I Guess You'll Never Understand Me

Sometimes I miss you. But that is becoming less and less for several reasons.

...since I care about you, and a part of me will always wish for goodness towards your well being. I'm becoming weary of re-explaining everything to you.

The more I check up on you, the more you're going in the wrong direction. The more I try to help, the more wrong it goes.

Firstly, I am the worst person in the world to try and help you. Your first love is surely the worst person ever to try and heal you. I keep thinking that maybe you'll be able to put that fact aside and let me help you, but I can see now that that will never happen... the more I try and the more I want it, the more I'm stopping myself from letting you go. I need to just let go. It's what's best for both of us. It's like i'm trying to fix a smudge on the wall but the more I try to fix it, the more smudges appear.

Secondly, Eddie did NOT steal me from you. It was certainly a factor that resulted in the end of our relationship but it was not the only one. We had so many problems and you are so stuborn and fixated on the fact that I developed feelings for him.

Well, let me tell you something....
If we had fixed our problems, then I wouldn't have allowed it. All logic points to me being with eddie. He came back into my life before you and I officially started dating. But I wanted you. I had already developed so much in my heart for you. I gave you everything. I'm not perfect but I did the best I could. I dont know what I have to do to convince you that I tried the best I could to keep us together. I gave us time limit after time limit. I tried talking to you. I was ALWAYS honest and loyal to you. So extremely loyal... I never cheated on you. I never lied to you. I did everything I could :'( I didn't want to break up with you.

If we didn't fight every day or disagree on everything, then we would still be together now. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but not like that. Not with the fighting and the arguing and the rollercoaster of happiness and misery that we had.

I'm not saying it's your fault either. Only that I tried. I really tried. I gave it my 100% best that I could. But we never resolved any of our problems and it only got worse.

I can't keep checking up on you. I can't keep trying to fix the mess I left behind.

This is what I want:

I want for you to be happy. I know you have healing to do. I know that it will take awhile to let someone back in. But walls is not the answer.

I want to be your friend. I only want this in the sense that you won't resent me for everything that has happened. I only want this so that someday in the future, I can see that you really are happy, and I can be happy for you. It would be nice to just talk to you and make sure that everything is okay every once and awhile.

If you want that then let me know, because I can't keep trying to make this happen when it clearly isn't working.

I really am truly sorry that I even decided to meet you to begin with. I could have saved you so much pain and misery. So much sadness. You have to believe me when I tell you that if I could change the past, that I would. To protect you from this catastrophe.

This is really long, and I hope you understand, that I am taking a huge step forward in letting you go. This is huge because I loved you. At one point I planned on spending the rest of my life with you. This is huge because it's really hard for me to do. So ridiculously hard for me to do. I still care about you but I'm going to stop worrying about you. I'm going to let it go. There has been this constant part of my brain that has been worrying about you and whether or not there is something I can do and I'm letting it go now. It doesn't mean that I don't want you to be happy, because I do. But I can't have it in my mind that its something I need to do because there is nothing I can do. We never communicated very well and I hated that we never really understood each other in any way except that we loved each other.

So this is a goodbye in a way. Because I will stop reaching out to you to try to make you happy. I'll stop trying to fix your happiness. I've done everything I can. You're on your own now. And I really hope that you find a peacefulness again. I hope you find the peacefulness that you once had before I entered your life.

And I hope you keep writing so that someday when you do find that peacefulness (because I know if you really try that you will find it again), that I can read about it like I'm checking up on an old friend that I fell out of touch with.

I wish every kind of happiness for you. I hope you don't keep going in the wrong direction.

I've done everything I can.

Wounded Closure

It's so painful. Not getting the closure that I want hurts so much.

I can see how it would be plausible if we weren't friends. I can see how it probably just wouldn't work.

But do you have to be so cruel to me?

Must you treat me like you hate me?

This is my last blog at this address because I have made another one.

Don't bother looking for it or trying to find it because its private also.

I just wanted closure.... that's all i wanted.

Of course you still love me..

And of course I'm still getting over you...

But I move on. I grow. I change.

I want you to be happy so badly but only you can decide that. Not me.

I need to stop feeling guilty for what happened between is. It hurts me so much.

I'm doing the best I can.