Rounding

I'm rounding on my 400th post!!

I really love having writing as an outlet or just for something to do on the side. I don't think I'm very good at certain types of writing but I'm good at expressing myself I think. I hope.

It was mostly a good day. It started out well. Lots of dancing!

Class.

But then I got into a fight with Brandon and he yelled at me. He doesn't usually yell at me :'( So it was hard to listen too. I can count on one hand the amount of times he's yelled at me...

I don't want to deal with it right now. Its irresponsible I know but I'm so exhausted and I don't really feel like crying to work it out.

Why do I cry so much?!?! :( I'm not full blast cry baby but man I cry at least a few times a month over something. There has to be something wrong with me :(

We'll work it out in the morning. I'm so tired and everything is sore.

ALSO! I finally had my period. Two months of no period because of that damn birth control. It messed up my boday :( No more birth control pills evar. I'm glad that I finally had it and its over and done. I feel normal again.

Losing Friends

This last week has been so ridiculously busy it's not even funny. I dance for 7 hours yesterday and the day before plus going to class and doing school work plus making sure that i leave time for Brandon plus drama with my friends and drama with one of my best friends marissa.

There are other things that I want to write about but I'm writing this one with things just off the top of my head.

A quick schedule of my day.
Dance dance dance from 8am to 1:30
Nap until dinner at 6
Dance until 9
Food
Had to deal with drama

Tracy and Jeff are butting heads again :( which sucks because Jeff is my friend too but Tracy is like my best best friend and I don't want to have to choose or for our little family to have to separate. I wanted all of us to live happily together in the fall butt this drama is a problem. I can only hope that everything is going to work out.

Hung out with Eddie last weekend and it was SO FUN!! I really muss hanging out with him :( as far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. If I was as funny to everyone else as I was to him and visa versa, I swear we could be professional comedians. But I think that's just a best friend thing. Anyway I had a really good time and it makes me look forward to the summer. I want to write about my whole weekend because so much else happened!
I want to write about my time with Brandon and with catie and my family and such. So much to write about.

A few weeks ago marissa started to leave me out again. And yes I do get really jealous and sad. I'm tearing up as I write this. This always happens. On and off. On and off.
I remember crying myself to sleep because I had lost all of my friends when I went to southwestern. It was horrible... And it was all of my friends. I can't say I completely regret it because then I may not have gotten addicted to the internet and met all the cool people I met, especially Brandon. He changed my life.

Before I left for school eddie was having a really hard time with me leaving for school. I remember holding him and promising him thatwe would not lose touch. Because believe me, I was scared too. I had lost so many friends because of distance or because of busy lives getting in the way. I made sure that this wasn't going to happen.

The first month of school I made sure to text Eddie a lot and I tried calling every now and then and I tried to keep up on Facebook.

And then I read that quote. I forgot where I read it. It wasn't new to me. But it hit me when I saw it again... "Do not make someone your priority if you are not one to them." and then I stopped trying. Just to see. I know Eddie would never do it on purpose but it was looking similar to my marissa issue.

I feel really really stupid when I get upset over stuff about my friends because I'm not their family. I'm not their spouse. I'm just a friend. I don't have any realistic claim over them. I feel really stupid because I know that I'm the only one who gets upset over stuff like this. Marissa or Caitlin probably never cried over not being able to hang out much anymore. It makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to cry over missing my friends because I know it'd just me that's getting hurt over it. Just me.

Why should I get upset? Marissa is happy. She has her own friends and moves on with life. She doesn't miss me like I miss her at all. I'm just being stupid and emotional.

It's even worse with Eddie. He's a boy. I'm just his friend. Not his sister. Not his mother or his cousin. Not his girlfriend. There are so many other people than have stronger claims than I do. It scares me now that he has a girlfriend because I could lose him at any time now. It would happen eventually. He would find a girl that wouldn't want him to see me anymore and he would have to choose. It would be idiotic for him to choose a friend over a girlfriend. It would be stupid. And i would force him to choose his girlfriend. I'm not worth the sacrifice. And then I would lose him. I can only hope that whoever she is would let me stay friends with him. That could get awkward though.

Brandon doesn't exactly take Eddie and I hanging out as a cup of tea but he knows that Eddie means a lot to me and this last weekend he only got upset once :) believe it or not this Is a huge improvement. And it wasn't even over Eddie!! Big. Improvement. I can't tell you how much it meant for me to hang out with Eddie in peace and keep peace with Brandon. It was awesome.

Anyway, so I stopped trying and a few weeks ago I decided I didn't want to play games with myself anymore. I didn't want to just wait for things to work out or magically fix each other. So I told him. I told Eddie that if I didn't get a hi every now and then, that I would just stop trying. I was so terrified. He has a girlfriend now. Higher priority. He has lots of school. Bigger priority than me. Family. Bigger priority than me. He could have easily just said sorry I just don't have the time and I would have taken it. I would have understood. It would have stabbed me but I would have dealt with it. I'm very emotional but I'm strong.

Lucky for me he realized and started trying again. I hope it stays this way.

Then I confronted marissa about it. It's not resolved yet and it's really bothering me. I wanted to talk to Eddie about it but it was really late by the time I got settled in and he is probably sleeping. I can try again sometime this weekend.

So there you go. Just some recent things I've been worried about. Busy day tomorrow. Sleep time. Goodnight

Behind

I'm so behind with this :( there is so much I want to write about but I've been so busy lately. I will try to find time this weekend

Hard to believe...

It's really hard to believe that I make someone, anyone feel like this.
I cry every time I read this. He makes me sound like the perfect girl when really I'm not. This is how I know that he loves me.


http://13randon.blogspot.com/2010/09/it-isnt-much-but.html

I wonder how many guys are like this. I feel it's something really rare.

Sweetheart

I really cant explain the way you make me feel. You make me feel happy and safe. You make me feel like I can be loved. You make me feel loved. You make me feel like I can do anything.

You overflow my heart with love. Love for you.

I still blush when you put your hand on my face. I get butterflies from thinking about kissing you.

Even though we have our problems, I want you to know that I'm still in love with you.

GEMMA!

Tracy ran into her randomly at the dining hall. I think it was fate or destiny. I'm not sure which.

She is adopted.

From Guatemala.

She has an adopted young teenage sister.

Her family is irish.

She doesn't know spanish.

She wants to go to Guatemala to find her parents.

So then tracy brought her to meet me today at lunch today.

She loves hello kitty.

I met my twin.

What I did today and Meeting Gemma

SO! Trying to write more. Going to force myself to. Something I enjoy but I get really lazy. SO I woke up like 10:55. (My class is at 11) Was 5 mins late. BAM Because luckily my class is over at college 8 so I just have to stroll across the street. Randy is in my class but he's been getting there late too. After class Randy and I got lunch together. Then Tracy and Gemma joined. (I'll save Gemma for the end) Then after lunch I saw ben and brian sitting at a different table so I joined then to talk for awhile. Then I walked back up to my dorm and messed around with my iPad and talked to Brandon online for about an hour or so. Then I woke up to Brian pounding on my door to go eat dinner hahaha.
Had dinner with my gang. It was college night at porter. I had macaroni and chicken. It was african american night hahaha.

Then I came up to my dorm after dinner and I watched my life as liz with brandon. Now we are going watch family guy and then I'm going to go work out for an hour and then prolly eat with ben and brian.

BAM day

UCSC

I've been trying to walk more instead of using the buses and this campus is just GORGEOUS!!

I'm having a really good time right now. I feel like the 3 years at SWC were worth it just to come here. Learning a new dance in veracruz. Super fun. I think I should try to write more about my day because I want to be able to read about it later on. I want to remember the fun random things that I have fun doing for example:

- Mastering the hardest step in veracruz with Megan and Eduardo. They crack me up. Love em
- Coming back to my dorm and seeing Jeremy in my hat as I walk down the hallway
- Cracking up at dinner because ben asked brian to go moonlight paddling with him
- watching tv in brian's room with my gang
- helping ralph pick out clothes and then give him advice about what they look like
- playing risk with ralph jeff and adam
- learning chihuahua with jose
- having shots with michael kurt and lynnelle
- playing angry birds for hours with jeff
- walking the track with tracy
- getting mochi with ari and melissa
- eating lunch and talking about drama with nick at lunch today

Those are just some of the fun things I have done in the past week. These are really awesome people and I'm really glad I chose this school. I feel like its perfect for me. (Besides the weather)

Which One is the Real Brandon?

I had the weirdest dream last night. So weird. Probably one of the weirdest dreams to date. I wonder why I dream with so much dialogue. This dream could be considered a nightmare actually. I was emotionally worn when I woke up. Enjoy

I carried on with my life as usual. I was living with Brandon. Not in the greatest apartment ever but it was good enough. I was happy as long as I was with him. I had a job and he had a job. It was only for the summer and in the fall we would have school. We worked and stayed at home. Sometimes we would hang out with friends and visit family. It wad a normal happy simple summer life.
Then I started noticing weird changes. Not bad ones but they we're weird. It made me think a little bit about it but not much. Just little things here and there.
One day I was walking down the street, to the liquor store near by. All of a sudden brandon came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me from the back. I started giggling.
"You got out of work early huh?" I said.
He just smiled and turned me around in his arms to kiss me. It was a pretty passionate one at that. Not one I would allow in front of people I knew. It was lovely though. Very lovely. And for the reason that it was Brandon and that I loved him, I took in the kiss without thinking about it. When he finally stopped he did not loosen his arms around me and rested his forehead on mine. He was looking straight into my eyes. His eye color is beautiful. Then he said simply, and it sounded so honest and sincere, "I love you."
I smiled at him and brushed his cheek with my hand like I always do and said, "I love you too." he kissed my forehead and then my cheek and my lips again.
"So why the sudden appearance?" I asked him.
"No reason" he said. He was rubbing my back and holding me close. It was like he just wanted to stay that way forever.
I smirked at him, "Do you want me to go home with you? I can go to the store later...".
He was quick to understand what I meant and his face had a pained look on it. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing," he sighed. "I'll see you later, love." Then he kissed me and ran away!
"Wait!!!" I yelled. He kept running. That was really weird. I got what I needed at the store and walked back to our apartment. When I got home I saw him cooking in the tiny kitchen we have.
He smiled when he saw me, "Hey you."
I practically skipped over to him and wrapped my arms around him. "Hi." I said, "So why did you surprise attack me today?"
He looked confused and went to the fridge and got some juice. As he was getting a cup he said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
I figured that he was just playing along and being silly so I dropped it. We had dinner and watched some tv. Life went on.
I would get surprise attacks like this a lot. He stopped by to bring me lunch at work. He bought me single roses. He would oddly enough leave work early to take me to the park to spend time with me or somewhere to walk and hold hands. It was like he was overwhelmingly in love with me literally every second. He did lots of random things that he had never done before. It was like nothing else was important.
When he would disappear again and I would come home and ask about it, he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about it. I never pushed it. I thought it was cute that he played along and acted like he didn't know why i wasn't hungry or things like that. He would ask where I was getting the roses and I thought he was playing along with that too. After almost a month of this, things took an intense turn.
Brandon made plans to go up to LA to visit for his mom's birthday. I had work the next day so I had to stay behind. He left early in the morning and after he left I went to work. I got back late and as I was walking from my car to the apartment, I saw someone waiting on the stairs. It was Brandon!
When he saw me his face lit up like it like the sun was walking towards him in the middle of the rain. He instantly got up and came to me sweeping me off my feet. Then he put me down and kissed me. An extreme kiss again. I had to catch my breathe when we finally stopped.
"I thought you wouldn't be coming back until tomorrow." I said, "Although I don't mind the early return." I let my hands slid down from his neck to his chest.
He kissed my neck an smelled my hair. "I needed more time with you," he said. "I want to take you somewhere. Don't bother asking though. Its a surprise." He was smiling now, excited to show me whatever it was.
I laughed, "Okay." I loved to see him happy.
"We can walk," he said, "Its not far.
He took my hand and kissed it. Then he intertwined his fingers tightly with mine and we started walking. We walked for about 20 mins and then he told me to close my eyes. He would guide me. I felt dirt under my feet and I heard crickets and frogs.
"Are we almost there?" I asked him.
"Almost, love." he said. Then he stopped walking and so I stopped too. "Keep your eyes closed."
I did what he said and then I felt him pick me up and carry me in front of him. I frowned. I didn't like being picked up.
"You know you still look just as lovely when you frown like that." he said laughing to himself.
"You know I don't like being picked up." I sighed.
"Its okay," he put me down. "We're here."
He set me on my feet and I opened my eyes. It was beautiful. My jaw dropped open. It was a small cottage next to a lake. The sun was setting and the reflection of the light on the lake was golden. Trees surrounded everything and bright green plants covered most of the ground along with tiny bright blue flowers. There were ducks swimming on the lake. The cottage looked like it came out of a fairytale book.
He wrapped his arms around me from behind and whispered in my ear, "Do you like it?"
"Its beautiful..." I said.
He kissed the side of my face and took my hand. "Let's go inside," he said, "I made you dinner."

The inside was even more breathtaking. Everything fit with the cottage and the lovely nature surrounding it outside. As the sun disappeared, we ate and talked and talked. The food was delicious and he was being extra talkative.
"You seem different recently," I told him.
"Is it a bad thing?" he asked.
"No, just different. I love you all the same. You know me very well," I used my hands to indicate our surroundings.
He laughed softly, "Yes I do."
He insisted on cleaning up after dinner and so I sat on a chair on the back porch facing the lake. The sun was gone now and the moon had come out. It made the lake look just as beautiful. When he was done cleaning up he came out to join me. He sat on the chair instead and I sat on his lap. I was staring at everything else and he was staring at me the whole time.
"You know that I would do anything for you right?" he said.
"Yes I do sweetheart," i told him. I kissed his forehead. He looked anxious. "Are you okay love?"
"I'm fine," he said. "I love you. I will always be here for you. I will always take care of you."
"You know I would do the same for you love." I responded.
Then he kissed me again. It was the passionate kiss. It was kissing me like it would be the last time he was doing it or like he was so full of love for me that he had to let it out. I didn't mind it. I didn't fight it. Why would I?
He picked me up, putting my legs around his waist. My arms were already around his neck because I was still kissing him. He carried me inside, but we only made it to the kitchen. He put on the table kissing me more and more. We were both gasping for air as he started to kiss down my neck. He picked me up again and brought me to the bed. Like there was no time to waste, everything piece of clothing came off of me and him. It got pretty graphic after that. Not sharing that. Too personal. It was different though. Different than usual. He moved differently and was stronger and more direct about everything. When we were done he held me close not letting an inch separate us. There was a tear coming out of his eyes.
"Whats wrong sweetheart?" I asked.
"Nothing is wrong," And he squeezed his arms gently around me, "I'm just happy. I'm happy when I'm with you."
I sang to him until we both fell asleep.
I woke up a few times by him pulling me closer or softly kissing the side of my face. I never bothered to open my eyes though. I would just fall back asleep.
The morning sun woke me up but still I kept my eyes closed. I used my hands to search for him and found his face. I just ran my fingers through his hair. He must have still been asleep because my touching him, did not stir him. After a few minutes he noticed and pulled me closer again. He kissed my forehead and my lips a few times. I started to rub his back and then slid my hand down his body. He felt different. I didn't understand...
I opened my eyes and looked at him. It wasn't Brandon. I immediately started gasping and backing away from him. I fell off the bed and dragged the sheet with me to cover myself because I was still not wearing any clothes. I started crying and backing away. He was becoming more aware of what was happening and then he looked down at himself. Then a panicked look came onto his face.
By then I was sobbing and trying to breathe properly in a corner. Where was Brandon? Whats going on? Why am I naked in a bed with a random stranger? I couldn't understand any of it. I felt like I was going insane. I was trying hard to remember if I had hit my head and gone into a coma or if I had taken any extreme drugs or anything.
The guy was average looking. Not bad looking. Not oustandingly good looking. He got out of the bed and walked towards me. He wrapped a towel around his waist to cover himself. His face looked so sad and pained.
"Its okay Magdalena. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay." he said.
He was standing ten feet away from me because I did not want him to come near me. Then I made a run for it. I grabbed my bag and my keys and in the sheet I ran home. I locked the door and barricaded myself in. Then I just cried for a really long time. While I was there Brandon came home. He couldn't open the door.
"Hun? Are you in there?" he asked.
I forced myself to stop crying for the time being and I peeked through the door to make sure it was him. It was. I moved the things I had used to barricade the door. He saw me and immediately dropped everything and wrapped his arms around me.
"whats wrong?" he asked. Not wanting to keep anything from him I told him about waking up next to the stranger knowing what I had done with him the night before. He looked at me like I was crazy.
"Why don't you go get some sleep sweetheart?" he said. I was too tired to disagree so I went to our bed and fell asleep. hours later I felt someone lying down next to me. I opened my eyes to make sure that it was brandon and it was. He was sleeping. I scooted closer to him and buried my face into his chest. Then I heard a knock at the door. I got up and put a sweater on and went to the door. I opened it, and it was Brandon...
I stopped breathing and I started backing away again. Brandon was just in the other room with me....This couldn't be possible. I started sobbing again.
"Whats wrong?" Brandon yelled from the bedroom. I heard him scrambling and coming into the living room. "Who's at the door?"
Then the other Brandon walked in through the front door.
"Whats going on?" I asked. Then I saw it. There were two of them. Two brandons. This couldn't be. I didn't understand. They then turned on each other.
"What is going ON?!?! Who are you???" one asked.
"What do you mean who am I?!!!" the other one said, "Who are YOU?!!"
I covered my eyes sobbing not understanding what was going on.
They were yelling.
"Stop yelling! please" I pleaded.
They stopped and one of them started walking towards where I was curled up in the corner.
"Don't TOUCH her!!" the other one said.
"Which one is the real Brandon? Which one is my Brandon?" I asked looking at them both.
"Its me."
"I am"
Of course, I thought to myself. They are both going to claim that they are the real one.
"How did this happen?" I asked. "Never mind. Don't answer that." I didn't know how it happened but I knew how to fix it. And to fix it we had to go see him.
"Pack your bags both of you. We are going to go fix it." I told them.
I knew the person that could fix this. In the mean time I could not let myself touch or hardly communicate with either of them for fear of it being the wrong Brandon.

The travel was wrong and they were both irate with each other which was driving me crazy. We had to set camp up at the end of every day and we had to cook for ourselves. Without me there they would have killed each other. One night when I was sleeping by the campfire I felt someone lie down next to me. I pretended like I didn't notice. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my neck and my arm.
"I miss you." he said.
I didn't respond. What if this was the impostor? But I missed him too. I missed my Brandon whichever one that was. I had had many epiphanies over the weird things that had been going on before I found out that there were two Brandon's. The random gifts. The random appearances. The nice dinners. Not that my Brandon had never done those things for me. He must have slipped the night he took me to the cottage. Whoever had somehow figured out to have his body turn into an identical one of Brandon's. He was in his own body the morning I woke up next to him.

After weeks of travel. I was pretending to be asleep and both Brandon's were facing the fire very silent. They must have been convinced that I was asleep.
"What are you doing exactly?" one of them asked.
"I love her." the other one said.
"I love her." said the first one.
2-"When we fix this she'll see. And she'll be only mine again."
1- "And if we can't fix it. She will have to choose and she will choose me..."
2- "No she won't..."
1- "You don't know that."
2- "We'll see. I just want her to be happy. Preferably with me."
1- "I can make her happy too. I was making her happy...I know her just as well as you do."
2- "You are lying to her."
1- "She wouldn't have noticed me otherwise."
2- "Which means that I'm right for her. I love her and she loves me."
1- "Its only because with you she would never even think about giving anyone else a chance. Someone else being me. If she has to choose, she will choose me because of the way I love her. She will choose me for me. Whether she thinks i'm you or not, I can live with. I can't live without her. I need her."
2- "She won't choose you."
1- "You're only trying to convince yourself."

I was too tired to open my eyes to differentiate the two brandon's and I fell asleep seconds after that. I would never know which one was the real one.

Then I woke up from my dream.

It's a lot of stuff. I never figured out which Brandon was the real one. I didn't want to risk hurting my Brandon so I never touched them as we traveled. I woke up before we reached the end. I woke up before the ending of this strange story of a dream.

My UCSC Kids

So Marina and I may not be best friends or anything but we are really good roommates. We don't have any issues or anything and we just fit together well in this living situation.

She is one of the nicest people i've ever met. Very innocent.

I REALLY love my friends here. I'm really glad that I ran into them. Tracy is my bff and the boys are my kids. We have really good times.

I've been hanging out a lot with ralph lately too. We wouldn't be good 'deep' friends but hanging out with him is really fun. By deep I mean like deep conversations or being bestest friends friends. I do like hanging out with him cause he cracks me up.

Anywho, I feel like I should write about them more eventually. Especially everyone else on the floor. Because times like this aren't going to last forever. We aren't going to be able to walk to the dining hall together and try to squish 15 people at one table. I have so much fun eating and talking to everyone. Next year we are all going to be separate.

We won't be able to have our doors open in the hallway and just hang out and talk. We won't be in the dorms anymore. As much as I can't wait to live in an apartment with my gang, I'm going to miss living with all of these people.

Selena Gomez

Can't stop listening to her Album. Its sooo gooooooddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off the Chain and Intuition are my favorites.

They are all super poppy and catchy. Love it.

Thinking about Love

My love is asleep on the phone right now. I've been neglecting my laptop. Its weird to be typing with keys. I'm super addicted to my lovely iPad.
Things have gotten a little better. I don't know if or how long I will be able to keep this up.

I love him so much though... Its not like I want to lose him either. But sometimes you just know if that person will be happy without you. He obviously doesn't believe it. But he deserves better. He can be happy with someone else.

I don't know. I'm constantly thinking about it.

For now, I don't think I can live without him. For now I'm too weak to separate ourselves for his or my own good.

But how long will that last? I shudder to think that it will ever happen, but I will not get married to him like this. I will not get married to him with us like this. I can't... We need to be in a stable place despite the love. I don't want to argue all the time. I hate the fighting.

Even though the happiness seems like its worth it all, I can't do that to him. I can't do that to us or a future family we might have. I refuse to let it happen. I will not allow my children to grow up seeing us like this...

It cannot continue forever.

I am a very intense lover in all ways and he is just as intense. I need the intensity. I need to know that he's still desperately in love with me and can't stop thinking about me. Because I do the same. I need the love I exude to be reciprocated and he does that. In that sense I'm so lucky to have him... I don't know how often you run into a guy who is as mushy as princes from fairy tales or men from tragic love stories. I need it. I love it.

I hope things keep getting better over time. Maybe we can't be apart because we are both each others first loves. Intense first loves at that. So binding. So strong and passionate. Like some kind of magical super glue that's permanent. I don't know.

In the end....of everything.... nothing has made me more happy than he has. I have never felt more happy than when I have moments with him and for that, for now, I'm holding out to try to find the right path for us.

I can only hope that our paths do not separate.

iPad

I'm so tired. I'm hanging out in jeffs room. I originally wanted to use Ralph's card to do laundry since he owes me but he's not here. I just paid that dumb ticket that the street cleaner gave me :(

I'm going to look into face painting at the boardwalk this spring so wish me luck with that. I wish I could just work at the dining hall. So easy. So convenient. But I don't get work study.

I just got back from lunch with Jeff and ben and Brian and marina. My sleeping pattern is still really jcaked up from pulling an all nigher to get my iPad. Which I LOVE!!!

I'm using it right now actually and I used it to take notes this morning which was awesome. I'm such a slow writer so this was a huge upgrade. I also realized how much of an apple junkie I am. I have an iPod, an iPhone, a MacBook, and now an iPad.

It's such a beautiful product. We are going to be good friends me and this iPad.

Here is my sleeping pattern from the last two days.
Saturday night i slept for an hour and then stayed up all night waiting for my iPad. Got it. Yay. Only about 10 of us got what we waited for. I felt really bad for the couple in front of me who waited almost as long as I did. They didn't have the kind of iPad they wanted at the store.

Got back to my dorm around 10 slept for 3 hours and woke up and drove my kids to the mall so that they could get a giant gummy bear for Ben. Today is his birthday. I got him some alphabet gummies. He loved them. Basically we all got him forms of gummies.

Got back around 7pm and I fell asleep around 10. Then I woke up 4'hours later and I couldn't go back to sleep. Hung out with Ben Brian and Raymond until 4. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 7 to move my car. Went back to sleep at 8 and woke up at 10:30 for my class. And right now it's almost two and here i am.

I just got random 3-4 hour naps a lot. I haven't had a full on night sleep since Friday. Imma go nap right now maybe watch some vids on vevi before I fall asleep.

Also Jeff talks to himself when he does math. It's kind of funny hahaha

I'm Crazy

So ive come to this conclusion because I am crazy. Tracy is right haha. I've been here since 3 in front of the apple store in Los gatos. I fell asleep around 3:30 in my car and woke up an hour later to find that there were already people in line. I quickly got in line after them. I think I'm the 4 or 5 person in line. I dunno. I take short 5 min naps here and there. I'm so tired but I can't sleep for several reasons.
Too excited.
Too cold.
Too uncomfortable.
You know. The usual. Anyway hopefully I'll get the iPad that I want. If not this will have been a wasteful trip indeed. I can't wait to go bed to my warm snuggly bed. The sun is finally starting to light up the sky and we have less than 3 hours left until it opens. Blah I'm freezing. I want biff to snuggle with.

Emo

Wow I've been really emo. Get ahold of yourself mag.

Working on It

I know that I love Brandon because I keep making exceptions.
I keep breaking my own promises.
And I keep trying to keep us together.

I love him so much more than I can bear...

I hope what I'm doing is enough.

I don't want to fight all the time and have these differences. I hate it :( He hates it.
Its hurting me...

And worse, its hurting him.

I can't help but think to myself from time to time that I should have let him go when I had the chance.

I could save him all of this pain. All of this suffering I have caused him without trying.

We are so different. More than opposite.

I can be open about this because I am alone. Marina went home for the weekend.

All week during fights and pain, I've been holding everything in. Pushing it into the back of my mind and holding down the lump in my throat. At least this time I don't have to struggle. I can just let it out.

There's no one to see my tears. No one to see me in pain.

There's someone better for him. I know it. But I don't want it. I want to keep him for as long as I can...

I keep falling and grabbing onto anything I can to keep from falling.

I don't know what happened. Everything used to be so perfect. Its hard now.

To love him is easy. More than easy. So natural. But the us part is the struggle...

I can't keep typing anymore. I can barely see now.

Schedule

MMMMmmmmmy New schedule :)