Dear Eric

So I've been so so busy. My brain hurts. I have a super migrane and a test on thursday and tonight is the only night I have to study and do my hw cause we are sleeping over at seaworld tomorrow for camp.

I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.

I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.

Dear Eric,

I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.

Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.

I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.

I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...

I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.

I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.

I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.

I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.

I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.

I don't like it but I do.

I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.

Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.

Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.

I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.

I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.

Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.

I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.

I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.

confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.

Your friend friend,

Mag