Squeamish

I don't experience shock too often but when I do, the experience is so vivid and loud. A loud memory.

My mom has skin cancer. She is going to be okay. She had surgery and everything is going to be fine. In the surgery they had to cut out the part of her leg that had the skin cancer and put some extra skin from the thy in its place.

Today just now she was walking down the hallway and sat down on the couch. As I passed by I noticed that her bandage had fallen down. She was waiting for my dad to help her fix it. Her leg was completely exposed. There was a huge gaping hole in her leg that looked like it went all the way down to her bone. I couldn't tell. It was fringed in layers of blood red skin but was dry. I could see the muscle and tissues perfectly. I could never handle being a doctor. It didn't look real but it was. I am so used to seeing it fake that seeing it real shocked me. I was completely horrified. I don't know why I'm so weak. I can never handle things like this. I went into the bathroom and shook and cried for a bit. The horror in the reality of what I saw shook the core of who I am. Not a good shaking. Its like I was falling asleep and someone poked me with a pin to wake me up. Poked me hard enough to bleed.

Time to Write

I'm really glad I have some spare time. I want to make some videos and read more books and ride my bike. I should have time to do most of this now. I also have more time to write! Which I enjoy doing immensely. I want to take a writing class when I get to Santa Cruz. I want to see how far I can go. I have so many partial stories in my mind. They deserve to be heard from.

More time to think about everything although I do not know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I think I'll re-read breaking dawn again. Beautiful book. I wish Stephenie Meyer had more books. They're so good. And amazing and beautiful!! Everything a book should be. I should read every book in my bookcase for once. I wonder if I could do it. I'll start off with the top shelf which of course has my collection of the twilight saga :)

I still miss Jamie and Ian and Jared and Jeb and the way of life they were living. I'm probably insane. How exciting :)

Missing Nothing

Ughhh. What is wrong with meee???? Now that I'm done with that book, I'm sad.... I miss them. I miss Jeb and jamie and jared and melanie. I miss Ian and Doc. But they aren't real... I actually miss fictional characters. Who does that? What kind of distorted mind do I have inside of this skull.

I miss them so much. I want to talk to them. I want to spend time with them. BUT THEY ARE NOT REAL! I can't even experience anything new with them. I can only re-read past memories. I'm so sad that I can't talk to them. That I can't just be with them.

Ugh I am so messed up in the head lately. I need a psychiatrist.

The Host

AMAZING! SUPERB! JUST AS GOOD AS TWILIGHT!!

Oh wanda and ian are cute. Jared and melanie are together but I like wanda and ian way better. so cute. So lovely. They love each other the way I love.

Thank you stephenie meyer. So good

Kyle and Ian

Kyle tried to kill me. No surprise. I got lucky and Ian found us just in time.

Has Ian fallen in love with me? He keeps a close watch on me to make sure that no one will hurt me. He brings me food when I need it and he kissed my forehead in front of Doc and Jared. Jared was of course furiously conflicted again. Doc was a little surprised too. When he kissed my forehead he said, "I'll be back soon. Don't be afraid."
What does this mean. I'm too tired to take notice to it now.



the host is SO GOOD. Can't put it down....

Chest

Ohhmygossshh My chest is killing me. I feel like hard mushy cotton had been shoved into my airways and chest. Its harder to breath and when I cough it feels like someone is scraping my lungs. Grossssss

Jared knows I'm here. But he is still conflicted.

Dweebie By Nature?

I thats the answer for me.

I woke up thinking that some jerk kid who hated me threw acid into my lungs. (I had a dream where some kid who hated me, followed me everywhere trying to kill me. He finally got to me and forced my mouth open and poured acid down my throat. Fun stuff. Interestingly enough my chest is super congested so in my dream the pain felt real. Not as bad as if it was really acid. But the pain was real. back to the story.) I half-stumbled to the car to get in to take dominic to school. (Called in sick because of my chest congestion) Then we start driving. We get onto the freeway and my car decides to swerve on its own. Not normal. I keep going though because once isn't too bad. But then it happened two more times and my car started shaking. So I pull over to the side of the freeway and I have dominic open his door to see if the tire was flat. And it was. I called my mom and I called triple AAA to come and save me. After about 20 mins the triple AAA guy gets there and the first thing he does when we both get out of the car is laugh at me.

I looked ridiculous! I didn't intend on anyone seeing me of course but it couldn't change what I was wearing. I had no shoes. I was wearing my western hose & gasket t-shirt and my paint stained Christmas tree pajama shorts. Lovely right?? I also looked like a zombie and had my hair in a sideways bun. I only cared to put it up enough to keep it out of my way. So I guess being barefoot and wearing pajamas that were in the wrong theme on the side of the free way would be something to laugh at. I just smiled back awkwardly like I meant to show up that way.

I'm not the only dweeb in the family however. My mom shows up with Catie driving to take dominic to school and she pulled over a mile away and had to reverse to where I was. It was hilarious. I had dominic take a picture of it for me. You can barely see the van from where we were because it was so far haha. By the time they finally got close enough to our car, the tow truck guy had already changed the tire and was finished with everything.

Catie had a spiderman shirt on and her purple pajama bottoms. So my family dweebie by nature? I think so :)

The Host

I forgot how good this book was. I haven't read it since I bought it years ago. I forget that its not me as the main character. I only remember that its not me when Melanie or wanderer react to things differently than how I would react. I still feel like its me. Like its all me. Stephenie Meyer is good at making her readers feel that way.

So in terms of me, I'm in a time of grave risk. I don't know when any of them might try to kill me. I'm glad Jamie is safe and still loves me. I'm glad Jared is safe and I hope he comes back safely from getting more supplies. I hope that he learns to understand what had happened to me. I can't stand to see the anger in his face and I can't stand the pain and conflict he is in constantly. Jeb is actually my friend thank goodness. I think he can see that I am still here.

I hope everything will turn out okay. Its a miracle that I am still alive now. The others are getting used to having me around. Sleeping with Jamie helps feel more relaxed. He is much more different than the last time I saw him though. Hopefully we will figure everything out.

YOU make the Chicken

I woke up at 6:30, showered, took dominic to school and then went to work and worked until 4:30.

And you want ME to make mom dinner??

YOU didn't go to work and you are pissed off at me because I asked you to make it instead?

So not fairrr to make me feel guilty for asking you to do it. So not cool :(

Some Songss

These are some songs that I have recently been obsessed with. Not in any particular order.

1. Bryn - Vampire Weekend Loveee itttttt

2. One (Blake's Got A New Face) - Vampire Weekend YA YA LOVE THIS ONE

3. Swoon - Imogen Heap I swear she and I have something in our minds that are identical. I love this woman

4. Upside Down - Paloma Faith She is too cute for words. Can't help but dance around to this song

5. Undisclosed Desires - Muse BEAUUUTIFUL. Love it mathew

6. Radio - Beyonce. I love dis ghetto bish. hahahah I love it when she says 'I think I'm in love with my radio, Cause it never lets me down' I hear you girl

7. All Black - Good Charlotte Soooo emoooo. butttttt i LOVE IT hahaha

8. Standing Next to Me - The Last Shadow Puppets. OH MY! SWOON These guys are awesome <3 I like dancing to this one too

9. Hello Seattle - Owl City Soooo cuteeeee. Love singing this one. I love the cheese this guy puts in his music. I love cheese. My cheese matches his cheese. Cheesy music yum

10. Fireflies - Owl City Love the cheese once again. I think I'm too cheesy for this world? But this guy makes me feel comfortable about it. I don't laugh at his cheese. I embrace it.

11. Dragon Queen - Yeah Yeah Yeah's This is MY JAM! So chill and jammin. Love it

12. White Demon Love Song - The Killers I don't really like the killers too much but this song is possibly one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. I really think this song is beautiful. I will carry it to my grave.

13. Clap Your Hands - Sia Love you sia. Love your voice

14. Stop Trying - Sia Just jammin to Sia again

15. New Born - So AMAZING!!! didn't expect anything less from you mathew. If humans could melt, I would melt to this song.


Ahhh I love my music. We have a very solid relationship.

Dream

Sometimes I dream about my children. I don't know who they are or what they look like but I often think about them too. I already feel like they need me. I already feel like I'm ready to raise them and give them all the love I can. But not yet. Its just strange to feel something like that.

I remembered thinking about them once while I was facepainting. A little girl came up to me and she wanted the princess crown on her face. I told her dad the price and he said that it didn't matter and he walked off a little ways and talked on his cell phone. The little girl was so happy to be getting this done. She just kept looking at me and smiling. She touched my hair and my face and when I was done she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Her dad didn't even notice. She was such a little sweet heart. I can't wait to have one of my own.

I remember my dream from last night. It was so strange. I was on a buss full of people. One of the nicer buses. We were set out to save people that were trapped in some mountains. The only people I knew on the bus were Brandon and Catie. For some reason we were the only 3 people that knew how dangerous this trip was. We knew that we might not survive it. The bus stopped at a mcdonalds so that we could all get something to eat before continuing on. It was the last stop before heading into the mountains. I only had enough money to get one meal but I knew we would need more food to last the journey we had ahead of us. Brandon distracted the cashier while Catie and I stole a whole bunch of food. For some reason they had a lot of food in the back of the fast food place. It was like a convenient store. We stole Granola bars and oreos the size of my hand and then we ran for it. We got on the bus just in time and headed out.

Eventually the bus broke down and we had to cary on by foot. We climbed hills and mountains and lots of different things. Then it started to rain. Then It started to flood. There wasn't enough safe spots for everyone and we lost people with that flood. I remember crying and watching the people who slid down the mountain trying to hold on for their lives and failing. It was horrible. Brandon covered my face so that I wouldn't have to watch. When it stopped raining we continued on. at some point we had to swim under a waterfall. Catie almost didn't make it. And I almost didn't make it because I refused to leave her behind. We lost everyone after that. No one was left but the three of us and the leader.

And then it was just me. I don't remember losing anyone or traveling with anyone. I was suddenly just there and standing in front of a cabin in the mountains. No one was answering so I went around the back and there was a guy standing there. He was hosing the garden. Then he turned around and smiled at me. I was confused because I was 100% sure I did not know who he was. He came up to me and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.
"There you are!", he said.
"what? I don't even know who you are..." I said back to him.
He looked at me with sadness like it was some kind of sick joke. He then went on to tell me that we had once fallen in love and had lived here our whole lives.
I thought he was nuts although I wasn't sure because I didn't remember anything from the past at the time. A dog even came up to me like he knew who I was. I sat on a rock and thought for awhile after he had finished explaining everything to me. Then I remembered Brandon. And I was sure that this guy was wrong. I had not fallen in love with him. I had fallen in love with brandon and I still loved him. I started to cry and he came up to embrace me but I wouldn't let him. I was sobbing and I started to run away into some woods. He didn't chase after me. As I was running and crying, branches hit me in the face and cut me as well as tore my dress. Then I woke up. I don't remember anything after that.

Dirt

I don't even knowww. I've been thinking about everything a lot and its just been stressing me out. I don't know where I am right now so I'm taking one day at a time and sometimes even that feels like too much.

My bike helps me oddly enough. I had a break down a few nights ago. I could breathe or think. I could hardly function. I got on my bike and rode to the trolley station and back. No one was driving at that time. Not after 11pm. I had the whole road to myself. The air was so cold, but it helped me come back down to reality. It wiped away my tears helped my breath come back.

I need to learn to not care what people think about me. I try so hard... and I always fail. Most of the time, I have it down. Most of the time I just don't give a fuck and I am me. I am proud of it. Most of the time.

But sometimes I completely care about what people might think of me. I don't even know why. Its not their problem. Its mine. I'm working on it.

I'm having monster cramps. Hurts so badd. I wish I didn't have work today but after tomorrow I'm not working at the zoo until the busy season in december starts up again.

Ugghh I had a dream about facepainting last night. Nay, a nightmare. Cherryl did better than I did and we were both working at the sydney booth. Wasn't my fault. I felt bad though.

Chitty chitty bang bang is on tv and I have no clue what is going on. Sooo weirddddd. I'm going to lie down for a bit before I have to go to work. Jason keeps texting me chicken jokes. (wtf??) he's sent me like 6 so far. guhhh

Parents can be irritating

Yes I had a little bicker with each of them just now which is precisely the reason I came outside back to my room. Here is how each of these bickers went.

Mom's Bicker:
"MAGDALENA!!"
"YA MOM?!"
"SOMETHING MUMMBLE MUBMLE"
"WHAT?"
"IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME THEN COME HERE!!"
I went over to her in the kitchen and stood behind her. I was facing her and she was sitting away from me facing the computer. "Yes mom?" I said.
"Do you want me to sign you up for facepainting?" she said.
"Facepainting for what?"
"For the st. pats festival." she said.
"Ohhh sure! When is it?"
"October 17 and 18" she said.
"Oh well I won't know if I can do that until two weeks before hand" I said, "Can you just sign me up for one day and if worse comes to worse, you can covver for me?" I said.
"Uhm I can work the facepaint from 1:30-3:30" she said.
"Oh Okay" I said.
"Mumble mumble paints" she said.
"what?" I said.
Let me remind you that there are two tv's that I can hear plus the fish tank and my dad talking to dominic. Plus she is facing away from me.
"Mumble to buy some of those paints" she said.
"Mom I can't hear here you" I said.
She did this exasperated noise and said, "mumble wants to buy some paints."
"What??"
Then she starts yelling, "LOOK AT ME!" Like I wasn't facing her the WHOLE TIME!! Gah.
"Mom! I am facing you! YOU are the one who isn't facing me. I can't hear you" I said.
Then she got all offended and I swear I was not yelling yet. My voice was raised because she was yelling at me but THEN she goes.
"FINE! IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO YELL AT ME!"
"MOM! I wasn't yelling at you! I couldn't hear you ugh. It sounded like you were saying 'they' and I didn't know who you meant by they."
And then she was still yelling, " I. I!!! I!! I WANT TO BUY SOME PAINTS!!!"
I just got frustrated and was over it so I said, "Its fine mom, just don't sign me up. I don't care." And I walked away. bah

Dad's bicker
I was standing a few feet away from him. No trouble hearing. He just thought I Was being a smart ass.
"Magdalena?"
"Yes dad?" I said
"I'm trying to save up ten cartons of those," he said pointing at a water bottle.
"Why dad?" I said.
"For emergency purposes." He said.
"What??? Why don't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them so we don't waste these?", I said.
He rolled his eyes and gave me this look. But I was serious! We waste so many plastic bottles.
"Because magdalena, they are GOOD for keeping for emergencies." he said.
"Well they are BAD for the earth. Why can't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them?" I said.
"Fine Magdalena, You are right about everything in the universe. We should just all do exactly what you say we should..."
And then I walked away. I don't need that crap

Jeeebs

Insta-Marriage

So Marissa and I made lists of people who we would instantly marry. (This is considering we didn't have significant others. I would be true to my love.) Anyway. So this is my list. Guys I would marry instantly without question or hesitation. Not very realistically possible but it was entertaining to think about. I did real people and the Fictional after that.

REAL PEOPLE
1. Joseph Levitt. Swoon
2. Ezra Koenig swooonie
3. James Franco
4. Tom Chaplin
5. Taylor Launter

FICTIONAL PEOPLE
1. Michael Moscovitz ahhhh swoon
2. Spencer from iCarly
3. Fred Weasley
4. Edward Cullen
5. Jacob Black

BAM
I don't remember much of marissa's

Mice

These things drive me nuts. I woke up to one on me once. But I think they are smart. I think that they have this elaborate plan to make me think that I'm crazy. I leave lovely and zesty cheese on traps around my room. But oh NO! That doesn't fool them. For days it goes untouched.....its like they know....

Well guess what? I know too...I know your plan mice. I hear you. Scurrying around on your pebble like paws. I have PROOF!! I bet you're mad that I taped up the hole that you chewed through. I won't break easily. I hear you mice. Oh yes I hear you.

Be warned! Take this message to your queen rat or whatever the freak you worship. I will defeat you. I will. This is a war that you will not win. I'M NOT CRAZY! And you cannot convince me otherwise.

To Do

Things that I Have to do:

~Finish cleaning room
~go to the bank
~Write and Mail letter
~Control Eating
~Renew LIcense
~Hang out with Best friend and say goodbye

I watched like 8 hours of tv yesterday. Honestly I thought it would be more fun than it really was. I ended up almost dying of boredom. Like on the last letter before hangman dies. I need to write more. A lot going on. A lot of plans.

hahaha I am watching the office and Michael just went up to a lady in new york who he thought was tina fey. And while he was doing that, the real conan walked by. So funny.

Okay I should start on my list. I swear to write more mag. Okay mag?

OH and by the way universe....FUCK YOU CAUSE I DID IT! A B in math with the lovely help of Rafael Oceguera, and two jobs. Not a single day off for a month and a half. I almost didn't succeed. Thank you God <3 and thank you mommy

Today

I have work today. At the worst booth.

Today is a new day though and I'm going to make the best of it. AND I promised myself I would take my diet super seriously after math and math is over. When I was dieting before it was working. Since I have stopped, I just stay the same weight. Which is GOOD because it would have been worse if I was gaining when I stopped dieting. So here we go. Time to write down everything I eat and make sure I'm burning more than I am consuming.

I hope I have a good day today. Aleks is working today! Hopefully he will stop by to visit me like he usually does when we work on the same day.

I can't wait to hear 'Let's Get Loud' and 'I got a feelin' 5 times in a row today. Plus the splash music. Fun.

But i will make today a good day!

Time to get ready for work and leave.

p.s. No it does not hurt to think about you anymore Eric :) I am very happy about this. I hope you and your girlfriend are happy together :)
I have my life to live and I am going to do my best to not let anyone bring me down.

I Want to Dream

I dream of you sometimes. I love dreaming about you.

I dream of laying with you again.

I miss that dream I had a long time ago when I was 100% sure I would spend the rest of my life with you. Everything was so beautiful. We were on our honeymoon. I woke up next to you (in my dream) in a large circular bed. It was white and unbelievable soft. I was wearing a white night gown. You were sound asleep and of course your arms were around me. I carefully slid out of your arms to look at where we were. We were in the most beautiful place I had ever seen. Right outside our sliding door was white sand and a beach. It was around 11 and the wind was blowing through our windows. Everything in the apartment we were at was white. While I was looking around you woke up. I heard you calling me. I went back to you and crawled into bed with you and got as close as I could. You kissed me and got comfortable again and fell back asleep. I just watched you smiling the whole time and touched your face. I fell asleep doing that.

It was so peaceful. So simple. So elegantly sweet. I hope my real honeymoon is the same way.

Any girl would be lucky to have you... I'm lucky someone didn't snatch you before I got the chance to fall in love with you. I hope things work out for me and for you so that both of us are happy whether we end up together or not.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight.

Dream

I walked down the movie theater isle pushing the stroller along. She was my daughter. She was sound asleep and unlike me, a very heavy sleeper. I looked at the entrances to each movie trying to decide which one I wanted to see. This was more than a movie though. These were paths of life. I had to choose one. I got a preview of what the path would start out to be and I don't remember much of the other choices except for the one that I picked. I only half chose it. I felt like I didn't have a choice but to choose it. I stood in front of the entrances preview thing with the stroller in front of me and my daughter still asleep. It was a large hole. It was dark but I could see inside the hole. This hole of an entrances was terrifying. On the inside it was night time. There were dead trees and the wind blew out of the hole. It blew my hair and my dress and made me shiver. I had a horrible feeling about choosing this one, but I had to. There were children in the hole. Standing by the trees they were beckoning and threatening me at the same time. Their eyes were holes and their skin dry and dark brown. They didn't look human, but they were children. There was a boy and a girl. They walked forward towards the entrance but they knew they could not leave the entrance. Leading straight into the hole was a dark pathway. They walked on the outside of the pathway and waited. When I did nothing, they screeched and stood there looking at me, waiting for me to go in. I couldn't bare to leave my daughter behind, but I would not bring her where I was going. I would rather she be somewhere safe for the time being. I let go of the stroller and walked forward. I was wearing a dark read dress and a black ribbon in my hair. I turned around and looked back at my daughter sleeping. Tears were flowing down my cheek. I turned around and looked once again at the path in front of me that I had to take. The wind blew and I used my hands to shield my face. It was time for me to go. I took a deep breathe and with watery eyes, I stepped inside the hole and hoped that the end of my pathway would end up better than the beginning.

I don't remember what happened after that. I wonder what it means....

Thank You

I can't count how many times I think of you during the day.
I can't count how many times I wish I could lay with you one last time.
I can't count how many times I wish you would hold me until I fell asleep.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Thank you for holding me in the pond and pulling me under the waterfall to kiss me.

Thank you for the kisses on my forehead and the tingling from my neck to my toes.

Thank you for surprising me from behind and cooking meals for us to eat.

Thank you for distracting me from math homework and making funny noises against my cheek.

I loved the color of your eyes and softness of your neck.

I loved the protection of your arms and the warmth of your body.

I loved falling asleep with you, with my hand on your face and whispering to you that I loved you.

I miss you. But thank you...

When I thought no one would ever love me the way you did, you came along. You were the exception out of my many tries and fails.

I hate paramore but this is a nice song. And it reminds me of you.

Thank you for loving me.

Still

I still miss you.

I still think about you all the time.

I still wish things could have been different.

I feel like there is some kind of glitch in my brain that made me feel the way I do about us. Who in their right mind would throw away what we had for the reasons I had? There must be something wrong with me.

I still think about you constantly and ache for your presence.

I can still feel you in the pit of my chest and in my shaking hands.

I still feel like something is missing.

I still love you.

Momma Hugs

Momma came looking for me and saw me sobbing my eyes out and having my panic attack about everything. She held me and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. That the end of the world wasn't happening.

She told me that I was tired. Which was true. Exhausted from working all day and then going to school. She managed to fix everything. She is going to lie down for a few hours and I am too and then she is going to wake up with me and help me with my math. There are some things that only mom's can fix.

I love you momma.

What If I can'tt

What if I can't do this :'(

What if trying to do two jobs and a math class was too much to ask of myself. But so many other people do it... Why can't I? :'(

What if I just fail this stupid class all over again. Then I'm just a failure at school. Maybe I'm not good enough for school either...

I have 4 hours to study for a test that is worth 240 points. I haven't had time to do anything...

I feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up. I can't do it by myself. I can't :'( I tried reading the stupid book and following the examples but that just confuses me even more... My mom tells me that she will come home and help me but really, she barely tries. She uses all of her energy on her students at school and I get the leftovers. I get the grumpy person that's been working all day long and I know what it feels like to be like that.

How come it comes so easily to everyone else? How come I'm the only one who doesn't understand right away and I've taken this class two times before... There must be something wrong with me. The guy next to me pulls everything off without even touching the homework... Its not fair :'(

I want to do amazing things as an adult. But I can't even do this. I can't even pass a normal level math class. How am I supposed to accomplish anything else.

Boy Pains

Now when I read about bella in new moon, I related to the pain she had in a way. I probably have never felt as devastated as she did but physical and emotional pain usually come hand in hand.

It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.

Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.

Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.

Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.

Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)

Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.

Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.

Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.

Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.

I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.

How life is goin Right now

I make the most of all this stress
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freaking out

It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the sane
It's like a vine you can't untangle
I'm freaking out

I'm avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise?


I just relate to these parts. Thanks for some good lyrics :)

Good Timing

I have the craziest timing. A day before Eric goes into ‘a relationship’ I have my mini goodbye eric blog. Crazy. What a perfect time to have closure for myself though. I am very happy with the timing.

I DID have my moments though. I will admit that. There were a few weeks when I was sulky all of the time because I didn’t understand why he stopped texting me everyday and stuff like that. He would always tell me how much he liked spending time with me.

Anyway. I can honestly say that I am okay with it. The only thing that bugs me is that he didn’t just tell me that he didn’t like me like that. (which is really confusing because it seemed like he did). I am emotional but I am not fragile. I can handle the truth. He should have just said so. I didn’t think he was the type to say something nice to avoid telling the truth. These were his words:

“Oh mag :) Why do you get nervous? U shouldn’t be :o its just me, plain old Eric :D”

“Oh pfff because I like you, you dork. You don’t have to like me. I just wish I could act like myself when we hang out.”

“I like you a ton! But as a friend :o I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, sorry :( Maybe in time :) I’d really like you to act like yourself.

Okay commentary. The with time thing is misleading. Here are the two possibilities.

#1. He doesn’t like me as more than a friend and he was trying to be nice instead of telling me the truth. Thanks for watching out for me but I would have rathered that he had been completely honest.

I didn’t think he was the kind of person to mislead someone so much. This leads me to possibility #2


#2. The other possibility was that he did like me but he liked someone else more and he was waiting for some kind of response from her. Red flag from her would have meant that he could fall back on me. He was obviously getting green flags though. And they made it to the finish line.


Unfortunately both possibilities are strikes for me. I wouldn’t want anyone who would lie to me about something and I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. So in a way, an ‘us’ for me and Eric is pretty much gone. I am picky with character when it comes to guys. So if in the future he decided that he wanted a chance with me, he would have to prove himself harder than he did the first time, whether he was leading me on or not.

I would much rather that he did like me but liked the other girl better but I guess I will never know.
There were so many signs. So either I am just stupid or I am just not good enough for him. Booboo haha

Just getting all of this down into concrete words is pretty nice. I have careful judgments of character for everyone in my life. Not that mine is perfect in any way shape or form. But I try. I wish I could get all the things that I thought into words like this. I could fill books and books for just one day. I think later when I have time, I will write down all the reasons why I thought he liked me. Just because I like researching this kind of thing :)

Sick at Work

Wrote this at 10 am this morning and emailed it to maiself.


Ahhhh I feel so sick right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have never been so fake happy in my life.

Reasons I cannot call in sick.

I haven’t been to here at this job for a week since yesterday and yesterday I didn’t have time to even get a good chunk of work done. I only had time to do some of the basic stuff. I owe them today and tomorrow.

Trying to have to jobs and do school is killer. I don’t know how people do it. I do know, however, what it feels like to be sick and know for a fact that you cannot skip work. I know what it feels like to have to suck it up and show up for work anyway and tell people who ask you how you are doing that you are doing good even though you feel like your body will give out any second.

I am supposed to be filing right now but I feel so miserable. I can’t even go home and sleep after this. I have math class for two hours after this then I have to go home and do hw. Tonight is the only time I have to do hw cause I have a math quiz tomorrow and I will have work so I won’t be able to do it during the day before my class. It has to be tonight.

So I have no idea what will happen with me this fall. I would LOVE to keep both jobs and have one class while I wait out the fall but we shall see. There are so many determinants.

Situation #1:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo doesn’t give it to me. I quit the zoo job and keep my hosing job cause they already will let me have the time off.

Situation #2:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo gives it to me and lets me keep a job during the fall. AWESOME! Except, this is what will happen. The two weeks that I would take off are one week apart. So I have one week off, then one week not off, then one week off.
This might cause some drama and it might make me have to quit my hosing job. I am thinking that if the zoo lets me take these two weeks off, that they will obviously schedule me during the week when I CAN work in between that.
Hosing job may not like this. And I love some of the people here at this hosing job but I would have to choose the zoo job because I like it a lot better.

I would really miss the guys here. We have some good times at lunch and at break.

Anywho. I want to get the filing done before lunch because I have so many other jobs I need to do.

Kay bai!

P.S.

SO I was painting this little kid a leopard and out of nowhere....ACHOOO!!! Sprayed all over half of my neck and my mouth and face. It was horrid. I laughed it off. But the little booger got me sick which sucks cause mag has two jobs and a math class. I can't afford to be sick and if I do get even worse than I am now, I'm gonna have to tough it up and go to work and school and put on a happy place and pretend that I am not sick.

that should be fun hahaha

Anyway.

P.S.
Eric, I decided a few things today. I really do like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff but I laid down a rule for myself. I am no longer going to initiate or put in this effort that I put into hanging out with you. Not that I don't want to hang out or anything like that, but I deserve people, even friends, that put as much effort into me as I put into them. Getting too attached would would be stupid of me. Especially when I can still do it with ease and without any pain at the present time. This may mean that I will never see you again because I know you have a lot of people to see and a lot of things to do but I'm okay with that.

I wish you luck with your endeavors and if you ever want to hang out again you know where to find me :)

Your friend mag

Dear Eric

So I've been so so busy. My brain hurts. I have a super migrane and a test on thursday and tonight is the only night I have to study and do my hw cause we are sleeping over at seaworld tomorrow for camp.

I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.

I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.

Dear Eric,

I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.

Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.

I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.

I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...

I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.

I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.

I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.

I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.

I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.

I don't like it but I do.

I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.

Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.

Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.

I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.

I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.

Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.

I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.

I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.

confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.

Your friend friend,

Mag

Dear Angela

I wish it was that easy :( I wish it was something that I could fix. This is as close to fixing it as I got.

For so many reasons, we needed this separation. And this separation will ensure a possible forever for us in the future. This is the only way to make sure it is solid if it happens.

It doesn't mean I was unsure about my love for him. I KNOW I loved him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

If this feeling that I have that my heart still belongs to him remains for these next few years to come, then I know he is the one.

It is so much more complicated than this and there is so much more. There is conflict. Guilt. Doubt. Regret but the will to move forward. Relief. Frustration. I could possibly fit every human emotion into this whole situation.

But this is the best I could do to cover it lightly.

Glass Wall

I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall. I'm on one side. Brandon is on the other. I made the decision to place this glass wall here. I had to. Instead of looking away from the glass wall, I do everything humanly possible to press myself closer to it. I stare at him with tears streaming down my face watching his beautiful brown eyes and his soft warm skin. I reach out to touch him it but my hand hits the wall. I hit the wall in hopes that it will move. He is right in front of me. He puts his hand on the wall where mine is and looks at me sadly. I can see him looking at me. There is so much pain in his face. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. Despair. He hits the wall even harder than I did. He starts to cry hitting the wall as hard as he can. He is sobbing and using all of his strength to bring this wall down. I start panicking. I hit the wall harder and harder. He was so close. Less than an inch away. I can hear is heavy sobs but muffled by the glass. I can hardly breathe from sobbing or see through my tears. I want to fix him. I want to touch him. I want everything to be back to the way it was. I put the wall there and so there it must remain, but day after day we hit the wall and try to tear it down. Sometimes I'm okay with it being there and I strongly remember why I put it there. But some days I don't care. Some days I hate myself for putting it there and though my attempts at tearing it down are fruitless, I keep trying again and again.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I ended something that shouldn't have been ended.

I'm just as in love with him now as I was the day I met him.

Maybe no guy in the world will love me the way he does.

Maybe I should have dealt with his imperfections.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe I can't stop talking to him, because I'm the one that needs him.

Maybe I'm in more pain than he is.

Maybe, even though he is 0% compatible with my friends, it didn't matter.

Even if I decided to, I wouldn't be able to get back together with him. I've done too much damage.

I thought that this would stop happening every now and then after a little while has passed. But when this pain comes, it comes hard and its just as fresh as the first wound that I gave myself.

Brandon saw a side of me that rare few people will ever get to see. I think its something I'm good at. Loving. But how would anyone know?

I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I dislike crying myself to sleep.

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
--Unknown

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton

"... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
--Gretchen Kemp

All of these things were true about him. About us. I wonder how often that happens.

Physical

Its one thirty in the morning and I have both jobs tomorrow. I get off at 8pm at night.

I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.

We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.

A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.

The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.

I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.

The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.

The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.

The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.

Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.

God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.

I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.

He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.

Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.

One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.

He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?

I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.

Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.

He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.

I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.

This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...

ZOO JOB

WELL today was my first day at the zoo and it went really well!

I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(

First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.

Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.

Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:

PMS

So much to talk about! so little time.

Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.

My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.

Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.

I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo

ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.

Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.

Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.

I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.

I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.

I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.

Relationship

Its hard to capture in words how happy Brandon made me when we were together. No one has ever made me happier than he has and I don't think it will happen in a long time.

I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.

Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.

Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.

I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.

Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.

This pain
This conflict

I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.

We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.

If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.

But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.

This week

I'm not at all excited for this week. This week will be absolutely insane in the membrane. I can handle chaos pretty well but it doesn't mean I enjoy it.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.

Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.

Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.

Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.

CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!

Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.

Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT

Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.

I'm preeetty excited for this weekend :)

I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?

Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)

ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;

Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.

WOW Updates

So i was SOOOO freaking excited about this new blog layout thing. I think my blog looks BEAUTIFUL!!

So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.

What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.

I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.

Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.

Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)

I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.

I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.

Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)

Doing Good

I have been doing REALLY good :)

Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.

I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.

I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!

Complain

I try not to complain. I really do. But recently has been just horrible.



My ankle still hurts.

I'm breaking out like crazy right now.

I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.

I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.

Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.

My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I can't stop shoving my face with food.

And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.

yay my life is awesome.

My Subway Recipe

My posts have been a bit down lately. So I'm writing this one to lighten things up. This is my typical subway sandwhich.

Spicy Italian
Toasted
On italian bread
American cheese
lettuce
extra tomato
cucumber
bell pepper
avocado
mayo
mustard

Masterpiece!

If I got what I wished for

I sat on my bed.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.

It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.

Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.

I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.

No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.

I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.

None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.

It is not happy.

I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.

I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.

I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.

I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.

I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.

I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.

I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.

I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.

I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.

I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.

I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.

I got what I wished for.

Dear Dear

Dear iPhone,

You look so pretty right now. Don't let anyone tell you other wise ;D


Dear Summer,

I am SOO happy to see you. I am already busy with plans plans plans. I can't wait.


Dear Eric,

I really miss talking to you :'( I miss your texts too. I don't even care if we are just friends but I feel like we don't even have that anymore. I hope I'm crazy and you're right that you are just busy with school stuff. Anywho. I'll be waiting.

Dear Mr. Headache,
YOU ARE HURTING MEE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!


agmay

I've been trying to sleep for the last two hours and I feel horrible. I know I have to but sometimes I don't think I can do this. Who will ever love me like that again? How did I even get so lucky. No one has made me happier than he has. Why did I do this to us...Why do I feel like I want to solidify my feelings.

I lie there in all of this pain and anguish and wonder what I was thinking. I hate that I did what I did. Its too late. I can't change my mind. I'm such an idiot.

writing helps. I think I can sleep now. My eyes hurt

If I had known that his prom was going to be the last he held me the way he did...I would not have left.

I told him so long ago, that there was a particular song that I wanted to dance to at our wedding. He requested it at his prom. It was the last song they played. I was so breath taken that he had remembered and that they were playing it. He held me so close and told me he loved me.

We spent most of that night being close to each other and I feel asleep in his arms. I was worried that his mom would be upset that we were sleeping in the same bed so several times I tried to get up and leave to sleep somewhere else even though I wanted to stay. Everytime I got up, he pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before, and everytime I did not fight it.

Right now I would do almost anything to relive that night...

I miss Brandon so much. A lot of the time, I'm okay or distracted or whatever but sometimes I still feel the pain from losing something that I loved dearly. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. I've never given so much of myself to someone. It was hard to do what I did. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is still so much that I want with him.

I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.

I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.

But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.

I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.

I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.

All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.

I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.

he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.

Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.

I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.

I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.

This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.

This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.

I'm writing this in tears and heartache and pain but it makes me SO ANGRY.

How DARE you! How dare you assume these things about me. You don't know how much I love him and how much of myself I gave to him. I did this for both of us, not just me. I loved him with everything that I had.

I WANTED things to work out. I still do but I need to make sure its what I want because if I'm not sure, we will both suffer in the long run.

Amanda. Do NOT compare our relationship to yours. I am not you and Brandon is not steve and Brandon and I had a relationship that you and Steve will never come even close to. Brandon never physically hurt me and never went behind my back to do anything hurtful to me. I did NOT just break up with him because of the distance. Don't act like you understand why I broke up with him because you don't and you never will or you would be helping Brandon through this instead of telling him that It was my fault for everything.

I want more than anything for him to be happy. But he needs to do it the right way and I was only a temporary solution. We can't be together if doesn't see what he is for himself. His insecurity was hurting both of us and the distance made it harder.

HOW DARE you think that I am using him as a rebound. That is the last reason I broke up with him. I would never do that to ANYONE...

I want that future with him and by giving him up I am giving him that chance to see if I am really the one. He has every right to see who he wants and to see if he can find someone to make him happier than I can. He may not be able to find that soon but I want him to have that chance because I need that chance too. If I don't get him back because he found someone else then good. Because he deserves to be happy. In NO way am I keeping him in my life as a safety net.

I am keeping him in my life because I want to help him get through this. I really really want him to be happy. I know he can't do it on his own and if he hurts anywhere as near as much as I do or did by leaving him, then he needs someone.

You have no idea how much I miss his touch or his kiss. You have no idea how much I wish I could fall asleep in his arms one last time. But I had to do this. And don't you DARE assume that you know what I went through or what I am going through. I gave him everything I had and I've never loved anyone more than I loved him.

So stop.

I will never forget you. I promise.

A lot is changing. I can tell that who I am is changing too. I have had so much go through my mind lately. Its so stressful and overwhelming sometimes. I've been sleeping a lot to help. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about it.

I dreamt about him last night though. I was asleep on my bed and I woke up crying. I was too weak to open my eyes so I just laid there on my side with tears streaming down my face. I remember that I could barely move. And then he came into my room. Just like he had so many times before, he laid down next me, sliding his arm under my head and pulled me close to him. He held me and wiped my tears away and sang to me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay. That not just the drama with us, but that everything else that was bothering me would go away. I opened my eyes once and he was smiling at me and I remember seeing the color of his eyes again and remembering how beautiful they were. He had the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. Then he pulled me even closer and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying and fell asleep. But technically I woke up since it was a dream.

I miss him so much. I really do. We did have a lot of problems with the distance and everything, but I really do miss him so much. He is still a huge part of me. I can still feel where he is inside of me. I need to be strong and do this though. I thought I would be much worse off than this but I try to distract myself so that helps.

I really hate that I like Eric so much too. Its so stressful. I was so sure that he liked me too but now I'm not. I've come to a conclusion that I don't like but I'm willing to think about that instead of what I'm missing that Brandon has. Either way I think about something that hurts, only one hurts more than the other.

I'm used to the lesser hurt though. This feeling that I have, that someone that I like does not like me back is not new. I've felt this before countless times. I've been through this cycle before. Some girls let this drive them crazy I think. Only once in my life have I had feelings for someone and have them return the feelings back to me. I had to let him go for reasons that most people would not understand. Oh sure guys have liked me, but that doesn't mean that I've returned the feelings back.

I have an admiration for someone that does not feel the same way about me. Or at least I think so. I might just be crazy but I guess we'll find out.

I need to get through this math final and then I can stop stressing out about that.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to like someone and be in love with someone else at the same time? Its extremely conflict. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. The love that I cannot go back to yet if I do go back, and the likeness that I have for someone else and the guilt for feeling these both at the same time. Its so confusing. It nags at my mind all the time.

I try not to think about any of this. I really do with all of my might try but I hardly ever succeed. I just want to play some ping pong. Is that too much to ask for? I want someone to take away all feeling just for a little while. I just want to be at oblivious ease. Just for a little while. I need a break.

Its time for a change. I can feel it. Its coming fast and I'm ready to take it on.

BOYSS

poke poke poke poke poke poekpoekpeokepokepokepokepeokpeoke


awwwwweeeeeeee


pokepoekpokepeokpeokepkoe


swoooooonnnnnnnnn


@.@

hahahahahhaha :)

pokepokepoekpeokpeokpeokepok

Water Balloon

I'm okay. For now. I feel like a water balloon. I feel like that water balloon that someone put too much water in. Any slight stab or movement of the wrong kind of pressure could break me. I have to be careful.

I want to hold you so badly or be in your arms. I want to touch your face and wipe away your tears. I want to be there for you to let you know that everything is going to be okay...

Finally got at least 7 hours of sleep all together since we broke up.

I can feel where he is supposed to be in my heart and in my life, but at this very minute I'm okay. I don't feel good in any sense but I don't feel like the pain is going to rip me open right now. Lets shoot for falling asleep because I'm tired tonight, not because I'm so weary of crying.

What have I done...

Day 2

I'm so sorry that it has to be like this. I miss you. I wish I could be with you. I am such an idiot and I've made so many mistakes and put you through so much pain. I deserve what I'm feeling. I deserve to cry myself to sleep over what i've done.

Don't ever believe that I didn't love you. Don't ever believe that I did this for just me. I hate that you worried about Eric at all because I didn't have feelings for him. Yes I was attracted to him and I still am but its nothing compared to what I feel for you. I don't think it ever will be.

My head hurts and my chest aches and if I let it completely take over I start shaking. Most times I don't even know why I thought this was worth what I did. But I can't go back this time...I've already done too much damage.

I promise that I won't do anything stupid but I wish I never existed sometimes. I could leave people with a lot less pain and trouble.

I hope this gets better because this pain is unbearable. If I can get through this then I know I can get through anything. If I can live through this then I know I'll be stronger than I was before.

Until the Weather Changes

I trust the God and time will heal me and Brandon. I can't go back this time. I can't do that to him or to me. I didn't think I would feel the pain I do right now but I refuse to let it control me like it did last time. I refuse to let it crush me from the inside out. Do I love him? Of course I do. But we both need this and I need to be strong this time. I hope he understands.

I do honestly see a future with him. I see a beautiful family and a happy life. But its blurry. And I won't settle for blurry. I want it to be solid and this is the only way to find out if he is the one and to make my blurry vision of our future solid. Not a second goes by where I don't think of him. I would do anything for him. Thats why I have to do this. I have to.

Until I heal, I try to distract myself. Its like putting ice in the sun. The ice will eventually melt. It won't stay solid for long. But I will keep trying until the weather changes.

Broken

Today is the day that I broke two hearts. My only hope is that both can be repaired with time.

Tired

I am so tired. I've been so busy its insane and my marathon is less than 2 weeks away. I'm nervous but i still think I can do it. I'm tired but i have strawberries to harvest in like 20 mins. Shameful I know. I still have fun with it though. I have to do a lot of math hw but besides that I can relax in my other classes for now. I'm really mad that I studied for my anthropology test and I got a C :( Its discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I eat a lot when i'm stressed out unfortunately. At least tomorrow is friday! There are def a few things that I'm looking forward too. 1. I will get to see Brandon after 2 weeks thank goodness. I can't wait to spend time with him and be with him. I'm really really really EXCITED! I don't really get out much in terms of time for myself. My only friend really is Eddie. Catie doesn't count because I see her everyday regardless. I don't know what I'd do without the friend interaction I get from edwin. I would go insaneee. 2. Tomorrow is a FISH FRY! YAA! I'm so excited. I got thirds last time and it was amazing. Is it healthy? noooo but I don't care because its the best damn fish I have all year.

hahah I'm watching the office and Michael bought a woman's suit. Funny stuff. Anywho, I'm going to go get a snack and then harvest and hopefully fall asleep. That doesn't always go as planned but here I go!

ps I got an A on my farmville speech. crazy eh?

Miss

I miss brandon. A lot. It always gets worse the longer I don't get to see him. I see and hear about bad boyfriends constantly. And no Brandon is not perfect but he is perfect for me. He is perfect for the kind of love that I had been searching for, for years. I never thought any guy would ever love me as much as he does. I never thought that any guy would say words that he has said to me. He makes me happy. Ridiculously happy. I wish I could do every day things with him that normal couples do like grocery shopping in the frozen food aisle or coming over to have dinner or do homework. I'm always jealous of couples who can do that much together. I never get enough time with him and if i had the budget, i would go to him as often as I could. All I can do now is be thankful for him but I do miss him so much. I miss his kiss and his smile. I miss his laugh and obliviousness. I miss just watching him be him. I miss his arms and the warmth of his skin. I miss his touch and the protruding love that comes from every move he makes towards me. I miss him

Dear Mom

Dear mom,
Let me start by telling you that I love you. I love you and this family more than anything. I often times do not understand why you call me selfish when I do a lot for this family that goes unnoticed. I'm so sorry that the dishes did not get done on time. I should have done them myself when dominic decided to go to bed. It hurts so much when you call me selfish and you yell and scream at me. You make me feel like I do nothing right. I'm sorry that you had a bad day yesterday and that you had worked so long and that there were dishes in the sink when you got home. Yes I agree that I did not do my duty in making sure that they got done whether it was my turn or not. But no I do not think that it was okay that you singled me out and targeted me with all of the stress and anger that had built up in you from your long day.
It did not seem like you were ready to listen so after a few attempts I gave up. Hear me out and let me tell you how my day went.
I woke up around 6:30 and got ready for school. Dominic and I left a little over 7. I dropped him off and then drove up to my school. I ran for about an hour and then went to class. I saw your text and I felt bad that I had not read it sooner. I even apologized in my responding text. After class I drove home and had a piece of fruit for lunch, changed and went to work. They have been giving me more work because they are getting ready to change systems in a few months. After work I went to pick up catie and then ran an errand. After that we went home and i didn't have time to eat dinner. I changed and entered some cookie stuff that I needed to do and prepared for the activity that I had to do with the you ger girls that meeting. We were home for less than 40 minutes before we had to leave again. We went to pick up Tess and then jasmine. When we got there we started the meeting. We have recently added two more girls and it is extremely hard to get everyone to be quiet and give Grama their attention but I do the best I can. We then separated and I had to lead the younger girls in their patch books. They were not listening to me and I could barely keep their attention. They were noisy and started running around so after about 20 minutes I gave up. I got more cookie money and I had to coordinate with the new girls and their cookie accounts. I was already drained mentally at that time. Only catie would help me clean up and I tried my best to leave on time because we had to pick up dominic and drop off the girls before it got too late. We left and picked up dominic ans then I took jasmine and Tess home and then we got home a little after 9. I was tired and had not eaten anything since lunch but in order to make dinner I had to clean up some of the kitchen so I did. Then dad was complaining that someone hadto make you dinner and no one else would do it so I made you some extra meat from the spaghetti I was making. I also made some for dominic and catie because they were hungry. Dinner was finally done so I ate and let dominic eat before he finished the dishes. I had to enter the cookie stuff while I was eating into my computer. Dominic was still eating and I was exhausted and asked catie to make sure that dominic finshed the dishes and she said yes so I went outside to get ready for bed. I was out in my room for less than 10 minutes before dad bursted in yelling at me. I didn't understand what was going on so I went inside with him. Yes I was angry at dominic for not finishing and you were yelling at me from the second I walked in. I was already so tired from everything that I had done during the day but I started putting things away and helping you clean. I made one comment about dominic and you started screaming at me. You cussed at me. You hurt me. Yes I should have made sure they got done but all I did yesterday was give give give to everyone else. I helped Grama an went to school and work and drove people where they needed to be and you were yelling for me to get out because I was being selfish. I was so hurt. When you came out the second time you still did not want to listen and did not see that you hurt me. I did everything I could for everyone else yesterday and I did not deserved to be treated that way. I even made you dinner when no one else wanted to and I felt like you didnt even care. So yes the dishes was my fault, but you did not need to go as far as you did with the way you treated me. I love you and I try to do what I can.
-Magdalena.

Bored in math

So I downloaded the blogger app. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I've really wanted to post more blogs but my life has gotten 10 times crazier which is something I did not forsee. I need to try harder though. I get stressed out and less friendly when that happens and the people around me don't deserve to be treated badly by me at any extent because of my stress. I have two maybe three main causes of stress. Everything else branches out or are smaller things that I stress out about. Main cause hands down is cookies. 'Preposterous!,' you say. 'Inconceivable!'. Well no my friend. It's true. 8 different varieties of cookies and 9 girls selling them. I keep track of the money and the amount of cookies each girl has sold. Sounds easy eh? Not so easy. Before I started I thought it would be a breeze to be completely honest. I was not aware that the breeze was in fact a hurricane. I pray to God that all of the money and amount of cookies works out at the end. I don't hate doing it. But it is extremely chaotic. Math is almost over. Until next time and off to anthropology!


-mag