If I got what I wished for

I sat on my bed.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.

It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.

Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.

I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.

No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.

I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.

None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.

It is not happy.

I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.

I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.

I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.

I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.

I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.

I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.

I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.

I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.

I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.

I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.

I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.

I got what I wished for.