One step at a time

I'm sick now. Which is bad. Because I need to be out and about to distract myself.

I love him so much. But I can do this. I just need to keep crawling.

First Night

No I'm not okay. I'm already second guessing my decision.

My body is shaking. I can barely type. I've been through this before. I can do it again.

This pain though. this pain is a reminder of what he was to me. Of what he still is to me.

A piece of me that I had to rip out.

A drug that I must refrain from taking again.

It took everything in me to not burst out crying for the last few hours in front of Catie and Eddie.

I feel like such an idiot.

I already want to go back to him.

My head is relieved that the fighting will be done with.

But my heart is already hurting. I'm struggling to keep myself together. It's taking everything that I have to not go running back to him.

I love him so much.... I've never loved anyone more than I love him....

This pain makes me feel like I can't do this.

I must be strong.

Tonight is the first night though.

I will allow it to take me tonight. I will allow the pain and heart break to take over completely. I will eventually fall asleep out of weariness of shaking and crying.

I can't type anymore. I don't want to feel anything right now..

eHarmony Articles - What Women Find Sexy About Men

Let's analyze one shall we? I registered for free for like 3 days once awhile ago. And now I continuously get emails from them. BUT! They contain various articles that are quite interesting. This article is called "What Women Find Sexy About Men - The Top Ten List". I'm going to go through them one by one and see if these are true for me. Ahem

#1. He's got Talent. So this one is saying that a man that is passionate about something and is good at it, that it's sexy. I can vouch for that. :)

#2. His Listening Ability - YES! I don't think I talk too much but its nice to know that I'm being heard.

#3. A Great Smile - Not necessary but if they have one then cool beans :) Smiles don't usually look bad on people.

#4. Smarty Pants - Hmmm I can't decide on this one. If the guy is smarter than me then I honestly would feel intimidated. Would he get tired of me? Would I be able to keep up with him? This one all depends.

#5. Kindness. Of course! To anyone. All shapes and sizes. If I can see that he is clearly open to giving everyone a friendly chance then I'm impressed.

#6. Humor Us. If he's funny, then I'm immediately attracted. The End.

#7. Confidence. YES. It's not fun wearing the pants in the relationship especially as a girl. Take some risks! Be initiative! Don't wait for the green light guys, you could get some MAJOR bonus points for just doing it with confidence.

#8. Eye Contact. Woah yes.

#9. No Drama. Of course a yes

#10. Voice - It plays a factor but its not so huge for me

Hidden Path

Things are so complicated now.

They are turning into a path I did not forsee.

I feel like I was hiking and I fell and rolled down a hill and found a new path on accident.

I can't let him in right now. It would ruin everything.

For now I just need to not think about it. If I can. And I will try but probably fail...

But it's been growing. Like weeds in my front yard. I thought I had pulled them all that first year when I saw that nothing happened. But I was wrong.

I think I missed one. On purpose? On accident?

And it grew. And it spread. And now it is this!

I just need to concentrate on what I have left with Brandon. I'm going to spend a few days with him starting today in a few hours. I need to focus on that. I'm actually really excited to see him and spend time with him. I do love him.

Even though I've stumbled upon this accidental path. Or maybe it wasn't an accident?

Really Like

Whether eddie is 'over me' or not, despite the debatable signs for either side, I really like this.

When he is 100% eddie. That's the eddie I like most and I have the best time hanging out with him. I think that after spending time with Brandon, spending time with eddie is close behind. If I'm bored and not doing anything, I think to myself, I can't really drive to see Brandon right now so I wonder what eddie is doing?

He's the true essence of a perfect best friend for me I think. I don't think that realistically, a best friend can get any better than Eddie and for that I'm thankful.

I'm going to be really sad when I leave again for school.

I have some days off this week. I hope that I can get a chance to go and spend some time with Brandon. I also need to figure out somewhere else that I can facepaint so that I can earn some more money on the side. This summer isn't as busy as it was last summer so I need to figure something out fast because I will need the money for school.

For now, Brandon Eddie and I fit Eclipse perfectly. I don't know if there's a breaking dawn for any of us, but we've been in Eclipse for awhile. I try not to look too much into but the similarities between my life and the life of bella in Twilight through Eclipse, shocks me sometimes.

Goals since I am leaving in less than two months. I'm getting kind of scared again already.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. Its nice to write what I'm thinking about.

I wish Brandon lived closer sometimes. Yes only sometimes because then I wouldn't be able to really hang out with eddie by myself. If it was the three of us, I would have to make Brandon the third wheel or Eddie the third wheel. I wouldn't want to do either. Its hard to balance them both when we've been together. I connect with them in different ways.

Brandon is like the hero from a romance novel in real life and Eddie is the best friend that is attached to me by the hip.

I'm going to go to bed now I guess.

Summer So Far

Sooo my blog is private now. My writing isn't going to change much. I write for myself anyway.

So I have the greatest time hanging out with Raf and Eddie, which I did tonight. It also however included catie and I LOVE hanging out with catie so it just added onto the fun :)

Brandon is upset with me for making my blog private. I love him so much... This will help him. It will.

It's starting to really stress me out though. Our relationship. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him either.

I'm really tired. I'm going to go to bed.

Good Bye For Now

So the current status on my love life: Unpredictable. Rocky. Hanging by threads? But its still going.

I completely gave up. I don't try anymore. I just do my thing as a girlfriend and leave the rest to him because I won't waste time on the arguing anymore. I just hang up. Stop talking. Leave. Whatever. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

When he gets over it, he comes around and we keep going. Its a struggle but we are still going.

I know I complain a lot. Because we have a really non-healthy relationship. We aren't going anywhere and I don't think we will go anywhere but for now my saying is just "whatever". Whatever whatever whatever.

If by some miracle things get better then we will go further. I will realistically start to see him as my husband. But right now he is not in that thought. I don't see him there as my husband in the future. If he wants this to work, he needs to fix it himself. I am not going to do anything anymore. He needs to work it out for himself and hope that my patience doesn't end us. He should be thankful for every day that we are together right now honestly. I've tried to break up with him several times recently and failed.

But

I do love him. I know it sounds like I don't. I know it sounds like I don't care about him or this relationship, but its not true. I gave us over 10 months to get this fixed. When I got back together with him ten months ago, I was trying. I wanted us to work and I still do. But the truth is that we aren't. I don't want to be stuck and I don't want to go in circles, and 10 months seems like it should have been enough time. That's why I gave up. I gave up because I don't want to be in something forever that isn't going anywhere.

I do love him... so much more than he could ever imagine. I love him enough to be the logical one in this relationship. I had to be the strong enough one to say out loud and be honest about us.

I'm going to have children and I'm going to be a good mom. I can already feel that I would do anything for my kids. I can already feel that they will be my everything. I can already feel that my world will revolve around them and my husband. And I will not let them watch a relationship like this. I would not let them go through seeing their parents fight everyday about stupid things. I won't allow it.

I make him upset and he makes me upset. It goes both ways. He will find someone who will make him happier even though he doesn't think so.

I have never loved anyone in my life more than I love him and he's changed my life. He's changed me. He will always be apart of me.

But I can't crawl anymore. I've been crawling for so long...

When we break up, which could be any day now, it needs to be a clean cut. No means of communication at all. It would make the break up more painful and I'm scared that I would fall back into the circle we're stuck in. No phone. No facebook. No email. No Blog.

Which means that I need to make my blog private for awhile.

We are not broken up yet, but when/if it comes soon, he needs to be used to not checking this everyday.

I will still be writing, but I am going to make my blog private for a few months maybe even longer.

Brandon, I love you. I am trying to enjoy the good times we have left, but you know I am hanging on by a thread. I'm doing this for your own good. You can't get over me by checking up on my occasional thoughts, especially if we break up and I write because I'm going through pain.

You have my heart. You've made it stutter and beat fast and feel as light as a could. You've held it so delicately in your hands. You are loyal to me and you love me unconditionally in every way possible. You know how to make me feel better when I'm sad. You know how to hold me and kiss me so that I know I'm loved. I know that you will be an amazing dad to some beautiful children someday. I could go on forever about how amazing you are.

But the light at the end of our tunnel is but pebble-sized. Our compatibility has lessened in so many ways over time. I would love more than anything for it to grow into the sun again, but it is not doing so. I feel like there is less than a 1% chance that we will last forever.

I'm crying because I know I'm too weak to let you go now. I'm crying because I love you with everything in my entire body. I wanted more than anything for us to be together forever the second I feel in love with you. I'm crying because I am scared. I do not look forward to the pained nights I spend crying myself to sleep because I will miss you. I'm not looking forward to the emptiness I will feel without you. I'm not looking forward to the physical pain in my chest because I won't have you anymore.

And I know its coming.

After a few days and after this post, I am going to make it private.

Brandon James Sokol, you are my first love and forever engraved in my heart and I love you.

And this is from my blog,

Good Bye For Now

Dream

I had a really intense dream last night.

I was sitting on the dock of a cabin in the middle of a huge body of water. I could only see water no matter which direction I looked. There were tons of people though. The cabin was huge and acommodated maybe a few hundred people. There were kids swimming and people relaxing on the dock and in front of the cabin. I could hear happy noises only. Laughing and splashing and talking. It was a sunny day. I decided to walk on the dock and go to the backside of the cabin. People only hung out in the front for some reason and I wanted some peace and quiet. I was barefoot and wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt. My hair was half up/half down. When I got to the back of the cabin on the dock I almost fell into the water. Before I could sit down where it was nice and quiet I heard bubbles. It was all quiet except for the bubbling noises I heard. I looked down in the water and saw a little raptor. It was really small. It looked like a baby. And I couldn't believe that it was swimming. It was so weird. It was the size of a soccer ball.

I put my hand down to try and pet it and it snapped at me. I quickly pulled my hand away and decided to not touch it. Its teeth looked razor sharp. I sat down on the dock to get a closer look. I let my legs hand from the dock, thinking that it would not be able to reach. The second I sat down, the raptor jumped from the water and scratched my leg. The cuts were deep and blood immediately began to pour out of the cuts. I remember it hurting really really badly. I could barely stand up without feeling the searing pain. Then I heard screaming from the front side of the cabin. There must have been some raptor injuries in the front too. Tears started pouring down my face as I tried to wobble back to the cabin to get some help for my leg. I heard more weird bubbling and I saw that there were maybe 50 small raptors swimming to the edge of the cabin. I started screaming and I tried to walk as fast as I could to the front of the cabin. People were running everywhere and screaming. I saw injured people on the dock and dead bloody people in the water, the raptors tearing at their flesh in hunger. I started screaming my sister's name trying to look for her. I screamed my brother's name too. I was terrified that they had gotten injured.

Then I saw them in the midst of all the chaos. Catie looked like she was looking for me and she had dominic on her back. He was passed out and had blood on his head. I screamed her name as loud as I could and tried to get to her as fast as possible. She saw me running towards her and started coming in my direction too. It was so hard to get through all of the people running around and screaming or scrambling to find an escape from this massacre. And then my foot caught on something and I hit my head hard on something else and blacked out.

I woke up what felt like days later, maybe weeks. I was in my house in Dominic's bed. There was a bandage on the side of my head covering half of my left eye. My head really really hurt. I looked around and didn't see anyone. Then I heard catie from the other room. She was whispering.

"No Dominic, don't do that.." she said.
I got up from my bed. It was light in my house so I knew that it was day time. It looked like maybe 1 in the afternoon. Catie must have heard my foot steps because then she came in.

"Lie down Nena, lie down" she said.
"What's going on Catie?" i asked her.
"You need to stay low and very quiet." she said.
"Why whats wrong?"
"If you're too loud or if you get seen, they'll find us and they will take us away." She said in a really serious tone.
"Who?", I asked her.
"They will find us. Them" she said.
"What? Who are they?"
"They are not from here. The invaded the day the raptors took killed so many people at the cabin." she said.

I knew that she meant something creepy. I knew that she meant something that was from really far away. It was weird to think aliens because they looked exactly like us since they inhibited human bodies. Over days, she taught me the new secret life we had to resort too. They didn't come out at night, so it was then that we could cook food or make any noise at all. It was at night that we could talk in normal voices and take showers.

During the day they would walk around in the streets looking for people who were hiding, like us. But for some reason they did not come into the house. They only walked around it. It was really creepy and unnerving. Catie, Dominic, and I would have to sit or lie down most of the day so that they wouldn't see us through windows. We couldn't block the windows, catie said. Because if we closed all of the windows and kept all of the doors closed, then they would know for sure that there were people hiding here inside of our house. So we had to be extra careful.

One day we slipped. One day we weren't careful enough. Usually they would only walk around the right side of our house. We never saw them on the left side because of the big wooden wall. We should have been more careful though. Catie was standing in sight of a window on the left side of our house reading something. I saw one of them standing looking away from our house.
"CATIE! GET DOWN!" I fiercely whispered to her. She looked behind her and then ducked down but I did not move in time and it saw me. She had curly brown hair. She looked like she was maybe 17 or so. We made eye contact and then she ran. I knew where she was going. I knew that she was going to go tell more so that they could come in and take us. And change us into one of them. We would no longer have our souls anymore. They would tear them away from our bodies and use our bodies to inhibit.

The girl had seen Catie and I but she had not seen Dominic and I would not let them take him. I ran into the other room where dominic was sitting in reading a book.
"GET UP DOMINIC! GET UP!" I fiercely whispered again. I picked him up by his arm and dragged him into Catie's room. I shoved him into the corner of the closet and immediately started covering him with clothes and blankets.
"Whats going on???" he asked.
"They saw us Dominc. They saw Catie and I and they are coming for us. I'm hiding you." I told him. My voice started to crack because I was sure to start sobbing uncontrollably soon. I tried to suck it up until Dominic could not see me anymore. This was my goodbye to him until I escaped and came back for him. If I escaped. He started crying.
"Let me go with you... please let me go with you.." he pled.
"No Dominic, no...You need to stay here. They can't find you." I told him.
"Please please," he was sobbing, "Let me go with you."
Then I yelled at him, "NO! You are staying here! Do you understand me? I will come back for you." I promised him. "I love you." I said and I kissed his forehead. Tears began to run down my face. Catie came in crying already and kissed Dominic and told him she loved him too. Then we hid him completely under things and blankets and went into the front room.

They still weren't there so we started grabbing pictures.
"You get one's of dominic and I'll get ones for us." I told her. She started removing all of the visible pictures of dominic and began tearing them to shreds. I was going to grab pictures of our family so that catie and I had something to hold onto. I had no idea if we would make it back here and if we had the chance, it would be a long journey back. My hands were shaking but I found some of all five of us and individual ones. Just as I had folded them and put them into my bra, they came bursting in. I was sobbing and hoping to God that they would not find Dominic. They handcuffed us and put us in the car. I was in the front seat and Catie was in the back seat.

As we drove into the city, I saw all of the changes that they made. Everything was perfectly clean and extremely shiny. The side walks were spotless and the buildings were purple and round. It was so strange. As we were waiting at the stop light, the driver was looking away and I tried to find something that would un-handcuff me. I opened the glove box and found a remote control. I started pressing buttons hoping that it would do something. I press the power button and the alien that was in the body of a blonde woman, went completely limp. The power button had turned her off. I was shocked but I had to act fast. I pushed her out of the car and took her place.
"Catie! Find something that will un hand cuff us!" She found something and we were un cuffed.

It went blurry after this.

On my journey back home, we got lost. We ended up in the middle of the dessert. I remember bits and pieces of trying to avoid them or stealing food to survive. I remember trying to blend in like we were one of them to get things we needed. terrifying. I remember breaking down because I thought we would never find Dominic.

Strange Dream. Pretty intense.

BULLY

So I have attached the evidence here. I was ANGRY out of my mind when I read this. Rabid Dog angry.

I messaged Alexis AND Ricky. I even have other evidence of Ricky saying "Fuck you dominic" and other misc things like that.

My brother is a dork. No denying that. And he drives me up the wall sometimes. But he does NOT deserved to be treated like that and I would never put him down like that. I am so glad that he was strong about this and just fought back. I just cried when kids picked on me. It just shows how much stronger he is than I am in this way.

Alexis' mother even messaged me back and she was extremely reasonable. I was very surprised. A lot of parents get extremely defensive and make up excuses for their kid but she was very understanding and punished Alexis for her wrong doing.

I messaged daniel to thank him for what he said as well.

I messaged Ricky twice but no response. I WILL get a response though. I WILL. And I will hunt someone down if he continues to ignore me.

Gonna go out with my friends tonight to blow of some steam and stress.

The end

Sorry

Sorry for my language :( I was pretty angry.

FUCK YOU

Here is what I have to say to you, you dumbass that keeps laughing at my family.

FUCK YOU!!!! I will fucking kick your mother Fucking ass into the water if you don't stop looking and laughing. Mother fucker

I will Fucking throw your shoes into the ocean and your smart ass laugh up your ass.

And yes I will keep staring at you and asking you 'what' everytime you're brave enough to make eye contact with me. Mother Fucking bitch punk ass.

Wait a Minute...

I know its because I am brown that this is such a big deal for me but Melanie (Main character of the host) is supposed to be my color :( She is supposed to be a light brown.

But of course they are making her white.... of course....

deep sadness

Saoirse Ronan is going to play melanie. She was really good in lovely bones but why is she going to be melanie? whatever.

:'(

The Host

OMG THEY ARE MAKING A MOVIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I"M SO EXCITED!

Wedding Fund

So I really have this strong idea of what I want my wedding to be like. Typical girl :(

I'm going to try to explain it as best I can. I don't want it to be expensive but I honestly don't know how much it would cost to make all these things happen. I want a Spanish/Mexican themed type wedding. I want my dress to be simple and elegant with the sleeves off the sides of my shoulders instead of the top. It needs to be really floral and lacey because I want something more old fashioned and traditional looking. I want my hair to be down and curled with a flower in it. I wish I could take a picture of what I'm picturing... it would be easier.

I want to get married in the church and I want my reception to be outside on some kind of old-stoned patio. I want it to be as the sun is going down. I want there to be some kind of wood that cris-crosses on top as a semi-roof that's covered in vines and flowers. I want flowers everywhere and white Christmas lights along the edges of the wood. Hanging I want candle lit lanterns that dimly lights everything when it gets dark. I want mexican food and a mariachi.

I have the perfect image of it in my head. I have some pictures to provide an idea.
Picture #1: My dresss. This is EXACTLY how I want it except I want side sleeves of lace that aren't too long.

Picture #2: A really simple and beautiful veil. Like this one.

Picture #3 & #4: My hair. I want it exactly like this with a flower on the side

Picture #5: I want my reception to be on a really nice old fashioned looking patio made out of stone. Something that would remind you of a Spanish/Mexican plaza. I want the top part of it to be a roof of vines and flowers. Its exactly like this picture but BIGGER obviously haha

Everything is within reason of course because I'm sure that my husband might want some input too :P hahaha but for now this is what I want.