I miss Brandon so much. A lot of the time, I'm okay or distracted or whatever but sometimes I still feel the pain from losing something that I loved dearly. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. I've never given so much of myself to someone. It was hard to do what I did. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is still so much that I want with him.

I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.

I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.

But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.

I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.

I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.

All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.

I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.

he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.

Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.

I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.

I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.

This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.

This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.