First Night

No I'm not okay. I'm already second guessing my decision.

My body is shaking. I can barely type. I've been through this before. I can do it again.

This pain though. this pain is a reminder of what he was to me. Of what he still is to me.

A piece of me that I had to rip out.

A drug that I must refrain from taking again.

It took everything in me to not burst out crying for the last few hours in front of Catie and Eddie.

I feel like such an idiot.

I already want to go back to him.

My head is relieved that the fighting will be done with.

But my heart is already hurting. I'm struggling to keep myself together. It's taking everything that I have to not go running back to him.

I love him so much.... I've never loved anyone more than I love him....

This pain makes me feel like I can't do this.

I must be strong.

Tonight is the first night though.

I will allow it to take me tonight. I will allow the pain and heart break to take over completely. I will eventually fall asleep out of weariness of shaking and crying.

I can't type anymore. I don't want to feel anything right now..