Don't Forget

Dear Brandon,

I know that this is hard. I do know that. I know that I'm leaving soon and you've been very pessimistic on whether or not it will work when I leave and it hurts :'(

I can't say that we will last forever but I can't say that we won't but with this attitude it makes it seem extremely difficult to make it work. I'm not giving up. You know that I'm not. You know how many chances I've had to slide out of this. You know how many times I could have said goodbye.

Listen to me. I love you. I love you so much more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I'm not giving up for a long time but I need you to not give up either. Sometimes I feel like you dump your effort onto me and I have to put in the effort for the two of us. I need you to keep trying :'( I feel like you are slowly giving up. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. I know that someone could give you more than I give you and make you a million times more happy than I do, but I love you. And I'm selfish. And I still want you for myself.

But if at some point, if I can see that I cause you only pain in your life and no happiness, I will have to let you go. I love you more than anything on this earth and I want you to be happy.

When I hurt you whether it is my fault or not, I feel pain. The pain I get from hurting you is horrible. And I get this vision. I get an image of a girl somewhere who could make you happier than I could ever make you.

This girl lives closer to you and can be there whenever you need her. This girl doesn't hurt you by hanging out with her friends or going to a school far away. This girl can meet your needs much better than I can.

And as much it tears me apart to imagine you with someone else, I would endure it for you. I would go through the pain of seeing you with someone else so that you could be happy. Whether you find her in a month or in years if I let you go, I know she is out there.

You are so much more amazing than you give yourself credit for.

I know you've heard this a million times and you hate to hear it but I do make time for my friends and family. I know that it hurts you but I care about them too. I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world but I really try :'( It is more difficult to be a good girlfriend from so far away.

Please through all of this....please as I write this in tears.....know that I care about eddie. I do. He means a lot to me and he will forever be apart of my life and family. He's done so much for me and he is always there for me.

But please please don't forget that I love you.
Don't forget that my heart belongs to you.
Don't forget that I ache for you when I'm not with you.
Don't forget that you take me out of this world when I am with you.
Don't forget that your kiss brings me butterflies.
Don't forget that I love you and you have forever changed me whether we are together forever or not.

Please don't forget.

Love,
Magdalena

Perfect

Sometimes when you think things are going bad, it ends up working out perfectly in the end. I'm really glad for this.

Catie is getting much better :) I'm really really glad. When they told me that they were going to test her for HIV I was really freaking out. I love catie a lot. I need her. She's my best friend.

I ate like an old grama today. My jaw locked :( Its been locked for the past two days. It was like that when I woke up. These things usually go away with time so I should be okay in a few days. If not, I told my dad that i'd get it checked out. Also my tongue injury from biting my tongue makes it hard to eat :( Anything that puts pressure on it, makes it hurt. So when I ate lunch I ate slow and like a grama. I had to eat on one side and I had to eat in small pieces since my jaw couldn't open all the way. Lovely.

Grama Magdalena. Someday.

Maybe?

So I guess art is one of those things that I could go into if I really wanted to try. I enjoy doing it I guess but it isn't really my thing I think. I found my sketch pad though. That brought me back.

Also I was brushing my teeth and it was really hard because when I was at Jose's house on friday playing Mario, I got really into it and I bit my tongue. like REALLY hard. It hurts still kinda and I have to eat very cautiously.

Also I have been avoiding showers because our water heater is broken. So if I decide to take a shower, I feel like I'm being hit with ice. Either that or I slowly get used to it like I do at the beach but that takes FOREVER! I might have to ask my friends if I can shower at their houses like a homeless person. I feel so gross right now though. I'm going on day 4 without a shower. gah

GROSS!

Forget You!

ALSO I cannot get over this song. Gwyeneth. You are amazing. Still too bad you couldn't get your hub hub on the show ;D

ALL EDGED PAN??

I didn't even know what to make the title for this blog but I'm sure by the time I finish writing it I will figure out something.

I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm watching oprah right now and she did kind of the coolest thing ever. She filled her audience with people who have given back to their community (like to the extreme), like bunches of super volunteers and people who have done crazy charity work and such and she is giving them CRAPLOADS of free things. They are all so happy. I feel almost as lucky as they are just to see them getting something for doing something for this world. Most of them are crying haha.

I am SO glad that my period is coming to an end. I actually looked into birth control finally. I've actually been more keene about it since steph told me that it cleared up her acne. They other thing I didn't know was that if I take it, I will know exactly when I'm going to have my period. Like DEAD ON know when

WAIT WAIT OMG!!! The next thing oprah is giving away is SO GENIUS!!! I don't know WHO thought of this. OMG!! So she's right, some people just like the edge of a food dish because of the crust that forms against the pan. Omg this pan goes back and forth so that EVERYONE GETS AN EDGE! SO GENIUS! I'll post a picture. So smart. That person is a genius.

anyway so I will know exactly when I will have my period. I would kind of like that so that I dont' have to wait around wondering when its going to come. Its annoying. I also want the birth control to help with my symptoms :( I get everything guh. Bloating, acne, moody, I eat everything, my boobs hurt, I get the worst cramps ever, I get super fatigued. It just stinks so bad. So I should be getting that soon and I really hope the outcome is good. If I don't like what its doing then I'll just stop taking it.

Things are going pretty good I think. I feel good today. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should say they are going good for me in particular. Eddie has gotten kind of better and I think I believe him because we are having more fun hanging out recently. I've noticed a HUGE difference and its pretty awesome :)

Also Brandon has gotten a million times better at making me laugh too. I'm not sure whats different but he can genuinely make me crack up a lot more often than before.

To have two people close to me, become more close in ANY way, just really makes my day. I'm going to miss both of them terribly when I leave :'(

AND! If catie can keep her food down then she gets to come home today :D I am so glad that she is improving even if its just by a little.

I leave in about 39 days.

Kind of scary.

Brandon knows that I love him more than anything and visa versa, but I really hope that if we don't work out, that we could still be friends. I know that this isn't very likely because he doesn't go down without a fight. But in all seriousness I would love for us to still be okay with each other. I want to be able to check up on him every now and then and have a good chat with him about everything. I know that I can do it but i don't know if he would be up for that. Anyway, we are going to try as best we can to stay together when we go but we will see. Its so far.

But I'm ready for this. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I really am.

39 days to get ready. Lets do this.

Negative and Positive

Catie is really really sick :( I hope she'll be okay. She's throwing up and really pale. Its kind of scaring me. I love her so much, and I really hope its not an infection from her finger. She Is resting right now and has an appointment soon so thats good.

Brandon is upset with me again. I hate it when he is upset with me.
A lot of the time I take a general look at Eddie and I think that he would never get upset with me about the things that Brandon does. And sometimes I look at Eddie and think that Brandon would never do some of the things that he does. In other words, they both have their moments.

I could go really deep into the subject but at the end it would say this.
I wouldn't want either of them to change their person for anyone let alone for me. They are both close to me for being themselves.

In the end Brandon knows that I love him and Eddie is still my best friend.

So much going on. Its not fair to give the situation only a few sentences.
I don't have time to go into depth right now anyway.

On a positive note, I finally started my period so my bloatedness will go away soon. Can't wait for that.

I have to go get ready for roseanita's birthday. The end.

Goals

I have some goals set for this week. Goals of all kinds.

*SidesNote* Kanye why are you faced in an awkward position? The camera is behind you. (Gold Digger Music Video)

So anyway I just have some min goals and long term ones that I need to start on.

1. Exercise more.
2. Spend more time with the biffy (whether is in person or just talking)
3. Clean my room hardcore because I don't know who will be going through my stuff when I leave for school.
4. Try not to freak out about leaving for school. Leaving in a month and a half. Keep breathing mag.
5. Tell my family that I love them more often.
6. Sing with dominic more
7. Be more responsible.
8. Help mom More.
9. Make more home videos.
10. Spend more time with esthela
11. Pray more. I haven't had a good converstaion with God in awhile and I kind of miss him. He's given me everything that I have and some recognition every now and then isn't a lot to give.
12. Keep writing novel. I was off to a really good start.

Bam plans for today. Going to mass at 11:30 and then to the store to get stuff for lasanga and salad that we are making for today. We are all going to my Aunt Nina's house this time. I haven't been to this new place yet. Anyway, looking forward to spending time with them. This may be the second to last time I see them before I go off into the real world. My parents should rent out my room while I'm gone for some money. Anyway, I gotta go change.

ps I drank a lot last night and had a good time talking to both mike's and jose and some kid with shaggy hair named anthony. I ate rice and chicken and just had some good convos. Good times. I'm glad I don't get hangovers yay!

PEACE

Soooo Dream?

Updates Updates.... I'm bored out of my mind right now. I'll write about a dream I had about a week ago. Very weird.

I was with a group of people. I didn't know any of them and we were following someone into a dungeon. It was very deep into the castle it was in. I was wearing a black dress and a necklace made of pearls. I had strap on black shoes and I had a big white bow in my shoulder length hair. I followed along with everyone else. Everyone was dressed in dark colors, some holding onto other people. I guess some of them knew each other. They dungeons were lit with hundreds and hundreds of candles. It was a really creepy place to be in. The man that was leading us led us into a smaller dungeon also lit with candles and had us sit on wooden bleachers against the wall. I sat on the second to top bench on the edge. I was scared. The man told us that we were going to be locked away forever. But we were going to be locked away forever with one other person. We got to choose our other person based on how fast we finished making a necklace. So he gave us baskets of beads. They were very very small. They were about the size of a cookie crumb. The necklace had to be all the same color beads though. It couldn't be different beads. this would have been easy except the light was so dim because the candles didn't provide much. When he was telling us all of this I saw a man on the opposite side of the bench of my bench. He had a top hat on and was as tall as I was. He had dark brown skin and a pointy beard. He was wearing a brown plaided suit and a monocle. I have no idea why but I wanted to be paired with this man. I wanted to be stuck wherever I was going to be with that guy. I just HAD to. So when the man said go, I started making my necklace as fast as I could. I poked myself with the needle I was using but I was making good progress. I could see that he was using red beads and I was using yellow ones. He kept looking at another woman and that made me more desperate because I knew that he was going to choose to be with her if he finished before I did. So I worked faster. I worked as fast as I could. About 3/4 of the way through, I saw that he was almost done. I was working so fast that I wasn't sure if I was using all yellow beads. I held up the necklace to the candle light and I started sobbing. I was using light green ones mixed with yellow ones. They looked the same in the dimmer light where I was sitting. I would never be able to undo and redo mine in time. Then he finished. His necklace was beautiful. It was perfect and red. And he choose the woman. She was better than me in a lot of ways. Her hair was long and dark brown and her skin was smooth. Her body was amazing and her face was beautiful. I was too late and I just cried out desperately because I had failed.


Thats all I remember. I have no idea what it means. humph

Clumsy

I was running. I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. I felt empty.
I stopped at my family for a rest and I would forget that I was looking for it.
And then I would remember. And I would start running again.
I can't find it. I can't find it.
I stopped at school for a rest and then some friends. But then I would go looking again.
For years I ran trying to find it...
And then I found him, and it came with him.
He stopped me in my tracks.
I ran right into him.
It was no mistake.
He lifted up my face to see his and he wiped away my frantic tears.
Woah!, he said, slow down, I will help you.
He took my hand into his and he walked with me.
I never stopped looking at him. Not for a second.
We walked and walked for a very long time.
We stopped at my family.
We stopped at my friends.
We stopped at school and other things.
And then I realized that I wasn't looking anymore.
He was it.
He knew what I had realized and made a smile that caught my breath and made my heart beat faster.
We knew that we were it. We knew.
He tightened his grip on my hand and we kept walking.
At first it was easy. No rocks no obstacles.
There was nothing but flat paths and beautiful trees and grass to look at as we passed.
A few times he let me ride on his back and he would carry me without trouble.
It was wonderful and it was beautiful. Anyone would have been grateful to take my place or his.

And then we found small obstacles here and there.
Some tree roots to climb over or a small pond to cross.
We got used to them. It was okay.
Then people from the side saw us and gave us stares that were uncomfortable.
He protected from them but it was hard to ignore.
Sometimes people would laugh at us trying to get through some mud or trying to get through some trees.
Sometimes I cried. Not for me but for him.
He held my hand and helped me.

And then we got to a fork in the road.
One path was dangerous and dark. It wasn't pretty but it would get me to the other side.
The other path was was what we were already going through. Obstacles every now and then but it would have been okay.
I wanted to save him from the torment and from the struggle. I wanted to save him from me. I wanted to save him from pain. He would feel pain, being alone for awhile but he would be okay.

So when he wasn't looking, I broke free and ran. I ran into the path that was dangerous and lonely.
He was so devastated that I left him. He just sat there and cried.
I cried too. But I kept running. I tripped and fell and cut myself open on the ground.
I stumbled and clawed my way through darkness.
I can't go back. I can't go back.
It was always dark but I found ways to move forward.
And then the dark was too much. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I turned around and I ran back. I ran and I ran and then I saw that I hadn't gotten as far as I thought I had.
He was right there waiting for me.
He looked up and I ran into his arms.
We cried and cried never letting go of each other.
He held me and wiped away the dirt off of my face.

And then I took his hand and we walked again but this time down the other path.
It wasn't as easy as we thought.
The obstacles were bigger and harder to get around.
But we stuck together.

and that is where we are right now.

Sometimes I trip him without knowing and he trips me.
He gets bruises and scrapes because of me.
I get sprained ankles and cuts because of him.
We are stumbling through a path that had once been the easiest thing in our lives.
We are so clumsy and uncoordinated now.
But I love him.
And he loves me.
And after we trip and fall and go through the pain, we are both there to pick the other up, kiss the wounds, and keep walking.
For now its what we'll do.

I'm willing to stumble for him.
I'm willing to take the jeers and laughter that come from the side lines.
I'm willing to fight off any danger or harm that comes to him.

For now we will keep walking and see where it takes us.

Updates

Just some updates. I've been better. Not as depressed as I was last week about everything. I got some new music. Totally loving it all. So good. I can't stop listening to Bon Iver. His voice is just the most wonderful melted warm milk chocolatey voice I have every heard. Its like a lullaby.

I'm mostly over not having my wh&g job. I will miss the guys though :'( They meant a lot to me and they brightened my day. When I left most of them looked at me sadly because I was leaving, but they were happy for me because they knew I had greater plans ahead of me. Adolfo took my by the shoulders and said, "I am so heartbroken that you are leaving and that you are so sad, but listen. You are going on to do greater things than this and it won't matter in the future that this happened. You have your whole life ahead of you." It really meant a lot to hear things like that from them. I will never forget them. I'm also glad that I wasn't the only one who really couldn't stand MaryEllen.

So right now I'm just doing chores and pulling myself together. I have people who care about me and know that I would never do anything horrible or irresponsible to get fired and that keeps me going. I helped Esthela a lot today and I even bought some groceries for the family.

The biggest update right now is that Brandon and I have been test running everything for about two months. It was very rocky at first and all of the arguing isn't completely eliminated but he is trying his best to make this work. I want this to work too. I've been afraid and stressed out and worried about it. But this last week was really really good. I've seen him a few times since then and those times went well too.

I refuse to censor any of this since I never did before. We do argue about petty things sometimes. Stupid things but we get past those. The one thing that I told brandon that I would never do is stop being eddie's friend. Even though he stopped talking to me for a year, I would never do that to him. He's done too much for me and is one of my best friends. As far as I'm concerned he is apart of my family. Brandon has been having a very hard time dealing with this but he will have to deal because I am not changing my mind. I love brandon more than anything but I will not give up family.

I know I am a hypocrite and I know that I was so sure that I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I love Brandon more than he could possibly ever imagine and he's done so much for me. He is so much more different than a lot of people I know, and that's why I love him. I'm glad that we don't have a lot in common because it just makes him that much more interesting. He takes care of me and loves me more than I deserve in a lifetime. I am going to try to make this work as long as I can. I can't say it will last forever and I can't say that it won't, I can only focus on what is in the present.

And I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks because I love him and he makes me happy. He does things for me that no one else can. And thats what matters so I'm going to be selfish and take it.

I could write for ever about this. I could write about how much I love brandon and about how bad I feel because I cannot make my best friend happy when he deserves it, but It would take so long. I will write about it on and off.

I hate that no matter what I do, I can never make everyone happy. I need to be less me, then maybe people would be more happy.

Mold

My foot was molding. Because it was dipped in water.
My hand was molding. Because it was trailing the water going back and forth.
I'm sitting in a wooden chair. And it was molding because it rocks in water.
My bruises were covered in mold and were swelling up.
My vulnerability was stripped naked and started to mold. It stung.
I sat in my mold. It smelled and made me cry.
I peered over at dry land where the mold would not survive but I stayed where I was.
Sometimes I would go to a dry patch of land but water would creep up and I would start to mold again.
Staying on dry land where it is safe and mold free is hard sometimes.
But everyday I try again and try to stay as dry as possible.

Sweet Disposition

I can't get over this song children.

Fired

I've been kind of depressed lately because of getting beaten up and yesterday I got fired. I don't understand why they fired me exactly and when I asked why they didn't give me any warning, they said that when they hired me that I had the type of job where they could fire me without any notice if they wanted too. I've never faced such rejection before in my life. Okay I did text during work but so did sheena and maryellen so I shouldn't get fired for that. I shouldn't get fired for talking because sheena talked more than three times than I did. I guess this is just one of those things. I'm so heart broken that I had to say goodbye to the guys while sobbing my eyes out. I can't believe they fired me 2 months before I was going to leave anyway. I will post our emails on here later so that later when I read this, i will know exactly what happened. I'm just so sad and angry right now and sitting around with nothing to do. I think I might facepaint for tips at the beach or something. Its about 800 dollars that I lost that I could have saved for school from being fired. I have about 1700 right now. Hopefully I will be okay for the semester. We'll see. I just need to take this experience as a learning one like my mom said and be strong about it. I always forget how vulnerable I am until something happens to me and it hits me like a train. I will get past this but right now I'm still heartbroken and hurt. I just need some time I guess.

Ow Ow

I don't know where these come from. Maybe its from my stress or maybe I just think too much sometimes, but this pain is horrible. Its the worst kind of pain that anyone can have. I panic. I just lie there and try to hold myself together. I get sharp pains in my hands and in my chest and I feel like my reality starts to collapse. I feel like my world can't be happy without him. Its not complete without him. The way he holds me is better than anything in this world. It calms me and makes me feel safe. It makes me happy and satisfied. I realize that I love him so much that he is apart of me now. Even if I end up marrying someone else someday, he has made me who I am today. He has shown me love that I didn't think existed. Sometimes he feels like my everything. Its hard to be away from something like that and it causes me to panic. I'm going to try to sleep again. Maybe if I focus hard on whats on my tv, I can actually sleep.

Dear Scott

Scott is such a sweetheart! He is my favorite accounting person that we've had out of the 4 so far. He is just witty and charming and just a really nice fellow to talk to. He has glasses and is balding and wears the same kind of shirt everyday but I am just okay with that :) Cause he is just an awesome dude. He is probably about MaryEllen's age. Sometimes I email him about birthday cakes when I'm not going to be there so he doesn't forget to take care of it and I thought it would be cool to copy and paste the last two that i've sent.


From: Admin
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 1:31 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: KEVIN'S CAKE

Hi Scott!
Kevin’s birthday is on a Saturday and he would like to celebrate it the Friday before (10/22/10). He would like pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream. I would imagine that they will have you buy whip cream too but I’m not sure so ask M.E. or Paula. You can buy the pie at Costco for cheap. He gets ice cream since he isn’t getting a 50 dollar cake. haha

Good luck!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™


From: Admin
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 2010 1:50 PM
To: Accounts Payable
Subject: CAKE FRIDAY

Hey Scot!!

I think that they are going to send you to pick up Miguel’s cake on Friday since I won’t be here. I placed the order today to be ready on Friday by 1pm. It’s under my name and they have my cell phone number just incase you have problems getting the cake. I confirmed that it was the size that is 46.00$. And it should say Happy Birthday Miguel on it. Knowing what the writing on the cake is will probably help you out when you’re picking it up.

Its at the Mexico Lindo Bakery.

Address: 520 Broadway
Sutie #5 Chula Vista 91910

Its right next to block buster and right across from carls Junior.

Directions: Just incase you want these instead of looking it up. Its pretty easy.

5 South
Exit H Street
Turn left onto H street
Turn right into the plaza where carls junior is

Have fun!

Best Regards,
Magdalena Rymer

Phone: (619) 474-7400 ext. 114
Fax: (619) 474-7444
Visit our website @ www.westflex.com

“the flexible solutions company.”™

Beaten Up

his was extremely hard to write without using vulgar words.
On saturday night I was standing in line with some of my friends to get into a club. There were two girls including me and three guys. The group in front of us was a group of some girls and guys that were letting people cut so much that we had to move back. So was I annoyed? Of course I was. So were my friends and the one other girl that was with us. The police officer wasn't an idiot. He saw the girl throw the cup onto the floor because he picked her out of her group of friends right away but when he asked who threw the cup onto the floor, the girl I was with and myself told him that we saw her put it into the floor because we were annoyed with them. The girl I was with even said some colorful words to the group of people in front of us. The drunk girl even tried to lie about putting the cup there when everyone saw. She was drunk. The girl was then fined 1000 for littering. Of course she was freaking out and her friends were trying to comfort her and they were angry at myself and the girl I was with for confirming with the officer. Then they let more and more people cut just to make us more angry.

Eventually we got in but my guy friends didn't. They had to wait in line because the club already had too many guys inside of it. So I was in the club with the girl that had come with us. It was just us two until our guy friends could get in. One of the girls that got upset with us pushed the girl I was with. That failed. Then attempt number two. One of the girls came from behind me and pushed the girl I was with again. This time I pushed her arm away so that she wouldn't hurt the girl I was with. She had had surgery on her feet and wasn't in any condition to get attacked.

When I pushed her arm away she hit my arm and a guy tried to break us up. I was only hitting back to defend myself. Then she got ahold of my hair and pulled me down. She wasn't alone and before I knew it I was on the floor being dragged by my hair. There were about 4 girls that then all attacked me at once. It seemed like forever before anyone did something about it.

They had my hair in all different directions and were ripping it out. They scratched my back and made scabs. They punched me and kicked me over and over again repeatedly. I thought about fighting back but I had no chance and I thought for sure someone would do something quickly. That wasn't the case. Everyone just spread out and watched me get beaten up mercilessly by these horrible girls that I did nothing to. After a good minute someone broke them up, I'm not sure who but I'm glad they did. And surprisingly it wasn't security that broke it up. When they let go of me I saw the girl I was with just standing there. I don't know where she was during this or why she didn't try to get help. She didn't even ask me if I was okay. I told her that I wanted to leave and she kept asking why. I wasn't paying attention because I was leaving whether she was coming with me or not.

I'd like to say that I am a tough person and that I got through this without being shaken but I wasn't. I was in complete shock that they had done this to me. I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. My friends that were outside came with me to security and we got them kicked out and then we left.

It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept having flash backs of being thrown onto the floor and beaten and kicked. I'm lucky nothing serious happened to me.

I know I'm not the only in the world who has gotten beat up and I know that people have gone through much worse. I know what its like to have flash backs of something horrible to have happened to you. If I am shaken everytime I remember what they did to me, I can't even imagine what it was like for people who have gone through worse. Especially those who have experienced the horrors of war. Going through this has made me respect them much more strongly than before. Its hard to come back to reality or to the present after something horrible has happened to you. I'm sure everyone has experienced it at different degrees at some point during their lives.

It is something that I will never forget.
Remembering something so scary and then remembering that no one helped you is even harder to accept. Instead of helping they just spread out and watched while I was being beaten. This sickens me to the point sometimes that I just want to throw up. I can't even get too much attention to the report I filed with the police because the girl hit the girl I was with first, not me. Since I touched the girl to defend the girl I was with, legally it was a mutual fight. Even though I was beat up by her and a whole group of her friends without fighting back, since I touched her first to defend the girl I was with, it was a mutual fight.

Funny thing is, the girl didn't even care. I have been calling her 'the girl that I was with' because she is not my friend. A friend would have helped me. A friend would have gone to find help of some kind. A friend would have thanked me for getting beaten up for her when she was the target. A friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have apologized for saying the things she said to the girls outside in the line since they attacked. They were more upset with her than they were with me. A friend would have felt guilty for getting me involved in something that was mostly her. Even a crappy friend would have asked me if I was okay. A friend would have hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. I didn't get any of this from her and so she is not my friend. It stinks to know that I got beaten up for her when she was the one that was supposed to have gotten beat up and she doesn't even care. She even went as far as to joke about it the night of when no one thought it was funny. My friends that were outside all comforted me and felt bad for me and told me that it was going to be okay and they didn't even see exactly what had happened. I'm grateful for that.

I will move on from this but I thought that I'd put my story out there. I hope that something like this doesn't happen to you.

oh SHIT!!

SO mag is PMSing right now ha. And I pulled an idiot move last night.

So I woke up and i was craving like nobody's business. I needed food in my as fast as possible. SO I got up from my bed. No food in my room okay sandals. Open the door ran to the patio. Food on the patio? YES DOMINIC'S LAME POPCORN. Checking the flavors. butter no. butterscotch no. chocolate OH SWEET MOSES YES! I paused for a half a second thinking about how much this stupid bag would cost. 10 dollars at the most. Its not a very big bag. So I ripped it open and shoved the beloved popcorn into my mouth. Heaven. For a couple of bites it was amazing. Then I just wanted normal food. So I brought the bag into the kitchen and set it on the counter so that I could pay for it later. And this morning i find the bag of popcorn with a sign on it. I see the money sign but I don't think much of it because i'm thinking ehh 10 bucks. whatevs. And I turn it around and it is

WOAH WOAH WOAH

20 BUCKS FOR THIS STUPID LITTLE BAG OF CRAPPY POPCORN? YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME?

Oh man did I screw up this time. There go mag's cravings.

Jammin

Right now I'm jammin to Marina & the Diamonds. No big surprise. No one is here to watch my dweebie dancing.

I can't get enough of her! but she is only touring in the UK :(

So sad.

I might cry myself to sleep now.

I should try to sleep now.

Goodnight!

Crap

And another thing.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.


Thats a bunch of bull crap

Sucks

Sucks to be blamed for something someone else did. To be punished for something you didn't do or didn't even know about when you were just trying to play a harmless joke.


I guess I just fucking suck.

Marina & the Diamonds

The Family Jewels is AMAZING! I love this album so much. I can't stop listening to it. 'Oh no!' was good enough for me as a one hit wonder, but then BAM she hit me with her whole album as pure gold. It has a really SICK ASS 80's twist to it. Its bad ass. And catchy. I dance to basically every single song on this freaking album. I found a new favorite.

Dear Marina,

Thank you for some amazing music. Thank you for your voice.

Love mag

ps. Where have you been my whole life?

This is my new favorite song by you.

Oops!

I went to sleep at like 6 today hoping that i could sleep the night through and then Jason called me at like 10 to go clubbing at Rich's. I ignored the call and the text but I woke up anyway ugh. And I tried to go back to sleep but I failed at that. So here I am awake at 1:30 in the morning watching bad girls club with cat in the kitchen.

I feel really useless sometimes. I have been over eating due to current stress. Suckss. Sheena is losing a lot of weight and she is getting close to being the same weight as me. At that point I need to put my foot down and do something.


I'm always confused and frowning and debating. Conflict. Guilt. Frustration.

Tomorrow will be just as torturous if not more than today. I will have to force myself to drink some coffee. That won't be fun.

This stressss. I'm not even in school right now! Actually now that I think about it, school is way better than work. What the fuck did I do to myslef....

anyway. I miss Brandon. I have that achey feeling in my chest that is usually only fixed by his arms. I get so much peace and happiness that I get from such a simple gesture.

I don't know why it is that way. I don't understand how it works. How love works. There isn't anyway to control it at all. It just happens I guess like they say. Even when he just stared at me, I felt like I was the luckiest person alive. He looked at me like he had found the most precious thing in the universe and it was his. It didn't make sense but it was genuine.
So cliche, but his kisses took my breathe away. They were so sweet and perfect. I dream about them.

but we hardly have anything in common! How does he do it? Its like watching a magic show.

In terms of personality and taste of music and tv and interests, we have about .5% in common. And even though I never really liked too much of the same things as he did, I always wanted to know everything. I wanted to know every last detail about him.

So strange.

As strange as it may seem, it doesn't take the empty feeling I get when I'm not with him. I hate how powerful it is. I guess if the good part of loving someone is strong then so must be the pain if there is any. I panic and gasp for breathe and cry and shake when Its at its worst. I try to sleep so that I don't have to be trapped with my own torturing thoughts of my consciousness. Everytime I open my drawer I see the card I was sent as an invite to his graduation. Everytime I see it I breakdown and shut my drawer closed. Seeing him shakes me inside and out. I scream to myself inside of my mind: I should have been there. Why did I miss that. I wanted to be there so badly. Its so heart wrenching, knowing the things that I have missed out on from his life. I feel like eternity passed when I blinked. I should have been at his graduation for him. I should have been there. I remember getting the invitation in the mail.


but WHY do I love him? Why? I mean, I do have my reasons. None which make sense. But I do. Why him though. What in this universe gave him the power to hold my heart with such tenderness that it would be over devastating to take my heart away? What gave him the power to cure anything by just holding me? What gave him the power to just look at me and make me cry out of happiness? How does he hold my hand rub my fingers so perfectly that I wish they were glued together? Why did I get so nervous to see him even after seeing him a hundred times? Why can I look at him for hours at a time without wanting anything else in the world? So unfair for one person to have so much power over another. So unfair.

I have caused him so much pain. It was a miracle he kept me around for so long. I couldn't even really be there for him. I couldn't hold him whenever I wanted. I couldn't just go over after school or work to be with him. I couldn't bring him to family events or out to the store in the middle of the night with me. That caused us both pain. He gave me so much more than I ever deserved. But he made me happier than anyone in the world. He gave me the happiest moments I have ever had. Happiness that I didn't even think was possible. I have every reason to not be in love with him. We are puzzle pieces from two different puzzles. But then I have every reason to be in love with him. And when I feel that love, everything makes sense.

Ugh so much to think about. This would be about an ounce of sand in the beach of thoughts I have in my stupid little brain.

Quick One

I have a good feeling about today. Doesn't usually happen because I feel like Lord Voldie when I wake up in the morning. I have to be out of here in ten minutes but my dad is in the shower. Maybe its my music? I blast my music on my speakers when I can. They work so wonderfully.

So excited for my new music. YES!! Plus I have all of my old music which is still pretty amazing.

I bought a family sized box of rice krispies to eat at work AND I decided to give back to the fat ass community of Western Hose and Gaskets and get some candy for MaryEllen's jar. I got her some eyeballs in spirit of halloween even though its pretttyyy far away. They are chocolate eye balls with peanut butter in the middle.

Okay gonna go take a shower.


HAVE A GOOD DAY EDDIE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

Can't Escape

If I'm ugly, then no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me. (People who don't know me of course) And if I meet new people and look half decent, then they will want more than friendship. Not cool

Either way I lose. Why can't i have more friends that are girls :(


On a side note, I cannot stop listening to Marina & the Diamonds. I dance. I cry. I laugh. I think. Amazingg

i was listening to coldplay the other day and I wish I could see them live :( It would be AMAZING.

I've been using chrome and I have to say that I am not disappointed. And these damn fingernails are killing the writing mood ugh. So pretty but so much of a hastle.

hold on
one nail down. 9 to go

two down


okay i got 7 of them off.

I'm talking to anthony right now. I really like talking to him because he talks to me like a normal human being. I am one of anthony's guy friends. He tells me everything. Right now he is trying to get with this girl who has a kid. I've been trying to help him out with that haha anyway he's never heard of horchata. Not a big surprise. He is also a pig like most guys and does shrooms and weed and stuff. Anyway, when I talk to anthony I feel like a guy and it kind of makes me feel better a little. I like being a girl. Its just nice to have a break every now and then.


Gotta go run some errands. peace

Oh No!

I am super obsessed with this song. I also just got a whole shit load of new music and i am SO EXCITED to listen to it and get acquainted with it and let it into my heart and being.

Here is just a kickoff. LOVE THIS!

Dream

This is the weird one that had David in it.

Everyone was eating dinner in the basement. It was like a feast of some kind and it was snowing outside. I was sitting across from David and my cousin Tom. Tom said something really offensive and didn't feel sorry about it and so I went outside angry. It was cold in the snow but it was really pretty. The trees were purple and the night sky was a dark indigo. There were tiny little lights floating around for some reason. I was walking towards the garden and thats when David joined me and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was fine but he kept following me anyway. I was too distracted by the garden to pay any attention to what he was saying. The garden was slanted and on the side of a hill. There were bright blue flowers everywhere and a creek running down the middle. There was a bridge going over the creak and I sat on the edge of it. David sat next to me and kept telling me jokes to try to cheer me up but I wasn't listening to anything he was saying. I just laid my head on my knees and looked at everything. It was so pretty. I wish I could make the garden real.

the end

I also had a dream once where david used up all the hot water in the building at the hotel I was staying at. Loser butt.

Dream

I have two dreams to blog. This was the one I had last night.

I was at target looking at some clothes. I was looking for something sparkley to buy. I don't remember why. I picked up a belt that was made out of purple sequins. Then I saw a girl and a guy looking at some stuff too. Mostly the girl was looking and the guy was looking over her shoulder and watching. He was blonde kind of and had glasses and a retainer. He was wearing a red shirt and jeans. He looked so familiar. I walked by them to get a closer look and I realized it was Fraser. I started laughing to myself because I thought it was funny. What was he doing here?!? Then he turned around and looked at me and he knew it was me too and I started backing away. I didn't want to ruin what he and his girlfriend were doing. Then I turned around and started running. Once I was outside I started laughing at myself again and then Fraser came up behind me. "Where are you going?" he said. "Uhm, I'm going home haha". Then he offered to walk me home and I said sure. He told me that his girlfriend would meet him back where they were living at later. We took a scenic path back to my house. The trees were sooo prettyy and the path was made out of dirt. It was dark and we talked a lot. Then it started raining and we went into an abandoned house so that we wouldn't get wet. We just kept talking and I laughed at him a lot because he looked dorky with his glasses and his retainer. And then we fell asleep. He fell asleep on one side of the room and I fell asleep on the other. In the morning he walked me the rest of the way home and went back to his apartment. The end

Strange isn't it? How random people from your past creep into your dreams. Not more weird than dreaming about David though. That is really weird.

Squeamish

I don't experience shock too often but when I do, the experience is so vivid and loud. A loud memory.

My mom has skin cancer. She is going to be okay. She had surgery and everything is going to be fine. In the surgery they had to cut out the part of her leg that had the skin cancer and put some extra skin from the thy in its place.

Today just now she was walking down the hallway and sat down on the couch. As I passed by I noticed that her bandage had fallen down. She was waiting for my dad to help her fix it. Her leg was completely exposed. There was a huge gaping hole in her leg that looked like it went all the way down to her bone. I couldn't tell. It was fringed in layers of blood red skin but was dry. I could see the muscle and tissues perfectly. I could never handle being a doctor. It didn't look real but it was. I am so used to seeing it fake that seeing it real shocked me. I was completely horrified. I don't know why I'm so weak. I can never handle things like this. I went into the bathroom and shook and cried for a bit. The horror in the reality of what I saw shook the core of who I am. Not a good shaking. Its like I was falling asleep and someone poked me with a pin to wake me up. Poked me hard enough to bleed.

Time to Write

I'm really glad I have some spare time. I want to make some videos and read more books and ride my bike. I should have time to do most of this now. I also have more time to write! Which I enjoy doing immensely. I want to take a writing class when I get to Santa Cruz. I want to see how far I can go. I have so many partial stories in my mind. They deserve to be heard from.

More time to think about everything although I do not know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I think I'll re-read breaking dawn again. Beautiful book. I wish Stephenie Meyer had more books. They're so good. And amazing and beautiful!! Everything a book should be. I should read every book in my bookcase for once. I wonder if I could do it. I'll start off with the top shelf which of course has my collection of the twilight saga :)

I still miss Jamie and Ian and Jared and Jeb and the way of life they were living. I'm probably insane. How exciting :)

Missing Nothing

Ughhh. What is wrong with meee???? Now that I'm done with that book, I'm sad.... I miss them. I miss Jeb and jamie and jared and melanie. I miss Ian and Doc. But they aren't real... I actually miss fictional characters. Who does that? What kind of distorted mind do I have inside of this skull.

I miss them so much. I want to talk to them. I want to spend time with them. BUT THEY ARE NOT REAL! I can't even experience anything new with them. I can only re-read past memories. I'm so sad that I can't talk to them. That I can't just be with them.

Ugh I am so messed up in the head lately. I need a psychiatrist.

The Host

AMAZING! SUPERB! JUST AS GOOD AS TWILIGHT!!

Oh wanda and ian are cute. Jared and melanie are together but I like wanda and ian way better. so cute. So lovely. They love each other the way I love.

Thank you stephenie meyer. So good

Kyle and Ian

Kyle tried to kill me. No surprise. I got lucky and Ian found us just in time.

Has Ian fallen in love with me? He keeps a close watch on me to make sure that no one will hurt me. He brings me food when I need it and he kissed my forehead in front of Doc and Jared. Jared was of course furiously conflicted again. Doc was a little surprised too. When he kissed my forehead he said, "I'll be back soon. Don't be afraid."
What does this mean. I'm too tired to take notice to it now.



the host is SO GOOD. Can't put it down....

Chest

Ohhmygossshh My chest is killing me. I feel like hard mushy cotton had been shoved into my airways and chest. Its harder to breath and when I cough it feels like someone is scraping my lungs. Grossssss

Jared knows I'm here. But he is still conflicted.

Dweebie By Nature?

I thats the answer for me.

I woke up thinking that some jerk kid who hated me threw acid into my lungs. (I had a dream where some kid who hated me, followed me everywhere trying to kill me. He finally got to me and forced my mouth open and poured acid down my throat. Fun stuff. Interestingly enough my chest is super congested so in my dream the pain felt real. Not as bad as if it was really acid. But the pain was real. back to the story.) I half-stumbled to the car to get in to take dominic to school. (Called in sick because of my chest congestion) Then we start driving. We get onto the freeway and my car decides to swerve on its own. Not normal. I keep going though because once isn't too bad. But then it happened two more times and my car started shaking. So I pull over to the side of the freeway and I have dominic open his door to see if the tire was flat. And it was. I called my mom and I called triple AAA to come and save me. After about 20 mins the triple AAA guy gets there and the first thing he does when we both get out of the car is laugh at me.

I looked ridiculous! I didn't intend on anyone seeing me of course but it couldn't change what I was wearing. I had no shoes. I was wearing my western hose & gasket t-shirt and my paint stained Christmas tree pajama shorts. Lovely right?? I also looked like a zombie and had my hair in a sideways bun. I only cared to put it up enough to keep it out of my way. So I guess being barefoot and wearing pajamas that were in the wrong theme on the side of the free way would be something to laugh at. I just smiled back awkwardly like I meant to show up that way.

I'm not the only dweeb in the family however. My mom shows up with Catie driving to take dominic to school and she pulled over a mile away and had to reverse to where I was. It was hilarious. I had dominic take a picture of it for me. You can barely see the van from where we were because it was so far haha. By the time they finally got close enough to our car, the tow truck guy had already changed the tire and was finished with everything.

Catie had a spiderman shirt on and her purple pajama bottoms. So my family dweebie by nature? I think so :)

The Host

I forgot how good this book was. I haven't read it since I bought it years ago. I forget that its not me as the main character. I only remember that its not me when Melanie or wanderer react to things differently than how I would react. I still feel like its me. Like its all me. Stephenie Meyer is good at making her readers feel that way.

So in terms of me, I'm in a time of grave risk. I don't know when any of them might try to kill me. I'm glad Jamie is safe and still loves me. I'm glad Jared is safe and I hope he comes back safely from getting more supplies. I hope that he learns to understand what had happened to me. I can't stand to see the anger in his face and I can't stand the pain and conflict he is in constantly. Jeb is actually my friend thank goodness. I think he can see that I am still here.

I hope everything will turn out okay. Its a miracle that I am still alive now. The others are getting used to having me around. Sleeping with Jamie helps feel more relaxed. He is much more different than the last time I saw him though. Hopefully we will figure everything out.

YOU make the Chicken

I woke up at 6:30, showered, took dominic to school and then went to work and worked until 4:30.

And you want ME to make mom dinner??

YOU didn't go to work and you are pissed off at me because I asked you to make it instead?

So not fairrr to make me feel guilty for asking you to do it. So not cool :(

Some Songss

These are some songs that I have recently been obsessed with. Not in any particular order.

1. Bryn - Vampire Weekend Loveee itttttt

2. One (Blake's Got A New Face) - Vampire Weekend YA YA LOVE THIS ONE

3. Swoon - Imogen Heap I swear she and I have something in our minds that are identical. I love this woman

4. Upside Down - Paloma Faith She is too cute for words. Can't help but dance around to this song

5. Undisclosed Desires - Muse BEAUUUTIFUL. Love it mathew

6. Radio - Beyonce. I love dis ghetto bish. hahahah I love it when she says 'I think I'm in love with my radio, Cause it never lets me down' I hear you girl

7. All Black - Good Charlotte Soooo emoooo. butttttt i LOVE IT hahaha

8. Standing Next to Me - The Last Shadow Puppets. OH MY! SWOON These guys are awesome <3 I like dancing to this one too

9. Hello Seattle - Owl City Soooo cuteeeee. Love singing this one. I love the cheese this guy puts in his music. I love cheese. My cheese matches his cheese. Cheesy music yum

10. Fireflies - Owl City Love the cheese once again. I think I'm too cheesy for this world? But this guy makes me feel comfortable about it. I don't laugh at his cheese. I embrace it.

11. Dragon Queen - Yeah Yeah Yeah's This is MY JAM! So chill and jammin. Love it

12. White Demon Love Song - The Killers I don't really like the killers too much but this song is possibly one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. I really think this song is beautiful. I will carry it to my grave.

13. Clap Your Hands - Sia Love you sia. Love your voice

14. Stop Trying - Sia Just jammin to Sia again

15. New Born - So AMAZING!!! didn't expect anything less from you mathew. If humans could melt, I would melt to this song.


Ahhh I love my music. We have a very solid relationship.

Dream

Sometimes I dream about my children. I don't know who they are or what they look like but I often think about them too. I already feel like they need me. I already feel like I'm ready to raise them and give them all the love I can. But not yet. Its just strange to feel something like that.

I remembered thinking about them once while I was facepainting. A little girl came up to me and she wanted the princess crown on her face. I told her dad the price and he said that it didn't matter and he walked off a little ways and talked on his cell phone. The little girl was so happy to be getting this done. She just kept looking at me and smiling. She touched my hair and my face and when I was done she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Her dad didn't even notice. She was such a little sweet heart. I can't wait to have one of my own.

I remember my dream from last night. It was so strange. I was on a buss full of people. One of the nicer buses. We were set out to save people that were trapped in some mountains. The only people I knew on the bus were Brandon and Catie. For some reason we were the only 3 people that knew how dangerous this trip was. We knew that we might not survive it. The bus stopped at a mcdonalds so that we could all get something to eat before continuing on. It was the last stop before heading into the mountains. I only had enough money to get one meal but I knew we would need more food to last the journey we had ahead of us. Brandon distracted the cashier while Catie and I stole a whole bunch of food. For some reason they had a lot of food in the back of the fast food place. It was like a convenient store. We stole Granola bars and oreos the size of my hand and then we ran for it. We got on the bus just in time and headed out.

Eventually the bus broke down and we had to cary on by foot. We climbed hills and mountains and lots of different things. Then it started to rain. Then It started to flood. There wasn't enough safe spots for everyone and we lost people with that flood. I remember crying and watching the people who slid down the mountain trying to hold on for their lives and failing. It was horrible. Brandon covered my face so that I wouldn't have to watch. When it stopped raining we continued on. at some point we had to swim under a waterfall. Catie almost didn't make it. And I almost didn't make it because I refused to leave her behind. We lost everyone after that. No one was left but the three of us and the leader.

And then it was just me. I don't remember losing anyone or traveling with anyone. I was suddenly just there and standing in front of a cabin in the mountains. No one was answering so I went around the back and there was a guy standing there. He was hosing the garden. Then he turned around and smiled at me. I was confused because I was 100% sure I did not know who he was. He came up to me and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.
"There you are!", he said.
"what? I don't even know who you are..." I said back to him.
He looked at me with sadness like it was some kind of sick joke. He then went on to tell me that we had once fallen in love and had lived here our whole lives.
I thought he was nuts although I wasn't sure because I didn't remember anything from the past at the time. A dog even came up to me like he knew who I was. I sat on a rock and thought for awhile after he had finished explaining everything to me. Then I remembered Brandon. And I was sure that this guy was wrong. I had not fallen in love with him. I had fallen in love with brandon and I still loved him. I started to cry and he came up to embrace me but I wouldn't let him. I was sobbing and I started to run away into some woods. He didn't chase after me. As I was running and crying, branches hit me in the face and cut me as well as tore my dress. Then I woke up. I don't remember anything after that.

Dirt

I don't even knowww. I've been thinking about everything a lot and its just been stressing me out. I don't know where I am right now so I'm taking one day at a time and sometimes even that feels like too much.

My bike helps me oddly enough. I had a break down a few nights ago. I could breathe or think. I could hardly function. I got on my bike and rode to the trolley station and back. No one was driving at that time. Not after 11pm. I had the whole road to myself. The air was so cold, but it helped me come back down to reality. It wiped away my tears helped my breath come back.

I need to learn to not care what people think about me. I try so hard... and I always fail. Most of the time, I have it down. Most of the time I just don't give a fuck and I am me. I am proud of it. Most of the time.

But sometimes I completely care about what people might think of me. I don't even know why. Its not their problem. Its mine. I'm working on it.

I'm having monster cramps. Hurts so badd. I wish I didn't have work today but after tomorrow I'm not working at the zoo until the busy season in december starts up again.

Ugghh I had a dream about facepainting last night. Nay, a nightmare. Cherryl did better than I did and we were both working at the sydney booth. Wasn't my fault. I felt bad though.

Chitty chitty bang bang is on tv and I have no clue what is going on. Sooo weirddddd. I'm going to lie down for a bit before I have to go to work. Jason keeps texting me chicken jokes. (wtf??) he's sent me like 6 so far. guhhh

Parents can be irritating

Yes I had a little bicker with each of them just now which is precisely the reason I came outside back to my room. Here is how each of these bickers went.

Mom's Bicker:
"MAGDALENA!!"
"YA MOM?!"
"SOMETHING MUMMBLE MUBMLE"
"WHAT?"
"IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME THEN COME HERE!!"
I went over to her in the kitchen and stood behind her. I was facing her and she was sitting away from me facing the computer. "Yes mom?" I said.
"Do you want me to sign you up for facepainting?" she said.
"Facepainting for what?"
"For the st. pats festival." she said.
"Ohhh sure! When is it?"
"October 17 and 18" she said.
"Oh well I won't know if I can do that until two weeks before hand" I said, "Can you just sign me up for one day and if worse comes to worse, you can covver for me?" I said.
"Uhm I can work the facepaint from 1:30-3:30" she said.
"Oh Okay" I said.
"Mumble mumble paints" she said.
"what?" I said.
Let me remind you that there are two tv's that I can hear plus the fish tank and my dad talking to dominic. Plus she is facing away from me.
"Mumble to buy some of those paints" she said.
"Mom I can't hear here you" I said.
She did this exasperated noise and said, "mumble wants to buy some paints."
"What??"
Then she starts yelling, "LOOK AT ME!" Like I wasn't facing her the WHOLE TIME!! Gah.
"Mom! I am facing you! YOU are the one who isn't facing me. I can't hear you" I said.
Then she got all offended and I swear I was not yelling yet. My voice was raised because she was yelling at me but THEN she goes.
"FINE! IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO YELL AT ME!"
"MOM! I wasn't yelling at you! I couldn't hear you ugh. It sounded like you were saying 'they' and I didn't know who you meant by they."
And then she was still yelling, " I. I!!! I!! I WANT TO BUY SOME PAINTS!!!"
I just got frustrated and was over it so I said, "Its fine mom, just don't sign me up. I don't care." And I walked away. bah

Dad's bicker
I was standing a few feet away from him. No trouble hearing. He just thought I Was being a smart ass.
"Magdalena?"
"Yes dad?" I said
"I'm trying to save up ten cartons of those," he said pointing at a water bottle.
"Why dad?" I said.
"For emergency purposes." He said.
"What??? Why don't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them so we don't waste these?", I said.
He rolled his eyes and gave me this look. But I was serious! We waste so many plastic bottles.
"Because magdalena, they are GOOD for keeping for emergencies." he said.
"Well they are BAD for the earth. Why can't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them?" I said.
"Fine Magdalena, You are right about everything in the universe. We should just all do exactly what you say we should..."
And then I walked away. I don't need that crap

Jeeebs

Insta-Marriage

So Marissa and I made lists of people who we would instantly marry. (This is considering we didn't have significant others. I would be true to my love.) Anyway. So this is my list. Guys I would marry instantly without question or hesitation. Not very realistically possible but it was entertaining to think about. I did real people and the Fictional after that.

REAL PEOPLE
1. Joseph Levitt. Swoon
2. Ezra Koenig swooonie
3. James Franco
4. Tom Chaplin
5. Taylor Launter

FICTIONAL PEOPLE
1. Michael Moscovitz ahhhh swoon
2. Spencer from iCarly
3. Fred Weasley
4. Edward Cullen
5. Jacob Black

BAM
I don't remember much of marissa's

Mice

These things drive me nuts. I woke up to one on me once. But I think they are smart. I think that they have this elaborate plan to make me think that I'm crazy. I leave lovely and zesty cheese on traps around my room. But oh NO! That doesn't fool them. For days it goes untouched.....its like they know....

Well guess what? I know too...I know your plan mice. I hear you. Scurrying around on your pebble like paws. I have PROOF!! I bet you're mad that I taped up the hole that you chewed through. I won't break easily. I hear you mice. Oh yes I hear you.

Be warned! Take this message to your queen rat or whatever the freak you worship. I will defeat you. I will. This is a war that you will not win. I'M NOT CRAZY! And you cannot convince me otherwise.

To Do

Things that I Have to do:

~Finish cleaning room
~go to the bank
~Write and Mail letter
~Control Eating
~Renew LIcense
~Hang out with Best friend and say goodbye

I watched like 8 hours of tv yesterday. Honestly I thought it would be more fun than it really was. I ended up almost dying of boredom. Like on the last letter before hangman dies. I need to write more. A lot going on. A lot of plans.

hahaha I am watching the office and Michael just went up to a lady in new york who he thought was tina fey. And while he was doing that, the real conan walked by. So funny.

Okay I should start on my list. I swear to write more mag. Okay mag?

OH and by the way universe....FUCK YOU CAUSE I DID IT! A B in math with the lovely help of Rafael Oceguera, and two jobs. Not a single day off for a month and a half. I almost didn't succeed. Thank you God <3 and thank you mommy

Today

I have work today. At the worst booth.

Today is a new day though and I'm going to make the best of it. AND I promised myself I would take my diet super seriously after math and math is over. When I was dieting before it was working. Since I have stopped, I just stay the same weight. Which is GOOD because it would have been worse if I was gaining when I stopped dieting. So here we go. Time to write down everything I eat and make sure I'm burning more than I am consuming.

I hope I have a good day today. Aleks is working today! Hopefully he will stop by to visit me like he usually does when we work on the same day.

I can't wait to hear 'Let's Get Loud' and 'I got a feelin' 5 times in a row today. Plus the splash music. Fun.

But i will make today a good day!

Time to get ready for work and leave.

p.s. No it does not hurt to think about you anymore Eric :) I am very happy about this. I hope you and your girlfriend are happy together :)
I have my life to live and I am going to do my best to not let anyone bring me down.

I Want to Dream

I dream of you sometimes. I love dreaming about you.

I dream of laying with you again.

I miss that dream I had a long time ago when I was 100% sure I would spend the rest of my life with you. Everything was so beautiful. We were on our honeymoon. I woke up next to you (in my dream) in a large circular bed. It was white and unbelievable soft. I was wearing a white night gown. You were sound asleep and of course your arms were around me. I carefully slid out of your arms to look at where we were. We were in the most beautiful place I had ever seen. Right outside our sliding door was white sand and a beach. It was around 11 and the wind was blowing through our windows. Everything in the apartment we were at was white. While I was looking around you woke up. I heard you calling me. I went back to you and crawled into bed with you and got as close as I could. You kissed me and got comfortable again and fell back asleep. I just watched you smiling the whole time and touched your face. I fell asleep doing that.

It was so peaceful. So simple. So elegantly sweet. I hope my real honeymoon is the same way.

Any girl would be lucky to have you... I'm lucky someone didn't snatch you before I got the chance to fall in love with you. I hope things work out for me and for you so that both of us are happy whether we end up together or not.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight.

Dream

I walked down the movie theater isle pushing the stroller along. She was my daughter. She was sound asleep and unlike me, a very heavy sleeper. I looked at the entrances to each movie trying to decide which one I wanted to see. This was more than a movie though. These were paths of life. I had to choose one. I got a preview of what the path would start out to be and I don't remember much of the other choices except for the one that I picked. I only half chose it. I felt like I didn't have a choice but to choose it. I stood in front of the entrances preview thing with the stroller in front of me and my daughter still asleep. It was a large hole. It was dark but I could see inside the hole. This hole of an entrances was terrifying. On the inside it was night time. There were dead trees and the wind blew out of the hole. It blew my hair and my dress and made me shiver. I had a horrible feeling about choosing this one, but I had to. There were children in the hole. Standing by the trees they were beckoning and threatening me at the same time. Their eyes were holes and their skin dry and dark brown. They didn't look human, but they were children. There was a boy and a girl. They walked forward towards the entrance but they knew they could not leave the entrance. Leading straight into the hole was a dark pathway. They walked on the outside of the pathway and waited. When I did nothing, they screeched and stood there looking at me, waiting for me to go in. I couldn't bare to leave my daughter behind, but I would not bring her where I was going. I would rather she be somewhere safe for the time being. I let go of the stroller and walked forward. I was wearing a dark read dress and a black ribbon in my hair. I turned around and looked back at my daughter sleeping. Tears were flowing down my cheek. I turned around and looked once again at the path in front of me that I had to take. The wind blew and I used my hands to shield my face. It was time for me to go. I took a deep breathe and with watery eyes, I stepped inside the hole and hoped that the end of my pathway would end up better than the beginning.

I don't remember what happened after that. I wonder what it means....

Thank You

I can't count how many times I think of you during the day.
I can't count how many times I wish I could lay with you one last time.
I can't count how many times I wish you would hold me until I fell asleep.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Thank you for holding me in the pond and pulling me under the waterfall to kiss me.

Thank you for the kisses on my forehead and the tingling from my neck to my toes.

Thank you for surprising me from behind and cooking meals for us to eat.

Thank you for distracting me from math homework and making funny noises against my cheek.

I loved the color of your eyes and softness of your neck.

I loved the protection of your arms and the warmth of your body.

I loved falling asleep with you, with my hand on your face and whispering to you that I loved you.

I miss you. But thank you...

When I thought no one would ever love me the way you did, you came along. You were the exception out of my many tries and fails.

I hate paramore but this is a nice song. And it reminds me of you.

Thank you for loving me.

Still

I still miss you.

I still think about you all the time.

I still wish things could have been different.

I feel like there is some kind of glitch in my brain that made me feel the way I do about us. Who in their right mind would throw away what we had for the reasons I had? There must be something wrong with me.

I still think about you constantly and ache for your presence.

I can still feel you in the pit of my chest and in my shaking hands.

I still feel like something is missing.

I still love you.

Momma Hugs

Momma came looking for me and saw me sobbing my eyes out and having my panic attack about everything. She held me and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. That the end of the world wasn't happening.

She told me that I was tired. Which was true. Exhausted from working all day and then going to school. She managed to fix everything. She is going to lie down for a few hours and I am too and then she is going to wake up with me and help me with my math. There are some things that only mom's can fix.

I love you momma.

What If I can'tt

What if I can't do this :'(

What if trying to do two jobs and a math class was too much to ask of myself. But so many other people do it... Why can't I? :'(

What if I just fail this stupid class all over again. Then I'm just a failure at school. Maybe I'm not good enough for school either...

I have 4 hours to study for a test that is worth 240 points. I haven't had time to do anything...

I feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up. I can't do it by myself. I can't :'( I tried reading the stupid book and following the examples but that just confuses me even more... My mom tells me that she will come home and help me but really, she barely tries. She uses all of her energy on her students at school and I get the leftovers. I get the grumpy person that's been working all day long and I know what it feels like to be like that.

How come it comes so easily to everyone else? How come I'm the only one who doesn't understand right away and I've taken this class two times before... There must be something wrong with me. The guy next to me pulls everything off without even touching the homework... Its not fair :'(

I want to do amazing things as an adult. But I can't even do this. I can't even pass a normal level math class. How am I supposed to accomplish anything else.

Boy Pains

Now when I read about bella in new moon, I related to the pain she had in a way. I probably have never felt as devastated as she did but physical and emotional pain usually come hand in hand.

It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.

Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.

Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.

Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.

Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)

Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.

Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.

Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.

Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.

I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.

How life is goin Right now

I make the most of all this stress
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freaking out

It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the sane
It's like a vine you can't untangle
I'm freaking out

I'm avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise?


I just relate to these parts. Thanks for some good lyrics :)

Good Timing

I have the craziest timing. A day before Eric goes into ‘a relationship’ I have my mini goodbye eric blog. Crazy. What a perfect time to have closure for myself though. I am very happy with the timing.

I DID have my moments though. I will admit that. There were a few weeks when I was sulky all of the time because I didn’t understand why he stopped texting me everyday and stuff like that. He would always tell me how much he liked spending time with me.

Anyway. I can honestly say that I am okay with it. The only thing that bugs me is that he didn’t just tell me that he didn’t like me like that. (which is really confusing because it seemed like he did). I am emotional but I am not fragile. I can handle the truth. He should have just said so. I didn’t think he was the type to say something nice to avoid telling the truth. These were his words:

“Oh mag :) Why do you get nervous? U shouldn’t be :o its just me, plain old Eric :D”

“Oh pfff because I like you, you dork. You don’t have to like me. I just wish I could act like myself when we hang out.”

“I like you a ton! But as a friend :o I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, sorry :( Maybe in time :) I’d really like you to act like yourself.

Okay commentary. The with time thing is misleading. Here are the two possibilities.

#1. He doesn’t like me as more than a friend and he was trying to be nice instead of telling me the truth. Thanks for watching out for me but I would have rathered that he had been completely honest.

I didn’t think he was the kind of person to mislead someone so much. This leads me to possibility #2


#2. The other possibility was that he did like me but he liked someone else more and he was waiting for some kind of response from her. Red flag from her would have meant that he could fall back on me. He was obviously getting green flags though. And they made it to the finish line.


Unfortunately both possibilities are strikes for me. I wouldn’t want anyone who would lie to me about something and I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. So in a way, an ‘us’ for me and Eric is pretty much gone. I am picky with character when it comes to guys. So if in the future he decided that he wanted a chance with me, he would have to prove himself harder than he did the first time, whether he was leading me on or not.

I would much rather that he did like me but liked the other girl better but I guess I will never know.
There were so many signs. So either I am just stupid or I am just not good enough for him. Booboo haha

Just getting all of this down into concrete words is pretty nice. I have careful judgments of character for everyone in my life. Not that mine is perfect in any way shape or form. But I try. I wish I could get all the things that I thought into words like this. I could fill books and books for just one day. I think later when I have time, I will write down all the reasons why I thought he liked me. Just because I like researching this kind of thing :)

Sick at Work

Wrote this at 10 am this morning and emailed it to maiself.


Ahhhh I feel so sick right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have never been so fake happy in my life.

Reasons I cannot call in sick.

I haven’t been to here at this job for a week since yesterday and yesterday I didn’t have time to even get a good chunk of work done. I only had time to do some of the basic stuff. I owe them today and tomorrow.

Trying to have to jobs and do school is killer. I don’t know how people do it. I do know, however, what it feels like to be sick and know for a fact that you cannot skip work. I know what it feels like to have to suck it up and show up for work anyway and tell people who ask you how you are doing that you are doing good even though you feel like your body will give out any second.

I am supposed to be filing right now but I feel so miserable. I can’t even go home and sleep after this. I have math class for two hours after this then I have to go home and do hw. Tonight is the only time I have to do hw cause I have a math quiz tomorrow and I will have work so I won’t be able to do it during the day before my class. It has to be tonight.

So I have no idea what will happen with me this fall. I would LOVE to keep both jobs and have one class while I wait out the fall but we shall see. There are so many determinants.

Situation #1:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo doesn’t give it to me. I quit the zoo job and keep my hosing job cause they already will let me have the time off.

Situation #2:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo gives it to me and lets me keep a job during the fall. AWESOME! Except, this is what will happen. The two weeks that I would take off are one week apart. So I have one week off, then one week not off, then one week off.
This might cause some drama and it might make me have to quit my hosing job. I am thinking that if the zoo lets me take these two weeks off, that they will obviously schedule me during the week when I CAN work in between that.
Hosing job may not like this. And I love some of the people here at this hosing job but I would have to choose the zoo job because I like it a lot better.

I would really miss the guys here. We have some good times at lunch and at break.

Anywho. I want to get the filing done before lunch because I have so many other jobs I need to do.

Kay bai!

P.S.

SO I was painting this little kid a leopard and out of nowhere....ACHOOO!!! Sprayed all over half of my neck and my mouth and face. It was horrid. I laughed it off. But the little booger got me sick which sucks cause mag has two jobs and a math class. I can't afford to be sick and if I do get even worse than I am now, I'm gonna have to tough it up and go to work and school and put on a happy place and pretend that I am not sick.

that should be fun hahaha

Anyway.

P.S.
Eric, I decided a few things today. I really do like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff but I laid down a rule for myself. I am no longer going to initiate or put in this effort that I put into hanging out with you. Not that I don't want to hang out or anything like that, but I deserve people, even friends, that put as much effort into me as I put into them. Getting too attached would would be stupid of me. Especially when I can still do it with ease and without any pain at the present time. This may mean that I will never see you again because I know you have a lot of people to see and a lot of things to do but I'm okay with that.

I wish you luck with your endeavors and if you ever want to hang out again you know where to find me :)

Your friend mag

Dear Eric

So I've been so so busy. My brain hurts. I have a super migrane and a test on thursday and tonight is the only night I have to study and do my hw cause we are sleeping over at seaworld tomorrow for camp.

I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.

I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.

Dear Eric,

I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.

Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.

I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.

I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...

I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.

I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.

I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.

I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.

I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.

I don't like it but I do.

I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.

Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.

Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.

I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.

I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.

Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.

I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.

I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.

confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.

Your friend friend,

Mag

Dear Angela

I wish it was that easy :( I wish it was something that I could fix. This is as close to fixing it as I got.

For so many reasons, we needed this separation. And this separation will ensure a possible forever for us in the future. This is the only way to make sure it is solid if it happens.

It doesn't mean I was unsure about my love for him. I KNOW I loved him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

If this feeling that I have that my heart still belongs to him remains for these next few years to come, then I know he is the one.

It is so much more complicated than this and there is so much more. There is conflict. Guilt. Doubt. Regret but the will to move forward. Relief. Frustration. I could possibly fit every human emotion into this whole situation.

But this is the best I could do to cover it lightly.