Complain

I try not to complain. I really do. But recently has been just horrible.



My ankle still hurts.

I'm breaking out like crazy right now.

I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.

I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.

Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.

My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I can't stop shoving my face with food.

And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.

yay my life is awesome.

My Subway Recipe

My posts have been a bit down lately. So I'm writing this one to lighten things up. This is my typical subway sandwhich.

Spicy Italian
Toasted
On italian bread
American cheese
lettuce
extra tomato
cucumber
bell pepper
avocado
mayo
mustard

Masterpiece!

If I got what I wished for

I sat on my bed.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.

It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.

Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.

I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.

No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.

I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.

None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.

It is not happy.

I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.

I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.

I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.

I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.

I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.

I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.

I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.

I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.

I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.

I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.

I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.

I got what I wished for.

Dear Dear

Dear iPhone,

You look so pretty right now. Don't let anyone tell you other wise ;D


Dear Summer,

I am SOO happy to see you. I am already busy with plans plans plans. I can't wait.


Dear Eric,

I really miss talking to you :'( I miss your texts too. I don't even care if we are just friends but I feel like we don't even have that anymore. I hope I'm crazy and you're right that you are just busy with school stuff. Anywho. I'll be waiting.

Dear Mr. Headache,
YOU ARE HURTING MEE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!


agmay

I've been trying to sleep for the last two hours and I feel horrible. I know I have to but sometimes I don't think I can do this. Who will ever love me like that again? How did I even get so lucky. No one has made me happier than he has. Why did I do this to us...Why do I feel like I want to solidify my feelings.

I lie there in all of this pain and anguish and wonder what I was thinking. I hate that I did what I did. Its too late. I can't change my mind. I'm such an idiot.

writing helps. I think I can sleep now. My eyes hurt

If I had known that his prom was going to be the last he held me the way he did...I would not have left.

I told him so long ago, that there was a particular song that I wanted to dance to at our wedding. He requested it at his prom. It was the last song they played. I was so breath taken that he had remembered and that they were playing it. He held me so close and told me he loved me.

We spent most of that night being close to each other and I feel asleep in his arms. I was worried that his mom would be upset that we were sleeping in the same bed so several times I tried to get up and leave to sleep somewhere else even though I wanted to stay. Everytime I got up, he pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before, and everytime I did not fight it.

Right now I would do almost anything to relive that night...

I miss Brandon so much. A lot of the time, I'm okay or distracted or whatever but sometimes I still feel the pain from losing something that I loved dearly. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. I've never given so much of myself to someone. It was hard to do what I did. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is still so much that I want with him.

I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.

I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.

But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.

I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.

I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.

All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.

I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.

he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.

Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.

I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.

I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.

This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.

This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.

I'm writing this in tears and heartache and pain but it makes me SO ANGRY.

How DARE you! How dare you assume these things about me. You don't know how much I love him and how much of myself I gave to him. I did this for both of us, not just me. I loved him with everything that I had.

I WANTED things to work out. I still do but I need to make sure its what I want because if I'm not sure, we will both suffer in the long run.

Amanda. Do NOT compare our relationship to yours. I am not you and Brandon is not steve and Brandon and I had a relationship that you and Steve will never come even close to. Brandon never physically hurt me and never went behind my back to do anything hurtful to me. I did NOT just break up with him because of the distance. Don't act like you understand why I broke up with him because you don't and you never will or you would be helping Brandon through this instead of telling him that It was my fault for everything.

I want more than anything for him to be happy. But he needs to do it the right way and I was only a temporary solution. We can't be together if doesn't see what he is for himself. His insecurity was hurting both of us and the distance made it harder.

HOW DARE you think that I am using him as a rebound. That is the last reason I broke up with him. I would never do that to ANYONE...

I want that future with him and by giving him up I am giving him that chance to see if I am really the one. He has every right to see who he wants and to see if he can find someone to make him happier than I can. He may not be able to find that soon but I want him to have that chance because I need that chance too. If I don't get him back because he found someone else then good. Because he deserves to be happy. In NO way am I keeping him in my life as a safety net.

I am keeping him in my life because I want to help him get through this. I really really want him to be happy. I know he can't do it on his own and if he hurts anywhere as near as much as I do or did by leaving him, then he needs someone.

You have no idea how much I miss his touch or his kiss. You have no idea how much I wish I could fall asleep in his arms one last time. But I had to do this. And don't you DARE assume that you know what I went through or what I am going through. I gave him everything I had and I've never loved anyone more than I loved him.

So stop.

I will never forget you. I promise.

A lot is changing. I can tell that who I am is changing too. I have had so much go through my mind lately. Its so stressful and overwhelming sometimes. I've been sleeping a lot to help. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about it.

I dreamt about him last night though. I was asleep on my bed and I woke up crying. I was too weak to open my eyes so I just laid there on my side with tears streaming down my face. I remember that I could barely move. And then he came into my room. Just like he had so many times before, he laid down next me, sliding his arm under my head and pulled me close to him. He held me and wiped my tears away and sang to me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay. That not just the drama with us, but that everything else that was bothering me would go away. I opened my eyes once and he was smiling at me and I remember seeing the color of his eyes again and remembering how beautiful they were. He had the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. Then he pulled me even closer and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying and fell asleep. But technically I woke up since it was a dream.

I miss him so much. I really do. We did have a lot of problems with the distance and everything, but I really do miss him so much. He is still a huge part of me. I can still feel where he is inside of me. I need to be strong and do this though. I thought I would be much worse off than this but I try to distract myself so that helps.

I really hate that I like Eric so much too. Its so stressful. I was so sure that he liked me too but now I'm not. I've come to a conclusion that I don't like but I'm willing to think about that instead of what I'm missing that Brandon has. Either way I think about something that hurts, only one hurts more than the other.

I'm used to the lesser hurt though. This feeling that I have, that someone that I like does not like me back is not new. I've felt this before countless times. I've been through this cycle before. Some girls let this drive them crazy I think. Only once in my life have I had feelings for someone and have them return the feelings back to me. I had to let him go for reasons that most people would not understand. Oh sure guys have liked me, but that doesn't mean that I've returned the feelings back.

I have an admiration for someone that does not feel the same way about me. Or at least I think so. I might just be crazy but I guess we'll find out.

I need to get through this math final and then I can stop stressing out about that.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to like someone and be in love with someone else at the same time? Its extremely conflict. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. The love that I cannot go back to yet if I do go back, and the likeness that I have for someone else and the guilt for feeling these both at the same time. Its so confusing. It nags at my mind all the time.

I try not to think about any of this. I really do with all of my might try but I hardly ever succeed. I just want to play some ping pong. Is that too much to ask for? I want someone to take away all feeling just for a little while. I just want to be at oblivious ease. Just for a little while. I need a break.

Its time for a change. I can feel it. Its coming fast and I'm ready to take it on.

BOYSS

poke poke poke poke poke poekpoekpeokepokepokepokepeokpeoke


awwwwweeeeeeee


pokepoekpokepeokpeokepkoe


swoooooonnnnnnnnn


@.@

hahahahahhaha :)

pokepokepoekpeokpeokpeokepok

Water Balloon

I'm okay. For now. I feel like a water balloon. I feel like that water balloon that someone put too much water in. Any slight stab or movement of the wrong kind of pressure could break me. I have to be careful.

I want to hold you so badly or be in your arms. I want to touch your face and wipe away your tears. I want to be there for you to let you know that everything is going to be okay...

Finally got at least 7 hours of sleep all together since we broke up.

I can feel where he is supposed to be in my heart and in my life, but at this very minute I'm okay. I don't feel good in any sense but I don't feel like the pain is going to rip me open right now. Lets shoot for falling asleep because I'm tired tonight, not because I'm so weary of crying.

What have I done...

Day 2

I'm so sorry that it has to be like this. I miss you. I wish I could be with you. I am such an idiot and I've made so many mistakes and put you through so much pain. I deserve what I'm feeling. I deserve to cry myself to sleep over what i've done.

Don't ever believe that I didn't love you. Don't ever believe that I did this for just me. I hate that you worried about Eric at all because I didn't have feelings for him. Yes I was attracted to him and I still am but its nothing compared to what I feel for you. I don't think it ever will be.

My head hurts and my chest aches and if I let it completely take over I start shaking. Most times I don't even know why I thought this was worth what I did. But I can't go back this time...I've already done too much damage.

I promise that I won't do anything stupid but I wish I never existed sometimes. I could leave people with a lot less pain and trouble.

I hope this gets better because this pain is unbearable. If I can get through this then I know I can get through anything. If I can live through this then I know I'll be stronger than I was before.

Until the Weather Changes

I trust the God and time will heal me and Brandon. I can't go back this time. I can't do that to him or to me. I didn't think I would feel the pain I do right now but I refuse to let it control me like it did last time. I refuse to let it crush me from the inside out. Do I love him? Of course I do. But we both need this and I need to be strong this time. I hope he understands.

I do honestly see a future with him. I see a beautiful family and a happy life. But its blurry. And I won't settle for blurry. I want it to be solid and this is the only way to find out if he is the one and to make my blurry vision of our future solid. Not a second goes by where I don't think of him. I would do anything for him. Thats why I have to do this. I have to.

Until I heal, I try to distract myself. Its like putting ice in the sun. The ice will eventually melt. It won't stay solid for long. But I will keep trying until the weather changes.