Bead Dream

So every night when either Brandon or I get too tired to stay online anymore we call each other and talk until we fall asleep. Some nights I might fall asleep before i get a chance to call him or visa versa. The other night while we were talking, I started falling asleep and I did for a few mins. I know I was dreaming because I was doing my math homework and I saw silver beads. On my paper I had been doing the square roots of silver beads and in the middle of the beads were pink sphere things. I was confused and then I heard talking and it was brandon. I came back from my dream and remembered that i was still in my room and talking to Brandon. I like falling asleep to the sound of him sleeping or the sound of his voice. Its soothing for me. It's probably because I love him but the sound of his voice sends me one way or the other. It depends on which angle my mind decides to look at it from. Most days it just makes me ridiculously happy. The sound of his voice makes me smile and really improves my day a lot of the time. But sometimes it just backfires. Sometimes I hear his voice and my chest starts aching. Sometimes when I hear his voice I imagine the way his face would look when he says certain things or when he laughs. It makes me miss even more than I already do and I start to cry. It goes both ways but when it goes the wrong way his voice is there to make me feel better. Some nights when I cry because I miss him he'll make sure he is awake until I feel better. I didn't think any guy in the world would ever do for me the things he does and for that I love him.

Storm Dream

I had a really strange dream again. Surprised? Didn't think so. I was in an upstairs apartment. It was marissa's apartment. This was an extra weird dream because marissa had to be watched at all times. It was for her own good apparently. She had an obsession with sex toys. She didn't use them. But she was obsessed with collecting them. She had to be watched and we had to search her apartment to make sure she didn't buy any new ones. I went into her bedroom while she was in the kitchen making us some dinner. I don't know who was with me. Another girl. A friend I suppose. She went looking somewhere else while i was in marissa's bedroom. I looked in her dresser which looked exactly like my mom's. It was weird. I dug deep into it and found a toy. I looked closer at it and was relieved because it was a dog toy. Yay! We ate dinner and watched tv and then we had to go somewhere. I don't know why. It was kind of like a golfcart truck except that there was no cover. I got into the trunk and as she started to drive away down the drive way there was a dog tied up in front of the downstairs apartment. Its neck was so weird and it was nudging its head against the pole. Its neck craned over like a bird. I dont' know why. It was adorable though. I called it and it ran up to the truck as it was driving away and hopped into the back with me. I said to marissa, "I'm going to steal this dog." And as i started changing its collar she said, "It likes to nudge its head against the pole like that. I don't know why." Then all of a sudden we were stuck in a store. All of the walls were glass so we could see outside. We were stuck in a furniture store. It started to rain. A storm was starting. I stood at the glass wall and put my hands on it and water started leaking under the walls. I started to panic. Then me and other people got onto some mattresses and I don't know if they can float in real life but they started to float. Eddie was on the same mattress as me with a lot of other people. We were all starting to panic because water kept coming in and in and the storm was getting worse. I yelled at eddie to break the glass on the wall and he looked at me like i was crazy and he said, "Break the glass?" and i said, "YES eddie break the glass!!" He did it and we all floated out. It was really weird. We all got off the mattress and looked up and saw a big hole in the sky and the storm was coming out of the hole. It was the weirdest thing i've ever seen. And thats it.

Rant

This is me ranting. I can't say anything around my mom without her thinking I'm giving her an attitude or trying to be smart recently. She goes on and on about how our family is in a financial crisis and that I need to find a job to help support the family. Like its a responsibility of mine. I'm trying. I really am.

BULL CRAPPPPPP about being in a financial crisis. IF we were in such a financial crisis then WHY did you buy the new mac this summer?? Its well over a few thousand dollars. You and dad make over 100,000 a YEARRRRR. IN ONE YEAR!!! Thats roughly 8-9,000 dollars a MONTH. Where does it all gooo?!??!?! I'Ll tell you where it goes. My mom! She DOES work hard. I understand. But for her to spend all of the money that she gets to the point where she THINKS we are in a financial crisis and then come complaining to ME about how i need to get a job and help out doesn't seem reasonable. Why can't I tell her any of this? Because she will kick me out. And i really really hate to say it but I can't afford to move out on so many levels. UGHHH!!!

Also!!! Explain to me how its fair that you spent around 500 dollars on catie this last weekend for her homecoming stuff and you are telling me that we are in a financial crisis?!?! what the hell mom! AND If you can spend that much on catie without her even asking, then how come when I have 25 dollars to spare I can't go and visit my boyfriend that I haven't seen in over a month? I spent an our and a half with him yesterday and I had to sneak it because you won't let me go. Even if i have the money to see him I can't go until I find a job. How is that fucking fair??? I can't use MY OWN money to go see my boyfriend and you are spending 500 dollars on her homecoming and you are telling me that we are in a fucking financial crisis. I hate asking you guys for money. I really do. Because then I owe you guys something.

Oh btw I just spent 2 and a half hours cooking this dinner for the family and judith. Especially for judith becuase I know she's vegetarian. And you call me to tell me that you can't make it for dinner because you are going to get catie's nails done. And you go out and buy food instead. I made really good potatoes =( and I made pumpkin bread and vegetables....and you aren't going to eat it and you won't let me be with my boyfriend who I'm miserable without and you make me feel bad for everything I do like i'm useless. I'm just the outlet child. I can handle your crap so you give it all to me. Its not fair! I do more for this family than you think and I can never argue back because you're already right even before I begin talking.
I hate this!

Most of the time I just deal with your crap. But it hurts. This kind of thing hurts sometimes. I really hate going to girl scouts but I go anyway. To help grama and help supervise the girls and give rides to three other girls..

Where's the thanks

Cooking!

So about a year ago I started cooking dinner for the family a lot of the time. I did everything I knew how to make and I quickly ran out of different meals to make! I didn't want to bore my family with the same meals over and over again and so I started to experiment and test out new things here and there. I've learned a few things by doing so.

1.) I really do enjoy cooking. I may not pursue it or anything but I really enjoy it.
2.) I'm not half bad at cooking. I have been making some pretty kick ass meals =) It makes me pretty excited. There are a few things I've learned how to cook pretty well too.
3.) I will always like what we have for dinner because you tend to have a certain fondness for the things you create. Don't know why. I think its apart of being human.

So! There you have it. And today is a little special because I'm going to try something new today! HOMEMADE cheesy scalloped potatoes =) I LOVE scalloped potatoes! I've made them from the box but today is a new day and I'm going to make them from scratch today! Wish me luck.

Dream

I had another weirdo dream. I was at OLP for a science camp. Pff. And there were about 50-100 people in the class. Some people from st. pius were there too. I sat in the back of the classroom and our first assignment was to make our own water squishy. Those ones where you hold it and it will slide right out of your hand because it inverts into itself like a black hole and it just keeps going and going. I couldn't find a picture. I will try later. Anyway, we had to design our own and the teacher liked mine the best because I put lots of colors in mine and everyone else just put blue and one other color. Mine was kinda big for some reason too. So class was over after we turned in the squishies. The teacher in return gave us scrolls. They were important for some reason. I put mine in my drawer under my desk and locked it with a key I had. I went outside then and i drove my big black USV around to circle drive. Rachel Equia and Natalie augilera were standing there washing another car. They came up to me after I got out of the car and said, "You look different." And I said, "Ya I do." They both said it like three more times when all of a sudden stephanie tumbaga and agnes and some other random girls ran up to me and said, "Where are the scrolls????!!!" They needed them for some kind of contest. And I said, "I put mine in my drawer. Did you check there?" And then they ran off to find the scrolls. Then i was in front of an apartment complex for some reason. I was wearing my olp uniform and I walked past one side of it looking up. And jack johnson was on the second level playing his guitar with some people. He looked down at me and smiled and said, "Come here!!" And i was so excited and I couldn't believe that he wanted me to go up to him. So I started running toward the stairs but they were on the other side of the complex. Catie was with me then. She ran with my and when we got upstairs, the second floor was WAY bigger than we thought it was. It was MASSIVE. There were wearhouses all over the place. And I said, "Catie we HAVE to get to the other side of the complex.." And she said, "I KNOW! We can do this!" So we ran through big gray rooms and back around some rooms. Its hard to explain what these rooms looked like. Then Catie had to go to the bathroom. So we ran into a guard and we asked him where the bathrooms were. He said they were around the corner and so we ran to the bathrooms and the bathroom was HUGEEE!! It was like as big as a department store and there were rows and rows of stalls. It was so weird. I decided I would go while we were there. When she finished, we ran some more and we got to this HUGE tent. It was bright pink and some how fit on the little sidewalk in front of the apartment. We went in and Jack Johnson was sitting at a table singing some stuff and hanging out with a lotta people. He had saved me and catie a spot and we sat next to him and he said, "Hi! You made it! How are youu?" And we talked for awhile and i couldn't believe I was meeting him even though I don't listen to too much of his music. I said, "I have a friend who is a HUGE fan of yours." and he said, "Oh really? Invite him over!" And I callled eddie and invited him over and he got over really fast and I gave up my seat so that he could talk to Jack. He started crying! hahahahha. And they talked for a bit and then all of a sudden I was looking out my wooden doors connecting to the patio and Jack johnson pulled up in front of my house in eddie's car. Weird. The End.

I wish I knew what my dreams meant...

Chem test Monday

So this is me procrastinating on studying for my chemistry test. I'm so drained. Not much to say i guess. I really need something to cheer me up. I feel like yuck. I hope this will go away soon. Sleeping helps because then I don't have to think about any of it. On the brighter side! I've lost another pound O: yay. Kay. Home work time. p.s. this was one of the creepiest adds i've ever seen.

From Friday to Sunday

This one is going to be a long one. I'm going to try and remember every single thing I did until sunday starting from friday. Woke up around 8:15. I got dressed in that stupid job hunting dress. Made myself look sharp I guess cause I had that stupid interview. I wore the nice shoes but brought the boots to change into for lab. I had some yogurt for breakfast and said bye to mom and went to school. Got there. Found a parking spot. walked to my chem room. I sat in my usual spot and listened to the boring lecture. After class I went up to RJ and talked to him for a bit. I was going to have him show my pre-lab to the teacher for me because my interview was at 11 and thats when lab starts. He was sick though and didn't go to lab that day. I told him to feel better and went up to the teacher and had her check off my pre-lab. Went back to my car and drove to plaza bonita. Double checked my makeup and hair and went down to the grill to wait for my interview. waited for awhile with three other guys to be interviewed. Talked to one of the guys. He said that the manager was hardcore and he had a friend who did the interview the day before and only lasted for 2 mins. That made me nervous. Sure enough the manager came out and was kind of scary. The first guy only lasted a few mins and the second guy longer than that. I had my interview. Not sure how I did and then the last guy went. I hurried back to my car to get back to lab. They hadn't started it yet. I was so lucky. I put my boots on and my goggles and lab coat. RJ was sick so i was partners with this asian lady. She was really funny. We did all of the reactions. Wrote down our observations. Cleaned up. Went to my chiropractor appointment and then went home. Made dinner. Ate it with catie while watching tv. Then we went to the library at my school so I could use the textbook. The library was closed so we went to the student union and sat in there for a bit. I talked to brandon online while catie did homework. Andrew called and told me about how scary paranormal activity was. I gave the phone to catie and they talked for awhile. Catie made arrangements for all of us to go to the movie that night. Talked to brandon some more. Went home. Watched some tv and talked to brandon. Got ready for the movies and left to pick up andrew then eddie. We drove to the theater. Got crappy seats hahah. Watched the movie. It was pretty intense. Drove andrew and eddie home. Went home and went into Catie's room. fell asleep for like an hour. Woke up around three fifteen. Freaked out. Tried to get catie to wake up with me. Failed at that. Watched some youtube videos. Wasn't Helping. Tried watching prince caspian. Didn't work. Called brandon. He was asleep. Called eddie. He told me ways he falls asleep for about an hour. My mom woke up and made me hang up. I brought muffin in to sleep with me. My mom prayed and sat there while I feel asleep with muffin. Woke up around 11. Put stuff on the patio away. Went to the library with catie for a bit. Came home and watched tv and did some more hw. Waited until midnight to leave brandon a happy anniversary message. Went to sleep. Woke up for mass. Went to church in the morning. Came home and had lunch and then went to the fall festival with catie and my mom and dominic. Me and catie looked in granny's attic for abit. We walked around and then andrew called and so we were going to go pick him up. We ran into miguel and talked to him for awhile. Went to pick up andrew. Came back to the festival. I ran into annalee and brenden and talked to them for awhile. Looked around and had food. Talked to tom for a bit. Talked to rosie and veronica. Ran into miguel and talked to him again. Said hi to fletcher and pet his pitbull which looks exactly like eddie. Ate more food and looked in granny's attic again. I bought a tv for 4 bucks. Went to say hi to grama in the pie shop and bought a piece of chocolate cream pie. Watched the dancers for a bit. Went to the face painting place and we all painted on each other. Cleaned up and went home. I then worked on hw and moped because i couldn't be with brandon on our anniversary. Miserable without him. the end

Good Morning Starshine

This video was deleted awhile back by some poopnugget and I found it again!! Happiness. I never get tired of it. Its SUPERB. Thank you serena ryder!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WElzyLtnNnU&feature=related

Just Sitting Here/Interview

I'm in the library at school. I was planning on taking these two hours and 30 mins to work on the study guides i have to do. BUT someone else checked out the text book D: This reallyyy sucksss. I'm going to have to be here like all day tomorrow. I wish i had brought my chem or something so I could at least try. Catie is online though! I'm glad she had vacation today.

I had the craziest dream, but I forgot what it was about. I'm going to sit here and see if i can remember.

GUH NOTHING! It was sooo weird too. I remember thinking about it when I woke up. I should have written it down or something.

AHHH BREAKING NEWSS I WAS RECIEVING A CALL AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS AND I'M IN THE LIBRARY SO I DIDN'T ANSWER AND THEY LEFT A MESSAGE AND IT WAS HIBISCUS GRILL!! AND THEY WANT TO DO AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 11. Ohh maannn I REALLY need this jobbbbbb. I haven't seen brandon in 3 weeks. I just NEED this job. I need to do a good job on this interview and get the job and meh. I'm so happy I got this interview but it doesn't mean i get the job. I've done 3 or 4 interviews and not gotten the job. Oh I neeed this. I'm all worked up now. Ugh. AND I'm kind of nervous to present my chapter of the bhagavad gita. Oh the drama in my puny little life. :3

At least I'm still alive. :)

One of THEM

So I decided to go running with the mon/wed/fri class AND my tues/thurs class. And I have found my pace! I found my happy place where i can just trod along and enjoy the fresh air and the buzz i get from running. Its lovely. I'm still really slow but at least i don't feel like crawling back anymore. The first class I couldn't make it around the track twice without stopping and now I can do 3 miles easy! Its wonderful! I want to be a put put next semester. I'm crossing my fingers. AND I have lost 9 pounds already. Its not really noticeable at this point but another 15 pounds and I should be able to see some difference =) I'm excited.

I like running now. I look forward to it. Yes....i'm one of THEM.

Jonas Brothers Round 2

Dream:
It was the superbowl and the Jonas Brothers were playing and they were going to play in one of the private boxes for some reason. They asked me to tag along so that I could help them set up and stuff. I did and we hung out for abit and talked and stuff. It was pretty cool. Joe wanted me to be in the box with them but there was no room so i told them i'd wait for them outside. While I was waiting in one of the seats in the stadium, tons and tons of people came. It got dark and and they started a weird movie on the screen. I didn't want to watch it and brandon was texting me so I texted Joe that I would just catch up with them later. I got up and made my way out of the stadium. I got lost. Surprise surprise. When I finally got out of the stadium Brandon was waiting for me. He came up to me and hugged me and kissed me and then we got on this HUGE giant basketball and we drove away on the basketball. It was like that episode of spongebob where they drive away on that rock except that the ball was spinning like a rim on a car but we were still sitting safely on the top. The end.

I have also included a picture of the basketball. I drew it trying to explain to brandon what it looked like. The Gray part was silver and didn't move while the ball span. Don't ask me how that worked out but it did. And it was about as tall as my house.

I wish...i REALLY FREAKING WISHH. That I knew what my dreams meant. I mean seriously. Driving away on a basketball? D: Whats wrong with me. I wish I was making these up. I don't mind them beside the fact that they drive me crazy with what they are supposed to mean. The end.

Cabin Fever Killer

I had a really weird dream. So here goes. Daniel and Jessica stone came to my house for my birthday parrty. I don't know why. Don't even ask me why. Daniel kept bothering me. He kept following me around and trying to get me to kiss him. I sat on a chair and texted brandon. He couldn't make it to my party for some reason. I was sad but I knew it wasn't his fault. While i was texting him, of course Daniel comes over to bother me and he was complaining about how jessica was being a bitch. He tried kissing my neck and i got angry and pushed him off the chair and got up and started walking away. He followed and kept trying to persuade me to make out with him blah blah. I kept telling him to leave me alone and go away and that I have a boyfriend that i love. He wouldn't listen to me. I started walking down the street and he followed. He started taking his shirt off and he got really close and i was on the verge of crying and and then someone pushed him down and i fell down with him. I turned around and this blonde girl was looking at us. She had a white dirty t-shirt on and her hair was kind of wet and dirty too. She was wearing jeans and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. She was gooorgeous though. Her face was so beautiful. Her eyes were round and her lips and nose fit perfectly with her face. The shade of skin she had was soft and warm. She was so pretty, but she looked like she had been hurt beyond repair. The look on her face was horrifying. She looked psycho. She looked like all of her sanity had been cruelly taken away from her. She was shaking and looking at Daniel. She looked at him and he looked horrified and was backing away on his hands and feet. He said, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorrry. Please, leave me alone..." She just screamed and looked at him. I just had this feeling and knew that he had done something to her. Something that no one deserves. But I didn't know what it was. She took out a knife and started walking towards him. Tears had been pouring down my face silently and i was soo horrified to move. When i had fallen and turned around i had dropped my phone two feet away in front of me. I started shaking. My phone buzzed and i looked down at it and Brandon's picture came onto the screen. He was calling me. What horrible timing. I stretched out my arm to pick up my phone and the girl pointed her knife at me and said, "Don't you dare answer that fucking phone!!!" I was so terrified that i brought my hand to my mouth to stop myself from crying out. I was shaking from silent sobbing. I was going to die here and I would never be able to talk to Brandon again. I was never going to be able to tell him that I love him again. I stared at his picture on my phone until it showed that i had a missed call and then i looked back up at the girl. She had gotten close enough to Daniel to have the knife at his throat. After that I don't remember what happened. That was the end of that dream. A good thing I think. I wish I knew what my dreams meant.

So I feel like every weekend I need to go out and dooo something. Thus i had cabin fever. I hate just sitting her and watching tv for hours. I almost drive myself crazy. On the upside i get to talk to my boyfriend for hours and hours. The downside, I don't get enough physical time with him. I would love for these boring times to be filled with a box of pizza and and lots and lots of snuggling with the boyfriend. He is ridiculously snugglable. I love it. Our movie list has grown _-_ We kinda watched Muppet treasure Island once and they have that whole song dedicated to cabin fever. Its the funniest thing ever.

I reeeeally want to go dancing. Catie won't go with me grrr Its so carefree and fun and I love the atmosphere. I remember dancing with my friends at the few school dances i went to stag. I miss my friends. Caitlin is home for the weekend though! i should be hanging out with her tomorrow sometime. I wonder what we'll do.

I feel a change coming. I don't know what it is. But i feel this motivation that wasnt there before. This determination to do. I can't explain it. We'll see what happens when it comes.