Losing Friends

This last week has been so ridiculously busy it's not even funny. I dance for 7 hours yesterday and the day before plus going to class and doing school work plus making sure that i leave time for Brandon plus drama with my friends and drama with one of my best friends marissa.

There are other things that I want to write about but I'm writing this one with things just off the top of my head.

A quick schedule of my day.
Dance dance dance from 8am to 1:30
Nap until dinner at 6
Dance until 9
Food
Had to deal with drama

Tracy and Jeff are butting heads again :( which sucks because Jeff is my friend too but Tracy is like my best best friend and I don't want to have to choose or for our little family to have to separate. I wanted all of us to live happily together in the fall butt this drama is a problem. I can only hope that everything is going to work out.

Hung out with Eddie last weekend and it was SO FUN!! I really muss hanging out with him :( as far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. If I was as funny to everyone else as I was to him and visa versa, I swear we could be professional comedians. But I think that's just a best friend thing. Anyway I had a really good time and it makes me look forward to the summer. I want to write about my whole weekend because so much else happened!
I want to write about my time with Brandon and with catie and my family and such. So much to write about.

A few weeks ago marissa started to leave me out again. And yes I do get really jealous and sad. I'm tearing up as I write this. This always happens. On and off. On and off.
I remember crying myself to sleep because I had lost all of my friends when I went to southwestern. It was horrible... And it was all of my friends. I can't say I completely regret it because then I may not have gotten addicted to the internet and met all the cool people I met, especially Brandon. He changed my life.

Before I left for school eddie was having a really hard time with me leaving for school. I remember holding him and promising him thatwe would not lose touch. Because believe me, I was scared too. I had lost so many friends because of distance or because of busy lives getting in the way. I made sure that this wasn't going to happen.

The first month of school I made sure to text Eddie a lot and I tried calling every now and then and I tried to keep up on Facebook.

And then I read that quote. I forgot where I read it. It wasn't new to me. But it hit me when I saw it again... "Do not make someone your priority if you are not one to them." and then I stopped trying. Just to see. I know Eddie would never do it on purpose but it was looking similar to my marissa issue.

I feel really really stupid when I get upset over stuff about my friends because I'm not their family. I'm not their spouse. I'm just a friend. I don't have any realistic claim over them. I feel really stupid because I know that I'm the only one who gets upset over stuff like this. Marissa or Caitlin probably never cried over not being able to hang out much anymore. It makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to cry over missing my friends because I know it'd just me that's getting hurt over it. Just me.

Why should I get upset? Marissa is happy. She has her own friends and moves on with life. She doesn't miss me like I miss her at all. I'm just being stupid and emotional.

It's even worse with Eddie. He's a boy. I'm just his friend. Not his sister. Not his mother or his cousin. Not his girlfriend. There are so many other people than have stronger claims than I do. It scares me now that he has a girlfriend because I could lose him at any time now. It would happen eventually. He would find a girl that wouldn't want him to see me anymore and he would have to choose. It would be idiotic for him to choose a friend over a girlfriend. It would be stupid. And i would force him to choose his girlfriend. I'm not worth the sacrifice. And then I would lose him. I can only hope that whoever she is would let me stay friends with him. That could get awkward though.

Brandon doesn't exactly take Eddie and I hanging out as a cup of tea but he knows that Eddie means a lot to me and this last weekend he only got upset once :) believe it or not this Is a huge improvement. And it wasn't even over Eddie!! Big. Improvement. I can't tell you how much it meant for me to hang out with Eddie in peace and keep peace with Brandon. It was awesome.

Anyway, so I stopped trying and a few weeks ago I decided I didn't want to play games with myself anymore. I didn't want to just wait for things to work out or magically fix each other. So I told him. I told Eddie that if I didn't get a hi every now and then, that I would just stop trying. I was so terrified. He has a girlfriend now. Higher priority. He has lots of school. Bigger priority than me. Family. Bigger priority than me. He could have easily just said sorry I just don't have the time and I would have taken it. I would have understood. It would have stabbed me but I would have dealt with it. I'm very emotional but I'm strong.

Lucky for me he realized and started trying again. I hope it stays this way.

Then I confronted marissa about it. It's not resolved yet and it's really bothering me. I wanted to talk to Eddie about it but it was really late by the time I got settled in and he is probably sleeping. I can try again sometime this weekend.

So there you go. Just some recent things I've been worried about. Busy day tomorrow. Sleep time. Goodnight