I guess!

I guess this is really happening? I'm leaving in less than a month now.
I filled out my housing app today and found out about student loans. I also have to look through the catalog today so I can decide what classes I want.

I made my slug mail account so I have three emails to check now. Fabulous.

They say that I should take 2 classes at the most per quarter that have to do with my major and 1 or 2 elective classes which i am REALLY excited about because then I can take my graphic design or film classes on the side. So awesome.

I'm going to hang out with Jason and misc other at Cantinas and watch some glee in about 10 mins. I'll probably only watch about half because I really need some time with Brandon. I can watch the second half of glee at home.

So much going on. Gah. I need to go pee and then get outta hurr. Maybe I'll write some more later tonight. This helps a lot.

To Do

1.) Move little TV to patio
2.) Buy new hawaiian punch airwick scent. Mine ran out.
3.) Find out who wanted my leaf if I don't want it anymore. Its so pretty though....Second thoughts...
4.) Wrap Rosie's Christmas present for secret santa tonight.
5.) Finish World 1 in Mario
6.) Learn how to random dance better so that catie doesn't hit me every time I try.
7.) Make Christmas list. Better to do it now than later.

Get on it mag! Back to cleaning.

Cleaning

I'm cleaning my room right now. When I say cleaning I mean really cleaning. I mean that everything has to go somewhere. Its all being divided into 4 piles:
1.) Garbage
2.) Swap meet
3.) Storage
4.) School

I have one shelf down and done. It looks so bare. Its kind of scary. I'm used to my room feeling nice and cozy with my light clutter.

I have also been playing super mario bros constantly which is kind of funny. I can't stop playing.

The more recent scare right now is pregnancy. I haven't had my period in 2 months.

GOTCHA! totally kidding. I just had my period. Just thought I'd try and get a scare cheheh

Anyway the REAL scare is that my family and I are having a family therapy session today at 4. I'm kind of scared because things are good right now. I mean the therapy would have nice when my mom was going crazy on me or if she does in the future. Hopefully this family session won't open some kind of can of worms that will just make everything crumble. Scared. The main thing that I would like to cover is my mom's workaholicness. I think that Catie wants to talk about that too. She is there 6 days a week and hours past the end of school. Anywho. I hope it turns out okay. I'm going to keep cleaning and listening to music until then.

peace

Don't Forget

Dear Brandon,

I know that this is hard. I do know that. I know that I'm leaving soon and you've been very pessimistic on whether or not it will work when I leave and it hurts :'(

I can't say that we will last forever but I can't say that we won't but with this attitude it makes it seem extremely difficult to make it work. I'm not giving up. You know that I'm not. You know how many chances I've had to slide out of this. You know how many times I could have said goodbye.

Listen to me. I love you. I love you so much more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I'm not giving up for a long time but I need you to not give up either. Sometimes I feel like you dump your effort onto me and I have to put in the effort for the two of us. I need you to keep trying :'( I feel like you are slowly giving up. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. I know that someone could give you more than I give you and make you a million times more happy than I do, but I love you. And I'm selfish. And I still want you for myself.

But if at some point, if I can see that I cause you only pain in your life and no happiness, I will have to let you go. I love you more than anything on this earth and I want you to be happy.

When I hurt you whether it is my fault or not, I feel pain. The pain I get from hurting you is horrible. And I get this vision. I get an image of a girl somewhere who could make you happier than I could ever make you.

This girl lives closer to you and can be there whenever you need her. This girl doesn't hurt you by hanging out with her friends or going to a school far away. This girl can meet your needs much better than I can.

And as much it tears me apart to imagine you with someone else, I would endure it for you. I would go through the pain of seeing you with someone else so that you could be happy. Whether you find her in a month or in years if I let you go, I know she is out there.

You are so much more amazing than you give yourself credit for.

I know you've heard this a million times and you hate to hear it but I do make time for my friends and family. I know that it hurts you but I care about them too. I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world but I really try :'( It is more difficult to be a good girlfriend from so far away.

Please through all of this....please as I write this in tears.....know that I care about eddie. I do. He means a lot to me and he will forever be apart of my life and family. He's done so much for me and he is always there for me.

But please please don't forget that I love you.
Don't forget that my heart belongs to you.
Don't forget that I ache for you when I'm not with you.
Don't forget that you take me out of this world when I am with you.
Don't forget that your kiss brings me butterflies.
Don't forget that I love you and you have forever changed me whether we are together forever or not.

Please don't forget.

Love,
Magdalena

Perfect

Sometimes when you think things are going bad, it ends up working out perfectly in the end. I'm really glad for this.

Catie is getting much better :) I'm really really glad. When they told me that they were going to test her for HIV I was really freaking out. I love catie a lot. I need her. She's my best friend.

I ate like an old grama today. My jaw locked :( Its been locked for the past two days. It was like that when I woke up. These things usually go away with time so I should be okay in a few days. If not, I told my dad that i'd get it checked out. Also my tongue injury from biting my tongue makes it hard to eat :( Anything that puts pressure on it, makes it hurt. So when I ate lunch I ate slow and like a grama. I had to eat on one side and I had to eat in small pieces since my jaw couldn't open all the way. Lovely.

Grama Magdalena. Someday.

Maybe?

So I guess art is one of those things that I could go into if I really wanted to try. I enjoy doing it I guess but it isn't really my thing I think. I found my sketch pad though. That brought me back.

Also I was brushing my teeth and it was really hard because when I was at Jose's house on friday playing Mario, I got really into it and I bit my tongue. like REALLY hard. It hurts still kinda and I have to eat very cautiously.

Also I have been avoiding showers because our water heater is broken. So if I decide to take a shower, I feel like I'm being hit with ice. Either that or I slowly get used to it like I do at the beach but that takes FOREVER! I might have to ask my friends if I can shower at their houses like a homeless person. I feel so gross right now though. I'm going on day 4 without a shower. gah

GROSS!

Forget You!

ALSO I cannot get over this song. Gwyeneth. You are amazing. Still too bad you couldn't get your hub hub on the show ;D

ALL EDGED PAN??

I didn't even know what to make the title for this blog but I'm sure by the time I finish writing it I will figure out something.

I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm watching oprah right now and she did kind of the coolest thing ever. She filled her audience with people who have given back to their community (like to the extreme), like bunches of super volunteers and people who have done crazy charity work and such and she is giving them CRAPLOADS of free things. They are all so happy. I feel almost as lucky as they are just to see them getting something for doing something for this world. Most of them are crying haha.

I am SO glad that my period is coming to an end. I actually looked into birth control finally. I've actually been more keene about it since steph told me that it cleared up her acne. They other thing I didn't know was that if I take it, I will know exactly when I'm going to have my period. Like DEAD ON know when

WAIT WAIT OMG!!! The next thing oprah is giving away is SO GENIUS!!! I don't know WHO thought of this. OMG!! So she's right, some people just like the edge of a food dish because of the crust that forms against the pan. Omg this pan goes back and forth so that EVERYONE GETS AN EDGE! SO GENIUS! I'll post a picture. So smart. That person is a genius.

anyway so I will know exactly when I will have my period. I would kind of like that so that I dont' have to wait around wondering when its going to come. Its annoying. I also want the birth control to help with my symptoms :( I get everything guh. Bloating, acne, moody, I eat everything, my boobs hurt, I get the worst cramps ever, I get super fatigued. It just stinks so bad. So I should be getting that soon and I really hope the outcome is good. If I don't like what its doing then I'll just stop taking it.

Things are going pretty good I think. I feel good today. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should say they are going good for me in particular. Eddie has gotten kind of better and I think I believe him because we are having more fun hanging out recently. I've noticed a HUGE difference and its pretty awesome :)

Also Brandon has gotten a million times better at making me laugh too. I'm not sure whats different but he can genuinely make me crack up a lot more often than before.

To have two people close to me, become more close in ANY way, just really makes my day. I'm going to miss both of them terribly when I leave :'(

AND! If catie can keep her food down then she gets to come home today :D I am so glad that she is improving even if its just by a little.

I leave in about 39 days.

Kind of scary.

Brandon knows that I love him more than anything and visa versa, but I really hope that if we don't work out, that we could still be friends. I know that this isn't very likely because he doesn't go down without a fight. But in all seriousness I would love for us to still be okay with each other. I want to be able to check up on him every now and then and have a good chat with him about everything. I know that I can do it but i don't know if he would be up for that. Anyway, we are going to try as best we can to stay together when we go but we will see. Its so far.

But I'm ready for this. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I really am.

39 days to get ready. Lets do this.

Negative and Positive

Catie is really really sick :( I hope she'll be okay. She's throwing up and really pale. Its kind of scaring me. I love her so much, and I really hope its not an infection from her finger. She Is resting right now and has an appointment soon so thats good.

Brandon is upset with me again. I hate it when he is upset with me.
A lot of the time I take a general look at Eddie and I think that he would never get upset with me about the things that Brandon does. And sometimes I look at Eddie and think that Brandon would never do some of the things that he does. In other words, they both have their moments.

I could go really deep into the subject but at the end it would say this.
I wouldn't want either of them to change their person for anyone let alone for me. They are both close to me for being themselves.

In the end Brandon knows that I love him and Eddie is still my best friend.

So much going on. Its not fair to give the situation only a few sentences.
I don't have time to go into depth right now anyway.

On a positive note, I finally started my period so my bloatedness will go away soon. Can't wait for that.

I have to go get ready for roseanita's birthday. The end.

Goals

I have some goals set for this week. Goals of all kinds.

*SidesNote* Kanye why are you faced in an awkward position? The camera is behind you. (Gold Digger Music Video)

So anyway I just have some min goals and long term ones that I need to start on.

1. Exercise more.
2. Spend more time with the biffy (whether is in person or just talking)
3. Clean my room hardcore because I don't know who will be going through my stuff when I leave for school.
4. Try not to freak out about leaving for school. Leaving in a month and a half. Keep breathing mag.
5. Tell my family that I love them more often.
6. Sing with dominic more
7. Be more responsible.
8. Help mom More.
9. Make more home videos.
10. Spend more time with esthela
11. Pray more. I haven't had a good converstaion with God in awhile and I kind of miss him. He's given me everything that I have and some recognition every now and then isn't a lot to give.
12. Keep writing novel. I was off to a really good start.

Bam plans for today. Going to mass at 11:30 and then to the store to get stuff for lasanga and salad that we are making for today. We are all going to my Aunt Nina's house this time. I haven't been to this new place yet. Anyway, looking forward to spending time with them. This may be the second to last time I see them before I go off into the real world. My parents should rent out my room while I'm gone for some money. Anyway, I gotta go change.

ps I drank a lot last night and had a good time talking to both mike's and jose and some kid with shaggy hair named anthony. I ate rice and chicken and just had some good convos. Good times. I'm glad I don't get hangovers yay!

PEACE

Soooo Dream?

Updates Updates.... I'm bored out of my mind right now. I'll write about a dream I had about a week ago. Very weird.

I was with a group of people. I didn't know any of them and we were following someone into a dungeon. It was very deep into the castle it was in. I was wearing a black dress and a necklace made of pearls. I had strap on black shoes and I had a big white bow in my shoulder length hair. I followed along with everyone else. Everyone was dressed in dark colors, some holding onto other people. I guess some of them knew each other. They dungeons were lit with hundreds and hundreds of candles. It was a really creepy place to be in. The man that was leading us led us into a smaller dungeon also lit with candles and had us sit on wooden bleachers against the wall. I sat on the second to top bench on the edge. I was scared. The man told us that we were going to be locked away forever. But we were going to be locked away forever with one other person. We got to choose our other person based on how fast we finished making a necklace. So he gave us baskets of beads. They were very very small. They were about the size of a cookie crumb. The necklace had to be all the same color beads though. It couldn't be different beads. this would have been easy except the light was so dim because the candles didn't provide much. When he was telling us all of this I saw a man on the opposite side of the bench of my bench. He had a top hat on and was as tall as I was. He had dark brown skin and a pointy beard. He was wearing a brown plaided suit and a monocle. I have no idea why but I wanted to be paired with this man. I wanted to be stuck wherever I was going to be with that guy. I just HAD to. So when the man said go, I started making my necklace as fast as I could. I poked myself with the needle I was using but I was making good progress. I could see that he was using red beads and I was using yellow ones. He kept looking at another woman and that made me more desperate because I knew that he was going to choose to be with her if he finished before I did. So I worked faster. I worked as fast as I could. About 3/4 of the way through, I saw that he was almost done. I was working so fast that I wasn't sure if I was using all yellow beads. I held up the necklace to the candle light and I started sobbing. I was using light green ones mixed with yellow ones. They looked the same in the dimmer light where I was sitting. I would never be able to undo and redo mine in time. Then he finished. His necklace was beautiful. It was perfect and red. And he choose the woman. She was better than me in a lot of ways. Her hair was long and dark brown and her skin was smooth. Her body was amazing and her face was beautiful. I was too late and I just cried out desperately because I had failed.


Thats all I remember. I have no idea what it means. humph