Clumsy

I was running. I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. I felt empty.
I stopped at my family for a rest and I would forget that I was looking for it.
And then I would remember. And I would start running again.
I can't find it. I can't find it.
I stopped at school for a rest and then some friends. But then I would go looking again.
For years I ran trying to find it...
And then I found him, and it came with him.
He stopped me in my tracks.
I ran right into him.
It was no mistake.
He lifted up my face to see his and he wiped away my frantic tears.
Woah!, he said, slow down, I will help you.
He took my hand into his and he walked with me.
I never stopped looking at him. Not for a second.
We walked and walked for a very long time.
We stopped at my family.
We stopped at my friends.
We stopped at school and other things.
And then I realized that I wasn't looking anymore.
He was it.
He knew what I had realized and made a smile that caught my breath and made my heart beat faster.
We knew that we were it. We knew.
He tightened his grip on my hand and we kept walking.
At first it was easy. No rocks no obstacles.
There was nothing but flat paths and beautiful trees and grass to look at as we passed.
A few times he let me ride on his back and he would carry me without trouble.
It was wonderful and it was beautiful. Anyone would have been grateful to take my place or his.

And then we found small obstacles here and there.
Some tree roots to climb over or a small pond to cross.
We got used to them. It was okay.
Then people from the side saw us and gave us stares that were uncomfortable.
He protected from them but it was hard to ignore.
Sometimes people would laugh at us trying to get through some mud or trying to get through some trees.
Sometimes I cried. Not for me but for him.
He held my hand and helped me.

And then we got to a fork in the road.
One path was dangerous and dark. It wasn't pretty but it would get me to the other side.
The other path was was what we were already going through. Obstacles every now and then but it would have been okay.
I wanted to save him from the torment and from the struggle. I wanted to save him from me. I wanted to save him from pain. He would feel pain, being alone for awhile but he would be okay.

So when he wasn't looking, I broke free and ran. I ran into the path that was dangerous and lonely.
He was so devastated that I left him. He just sat there and cried.
I cried too. But I kept running. I tripped and fell and cut myself open on the ground.
I stumbled and clawed my way through darkness.
I can't go back. I can't go back.
It was always dark but I found ways to move forward.
And then the dark was too much. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I turned around and I ran back. I ran and I ran and then I saw that I hadn't gotten as far as I thought I had.
He was right there waiting for me.
He looked up and I ran into his arms.
We cried and cried never letting go of each other.
He held me and wiped away the dirt off of my face.

And then I took his hand and we walked again but this time down the other path.
It wasn't as easy as we thought.
The obstacles were bigger and harder to get around.
But we stuck together.

and that is where we are right now.

Sometimes I trip him without knowing and he trips me.
He gets bruises and scrapes because of me.
I get sprained ankles and cuts because of him.
We are stumbling through a path that had once been the easiest thing in our lives.
We are so clumsy and uncoordinated now.
But I love him.
And he loves me.
And after we trip and fall and go through the pain, we are both there to pick the other up, kiss the wounds, and keep walking.
For now its what we'll do.

I'm willing to stumble for him.
I'm willing to take the jeers and laughter that come from the side lines.
I'm willing to fight off any danger or harm that comes to him.

For now we will keep walking and see where it takes us.

Updates

Just some updates. I've been better. Not as depressed as I was last week about everything. I got some new music. Totally loving it all. So good. I can't stop listening to Bon Iver. His voice is just the most wonderful melted warm milk chocolatey voice I have every heard. Its like a lullaby.

I'm mostly over not having my wh&g job. I will miss the guys though :'( They meant a lot to me and they brightened my day. When I left most of them looked at me sadly because I was leaving, but they were happy for me because they knew I had greater plans ahead of me. Adolfo took my by the shoulders and said, "I am so heartbroken that you are leaving and that you are so sad, but listen. You are going on to do greater things than this and it won't matter in the future that this happened. You have your whole life ahead of you." It really meant a lot to hear things like that from them. I will never forget them. I'm also glad that I wasn't the only one who really couldn't stand MaryEllen.

So right now I'm just doing chores and pulling myself together. I have people who care about me and know that I would never do anything horrible or irresponsible to get fired and that keeps me going. I helped Esthela a lot today and I even bought some groceries for the family.

The biggest update right now is that Brandon and I have been test running everything for about two months. It was very rocky at first and all of the arguing isn't completely eliminated but he is trying his best to make this work. I want this to work too. I've been afraid and stressed out and worried about it. But this last week was really really good. I've seen him a few times since then and those times went well too.

I refuse to censor any of this since I never did before. We do argue about petty things sometimes. Stupid things but we get past those. The one thing that I told brandon that I would never do is stop being eddie's friend. Even though he stopped talking to me for a year, I would never do that to him. He's done too much for me and is one of my best friends. As far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. Brandon has been having a very hard time dealing with this but he will have to deal because I am not changing my mind. I love brandon more than anything but I will not give up family.

I know I am a hypocrite and I know that I was so sure that I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I love Brandon more than he could possibly ever imagine and he's done so much for me. He is so much more different than a lot of people I know, and that's why I love him. I'm glad that we don't have a lot in common because it just makes him that much more interesting. He takes care of me and loves me more than I deserve in a lifetime. I am going to try to make this work as long as I can. I can't say it will last forever and I can't say that it won't, I can only focus on what is in the present.

And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks because I love him and he makes me happy. He does things for me that no one else can. And thats what matters so I'm going to be selfish and take it.

I could write for ever about this. I could write about how much I love brandon and about how bad I feel because I cannot make my best friend happy when he deserves it, but It would take so long. I will write about it on and off.

I hate that no matter what I do, I can never make everyone happy. I need to be less me, then maybe people would be more happy.

Mold

My foot was molding. Because it was dipped in water.
My hand was molding. Because it was trailing the water going back and forth.
I'm sitting in a wooden chair. And it was molding because it rocks in water.
My bruises were covered in mold and were swelling up.
My vulnerability was stripped naked and started to mold. It stung.
I sat in my mold. It smelled and made me cry.
I peered over at dry land where the mold would not survive but I stayed where I was.
Sometimes I would go to a dry patch of land but water would creep up and I would start to mold again.
Staying on dry land where it is safe and mold free is hard sometimes.
But everyday I try again and try to stay as dry as possible.

Sweet Disposition

I can't get over this song children.

Fired

I've been kind of depressed lately because of getting beaten up and yesterday I got fired. I don't understand why they fired me exactly and when I asked why they didn't give me any warning, they said that when they hired me that I had the type of job where they could fire me without any notice if they wanted too. I've never faced such rejection before in my life. Okay I did text during work but so did sheena and maryellen so I shouldn't get fired for that. I shouldn't get fired for talking because sheena talked more than three times than I did. I guess this is just one of those things. I'm so heart broken that I had to say goodbye to the guys while sobbing my eyes out. I can't believe they fired me 2 months before I was going to leave anyway. I will post our emails on here later so that later when I read this, i will know exactly what happened. I'm just so sad and angry right now and sitting around with nothing to do. I think I might facepaint for tips at the beach or something. Its about 800 dollars that I lost that I could have saved for school from being fired. I have about 1700 right now. Hopefully I will be okay for the semester. We'll see. I just need to take this experience as a learning one like my mom said and be strong about it. I always forget how vulnerable I am until something happens to me and it hits me like a train. I will get past this but right now I'm still heartbroken and hurt. I just need some time I guess.

Ow Ow

I don't know where these come from. Maybe its from my stress or maybe I just think too much sometimes, but this pain is horrible. Its the worst kind of pain that anyone can have. I panic. I just lie there and try to hold myself together. I get sharp pains in my hands and in my chest and I feel like my reality starts to collapse. I feel like my world can't be happy without him. Its not complete without him. The way he holds me is better than anything in this world. It calms me and makes me feel safe. It makes me happy and satisfied. I realize that I love him so much that he is apart of me now. Even if I end up marrying someone else someday, he has made me who I am today. He has shown me love that I didn't think existed. Sometimes he feels like my everything. Its hard to be away from something like that and it causes me to panic. I'm going to try to sleep again. Maybe if I focus hard on whats on my tv, I can actually sleep.

Dear Scott

Scott is such a sweetheart! He is my favorite accounting person that we've had out of the 4 so far. He is just witty and charming and just a really nice fellow to talk to. He has glasses and is balding and wears the same kind of shirt everyday but I am just okay with that :) Cause he is just an awesome dude. He is probably about MaryEllen's age. Sometimes I email him about birthday cakes when I'm not going to be there so he doesn't forget to take care of it and I thought it would be cool to copy and paste the last two that i've sent.


From: Admin
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 1:31 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: KEVIN'S CAKE

Hi Scott!
Kevin’s birthday is on a Saturday and he would like to celebrate it the Friday before (10/22/10). He would like pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream. I would imagine that they will have you buy whip cream too but I’m not sure so ask M.E. or Paula. You can buy the pie at Costco for cheap. He gets ice cream since he isn’t getting a 50 dollar cake. haha

Good luck!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™


From: Admin
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 2010 1:50 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: CAKE FRIDAY

Hey Scot!!

I think that they are going to send you to pick up Miguel’s cake on Friday since I won’t be here. I placed the order today to be ready on Friday by 1pm. It’s under my name and they have my cell phone number just incase you have problems getting the cake. I confirmed that it was the size that is 46.00$. And it should say Happy Birthday Miguel on it. Knowing what the writing on the cake is will probably help you out when you’re picking it up.

Its at the Mexico Lindo Bakery.

Address: 520 Broadway
Sutie #5 Chula Vista 91910

Its right next to block buster and right across from carls Junior.

Directions: Just incase you want these instead of looking it up. Its pretty easy.

5 South
Exit H Street
Turn left onto H street
Turn right into the plaza where carls junior is

Have fun!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™

Beaten Up

his was extremely hard to write without using vulgar words.
On saturday night I was standing in line with some of my friends to get into a club. There were two girls including me and three guys. The group in front of us was a group of some girls and guys that were letting people cut so much that we had to move back. So was I annoyed? Of course I was. So were my friends and the one other girl that was with us. The police officer wasn't an idiot. He saw the girl throw the cup onto the floor because he picked her out of her group of friends right away but when he asked who threw the cup onto the floor, the girl I was with and myself told him that we saw her put it into the floor because we were annoyed with them. The girl I was with even said some colorful words to the group of people in front of us. The drunk girl even tried to lie about putting the cup there when everyone saw. She was drunk. The girl was then fined 1000 for littering. Of course she was freaking out and her friends were trying to comfort her and they were angry at myself and the girl I was with for confirming with the officer. Then they let more and more people cut just to make us more angry.

Eventually we got in but my guy friends didn't. They had to wait in line because the club already had too many guys inside of it. So I was in the club with the girl that had come with us. It was just us two until our guy friends could get in. One of the girls that got upset with us pushed the girl I was with. That failed. Then attempt number two. One of the girls came from behind me and pushed the girl I was with again. This time I pushed her arm away so that she wouldn't hurt the girl I was with. She had had surgery on her feet and wasn't in any condition to get attacked.

When I pushed her arm away she hit my arm and a guy tried to break us up. I was only hitting back to defend myself. Then she got ahold of my hair and pulled me down. She wasn't alone and before I knew it I was on the floor being dragged by my hair. There were about 4 girls that then all attacked me at once. It seemed like forever before anyone did something about it.

They had my hair in all different directions and were ripping it out. They scratched my back and made scabs. They punched me and kicked me over and over again repeatedly. I thought about fighting back but I had no chance and I thought for sure someone would do something quickly. That wasn't the case. Everyone just spread out and watched me get beaten up mercilessly by these horrible girls that I did nothing to. After a good minute someone broke them up, I'm not sure who but I'm glad they did. And surprisingly it wasn't security that broke it up. When they let go of me I saw the girl I was with just standing there. I don't know where she was during this or why she didn't try to get help. She didn't even ask me if I was okay. I told her that I wanted to leave and she kept asking why. I wasn't paying attention because I was leaving whether she was coming with me or not.

I'd like to say that I am a tough person and that I got through this without being shaken but I wasn't. I was in complete shock that they had done this to me. I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. My friends that were outside came with me to security and we got them kicked out and then we left.

It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept having flash backs of being thrown onto the floor and beaten and kicked. I'm lucky nothing serious happened to me.

I know I'm not the only in the world who has gotten beat up and I know that people have gone through much worse. I know what its like to have flash backs of something horrible to have happened to you. If I am shaken everytime I remember what they did to me, I can't even imagine what it was like for people who have gone through worse. Especially those who have experienced the horrors of war. Going through this has made me respect them much more strongly than before. Its hard to come back to reality or to the present after something horrible has happened to you. I'm sure everyone has experienced it at different degrees at some point during their lives.

It is something that I will never forget.
Remembering something so scary and then remembering that no one helped you is even harder to accept. Instead of helping they just spread out and watched while I was being beaten. This sickens me to the point sometimes that I just want to throw up. I can't even get too much attention to the report I filed with the police because the girl hit the girl I was with first, not me. Since I touched the girl to defend the girl I was with, legally it was a mutual fight. Even though I was beat up by her and a whole group of her friends without fighting back, since I touched her first to defend the girl I was with, it was a mutual fight.

Funny thing is, the girl didn't even care. I have been calling her 'the girl that I was with' because she is not my friend. A friend would have helped me. A friend would have gone to find help of some kind. A friend would have thanked me for getting beaten up for her when she was the target. A friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have apologized for saying the things she said to the girls outside in the line since they attacked. They were more upset with her than they were with me. A friend would have felt guilty for getting me involved in something that was mostly her. Even a crappy friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. I didn't get any of this from her and so she is not my friend. It stinks to know that I got beaten up for her when she was the one that was supposed to have gotten beat up and she doesn't even care. She even went as far as to joke about it the night of when no one thought it was funny. My friends that were outside all comforted me and felt bad for me and told me that it was going to be okay and they didn't even see exactly what had happened. I'm grateful for that.

I will move on from this but I thought that I'd put my story out there. I hope that something like this doesn't happen to you.

oh SHIT!!

SO mag is PMSing right now ha. And I pulled an idiot move last night.

So I woke up and i was craving like nobody's business. I needed food in my as fast as possible. SO I got up from my bed. No food in my room okay sandals. Open the door ran to the patio. Food on the patio? YES DOMINIC'S LAME POPCORN. Checking the flavors. butter no. butterscotch no. chocolate OH SWEET MOSES YES! I paused for a half a second thinking about how much this stupid bag would cost. 10 dollars at the most. Its not a very big bag. So I ripped it open and shoved the beloved popcorn into my mouth. Heaven. For a couple of bites it was amazing. Then I just wanted normal food. So I brought the bag into the kitchen and set it on the counter so that I could pay for it later. And this morning i find the bag of popcorn with a sign on it. I see the money sign but I don't think much of it because i'm thinking ehh 10 bucks. whatevs. And I turn it around and it is

WOAH WOAH WOAH

20 BUCKS FOR THIS STUPID LITTLE BAG OF CRAPPY POPCORN? YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME?

Oh man did I screw up this time. There go mag's cravings.

Jammin

Right now I'm jammin to Marina & the Diamonds. No big surprise. No one is here to watch my dweebie dancing.

I can't get enough of her! but she is only touring in the UK :(

So sad.

I might cry myself to sleep now.

I should try to sleep now.

Goodnight!

Crap

And another thing.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.


Thats a bunch of bull crap

Sucks

Sucks to be blamed for something someone else did. To be punished for something you didn't do or didn't even know about when you were just trying to play a harmless joke.


I guess I just fucking suck.

Marina & the Diamonds

The Family Jewels is AMAZING! I love this album so much. I can't stop listening to it. 'Oh no!' was good enough for me as a one hit wonder, but then BAM she hit me with her whole album as pure gold. It has a really SICK ASS 80's twist to it. Its bad ass. And catchy. I dance to basically every single song on this freaking album. I found a new favorite.

Dear Marina,

Thank you for some amazing music. Thank you for your voice.

Love mag

ps. Where have you been my whole life?

This is my new favorite song by you.