Boy Pains

Now when I read about bella in new moon, I related to the pain she had in a way. I probably have never felt as devastated as she did but physical and emotional pain usually come hand in hand.

It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.

Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.

Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.

Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.

Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)

Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.

Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.

Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.

Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.

I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.