Good Bye For Now

So the current status on my love life: Unpredictable. Rocky. Hanging by threads? But its still going.

I completely gave up. I don't try anymore. I just do my thing as a girlfriend and leave the rest to him because I won't waste time on the arguing anymore. I just hang up. Stop talking. Leave. Whatever. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

When he gets over it, he comes around and we keep going. Its a struggle but we are still going.

I know I complain a lot. Because we have a really non-healthy relationship. We aren't going anywhere and I don't think we will go anywhere but for now my saying is just "whatever". Whatever whatever whatever.

If by some miracle things get better then we will go further. I will realistically start to see him as my husband. But right now he is not in that thought. I don't see him there as my husband in the future. If he wants this to work, he needs to fix it himself. I am not going to do anything anymore. He needs to work it out for himself and hope that my patience doesn't end us. He should be thankful for every day that we are together right now honestly. I've tried to break up with him several times recently and failed.

But

I do love him. I know it sounds like I don't. I know it sounds like I don't care about him or this relationship, but its not true. I gave us over 10 months to get this fixed. When I got back together with him ten months ago, I was trying. I wanted us to work and I still do. But the truth is that we aren't. I don't want to be stuck and I don't want to go in circles, and 10 months seems like it should have been enough time. That's why I gave up. I gave up because I don't want to be in something forever that isn't going anywhere.

I do love him... so much more than he could ever imagine. I love him enough to be the logical one in this relationship. I had to be the strong enough one to say out loud and be honest about us.

I'm going to have children and I'm going to be a good mom. I can already feel that I would do anything for my kids. I can already feel that they will be my everything. I can already feel that my world will revolve around them and my husband. And I will not let them watch a relationship like this. I would not let them go through seeing their parents fight everyday about stupid things. I won't allow it.

I make him upset and he makes me upset. It goes both ways. He will find someone who will make him happier even though he doesn't think so.

I have never loved anyone in my life more than I love him and he's changed my life. He's changed me. He will always be apart of me.

But I can't crawl anymore. I've been crawling for so long...

When we break up, which could be any day now, it needs to be a clean cut. No means of communication at all. It would make the break up more painful and I'm scared that I would fall back into the circle we're stuck in. No phone. No facebook. No email. No Blog.

Which means that I need to make my blog private for awhile.

We are not broken up yet, but when/if it comes soon, he needs to be used to not checking this everyday.

I will still be writing, but I am going to make my blog private for a few months maybe even longer.

Brandon, I love you. I am trying to enjoy the good times we have left, but you know I am hanging on by a thread. I'm doing this for your own good. You can't get over me by checking up on my occasional thoughts, especially if we break up and I write because I'm going through pain.

You have my heart. You've made it stutter and beat fast and feel as light as a could. You've held it so delicately in your hands. You are loyal to me and you love me unconditionally in every way possible. You know how to make me feel better when I'm sad. You know how to hold me and kiss me so that I know I'm loved. I know that you will be an amazing dad to some beautiful children someday. I could go on forever about how amazing you are.

But the light at the end of our tunnel is but pebble-sized. Our compatibility has lessened in so many ways over time. I would love more than anything for it to grow into the sun again, but it is not doing so. I feel like there is less than a 1% chance that we will last forever.

I'm crying because I know I'm too weak to let you go now. I'm crying because I love you with everything in my entire body. I wanted more than anything for us to be together forever the second I feel in love with you. I'm crying because I am scared. I do not look forward to the pained nights I spend crying myself to sleep because I will miss you. I'm not looking forward to the emptiness I will feel without you. I'm not looking forward to the physical pain in my chest because I won't have you anymore.

And I know its coming.

After a few days and after this post, I am going to make it private.

Brandon James Sokol, you are my first love and forever engraved in my heart and I love you.

And this is from my blog,

Good Bye For Now