Blah

I have no idea what to write right now. So many random thoughts that I might explode... This is ridiculous. I am performing this week. We have 6 hours practices until thurs. which is opening night. haha After this week I have no life anymore. :P I will need people to keep me pre-occupied. tata

Vulnerability

I have learned a huge thing about myself during all of this. I am not so great with vulnerability. I have taught myself how to avoid attatchment in certain situations so that I wouldn’t get hurt or expect anything. It is easier that way but I don’t see it as a good thing. One of my best friends helped me see this. How am I supposed to experience anything or be able do do other things without taking that risk of being hurt? How. It certainly is the truth but I may wait just a little while longer. At some point I will just have to let go of that thing that blocks me from becoming attatched. But will I be able to?

Signals

Emotional signals are extremely complex but are easily read. I realized too late what I had done. It wasn't fair for you. Mixed signals are the worst and I was being stupid. I regret it happening. I regret acting the way I did. It was a contradictory thing to what I felt. I sent the wrong signal. I should have been more honest. It was something that I should have realized right then. I'm not sure if I can fix it or create a less confusing ending but I'll try.

Panic

Panic is starting to dawn upon me. I'm getting flickers of it. I will probably never see a lot of my friends in about 3-4 months. Missa is going away. I will force myself to call caitlin....or I'll visit her work. I have no idea where steph is going. Ash is going to new york. Danielle is going away. I am going to have to go to college next year. I have no idea what I would want my major to be. The stupid application asked me a million wierdo questions including about 5 times asking whether I was married or not.

I have changed schools I think 5 times in my life. In all instances I did not like moving and trying to find new friends. I'm open to making neew friends. I just get kind of nervous. Ha. Oh ya. I am going to have to censor a lot of conversation topics because the male gender will be in classes with me.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of OLP yet. I guess I'm just so comfortable in a bubble right now. I don't want it to burst yet. I just want this bubble for a little longer. A lot of the time I am okay with change. I'm not sure if I'm okay with this one though. High school is sort of a safe harbor. I'm not even freaking out completely yet. Keep in mind that I am only getting flickers of it. mid/late May it will really kick in. Is this what you call senioritis? I hate that word. It's extremely stereotypical(sp?).

It's going okay so far. I still have about 1 month and a half left. I'm still 17. We've been having music man practice everyday until 6. It's oober cheesy. One of the cheesiest musicals out there. We're on the decent level. XD It's still kind of fun though. I need to get some sleep now. I am slowly growing back into my regular sleeping pattern.

I hope everyone had a good spring break. :D

.:bye:.

Six Flags

I have this list that I made of things that I want to wite about later. Its a notepad. Whenever I think of something else I bust it out and write a little reminder. It's easier to write about stuff when I have reminders. But there's one that says 'Dream: wierd'. I don't remember it though..... so moving on.

A coulpe of weeks ago (?) I went to six flags. Extremely fun. I went on X-treme, tatsu, goliath, scream, round-up, and I can't remember any more right now. Tatsu was my favorite one. Most of the ones I went on had technical difficulties unfortunately. I wish i remember more.... It was awhile ago... I remember the first half of the day I went on three rides (I think) with eddie... and then 4 rides the second half of the day with catie, andrew, and nora. Well I went on round up with all of them but on goliath and scream with andrew.

ugh... this is bugging me now.. hmmm I remembered blurs of things happening.... Haha I remember laughing at the photoshopped picture of the dragon from tatsu. I just remember laughing a lot.... and getting cheek cramps...

ha the last time i had those was at the football game.... They are the worst kind. BUT its from laughing.... Does it cancel each other out then? Is it a it hurts so good situation? if you are laughing but it hurts your cheeks? hmm... sorry I used a lot of dots.

The next thing its says here is catie's birthday party. Unfortunately hardly anyone showed up. We have a lifetime supply of tamales, liter soda, some sort of beef, and hot dog buns....
Marissa and I tried to dig a hole through the earths core but we got lazy half way through. I meant to go in the water but it never happened. I need to go back soon......perhaps by myself.

My mom is showing her static thing to everyone. I saw some huge ones at the science museum in Boston. One of the best museums I have ever been to. I really liked the east coast but I don't know what I woud do without mexican food.

Yesterday marissa and I heard a wierd small squeaking noise. It was coming from my arm every time it moved and so we thought it was my bones rubbing together. hahaha we are nerds... we found out that it was the plastic wire in my bra.... I should have figured it out first...but it didn't happen that way XD...

I have nothing to do the rest of today and tomorrow which is wednesday. On thursday dominic is having a birthday party. And a jump for joy.. I love those things... I'm excited for that part. I don't know what else to write about right now so I guess I'll stop. :D I hope everyone has a good spring break.

.:bye:.

Title/Samoas

You know how difficult it is to name these posts? You think its easy but its not. lol
Like for this one it could have been various things like: How do you title? or Title confusion or something corny like that. I also noticed that my entries are becoming shorter and shorter. (note to marissa: check our photobucket account. You are caitlin are adorable in those photos.)

brb I'm @ my mom's classroom helping her.

Back. For a little while anyway. It's her 5th period right now. Physics. I still need to organize and file some stuff though. Haha I'm watching the office right now too. We bought one episode from here. Its the one where the branch closes. Jim just ricked dwight by saying that the coffee is poisned from 'future' Dwight. Hilarious.

Anyway. I have some stuff that I can write about right now I suppose. It was meant for my journal (haven't done that in awhile either) but I have some time right now.

Awhile ago I was at the library (the south chula vista library which is open on sundays and has a really cool fountain in the middle of it) and it was night. Whenever I go, I see the home of a homeless person. He has set up a small area for himself in the corner of the parking lot where its close enough to the construction that hopefully no one will bother him. He lives there and always has his bike chained to the pole nearby. Over the past couple of years I have seen him gain more and more basic posessions in his little corner. He now has small boxes that surround his area along with a cot thing in the middle of it under a sleeping bag. He also has a television and some other random stuff. I hadn't fully seen him until that night. I relly wanted to give him somthing....I didn't have any healthy food though. All I had was girl scout cookies. Samoas to be specific. I didn't know if they belonged to anyone because they were laying around in the car. Anyway, I was debating for about 5 min whether or not to go over and give in any. He was an african american man maybe in his 60's wearing a beanie watching television. I eventully got into my ccar and started it and decided to leave. My only reasons for not giving the cookies to him were what if he didn't want them? or what if he was insulted that I would give him food? There were a million questions like that in my head. I put my car in reverse but stopped in the middle of the parking lot on my way out. I grabbed the cookies and decided to go and give them to him. The debate was reaelly wierd. I debate with myself a lot but that time I felt skitsafrenic (I know thats not spelled right). It was kind of scary because I didn't know how he would react. I left my car running in the middle of the parking lot. (I shouldn't have done that) I jumped out and went up to him and said excuse me. I said, "Hi". He was welcoming and had a warm smile and said, "Why hello there". I was relieved. Then I said, "I was wondering if you wanted some cookies." I held them out. He took them and said, "Why thank you! That's very nice. You have a good night." I responded the same and left. I was happy that he didn't feel insulted by the cookies. I hope the rest of his life goes fairly well. I'm sure that thats not the last time I will see him.

I'll make new titles.....

Ransom

...is Easter. so Happy Easter everyone. And my cousin almost lit my grams on fire. She probably won't ever read this but I'm sorry I brought it up. It was extremely funny where as it would not have been if something bad had happened.

It is freezing out here in my garage. My mom is using the iMac. I can't feel my fingers. I wouldn't be able to type without looking at the keyboard.

haha Here is a ransom note that I will someday leave someone. (I'm sure marissa is probably sick of this by now)

DeAR mR. SMitH,

yOu'Ll nEVeR SeE cHarliE AGaiN
uNLeSS We rECiEVe ThE fOlLowIng
AmOUnT oF MonEY:

gOoGoL DoLLArs (iN cASh)

sENd to 2678 mIstY DRIve bY 4 p.M. on THurS.


haha hilarious..... I thought it might be funny if the ransom-note writer actually put his/her own address as the sending place.... That would be funny.

Everyone sleep well tonight. I must prepare myself for a day of doing nothing tomorrow. :D

.:bYe:.

An Upside Down Earth

How come we decided to look at the earth the way we did? Why don't we don't we look at the earth and say 'oh look the U.S. is right above canada'? Who decded that Canada would be above the U.S.? Why couldn't the map have been the other way where mexico was on top us? I'm not mad or anything. It's just wierd. And I am curious as to know who decided which way we would design and draw all maps in the future.