Thinking about Love

My love is asleep on the phone right now. I've been neglecting my laptop. Its weird to be typing with keys. I'm super addicted to my lovely iPad.
Things have gotten a little better. I don't know if or how long I will be able to keep this up.

I love him so much though... Its not like I want to lose him either. But sometimes you just know if that person will be happy without you. He obviously doesn't believe it. But he deserves better. He can be happy with someone else.

I don't know. I'm constantly thinking about it.

For now, I don't think I can live without him. For now I'm too weak to separate ourselves for his or my own good.

But how long will that last? I shudder to think that it will ever happen, but I will not get married to him like this. I will not get married to him with us like this. I can't... We need to be in a stable place despite the love. I don't want to argue all the time. I hate the fighting.

Even though the happiness seems like its worth it all, I can't do that to him. I can't do that to us or a future family we might have. I refuse to let it happen. I will not allow my children to grow up seeing us like this...

It cannot continue forever.

I am a very intense lover in all ways and he is just as intense. I need the intensity. I need to know that he's still desperately in love with me and can't stop thinking about me. Because I do the same. I need the love I exude to be reciprocated and he does that. In that sense I'm so lucky to have him... I don't know how often you run into a guy who is as mushy as princes from fairy tales or men from tragic love stories. I need it. I love it.

I hope things keep getting better over time. Maybe we can't be apart because we are both each others first loves. Intense first loves at that. So binding. So strong and passionate. Like some kind of magical super glue that's permanent. I don't know.

In the end....of everything.... nothing has made me more happy than he has. I have never felt more happy than when I have moments with him and for that, for now, I'm holding out to try to find the right path for us.

I can only hope that our paths do not separate.