Why

Dear Eddie,

I'm really sorry for the way I acted tonight :'( I know I'm a bitch for rubbing it in your face like that but I didn't know any other way to approach it. You have to understand that I'm not mad at you. You didn't seem to believe me. :(

I was really looking forward to hanging out with you yesterday the whole day because it was the last time I was going to see you.
I wasn't mad or upset about the thing at jose's house either because I figured we'd be hanging out before that at least so that we could really hang out since we had the whole day. But then I found out that the whole day for you was at 5pm and with 5 or 6 other people. Which any other day I wouldn't have minded but it was the last time I was going to see you in particular and I didn't envision it that way :(
And then you didn't go to raf's house which I wasn't mad at you about either but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye at all. And none of it is your fault because technically you didn't do anything wrong but I just really felt unimportant and forgotten for the last day I was going to see my best friend. I thought we were close enough friends that you would want to spend the whole day with me for the last time we were going to see each other but I just felt stupid for feeling like that. And I could see that you weren't making a huge deal out of it so I felt stupid for getting upset about it. I felt you didn't really care. I know thats not true though. Its just me.

On top of that I had a really crappy day today. :'( I had to deal with my mom a few hours while she was grumpy and I fought horribly all day with catie through texting and at some point in the afternoon she said something that made me think she killed herself. And when I pleaded her to not hurt herself she didn't respond for a few hours. I cried hysterically for awhile thinking that she actually did kill herself. Probably the worst few hours of my life. I almost thought about ending myself if she had done anything because literally I don't think I could live without her. Tom started to drive me up to her boyfriends house so that I could see if she was okay since she wasn't responding. She finally did on our way up so then we turned around. By the time I got home I was just so worn out and exhausted and I hadn't gotten anything done at all. During those few hours I was in pure hell thinking that Catie had done something to herself :'(

None of this was your fault but mentally and physically I felt like old grated cheese and I didn't want to hang out with you like that because I wasn't fully me, but I thought it would be the last time I would see you so I had to tough it out because I wanted the time with you.

I chose to deal with it the way I did tonight instead of sobbing about something stupid in front of you.

I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight. I would have said this to your face except for a) I'm a coward b) I wouldn't have been able to explain it without crying my way through it and c) I didn't want it to be a big deal.


I'm sorry.