Still

I still miss you.

I still think about you all the time.

I still wish things could have been different.

I feel like there is some kind of glitch in my brain that made me feel the way I do about us. Who in their right mind would throw away what we had for the reasons I had? There must be something wrong with me.

I still think about you constantly and ache for your presence.

I can still feel you in the pit of my chest and in my shaking hands.

I still feel like something is missing.

I still love you.

Momma Hugs

Momma came looking for me and saw me sobbing my eyes out and having my panic attack about everything. She held me and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. That the end of the world wasn't happening.

She told me that I was tired. Which was true. Exhausted from working all day and then going to school. She managed to fix everything. She is going to lie down for a few hours and I am too and then she is going to wake up with me and help me with my math. There are some things that only mom's can fix.

I love you momma.

What If I can'tt

What if I can't do this :'(

What if trying to do two jobs and a math class was too much to ask of myself. But so many other people do it... Why can't I? :'(

What if I just fail this stupid class all over again. Then I'm just a failure at school. Maybe I'm not good enough for school either...

I have 4 hours to study for a test that is worth 240 points. I haven't had time to do anything...

I feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up. I can't do it by myself. I can't :'( I tried reading the stupid book and following the examples but that just confuses me even more... My mom tells me that she will come home and help me but really, she barely tries. She uses all of her energy on her students at school and I get the leftovers. I get the grumpy person that's been working all day long and I know what it feels like to be like that.

How come it comes so easily to everyone else? How come I'm the only one who doesn't understand right away and I've taken this class two times before... There must be something wrong with me. The guy next to me pulls everything off without even touching the homework... Its not fair :'(

I want to do amazing things as an adult. But I can't even do this. I can't even pass a normal level math class. How am I supposed to accomplish anything else.

Boy Pains

Now when I read about bella in new moon, I related to the pain she had in a way. I probably have never felt as devastated as she did but physical and emotional pain usually come hand in hand.

It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.

Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.

Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.

Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.

Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)

Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.

Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.

Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.

Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.

I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.

How life is goin Right now

I make the most of all this stress
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freaking out

It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the sane
It's like a vine you can't untangle
I'm freaking out

I'm avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise?


I just relate to these parts. Thanks for some good lyrics :)

Good Timing

I have the craziest timing. A day before Eric goes into ‘a relationship’ I have my mini goodbye eric blog. Crazy. What a perfect time to have closure for myself though. I am very happy with the timing.

I DID have my moments though. I will admit that. There were a few weeks when I was sulky all of the time because I didn’t understand why he stopped texting me everyday and stuff like that. He would always tell me how much he liked spending time with me.

Anyway. I can honestly say that I am okay with it. The only thing that bugs me is that he didn’t just tell me that he didn’t like me like that. (which is really confusing because it seemed like he did). I am emotional but I am not fragile. I can handle the truth. He should have just said so. I didn’t think he was the type to say something nice to avoid telling the truth. These were his words:

“Oh mag :) Why do you get nervous? U shouldn’t be :o its just me, plain old Eric :D”

“Oh pfff because I like you, you dork. You don’t have to like me. I just wish I could act like myself when we hang out.”

“I like you a ton! But as a friend :o I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, sorry :( Maybe in time :) I’d really like you to act like yourself.

Okay commentary. The with time thing is misleading. Here are the two possibilities.

#1. He doesn’t like me as more than a friend and he was trying to be nice instead of telling me the truth. Thanks for watching out for me but I would have rathered that he had been completely honest.

I didn’t think he was the kind of person to mislead someone so much. This leads me to possibility #2


#2. The other possibility was that he did like me but he liked someone else more and he was waiting for some kind of response from her. Red flag from her would have meant that he could fall back on me. He was obviously getting green flags though. And they made it to the finish line.


Unfortunately both possibilities are strikes for me. I wouldn’t want anyone who would lie to me about something and I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. So in a way, an ‘us’ for me and Eric is pretty much gone. I am picky with character when it comes to guys. So if in the future he decided that he wanted a chance with me, he would have to prove himself harder than he did the first time, whether he was leading me on or not.

I would much rather that he did like me but liked the other girl better but I guess I will never know.
There were so many signs. So either I am just stupid or I am just not good enough for him. Booboo haha

Just getting all of this down into concrete words is pretty nice. I have careful judgments of character for everyone in my life. Not that mine is perfect in any way shape or form. But I try. I wish I could get all the things that I thought into words like this. I could fill books and books for just one day. I think later when I have time, I will write down all the reasons why I thought he liked me. Just because I like researching this kind of thing :)

Sick at Work

Wrote this at 10 am this morning and emailed it to maiself.


Ahhhh I feel so sick right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have never been so fake happy in my life.

Reasons I cannot call in sick.

I haven’t been to here at this job for a week since yesterday and yesterday I didn’t have time to even get a good chunk of work done. I only had time to do some of the basic stuff. I owe them today and tomorrow.

Trying to have to jobs and do school is killer. I don’t know how people do it. I do know, however, what it feels like to be sick and know for a fact that you cannot skip work. I know what it feels like to have to suck it up and show up for work anyway and tell people who ask you how you are doing that you are doing good even though you feel like your body will give out any second.

I am supposed to be filing right now but I feel so miserable. I can’t even go home and sleep after this. I have math class for two hours after this then I have to go home and do hw. Tonight is the only time I have to do hw cause I have a math quiz tomorrow and I will have work so I won’t be able to do it during the day before my class. It has to be tonight.

So I have no idea what will happen with me this fall. I would LOVE to keep both jobs and have one class while I wait out the fall but we shall see. There are so many determinants.

Situation #1:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo doesn’t give it to me. I quit the zoo job and keep my hosing job cause they already will let me have the time off.

Situation #2:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo gives it to me and lets me keep a job during the fall. AWESOME! Except, this is what will happen. The two weeks that I would take off are one week apart. So I have one week off, then one week not off, then one week off.
This might cause some drama and it might make me have to quit my hosing job. I am thinking that if the zoo lets me take these two weeks off, that they will obviously schedule me during the week when I CAN work in between that.
Hosing job may not like this. And I love some of the people here at this hosing job but I would have to choose the zoo job because I like it a lot better.

I would really miss the guys here. We have some good times at lunch and at break.

Anywho. I want to get the filing done before lunch because I have so many other jobs I need to do.

Kay bai!

P.S.

SO I was painting this little kid a leopard and out of nowhere....ACHOOO!!! Sprayed all over half of my neck and my mouth and face. It was horrid. I laughed it off. But the little booger got me sick which sucks cause mag has two jobs and a math class. I can't afford to be sick and if I do get even worse than I am now, I'm gonna have to tough it up and go to work and school and put on a happy place and pretend that I am not sick.

that should be fun hahaha

Anyway.

P.S.
Eric, I decided a few things today. I really do like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff but I laid down a rule for myself. I am no longer going to initiate or put in this effort that I put into hanging out with you. Not that I don't want to hang out or anything like that, but I deserve people, even friends, that put as much effort into me as I put into them. Getting too attached would would be stupid of me. Especially when I can still do it with ease and without any pain at the present time. This may mean that I will never see you again because I know you have a lot of people to see and a lot of things to do but I'm okay with that.

I wish you luck with your endeavors and if you ever want to hang out again you know where to find me :)

Your friend mag

Dear Eric

So I've been so so busy. My brain hurts. I have a super migrane and a test on thursday and tonight is the only night I have to study and do my hw cause we are sleeping over at seaworld tomorrow for camp.

I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.

I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.

Dear Eric,

I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.

Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.

I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.

I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...

I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.

I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.

I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.

I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.

I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.

I don't like it but I do.

I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.

Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.

Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.

I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.

I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.

Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.

I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.

I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.

confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.

Your friend friend,

Mag

Dear Angela

I wish it was that easy :( I wish it was something that I could fix. This is as close to fixing it as I got.

For so many reasons, we needed this separation. And this separation will ensure a possible forever for us in the future. This is the only way to make sure it is solid if it happens.

It doesn't mean I was unsure about my love for him. I KNOW I loved him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

If this feeling that I have that my heart still belongs to him remains for these next few years to come, then I know he is the one.

It is so much more complicated than this and there is so much more. There is conflict. Guilt. Doubt. Regret but the will to move forward. Relief. Frustration. I could possibly fit every human emotion into this whole situation.

But this is the best I could do to cover it lightly.