Why

Dear Eddie,

I'm really sorry for the way I acted tonight :'( I know I'm a bitch for rubbing it in your face like that but I didn't know any other way to approach it. You have to understand that I'm not mad at you. You didn't seem to believe me. :(

I was really looking forward to hanging out with you yesterday the whole day because it was the last time I was going to see you.
I wasn't mad or upset about the thing at jose's house either because I figured we'd be hanging out before that at least so that we could really hang out since we had the whole day. But then I found out that the whole day for you was at 5pm and with 5 or 6 other people. Which any other day I wouldn't have minded but it was the last time I was going to see you in particular and I didn't envision it that way :(
And then you didn't go to raf's house which I wasn't mad at you about either but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye at all. And none of it is your fault because technically you didn't do anything wrong but I just really felt unimportant and forgotten for the last day I was going to see my best friend. I thought we were close enough friends that you would want to spend the whole day with me for the last time we were going to see each other but I just felt stupid for feeling like that. And I could see that you weren't making a huge deal out of it so I felt stupid for getting upset about it. I felt you didn't really care. I know thats not true though. Its just me.

On top of that I had a really crappy day today. :'( I had to deal with my mom a few hours while she was grumpy and I fought horribly all day with catie through texting and at some point in the afternoon she said something that made me think she killed herself. And when I pleaded her to not hurt herself she didn't respond for a few hours. I cried hysterically for awhile thinking that she actually did kill herself. Probably the worst few hours of my life. I almost thought about ending myself if she had done anything because literally I don't think I could live without her. Tom started to drive me up to her boyfriends house so that I could see if she was okay since she wasn't responding. She finally did on our way up so then we turned around. By the time I got home I was just so worn out and exhausted and I hadn't gotten anything done at all. During those few hours I was in pure hell thinking that Catie had done something to herself :'(

None of this was your fault but mentally and physically I felt like old grated cheese and I didn't want to hang out with you like that because I wasn't fully me, but I thought it would be the last time I would see you so I had to tough it out because I wanted the time with you.

I chose to deal with it the way I did tonight instead of sobbing about something stupid in front of you.

I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight. I would have said this to your face except for a) I'm a coward b) I wouldn't have been able to explain it without crying my way through it and c) I didn't want it to be a big deal.


I'm sorry.

Catie

I love you so much but every time you do something like this it hurts me :'( I feel like you are running with a knife and you stab me on accident but you don't think it hurts so you just keep going.

I don't agree with what dad was doing but you shouldn't have just left like that. You still can't do whatever you want and you have to understand that we can't trust you. It doesn't mean that we don't love you and I think thats how you take it. It does mean however that dad is going to be annoying. So get over it.

Your actions affect the whole family. You stab everyone with a knife when you do these things. And mom feels like she gets the biggest knife.

You act like you don't care what we think. You don't care how we respond. You just do whatever you want stabbing us over and over again.

When you sent me that text message it sounded like you were happy that you got into a fight with dad so that you had an excuse to leave. That hurt me too.

I know that dad wants to trust you but you keep making it so he doesn't. You KNEW that he would not tolerate you and junior sleeping in the same bed. But you didn't care and you did it anyway. You just did whatever you wanted. Thats why he acted the way he did when you two were watching the movie. That was your fault. Not his.

But thanks again Catie. Thanks for stabbing us again so that you could get what you wanted. I hope you're happy now. Go run free in some flowers or something.

This totally made my day by the way. I'm going to be walking around bleeding all day until you fix this. Thanks again.

GAH! FAST

These last two days passed by so fast. I feel like it was Wednesday an hour ago.

Today was a really good day! I'm glad I got to spend time with everyone. I can't believe I"m officially leaving in less than a week now...

I need to just keep breathing.

I feel so heavy though :'( So much food. Sometimes I don't know how people can look at me. I feel like a baby seal...

I'm so tired. But I just wanted to state that today was a good Christmas :)

Thanks God <3

Better

I feel a lot better. We came to an understanding. A truce if you will. I'm looking forward to the next 5 days a lot. So many people to see. I love them all so much!

I have nails now :3 And they are quite lovely!! He did them in 15 mins!!! Crazy! I was at the salon for 25 mins!! Usually I'm there for at least an hour and a half.

I figured out why I've felt extra fat recently too. I had cramps this morning and Catie just had her period which means mine is in the horizon. Which really SUCKS!! Because I bought this really really cute dress for Christmas and I don't fit into it right now because I"m bloated ugh. What a waste.. I'll be able to wear some other time I guess. But I really wanted to wear it for Christmas :'( Damn period symptoms. I feel like a big blob of fatness. gah. Here is a picture of the exact one I got. It fit me a week ago. what a fail.

Okay well besides that Everything is good. I have to get ready for Christmas Eve.

ta ta!!

Angry

So fine. More than half of what you write is sad, depressing, or angry. Guess who's angry now? Guess who is hurt now?
So you get to hear me rant now.
And if you don't want to here my freaking excuses then fine don't read this.

There are always two sides to every story. Sometimes I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right for you! It makes me feel like the crappiest girlfriend ever when I really do try without losing myself. :'(

Why you didn't come to lunch with us. It was NOT my thing :( I can't just invite you to things that are planned by other people. Of course I would have loved to have lunch with you too. It was NOT that I didn't want to include you.

Why are you still with me if I make you feel unwanted or unincluded? I don't get it. If I hurt you so much all the time then why do you still want to be with me. I live two hours away from you and we can't do everything together. I'm sorry that I wasn't born in LA.

The second night I went to jose's I got invited the day of, a few hours before it happened. And I even stayed at home with you for 3 hours on the computer so that we could have time together before I went over. Not my fault :(

I'm not going to get to see these people again for a really long time so I'm trying to see them when I can. If I could spend more of it spending time with you, I would but I can't afford 25 dollars a trip to go up to see you whenever I want.

And I brought you to the zoo once. I didn't know you wanted me to bring you again :'( I know we didn't get to see that many animals because it got dark fast but I don't remember you asking me to bring you back :( I will bring you again when I have the chance okay? So don't get mad at me for not inviting you to the zoo. PLUS I didn't even know if I was going to be able to go for sure. And it was just Catie and I. I didn't invited every other person I know except for you. Why would I do these things? I'm your girlfriend. I love you :'( Why would I want to NOT invite you places and exclude you from things? I don't understand what operates in your mind that makes you think that I do these things to you on purpose.

I don't understand why you are so upset that you haven't hung out with my friends so much either because I have only met two of your friends. Greg by accident for like 1 hour and then sal but he was with his gf. Thats it...

I invite you to things when I can :'( My mom loves you. Dominic loves you. My dad loves you. Catie loves you.

I was really really looking forward to those three days with you :'( i love spending time with you so much... But if you don't want me to come then fine. Its not like you wanted me all three days anyway.

And while I'm pretty pissed off right now. I am GOING to get those tattoos. I don't care if you won't like them. Why can't you just support me :'(

If it makes you happy, you can have your dumb motorcycle but I dyed my hair and I WILL get those tattoos.

I feel like I do so much for you but apparently its not enough and it hurts.

It hurts that I can't provide for the person that means most to me in this world. It hurts that by just being me, I hurt you.

I feel like I'm punching myself in the chest because you are apart of me and when you hurt, I hurt.

Listen to me. I do love you. So much. But this is madness. You can't get upset over every little thing. Its cutting at me. I feel like someone is scraping the outside of my heart.

Usually I pick my battles with you when you get upset about ridiculous things but its hurting me. SO GET OVER IT! For me. Do it for me.... please.... I feel like I'm really losing myself by changing things for you like not talking about certain people.... I'm tired of feeling guilty for hanging out with my friends.

I'm so upset and angry and hurt right now. Just like you didn't want me to talk to you for more than half a day because you were upset, I don't want to talk to you either which is why I left.

I'm tired and exhausted and had to go Christmas shopping for my mom for the last 4 hours and I'm done with this tonight. I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you.

Three Forty Eight

Its 3:48 in the morning. Its POURING outside. It sounds just lovely though. I could sit in a glass room while it was raining forever I think.

My dad should be waking up soon.

There are a few things I want to write about except that I'm going to pass out any second. So much to do. So little time.

My next week is basically gone :(

Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family.
Christmas Day with my mom's.
26th with Brandon's family and 27th is his birthday. <3 And the 28th for time together.
Then it will be the 29th!! And I have to pack and leave 3 days after that D:

My hair won't die bleach blond :( I think it won't go past this weird orangey yellow color. I'm going to put the dye in tomorrow.

Top 3 people I'm going to miss when I leave (Not in any particular order)
1. Brandon. My love and best friend. I love you. I really appreciate you doing your part in keeping us together. I'm going to miss you when I leave :'( I'm almost glad that we have a long distance relationship. Going from seeing you everyday to once every few months would kill me completely. I'm used to not seeing you for long periods of time but I know that the months will seem like years like they did once before. I promise I will write about the day we spent together. I'm just so tired right now haha. I will video chat you and send you lots of love in many ways <3

2. Catie I love you so much kitten :( You're my best friend. I see you every day. I live with you! We laugh all the time and do everything together. I don't know how I'm going to handle being without you. It sounds sick and twisted. Who am I going to make fun of all the time! Who's going to poke me so I squeal!! Who am I going to lie on top of in the morning to wake you up!! I really hope you have a good experience at job corps. Love you <3

3. Eddie :( My other best friend.... We have some really freaking good times eddie. We've grown closer this last year and I'm going to miss you a lot too. I don't think its fully hit me yet. I think after 2 weeks of not seeing you my brain is going to get confused and start looking for you. We will keep in touch for sure. You can always make me laugh. And of course you know that you're close to my heart too and I do have love stored for you. I can always count on you.

There are my top 3. Of course I'm going to miss my family and my dogs and lots of other things but those three things are making me worry the most. I'm clinging to them these last days as much as I can.

Okay I'm falling asleep involunarily now. sure I didn't spell that right.

night

Drunk

I'm going to have to write drunk another time because nothing is really coming to me. mayte is lying down next to me super drunk too. I feel sad that my lesbian lover marina isn't coming to the US. thats the only thing I can think of right now.

MAYTE ALMOST FELL OVER LOL!!!

GOOD MOOD

I am in the best mood right now yay!! In the best mood I've been in for awhile :D

Firstly: work got cancelled again. Yay!
and I shouldn't be happy about that because I need money for school...

BUT WAIT WAIT NO! I may not have to use a dime from the money I saved up because I GOT 20,000 dollars IN FINANCIAL AID! WHAT!!

Ahahahha :D So awesome!!!

And then I called OLP to see what I have to do to get my transcripts sent to UCSC and they said I don't even have to drive there! haha!!!!! I just told them my name and the year I graduated and the school I wanted it sent to and bam done.

haha yaaaa good moood.

Also I'm watching 'The Fat Guy Strangler' episode of Family Guy again. :D

Also I'm hanging out with friends today :D

Also I think I get to see Brandon tomorrow :D

Also Marissa is coming home on Sunday. :D

Ahhh this is nice. :)

God gave me this good day and I'm going to juice it for all its worth!
Thank you God :)
I love you!

-mag

p.s. I still love you on bad days too. Don't worry. And I'm sorry I missed church last sunday :'(

Watching Kids

So I'm watching my mom's students right now. I have a pretty good view of everyone. They have exactly 1 hour and 35 mins from now to finish their final.
I thought I could take this time to bust out one of my mom's laptops and get some writing in.

That girl that helped me with my math is here. She is so nice and she really helped me out with my final. I ended up getting a B for that class too :)

My head hurts from crying myself to sleep last night.
I'm so terrified for Brandon and I. I know that we love each other as deep as anyone could love another person, but we are having problems with communication. Thats not the only problem but it would help if we communicated the same way. Whether I move farther away or not, we are struggling more and more. As much as I love him and he loves me, I know that there is at least someone better for him. He gets so angry when I say that but its true.


I am sooo hungrry.. I haven't eaten anything. So hungrrryyyy.

my mom doesn't have any good food in here. She has cans of beans, salsa, and marshmallows. What am I supposed to do with that? I've been munching on the mallows for a bit but its making me sick. I want some real food. I've been here since 10.

I was panicking not too long ago because my parents credit is super crappy and the bank denied my loan :( And then it was bye bye school. AGAIN. It would have sucked to have been accepted twice and not be able to go.

But my mom just looked at me and said, "Don't worry. We will work it out"

And so I think I'm good but I don't know for sure. Its still stressing me out.

I'll be back in a bit. My mom wants me to go buy us some lunch.

-mag

Trying

Words cannot express how much I love you.
I don't know what it is that changed between us.
I can't seem to do much to make you happy.
But I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.
You frustrate me. I frustrate you.
I feel like we are two elements that found each other in the perfect season.
We moved onto the next season and we were still spectacular.
We moved to the third season and we were still happy.
Then the fourth season hit us and we were not ready.
You reacted differently than I did.
I do not cope with this weather in the same way you do.
This season just wears us out.
Our love has not died.
It was immobile the whole time.
It did not lessen.
It did not disappear even by a pinch.
But where we are at, it is harder.
I'm trying though. I really am.
I guess like you said that if it doesn't get better by the end of the month, then our time is up.
Never think that I don't love you, because I do.
Never think that I'm just giving up.
I will let you go for both of us.
Maybe the space will help us someday in the future if we cross paths again in the right season.
I cannot predict the future.
Most things I do, because I want the best for you.

Schedule

24 days. I leave in 24 days. Kind of scary. Thats about 3 weeks.

Well I got my classes :) And here is what my schedule will look like. I'm really excited.

Monday:
SOC 103 10am-12pm
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 6-8pm

Tuesday:
LEADERSHIP 10-11:45am
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Wednesday:
SOC 15 2-3:10pm

Thursday:
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Friday:
SOC 15 8-9:10am
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 5-8pm

Saturday:
Nuthin! woop

Sunday:
DANCE 3-6pm

Pretttyyy chill :)

Really excited

Jello

Busy weekend ahead.

Been thinking a lot. Its been harder for me to sleep. Like now for instance. I think I got like 6 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired in the slightest. Marina is so gorgeous. I wish I could be as half as pretty as she is. Most of the time I want to be prettier but then I'm glad that I'm not prettier afterwards.

I have some theories.
If I'm too pretty then what kind of people would I attract? That would worry me.
If I'm too ugly then I don't attract anyone unfortunately. Thats how this society works. Its disgusting but its the truth.

I mean obviously I'm not perfect in the don't judge a book by its cover thing but I try.

So here is my theory.
Why did I not get any attention from guys at all in high school and before?
Answer: Too ugly. my eyebrows were gross my hair was gross my face was gross. I was overweight.

How did it become that I got attention after that and all the way until now?
Answer: Well kids. I groomed it up. I wore more makeup. I did something different with my hair. I'm not AS overweight as I was. I fixed my crazy eyebrows. My face cleared up a bit. I became decent looking. Not ugly but not pretty either.

THIS attracts guys like flies. I read an article that marissa sent me about online dating. In the article it showed that women that were rated 'average looking' got more messages than the 'ugly ones' or the 'extremely good looking ones'.

My theory: Guys feel safer approaching the average. They think 'Hey at least she isn't ugly'. Unless they are extremely good-looking themselves, they don't feel safe approaching the girls that are actually pretty. They fear rejection. They are intimidated. And without having to say so, they don't approach the 'ugly ones' because they would rather have someone better looking.

SO the safest bet for guys is the average looking female. They can play it safe that way.
Since I moved up to the average level I've been hoarding them in like flies to raw meat.
It was flattering at first but then it just gets annoying.

Another theory: The more unattractive the girl is, the further they might be able to go. Such a shameful thing to think but some guys are jerks like that.

Anyway. So in some ways I wish I was prettier so that I could get someone to listen to me. But I see superficialness in everyday relations all the time. Everyone knows a guy who is nicer to the girl that is prettier. Everyone knows its easier to forgive someone who looks better. The physical appeal makes things a whole lot easier for people.

But maybe too easy. I would hate if someone was nice to me only because of how I looked. I would be angry.

Even if I was skinnier that would just be fantastic. I could buy way cuter clothes. I'm tired of being a medium or sometimes a large. I want to fit into something cuter.

I think way too much about everything. This barely scratches the surface.
I try not to care what people think about the way I look but I'm only human. I work on it.

I don't let how someone looks affect the way I treat them. I mean I'm not blind, I can tell when someone is attractive but if anything, the attractive people have to prove themselves harder to me.

I miss brandon. Haven't seen him in two weeks. I upset him today. I don't know what I did. He fell asleep. Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right for him no matter how hard I try. I thought I was being a really good girlfriend but I always seem to mess up somehow. I really try to be a good girlfriend. this isn't the easiest relationship in the world but I love him and I'm still trying. Hopefully he'll come around tomorrow. I really hope he can come to dinner on saturday.

I'm going to lie down and see if I fall asleep. I have a busy next few days ahead of me.