the other path.
It wasn't as easy as we thought.
The obstacles were bigger and harder to get around.
But we stuck together.

and that is where we are right now.

Sometimes I trip him without knowing and he trips me.
He gets bruises and scrapes because of me.
I get sprained ankles and cuts because of him.
We are stumbling through a path that had once been the easiest thing in our lives.
We are so clumsy and uncoordinated now.
But I love him.
And he loves me.
And after we trip and fall and go through the pain, we are both there to pick the other up, kiss the wounds, and keep walking.
For now its what we'll do.

I'm willing to stumble for him.
I'm willing to take the jeers and laughter that come from the side lines.
I'm willing to fight off any danger or harm that comes to him.

For now we will keep walking and see where it takes us.

Updates

Just some updates. I've been better. Not as depressed as I was last week about everything. I got some new music. Totally loving it all. So good. I can't stop listening to Bon Iver. His voice is just the most wonderful melted warm milk chocolatey voice I have every heard. Its like a lullaby.

I'm mostly over not having my wh&g job. I will miss the guys though :'( They meant a lot to me and they brightened my day. When I left most of them looked at me sadly because I was leaving, but they were happy for me because they knew I had greater plans ahead of me. Adolfo took my by the shoulders and said, "I am so heartbroken that you are leaving and that you are so sad, but listen. You are going on to do greater things than this and it won't matter in the future that this happened. You have your whole life ahead of you." It really meant a lot to hear things like that from them. I will never forget them. I'm also glad that I wasn't the only one who really couldn't stand MaryEllen.

So right now I'm just doing chores and pulling myself together. I have people who care about me and know that I would never do anything horrible or irresponsible to get fired and that keeps me going. I helped Esthela a lot today and I even bought some groceries for the family.

The biggest update right now is that Brandon and I have been test running everything for about two months. It was very rocky at first and all of the arguing isn't completely eliminated but he is trying his best to make this work. I want this to work too. I've been afraid and stressed out and worried about it. But this last week was really really good. I've seen him a few times since then and those times went well too.

I refuse to censor any of this since I never did before. We do argue about petty things sometimes. Stupid things but we get past those. The one thing that I told brandon that I would never do is stop being eddie's friend. Even though he stopped talking to me for a year, I would never do that to him. He's done too much for me and is one of my best friends. As far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. Brandon has been having a very hard time dealing with this but he will have to deal because I am not changing my mind. I love brandon more than anything but I will not give up family.

I know I am a hypocrite and I know that I was so sure that I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I love Brandon more than he could possibly ever imagine and he's done so much for me. He is so much more different than a lot of people I know, and that's why I love him. I'm glad that we don't have a lot in common because it just makes him that much more interesting. He takes care of me and loves me more than I deserve in a lifetime. I am going to try to make this work as long as I can. I can't say it will last forever and I can't say that it won't, I can only focus on what is in the present.

And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks because I love him and he makes me happy. He does things for me that no one else can. And thats what matters so I'm going to be selfish and take it.

I could write for ever about this. I could write about how much I love brandon and about how bad I feel because I cannot make my best friend happy when he deserves it, but It would take so long. I will write about it on and off.

I hate that no matter what I do, I can never make everyone happy. I need to be less me, then maybe people would be more happy.

Mold

My foot was molding. Because it was dipped in water.
My hand was molding. Because it was trailing the water going back and forth.
I'm sitting in a wooden chair. And it was molding because it rocks in water.
My bruises were covered in mold and were swelling up.
My vulnerability was stripped naked and started to mold. It stung.
I sat in my mold. It smelled and made me cry.
I peered over at dry land where the mold would not survive but I stayed where I was.
Sometimes I would go to a dry patch of land but water would creep up and I would start to mold again.
Staying on dry land where it is safe and mold free is hard sometimes.
But everyday I try again and try to stay as dry as possible.

Sweet Disposition

I can't get over this song children.

Fired

I've been kind of depressed lately because of getting beaten up and yesterday I got fired. I don't understand why they fired me exactly and when I asked why they didn't give me any warning, they said that when they hired me that I had the type of job where they could fire me without any notice if they wanted too. I've never faced such rejection before in my life. Okay I did text during work but so did sheena and maryellen so I shouldn't get fired for that. I shouldn't get fired for talking because sheena talked more than three times than I did. I guess this is just one of those things. I'm so heart broken that I had to say goodbye to the guys while sobbing my eyes out. I can't believe they fired me 2 months before I was going to leave anyway. I will post our emails on here later so that later when I read this, i will know exactly what happened. I'm just so sad and angry right now and sitting around with nothing to do. I think I might facepaint for tips at the beach or something. Its about 800 dollars that I lost that I could have saved for school from being fired. I have about 1700 right now. Hopefully I will be okay for the semester. We'll see. I just need to take this experience as a learning one like my mom said and be strong about it. I always forget how vulnerable I am until something happens to me and it hits me like a train. I will get past this but right now I'm still heartbroken and hurt. I just need some time I guess.

Ow Ow

I don't know where these come from. Maybe its from my stress or maybe I just think too much sometimes, but this pain is horrible. Its the worst kind of pain that anyone can have. I panic. I just lie there and try to hold myself together. I get sharp pains in my hands and in my chest and I feel like my reality starts to collapse. I feel like my world can't be happy without him. Its not complete without him. The way he holds me is better than anything in this world. It calms me and makes me feel safe. It makes me happy and satisfied. I realize that I love him so much that he is apart of me now. Even if I end up marrying someone else someday, he has made me who I am today. He has shown me love that I didn't think existed. Sometimes he feels like my everything. Its hard to be away from something like that and it causes me to panic. I'm going to try to sleep again. Maybe if I focus hard on whats on my tv, I can actually sleep.

Dear Scott

Scott is such a sweetheart! He is my favorite accounting person that we've had out of the 4 so far. He is just witty and charming and just a really nice fellow to talk to. He has glasses and is balding and wears the same kind of shirt everyday but I am just okay with that :) Cause he is just an awesome dude. He is probably about MaryEllen's age. Sometimes I email him about birthday cakes when I'm not going to be there so he doesn't forget to take care of it and I thought it would be cool to copy and paste the last two that i've sent.


From: Admin
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 1:31 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: KEVIN'S CAKE

Hi Scott!
Kevin’s birthday is on a Saturday and he would like to celebrate it the Friday before (10/22/10). He would like pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream. I would imagine that they will have you buy whip cream too but I’m not sure so ask M.E. or Paula. You can buy the pie at Costco for cheap. He gets ice cream since he isn’t getting a 50 dollar cake. haha

Good luck!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™


From: Admin
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 2010 1:50 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: CAKE FRIDAY

Hey Scot!!

I think that they are going to send you to pick up Miguel’s cake on Friday since I won’t be here. I placed the order today to be ready on Friday by 1pm. It’s under my name and they have my cell phone number just incase you have problems getting the cake. I confirmed that it was the size that is 46.00$. And it should say Happy Birthday Miguel on it. Knowing what the writing on the cake is will probably help you out when you’re picking it up.

Its at the Mexico Lindo Bakery.

Address: 520 Broadway
Sutie #5 Chula Vista 91910

Its right next to block buster and right across from carls Junior.

Directions: Just incase you want these instead of looking it up. Its pretty easy.

5 South
Exit H Street
Turn left onto H street
Turn right into the plaza where carls junior is

Have fun!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™

Beaten Up

his was extremely hard to write without using vulgar words.
On saturday night I was standing in line with some of my friends to get into a club. There were two girls including me and three guys. The group in front of us was a group of some girls and guys that were letting people cut so much that we had to move back. So was I annoyed? Of course I was. So were my friends and the one other girl that was with us. The police officer wasn't an idiot. He saw the girl throw the cup onto the floor because he picked her out of her group of friends right away but when he asked who threw the cup onto the floor, the girl I was with and myself told him that we saw her put it into the floor because we were annoyed with them. The girl I was with even said some colorful words to the group of people in front of us. The drunk girl even tried to lie about putting the cup there when everyone saw. She was drunk. The girl was then fined 1000 for littering. Of course she was freaking out and her friends were trying to comfort her and they were angry at myself and the girl I was with for confirming with the officer. Then they let more and more people cut just to make us more angry.

Eventually we got in but my guy friends didn't. They had to wait in line because the club already had too many guys inside of it. So I was in the club with the girl that had come with us. It was just us two until our guy friends could get in. One of the girls that got upset with us pushed the girl I was with. That failed. Then attempt number two. One of the girls came from behind me and pushed the girl I was with again. This time I pushed her arm away so that she wouldn't hurt the girl I was with. She had had surgery on her feet and wasn't in any condition to get attacked.

When I pushed her arm away she hit my arm and a guy tried to break us up. I was only hitting back to defend myself. Then she got ahold of my hair and pulled me down. She wasn't alone and before I knew it I was on the floor being dragged by my hair. There were about 4 girls that then all attacked me at once. It seemed like forever before anyone did something about it.

They had my hair in all different directions and were ripping it out. They scratched my back and made scabs. They punched me and kicked me over and over again repeatedly. I thought about fighting back but I had no chance and I thought for sure someone would do something quickly. That wasn't the case. Everyone just spread out and watched me get beaten up mercilessly by these horrible girls that I did nothing to. After a good minute someone broke them up, I'm not sure who but I'm glad they did. And surprisingly it wasn't security that broke it up. When they let go of me I saw the girl I was with just standing there. I don't know where she was during this or why she didn't try to get help. She didn't even ask me if I was okay. I told her that I wanted to leave and she kept asking why. I wasn't paying attention because I was leaving whether she was coming with me or not.

I'd like to say that I am a tough person and that I got through this without being shaken but I wasn't. I was in complete shock that they had done this to me. I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. My friends that were outside came with me to security and we got them kicked out and then we left.

It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept having flash backs of being thrown onto the floor and beaten and kicked. I'm lucky nothing serious happened to me.

I know I'm not the only in the world who has gotten beat up and I know that people have gone through much worse. I know what its like to have flash backs of something horrible to have happened to you. If I am shaken everytime I remember what they did to me, I can't even imagine what it was like for people who have gone through worse. Especially those who have experienced the horrors of war. Going through this has made me respect them much more strongly than before. Its hard to come back to reality or to the present after something horrible has happened to you. I'm sure everyone has experienced it at different degrees at some point during their lives.

It is something that I will never forget.
Remembering something so scary and then remembering that no one helped you is even harder to accept. Instead of helping they just spread out and watched while I was being beaten. This sickens me to the point sometimes that I just want to throw up. I can't even get too much attention to the report I filed with the police because the girl hit the girl I was with first, not me. Since I touched the girl to defend the girl I was with, legally it was a mutual fight. Even though I was beat up by her and a whole group of her friends without fighting back, since I touched her first to defend the girl I was with, it was a mutual fight.

Funny thing is, the girl didn't even care. I have been calling her 'the girl that I was with' because she is not my friend. A friend would have helped me. A friend would have gone to find help of some kind. A friend would have thanked me for getting beaten up for her when she was the target. A friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have apologized for saying the things she said to the girls outside in the line since they attacked. They were more upset with her than they were with me. A friend would have felt guilty for getting me involved in something that was mostly her. Even a crappy friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. I didn't get any of this from her and so she is not my friend. It stinks to know that I got beaten up for her when she was the one that was supposed to have gotten beat up and she doesn't even care. She even went as far as to joke about it the night of when no one thought it was funny. My friends that were outside all comforted me and felt bad for me and told me that it was going to be okay and they didn't even see exactly what had happened. I'm grateful for that.

I will move on from this but I thought that I'd put my story out there. I hope that something like this doesn't happen to you.

oh SHIT!!

SO mag is PMSing right now ha. And I pulled an idiot move last night.

So I woke up and i was craving like nobody's business. I needed food in my as fast as possible. SO I got up from my bed. No food in my room okay sandals. Open the door ran to the patio. Food on the patio? YES DOMINIC'S LAME POPCORN. Checking the flavors. butter no. butterscotch no. chocolate OH SWEET MOSES YES! I paused for a half a second thinking about how much this stupid bag would cost. 10 dollars at the most. Its not a very big bag. So I ripped it open and shoved the beloved popcorn into my mouth. Heaven. For a couple of bites it was amazing. Then I just wanted normal food. So I brought the bag into the kitchen and set it on the counter so that I could pay for it later. And this morning i find the bag of popcorn with a sign on it. I see the money sign but I don't think much of it because i'm thinking ehh 10 bucks. whatevs. And I turn it around and it is

WOAH WOAH WOAH

20 BUCKS FOR THIS STUPID LITTLE BAG OF CRAPPY POPCORN? YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME?

Oh man did I screw up this time. There go mag's cravings.

Jammin

Right now I'm jammin to Marina & the Diamonds. No big surprise. No one is here to watch my dweebie dancing.

I can't get enough of her! but she is only touring in the UK :(

So sad.

I might cry myself to sleep now.

I should try to sleep now.

Goodnight!

Crap

And another thing.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.


Thats a bunch of bull crap

Sucks

Sucks to be blamed for something someone else did. To be punished for something you didn't do or didn't even know about when you were just trying to play a harmless joke.


I guess I just fucking suck.

Marina & the Diamonds

The Family Jewels is AMAZING! I love this album so much. I can't stop listening to it. 'Oh no!' was good enough for me as a one hit wonder, but then BAM she hit me with her whole album as pure gold. It has a really SICK ASS 80's twist to it. Its bad ass. And catchy. I dance to basically every single song on this freaking album. I found a new favorite.

Dear Marina,

Thank you for some amazing music. Thank you for your voice.

Love mag

ps. Where have you been my whole life?

This is my new favorite song by you.

Oops!

I went to sleep at like 6 today hoping that i could sleep the night through and then Jason called me at like 10 to go clubbing at Rich's. I ignored the call and the text but I woke up anyway ugh. And I tried to go back to sleep but I failed at that. So here I am awake at 1:30 in the morning watching bad girls club with cat in the kitchen.

I feel really useless sometimes. I have been over eating due to current stress. Suckss. Sheena is losing a lot of weight and she is getting close to being the same weight as me. At that point I need to put my foot down and do something.


I'm always confused and frowning and debating. Conflict. Guilt. Frustration.

Tomorrow will be just as torturous if not more than today. I will have to force myself to drink some coffee. That won't be fun.

This stressss. I'm not even in school right now! Actually now that I think about it, school is way better than work. What the fuck did I do to myslef....

anyway. I miss Brandon. I have that achey feeling in my chest that is usually only fixed by his arms. I get so much peace and happiness that I get from such a simple gesture.

I don't know why it is that way. I don't understand how it works. How love works. There isn't anyway to control it at all. It just happens I guess like they say. Even when he just stared at me, I felt like I was the luckiest person alive. He looked at me like he had found the most precious thing in the universe and it was his. It didn't make sense but it was genuine.
So cliche, but his kisses took my breathe away. They were so sweet and perfect. I dream about them.

but we hardly have anything in common! How does he do it? Its like watching a magic show.

In terms of personality and taste of music and tv and interests, we have about .5% in common. And even though I never really liked too much of the same things as he did, I always wanted to know everything. I wanted to know every last detail about him.

So strange.

As strange as it may seem, it doesn't take the empty feeling I get when I'm not with him. I hate how powerful it is. I guess if the good part of loving someone is strong then so must be the pain if there is any. I panic and gasp for breathe and cry and shake when Its at its worst. I try to sleep so that I don't have to be trapped with my own torturing thoughts of my consciousness. Everytime I open my drawer I see the card I was sent as an invite to his graduation. Everytime I see it I breakdown and shut my drawer closed. Seeing him shakes me inside and out. I scream to myself inside of my mind: I should have been there. Why did I miss that. I wanted to be there so badly. Its so heart wrenching, knowing the things that I have missed out on from his life. I feel like eternity passed when I blinked. I should have been at his graduation for him. I should have been there. I remember getting the invitation in the mail.


but WHY do I love him? Why? I mean, I do have my reasons. None which make sense. But I do. Why him though. What in this universe gave him the power to hold my heart with such tenderness that it would be over devastating to take my heart away? What gave him the power to cure anything by just holding me? What gave him the power to just look at me and make me cry out of happiness? How does he hold my hand rub my fingers so perfectly that I wish they were glued together? Why did I get so nervous to see him even after seeing him a hundred times? Why can I look at him for hours at a time without wanting anything else in the world? So unfair for one person to have so much power over another. So unfair.

I have caused him so much pain. It was a miracle he kept me around for so long. I couldn't even really be there for him. I couldn't hold him whenever I wanted. I couldn't just go over after school or work to be with him. I couldn't bring him to family events or out to the store in the middle of the night with me. That caused us both pain. He gave me so much more than I ever deserved. But he made me happier than anyone in the world. He gave me the happiest moments I have ever had. Happiness that I didn't even think was possible. I have every reason to not be in love with him. We are puzzle pieces from two different puzzles. But then I have every reason to be in love with him. And when I feel that love, everything makes sense.

Ugh so much to think about. This would be about an ounce of sand in the beach of thoughts I have in my stupid little brain.

Quick One

I have a good feeling about today. Doesn't usually happen because I feel like Lord Voldie when I wake up in the morning. I have to be out of here in ten minutes but my dad is in the shower. Maybe its my music? I blast my music on my speakers when I can. They work so wonderfully.

So excited for my new music. YES!! Plus I have all of my old music which is still pretty amazing.

I bought a family sized box of rice krispies to eat at work AND I decided to give back to the fat ass community of Western Hose and Gaskets and get some candy for MaryEllen's jar. I got her some eyeballs in spirit of halloween even though its pretttyyy far away. They are chocolate eye balls with peanut butter in the middle.

Okay gonna go take a shower.


HAVE A GOOD DAY EDDIE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

Can't Escape

If I'm ugly, then no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me. (People who don't know me of course) And if I meet new people and look half decent, then they will want more than friendship. Not cool

Either way I lose. Why can't i have more friends that are girls :(


On a side note, I cannot stop listening to Marina & the Diamonds. I dance. I cry. I laugh. I think. Amazingg

i was listening to coldplay the other day and I wish I could see them live :( It would be AMAZING.

I've been using chrome and I have to say that I am not disappointed. And these damn fingernails are killing the writing mood ugh. So pretty but so much of a hastle.

hold on
one nail down. 9 to go

two down


okay i got 7 of them off.

I'm talking to anthony right now. I really like talking to him because he talks to me like a normal human being. I am one of anthony's guy friends. He tells me everything. Right now he is trying to get with this girl who has a kid. I've been trying to help him out with that haha anyway he's never heard of horchata. Not a big surprise. He is also a pig like most guys and does shrooms and weed and stuff. Anyway, when I talk to anthony I feel like a guy and it kind of makes me feel better a little. I like being a girl. Its just nice to have a break every now and then.


Gotta go run some errands. peace

Oh No!

I am super obsessed with this song. I also just got a whole shit load of new music and i am SO EXCITED to listen to it and get acquainted with it and let it into my heart and being.

Here is just a kickoff. LOVE THIS!

Dream

This is the weird one that had David in it.

Everyone was eating dinner in the basement. It was like a feast of some kind and it was snowing outside. I was sitting across from David and my cousin Tom. Tom said something really offensive and didn't feel sorry about it and so I went outside angry. It was cold in the snow but it was really pretty. The trees were purple and the night sky was a dark indigo. There were tiny little lights floating around for some reason. I was walking towards the garden and thats when David joined me and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was fine but he kept following me anyway. I was too distracted by the garden to pay any attention to what he was saying. The garden was slanted and on the side of a hill. There were bright blue flowers everywhere and a creek running down the middle. There was a bridge going over the creak and I sat on the edge of it. David sat next to me and kept telling me jokes to try to cheer me up but I wasn't listening to anything he was saying. I just laid my head on my knees and looked at everything. It was so pretty. I wish I could make the garden real.

the end

I also had a dream once where david used up all the hot water in the building at the hotel I was staying at. Loser butt.

Dream

I have two dreams to blog. This was the one I had last night.

I was at target looking at some clothes. I was looking for something sparkley to buy. I don't remember why. I picked up a belt that was made out of purple sequins. Then I saw a girl and a guy looking at some stuff too. Mostly the girl was looking and the guy was looking over her shoulder and watching. He was blonde kind of and had glasses and a retainer. He was wearing a red shirt and jeans. He looked so familiar. I walked by them to get a closer look and I realized it was Fraser. I started laughing to myself because I thought it was funny. What was he doing here?!? Then he turned around and looked at me and he knew it was me too and I started backing away. I didn't want to ruin what he and his girlfriend were doing. Then I turned around and started running. Once I was outside I started laughing at myself again and then Fraser came up behind me. "Where are you going?" he said. "Uhm, I'm going home haha". Then he offered to walk me home and I said sure. He told me that his girlfriend would meet him back where they were living at later. We took a scenic path back to my house. The trees were sooo prettyy and the path was made out of dirt. It was dark and we talked a lot. Then it started raining and we went into an abandoned house so that we wouldn't get wet. We just kept talking and I laughed at him a lot because he looked dorky with his glasses and his retainer. And then we fell asleep. He fell asleep on one side of the room and I fell asleep on the other. In the morning he walked me the rest of the way home and went back to his apartment. The end

Strange isn't it? How random people from your past creep into your dreams. Not more weird than dreaming about David though. That is really weird.

Squeamish

I don't experience shock too often but when I do, the experience is so vivid and loud. A loud memory.

My mom has skin cancer. She is going to be okay. She had surgery and everything is going to be fine. In the surgery they had to cut out the part of her leg that had the skin cancer and put some extra skin from the thy in its place.

Today just now she was walking down the hallway and sat down on the couch. As I passed by I noticed that her bandage had fallen down. She was waiting for my dad to help her fix it. Her leg was completely exposed. There was a huge gaping hole in her leg that looked like it went all the way down to her bone. I couldn't tell. It was fringed in layers of blood red skin but was dry. I could see the muscle and tissues perfectly. I could never handle being a doctor. It didn't look real but it was. I am so used to seeing it fake that seeing it real shocked me. I was completely horrified. I don't know why I'm so weak. I can never handle things like this. I went into the bathroom and shook and cried for a bit. The horror in the reality of what I saw shook the core of who I am. Not a good shaking. Its like I was falling asleep and someone poked me with a pin to wake me up. Poked me hard enough to bleed.

Time to Write

I'm really glad I have some spare time. I want to make some videos and read more books and ride my bike. I should have time to do most of this now. I also have more time to write! Which I enjoy doing immensely. I want to take a writing class when I get to Santa Cruz. I want to see how far I can go. I have so many partial stories in my mind. They deserve to be heard from.

More time to think about everything although I do not know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I think I'll re-read breaking dawn again. Beautiful book. I wish Stephenie Meyer had more books. They're so good. And amazing and beautiful!! Everything a book should be. I should read every book in my bookcase for once. I wonder if I could do it. I'll start off with the top shelf which of course has my collection of the twilight saga :)

I still miss Jamie and Ian and Jared and Jeb and the way of life they were living. I'm probably insane. How exciting :)

Missing Nothing

Ughhh. What is wrong with meee???? Now that I'm done with that book, I'm sad.... I miss them. I miss Jeb and jamie and jared and melanie. I miss Ian and Doc. But they aren't real... I actually miss fictional characters. Who does that? What kind of distorted mind do I have inside of this skull.

I miss them so much. I want to talk to them. I want to spend time with them. BUT THEY ARE NOT REAL! I can't even experience anything new with them. I can only re-read past memories. I'm so sad that I can't talk to them. That I can't just be with them.

Ugh I am so messed up in the head lately. I need a psychiatrist.

The Host

AMAZING! SUPERB! JUST AS GOOD AS TWILIGHT!!

Oh wanda and ian are cute. Jared and melanie are together but I like wanda and ian way better. so cute. So lovely. They love each other the way I love.

Thank you stephenie meyer. So good

Kyle and Ian

Kyle tried to kill me. No surprise. I got lucky and Ian found us just in time.

Has Ian fallen in love with me? He keeps a close watch on me to make sure that no one will hurt me. He brings me food when I need it and he kissed my forehead in front of Doc and Jared. Jared was of course furiously conflicted again. Doc was a little surprised too. When he kissed my forehead he said, "I'll be back soon. Don't be afraid."
What does this mean. I'm too tired to take notice to it now.



the host is SO GOOD. Can't put it down....

Chest

Ohhmygossshh My chest is killing me. I feel like hard mushy cotton had been shoved into my airways and chest. Its harder to breath and when I cough it feels like someone is scraping my lungs. Grossssss

Jared knows I'm here. But he is still conflicted.

Dweebie By Nature?

I thats the answer for me.

I woke up thinking that some jerk kid who hated me threw acid into my lungs. (I had a dream where some kid who hated me, followed me everywhere trying to kill me. He finally got to me and forced my mouth open and poured acid down my throat. Fun stuff. Interestingly enough my chest is super congested so in my dream the pain felt real. Not as bad as if it was really acid. But the pain was real. back to the story.) I half-stumbled to the car to get in to take dominic to school. (Called in sick because of my chest congestion) Then we start driving. We get onto the freeway and my car decides to swerve on its own. Not normal. I keep going though because once isn't too bad. But then it happened two more times and my car started shaking. So I pull over to the side of the freeway and I have dominic open his door to see if the tire was flat. And it was. I called my mom and I called triple AAA to come and save me. After about 20 mins the triple AAA guy gets there and the first thing he does when we both get out of the car is laugh at me.

I looked ridiculous! I didn't intend on anyone seeing me of course but it couldn't change what I was wearing. I had no shoes. I was wearing my western hose & gasket t-shirt and my paint stained Christmas tree pajama shorts. Lovely right?? I also looked like a zombie and had my hair in a sideways bun. I only cared to put it up enough to keep it out of my way. So I guess being barefoot and wearing pajamas that were in the wrong theme on the side of the free way would be something to laugh at. I just smiled back awkwardly like I meant to show up that way.

I'm not the only dweeb in the family however. My mom shows up with Catie driving to take dominic to school and she pulled over a mile away and had to reverse to where I was. It was hilarious. I had dominic take a picture of it for me. You can barely see the van from where we were because it was so far haha. By the time they finally got close enough to our car, the tow truck guy had already changed the tire and was finished with everything.

Catie had a spiderman shirt on and her purple pajama bottoms. So my family dweebie by nature? I think so :)

The Host

I forgot how good this book was. I haven't read it since I bought it years ago. I forget that its not me as the main character. I only remember that its not me when Melanie or wanderer react to things differently than how I would react. I still feel like its me. Like its all me. Stephenie Meyer is good at making her readers feel that way.

So in terms of me, I'm in a time of grave risk. I don't know when any of them might try to kill me. I'm glad Jamie is safe and still loves me. I'm glad Jared is safe and I hope he comes back safely from getting more supplies. I hope that he learns to understand what had happened to me. I can't stand to see the anger in his face and I can't stand the pain and conflict he is in constantly. Jeb is actually my friend thank goodness. I think he can see that I am still here.

I hope everything will turn out okay. Its a miracle that I am still alive now. The others are getting used to having me around. Sleeping with Jamie helps feel more relaxed. He is much more different than the last time I saw him though. Hopefully we will figure everything out.

YOU make the Chicken

I woke up at 6:30, showered, took dominic to school and then went to work and worked until 4:30.

And you want ME to make mom dinner??

YOU didn't go to work and you are pissed off at me because I asked you to make it instead?

So not fairrr to make me feel guilty for asking you to do it. So not cool :(

Some Songss

These are some songs that I have recently been obsessed with. Not in any particular order.

1. Bryn - Vampire Weekend Loveee itttttt

2. One (Blake's Got A New Face) - Vampire Weekend YA YA LOVE THIS ONE

3. Swoon - Imogen Heap I swear she and I have something in our minds that are identical. I love this woman

4. Upside Down - Paloma Faith She is too cute for words. Can't help but dance around to this song

5. Undisclosed Desires - Muse BEAUUUTIFUL. Love it mathew

6. Radio - Beyonce. I love dis ghetto bish. hahahah I love it when she says 'I think I'm in love with my radio, Cause it never lets me down' I hear you girl

7. All Black - Good Charlotte Soooo emoooo. butttttt i LOVE IT hahaha

8. Standing Next to Me - The Last Shadow Puppets. OH MY! SWOON These guys are awesome <3 I like dancing to this one too

9. Hello Seattle - Owl City Soooo cuteeeee. Love singing this one. I love the cheese this guy puts in his music. I love cheese. My cheese matches his cheese. Cheesy music yum

10. Fireflies - Owl City Love the cheese once again. I think I'm too cheesy for this world? But this guy makes me feel comfortable about it. I don't laugh at his cheese. I embrace it.

11. Dragon Queen - Yeah Yeah Yeah's This is MY JAM! So chill and jammin. Love it

12. White Demon Love Song - The Killers I don't really like the killers too much but this song is possibly one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. I really think this song is beautiful. I will carry it to my grave.

13. Clap Your Hands - Sia Love you sia. Love your voice

14. Stop Trying - Sia Just jammin to Sia again

15. New Born - So AMAZING!!! didn't expect anything less from you mathew. If humans could melt, I would melt to this song.


Ahhh I love my music. We have a very solid relationship.

Dream

Sometimes I dream about my children. I don't know who they are or what they look like but I often think about them too. I already feel like they need me. I already feel like I'm ready to raise them and give them all the love I can. But not yet. Its just strange to feel something like that.

I remembered thinking about them once while I was facepainting. A little girl came up to me and she wanted the princess crown on her face. I told her dad the price and he said that it didn't matter and he walked off a little ways and talked on his cell phone. The little girl was so happy to be getting this done. She just kept looking at me and smiling. She touched my hair and my face and when I was done she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Her dad didn't even notice. She was such a little sweet heart. I can't wait to have one of my own.

I remember my dream from last night. It was so strange. I was on a buss full of people. One of the nicer buses. We were set out to save people that were trapped in some mountains. The only people I knew on the bus were Brandon and Catie. For some reason we were the only 3 people that knew how dangerous this trip was. We knew that we might not survive it. The bus stopped at a mcdonalds so that we could all get something to eat before continuing on. It was the last stop before heading into the mountains. I only had enough money to get one meal but I knew we would need more food to last the journey we had ahead of us. Brandon distracted the cashier while Catie and I stole a whole bunch of food. For some reason they had a lot of food in the back of the fast food place. It was like a convenient store. We stole Granola bars and oreos the size of my hand and then we ran for it. We got on the bus just in time and headed out.

Eventually the bus broke down and we had to cary on by foot. We climbed hills and mountains and lots of different things. Then it started to rain. Then It started to flood. There wasn't enough safe spots for everyone and we lost people with that flood. I remember crying and watching the people who slid down the mountain trying to hold on for their lives and failing. It was horrible. Brandon covered my face so that I wouldn't have to watch. When it stopped raining we continued on. at some point we had to swim under a waterfall. Catie almost didn't make it. And I almost didn't make it because I refused to leave her behind. We lost everyone after that. No one was left but the three of us and the leader.

And then it was just me. I don't remember losing anyone or traveling with anyone. I was suddenly just there and standing in front of a cabin in the mountains. No one was answering so I went around the back and there was a guy standing there. He was hosing the garden. Then he turned around and smiled at me. I was confused because I was 100% sure I did not know who he was. He came up to me and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.
"There you are!", he said.
"what? I don't even know who you are..." I said back to him.
He looked at me with sadness like it was some kind of sick joke. He then went on to tell me that we had once fallen in love and had lived here our whole lives.
I thought he was nuts although I wasn't sure because I didn't remember anything from the past at the time. A dog even came up to me like he knew who I was. I sat on a rock and thought for awhile after he had finished explaining everything to me. Then I remembered Brandon. And I was sure that this guy was wrong. I had not fallen in love with him. I had fallen in love with brandon and I still loved him. I started to cry and he came up to embrace me but I wouldn't let him. I was sobbing and I started to run away into some woods. He didn't chase after me. As I was running and crying, branches hit me in the face and cut me as well as tore my dress. Then I woke up. I don't remember anything after that.

Dirt

I don't even knowww. I've been thinking about everything a lot and its just been stressing me out. I don't know where I am right now so I'm taking one day at a time and sometimes even that feels like too much.

My bike helps me oddly enough. I had a break down a few nights ago. I could breathe or think. I could hardly function. I got on my bike and rode to the trolley station and back. No one was driving at that time. Not after 11pm. I had the whole road to myself. The air was so cold, but it helped me come back down to reality. It wiped away my tears helped my breath come back.

I need to learn to not care what people think about me. I try so hard... and I always fail. Most of the time, I have it down. Most of the time I just don't give a fuck and I am me. I am proud of it. Most of the time.

But sometimes I completely care about what people might think of me. I don't even know why. Its not their problem. Its mine. I'm working on it.

I'm having monster cramps. Hurts so badd. I wish I didn't have work today but after tomorrow I'm not working at the zoo until the busy season in december starts up again.

Ugghh I had a dream about facepainting last night. Nay, a nightmare. Cherryl did better than I did and we were both working at the sydney booth. Wasn't my fault. I felt bad though.

Chitty chitty bang bang is on tv and I have no clue what is going on. Sooo weirddddd. I'm going to lie down for a bit before I have to go to work. Jason keeps texting me chicken jokes. (wtf??) he's sent me like 6 so far. guhhh