Updates

Just some updates. I've been better. Not as depressed as I was last week about everything. I got some new music. Totally loving it all. So good. I can't stop listening to Bon Iver. His voice is just the most wonderful melted warm milk chocolatey voice I have every heard. Its like a lullaby.

I'm mostly over not having my wh&g job. I will miss the guys though :'( They meant a lot to me and they brightened my day. When I left most of them looked at me sadly because I was leaving, but they were happy for me because they knew I had greater plans ahead of me. Adolfo took my by the shoulders and said, "I am so heartbroken that you are leaving and that you are so sad, but listen. You are going on to do greater things than this and it won't matter in the future that this happened. You have your whole life ahead of you." It really meant a lot to hear things like that from them. I will never forget them. I'm also glad that I wasn't the only one who really couldn't stand MaryEllen.

So right now I'm just doing chores and pulling myself together. I have people who care about me and know that I would never do anything horrible or irresponsible to get fired and that keeps me going. I helped Esthela a lot today and I even bought some groceries for the family.

The biggest update right now is that Brandon and I have been test running everything for about two months. It was very rocky at first and all of the arguing isn't completely eliminated but he is trying his best to make this work. I want this to work too. I've been afraid and stressed out and worried about it. But this last week was really really good. I've seen him a few times since then and those times went well too.

I refuse to censor any of this since I never did before. We do argue about petty things sometimes. Stupid things but we get past those. The one thing that I told brandon that I would never do is stop being eddie's friend. Even though he stopped talking to me for a year, I would never do that to him. He's done too much for me and is one of my best friends. As far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. Brandon has been having a very hard time dealing with this but he will have to deal because I am not changing my mind. I love brandon more than anything but I will not give up family.

I know I am a hypocrite and I know that I was so sure that I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I love Brandon more than he could possibly ever imagine and he's done so much for me. He is so much more different than a lot of people I know, and that's why I love him. I'm glad that we don't have a lot in common because it just makes him that much more interesting. He takes care of me and loves me more than I deserve in a lifetime. I am going to try to make this work as long as I can. I can't say it will last forever and I can't say that it won't, I can only focus on what is in the present.

And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks because I love him and he makes me happy. He does things for me that no one else can. And thats what matters so I'm going to be selfish and take it.

I could write for ever about this. I could write about how much I love brandon and about how bad I feel because I cannot make my best friend happy when he deserves it, but It would take so long. I will write about it on and off.

I hate that no matter what I do, I can never make everyone happy. I need to be less me, then maybe people would be more happy.