Physical

Its one thirty in the morning and I have both jobs tomorrow. I get off at 8pm at night.

I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.

We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.

A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.

The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.

I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.

The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.

The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.

The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.

Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.

God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.

I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.

He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.

Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.

One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.

He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?

I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.

Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.

He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.

I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.

This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...

ZOO JOB

WELL today was my first day at the zoo and it went really well!

I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(

First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.

Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.

Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:

PMS

So much to talk about! so little time.

Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.

My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.

Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.

I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo

ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.

Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.

Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.

I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.

I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.

I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.

Relationship

Its hard to capture in words how happy Brandon made me when we were together. No one has ever made me happier than he has and I don't think it will happen in a long time.

I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.

Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.

Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.

I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.

Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.

This pain
This conflict

I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.

We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.

If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.

But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.

This week

I'm not at all excited for this week. This week will be absolutely insane in the membrane. I can handle chaos pretty well but it doesn't mean I enjoy it.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.

Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.

Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.

Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.

CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!

Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.

Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT

Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.

I'm preeetty excited for this weekend :)

I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?

Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)

ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;

Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.

WOW Updates

So i was SOOOO freaking excited about this new blog layout thing. I think my blog looks BEAUTIFUL!!

So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.

What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.

I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.

Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.

Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)

I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.

I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.

Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)

Doing Good

I have been doing REALLY good :)

Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.

I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.

I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!

Complain

I try not to complain. I really do. But recently has been just horrible.



My ankle still hurts.

I'm breaking out like crazy right now.

I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.

I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.

Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.

My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I can't stop shoving my face with food.

And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.

yay my life is awesome.

My Subway Recipe

My posts have been a bit down lately. So I'm writing this one to lighten things up. This is my typical subway sandwhich.

Spicy Italian
Toasted
On italian bread
American cheese
lettuce
extra tomato
cucumber
bell pepper
avocado
mayo
mustard

Masterpiece!

If I got what I wished for

I sat on my bed.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.

It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.

Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.

I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.

No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.

I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.

None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.

It is not happy.

I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.

I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.

I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.

I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.

I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.

I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.

I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.

I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.

I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.

I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.

I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.

I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.

I got what I wished for.

Dear Dear

Dear iPhone,

You look so pretty right now. Don't let anyone tell you other wise ;D


Dear Summer,

I am SOO happy to see you. I am already busy with plans plans plans. I can't wait.


Dear Eric,

I really miss talking to you :'( I miss your texts too. I don't even care if we are just friends but I feel like we don't even have that anymore. I hope I'm crazy and you're right that you are just busy with school stuff. Anywho. I'll be waiting.

Dear Mr. Headache,
YOU ARE HURTING MEE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!


agmay

I've been trying to sleep for the last two hours and I feel horrible. I know I have to but sometimes I don't think I can do this. Who will ever love me like that again? How did I even get so lucky. No one has made me happier than he has. Why did I do this to us...Why do I feel like I want to solidify my feelings.

I lie there in all of this pain and anguish and wonder what I was thinking. I hate that I did what I did. Its too late. I can't change my mind. I'm such an idiot.

writing helps. I think I can sleep now. My eyes hurt

If I had known that his prom was going to be the last he held me the way he did...I would not have left.

I told him so long ago, that there was a particular song that I wanted to dance to at our wedding. He requested it at his prom. It was the last song they played. I was so breath taken that he had remembered and that they were playing it. He held me so close and told me he loved me.

We spent most of that night being close to each other and I feel asleep in his arms. I was worried that his mom would be upset that we were sleeping in the same bed so several times I tried to get up and leave to sleep somewhere else even though I wanted to stay. Everytime I got up, he pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before, and everytime I did not fight it.

Right now I would do almost anything to relive that night...

I miss Brandon so much. A lot of the time, I'm okay or distracted or whatever but sometimes I still feel the pain from losing something that I loved dearly. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. I've never given so much of myself to someone. It was hard to do what I did. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is still so much that I want with him.

I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.

I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.

But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.

I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.

I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.

All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.

I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.

he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.

Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.

I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.

I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.

This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.

This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.

I'm writing this in tears and heartache and pain but it makes me SO ANGRY.

How DARE you! How dare you assume these things about me. You don't know how much I love him and how much of myself I gave to him. I did this for both of us, not just me. I loved him with everything that I had.

I WANTED things to work out. I still do but I need to make sure its what I want because if I'm not sure, we will both suffer in the long run.

Amanda. Do NOT compare our relationship to yours. I am not you and Brandon is not steve and Brandon and I had a relationship that you and Steve will never come even close to. Brandon never physically hurt me and never went behind my back to do anything hurtful to me. I did NOT just break up with him because of the distance. Don't act like you understand why I broke up with him because you don't and you never will or you would be helping Brandon through this instead of telling him that It was my fault for everything.

I want more than anything for him to be happy. But he needs to do it the right way and I was only a temporary solution. We can't be together if doesn't see what he is for himself. His insecurity was hurting both of us and the distance made it harder.

HOW DARE you think that I am using him as a rebound. That is the last reason I broke up with him. I would never do that to ANYONE...

I want that future with him and by giving him up I am giving him that chance to see if I am really the one. He has every right to see who he wants and to see if he can find someone to make him happier than I can. He may not be able to find that soon but I want him to have that chance because I need that chance too. If I don't get him back because he found someone else then good. Because he deserves to be happy. In NO way am I keeping him in my life as a safety net.

I am keeping him in my life because I want to help him get through this. I really really want him to be happy. I know he can't do it on his own and if he hurts anywhere as near as much as I do or did by leaving him, then he needs someone.

You have no idea how much I miss his touch or his kiss. You have no idea how much I wish I could fall asleep in his arms one last time. But I had to do this. And don't you DARE assume that you know what I went through or what I am going through. I gave him everything I had and I've never loved anyone more than I loved him.

So stop.

I will never forget you. I promise.

A lot is changing. I can tell that who I am is changing too. I have had so much go through my mind lately. Its so stressful and overwhelming sometimes. I've been sleeping a lot to help. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about it.

I dreamt about him last night though. I was asleep on my bed and I woke up crying. I was too weak to open my eyes so I just laid there on my side with tears streaming down my face. I remember that I could barely move. And then he came into my room. Just like he had so many times before, he laid down next me, sliding his arm under my head and pulled me close to him. He held me and wiped my tears away and sang to me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay. That not just the drama with us, but that everything else that was bothering me would go away. I opened my eyes once and he was smiling at me and I remember seeing the color of his eyes again and remembering how beautiful they were. He had the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. Then he pulled me even closer and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying and fell asleep. But technically I woke up since it was a dream.

I miss him so much. I really do. We did have a lot of problems with the distance and everything, but I really do miss him so much. He is still a huge part of me. I can still feel where he is inside of me. I need to be strong and do this though. I thought I would be much worse off than this but I try to distract myself so that helps.

I really hate that I like Eric so much too. Its so stressful. I was so sure that he liked me too but now I'm not. I've come to a conclusion that I don't like but I'm willing to think about that instead of what I'm missing that Brandon has. Either way I think about something that hurts, only one hurts more than the other.

I'm used to the lesser hurt though. This feeling that I have, that someone that I like does not like me back is not new. I've felt this before countless times. I've been through this cycle before. Some girls let this drive them crazy I think. Only once in my life have I had feelings for someone and have them return the feelings back to me. I had to let him go for reasons that most people would not understand. Oh sure guys have liked me, but that doesn't mean that I've returned the feelings back.

I have an admiration for someone that does not feel the same way about me. Or at least I think so. I might just be crazy but I guess we'll find out.

I need to get through this math final and then I can stop stressing out about that.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to like someone and be in love with someone else at the same time? Its extremely conflict. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. The love that I cannot go back to yet if I do go back, and the likeness that I have for someone else and the guilt for feeling these both at the same time. Its so confusing. It nags at my mind all the time.

I try not to think about any of this. I really do with all of my might try but I hardly ever succeed. I just want to play some ping pong. Is that too much to ask for? I want someone to take away all feeling just for a little while. I just want to be at oblivious ease. Just for a little while. I need a break.

Its time for a change. I can feel it. Its coming fast and I'm ready to take it on.

BOYSS

poke poke poke poke poke poekpoekpeokepokepokepokepeokpeoke


awwwwweeeeeeee


pokepoekpokepeokpeokepkoe


swoooooonnnnnnnnn


@.@

hahahahahhaha :)

pokepokepoekpeokpeokpeokepok

Water Balloon

I'm okay. For now. I feel like a water balloon. I feel like that water balloon that someone put too much water in. Any slight stab or movement of the wrong kind of pressure could break me. I have to be careful.

I want to hold you so badly or be in your arms. I want to touch your face and wipe away your tears. I want to be there for you to let you know that everything is going to be okay...

Finally got at least 7 hours of sleep all together since we broke up.

I can feel where he is supposed to be in my heart and in my life, but at this very minute I'm okay. I don't feel good in any sense but I don't feel like the pain is going to rip me open right now. Lets shoot for falling asleep because I'm tired tonight, not because I'm so weary of crying.

What have I done...

Day 2

I'm so sorry that it has to be like this. I miss you. I wish I could be with you. I am such an idiot and I've made so many mistakes and put you through so much pain. I deserve what I'm feeling. I deserve to cry myself to sleep over what i've done.

Don't ever believe that I didn't love you. Don't ever believe that I did this for just me. I hate that you worried about Eric at all because I didn't have feelings for him. Yes I was attracted to him and I still am but its nothing compared to what I feel for you. I don't think it ever will be.

My head hurts and my chest aches and if I let it completely take over I start shaking. Most times I don't even know why I thought this was worth what I did. But I can't go back this time...I've already done too much damage.

I promise that I won't do anything stupid but I wish I never existed sometimes. I could leave people with a lot less pain and trouble.

I hope this gets better because this pain is unbearable. If I can get through this then I know I can get through anything. If I can live through this then I know I'll be stronger than I was before.

Until the Weather Changes

I trust the God and time will heal me and Brandon. I can't go back this time. I can't do that to him or to me. I didn't think I would feel the pain I do right now but I refuse to let it control me like it did last time. I refuse to let it crush me from the inside out. Do I love him? Of course I do. But we both need this and I need to be strong this time. I hope he understands.

I do honestly see a future with him. I see a beautiful family and a happy life. But its blurry. And I won't settle for blurry. I want it to be solid and this is the only way to find out if he is the one and to make my blurry vision of our future solid. Not a second goes by where I don't think of him. I would do anything for him. Thats why I have to do this. I have to.

Until I heal, I try to distract myself. Its like putting ice in the sun. The ice will eventually melt. It won't stay solid for long. But I will keep trying until the weather changes.

Broken

Today is the day that I broke two hearts. My only hope is that both can be repaired with time.

Tired

I am so tired. I've been so busy its insane and my marathon is less than 2 weeks away. I'm nervous but i still think I can do it. I'm tired but i have strawberries to harvest in like 20 mins. Shameful I know. I still have fun with it though. I have to do a lot of math hw but besides that I can relax in my other classes for now. I'm really mad that I studied for my anthropology test and I got a C :( Its discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I eat a lot when i'm stressed out unfortunately. At least tomorrow is friday! There are def a few things that I'm looking forward too. 1. I will get to see Brandon after 2 weeks thank goodness. I can't wait to spend time with him and be with him. I'm really really really EXCITED! I don't really get out much in terms of time for myself. My only friend really is Eddie. Catie doesn't count because I see her everyday regardless. I don't know what I'd do without the friend interaction I get from edwin. I would go insaneee. 2. Tomorrow is a FISH FRY! YAA! I'm so excited. I got thirds last time and it was amazing. Is it healthy? noooo but I don't care because its the best damn fish I have all year.

hahah I'm watching the office and Michael bought a woman's suit. Funny stuff. Anywho, I'm going to go get a snack and then harvest and hopefully fall asleep. That doesn't always go as planned but here I go!

ps I got an A on my farmville speech. crazy eh?

Miss

I miss brandon. A lot. It always gets worse the longer I don't get to see him. I see and hear about bad boyfriends constantly. And no Brandon is not perfect but he is perfect for me. He is perfect for the kind of love that I had been searching for, for years. I never thought any guy would ever love me as much as he does. I never thought that any guy would say words that he has said to me. He makes me happy. Ridiculously happy. I wish I could do every day things with him that normal couples do like grocery shopping in the frozen food aisle or coming over to have dinner or do homework. I'm always jealous of couples who can do that much together. I never get enough time with him and if i had the budget, i would go to him as often as I could. All I can do now is be thankful for him but I do miss him so much. I miss his kiss and his smile. I miss his laugh and obliviousness. I miss just watching him be him. I miss his arms and the warmth of his skin. I miss his touch and the protruding love that comes from every move he makes towards me. I miss him

Dear Mom

Dear mom,
Let me start by telling you that I love you. I love you and this family more than anything. I often times do not understand why you call me selfish when I do a lot for this family that goes unnoticed. I'm so sorry that the dishes did not get done on time. I should have done them myself when dominic decided to go to bed. It hurts so much when you call me selfish and you yell and scream at me. You make me feel like I do nothing right. I'm sorry that you had a bad day yesterday and that you had worked so long and that there were dishes in the sink when you got home. Yes I agree that I did not do my duty in making sure that they got done whether it was my turn or not. But no I do not think that it was okay that you singled me out and targeted me with all of the stress and anger that had built up in you from your long day.
It did not seem like you were ready to listen so after a few attempts I gave up. Hear me out and let me tell you how my day went.
I woke up around 6:30 and got ready for school. Dominic and I left a little over 7. I dropped him off and then drove up to my school. I ran for about an hour and then went to class. I saw your text and I felt bad that I had not read it sooner. I even apologized in my responding text. After class I drove home and had a piece of fruit for lunch, changed and went to work. They have been giving me more work because they are getting ready to change systems in a few months. After work I went to pick up catie and then ran an errand. After that we went home and i didn't have time to eat dinner. I changed and entered some cookie stuff that I needed to do and prepared for the activity that I had to do with the you ger girls that meeting. We were home for less than 40 minutes before we had to leave again. We went to pick up Tess and then jasmine. When we got there we started the meeting. We have recently added two more girls and it is extremely hard to get everyone to be quiet and give Grama their attention but I do the best I can. We then separated and I had to lead the younger girls in their patch books. They were not listening to me and I could barely keep their attention. They were noisy and started running around so after about 20 minutes I gave up. I got more cookie money and I had to coordinate with the new girls and their cookie accounts. I was already drained mentally at that time. Only catie would help me clean up and I tried my best to leave on time because we had to pick up dominic and drop off the girls before it got too late. We left and picked up dominic ans then I took jasmine and Tess home and then we got home a little after 9. I was tired and had not eaten anything since lunch but in order to make dinner I had to clean up some of the kitchen so I did. Then dad was complaining that someone hadto make you dinner and no one else would do it so I made you some extra meat from the spaghetti I was making. I also made some for dominic and catie because they were hungry. Dinner was finally done so I ate and let dominic eat before he finished the dishes. I had to enter the cookie stuff while I was eating into my computer. Dominic was still eating and I was exhausted and asked catie to make sure that dominic finshed the dishes and she said yes so I went outside to get ready for bed. I was out in my room for less than 10 minutes before dad bursted in yelling at me. I didn't understand what was going on so I went inside with him. Yes I was angry at dominic for not finishing and you were yelling at me from the second I walked in. I was already so tired from everything that I had done during the day but I started putting things away and helping you clean. I made one comment about dominic and you started screaming at me. You cussed at me. You hurt me. Yes I should have made sure they got done but all I did yesterday was give give give to everyone else. I helped Grama an went to school and work and drove people where they needed to be and you were yelling for me to get out because I was being selfish. I was so hurt. When you came out the second time you still did not want to listen and did not see that you hurt me. I did everything I could for everyone else yesterday and I did not deserved to be treated that way. I even made you dinner when no one else wanted to and I felt like you didnt even care. So yes the dishes was my fault, but you did not need to go as far as you did with the way you treated me. I love you and I try to do what I can.
-Magdalena.

Bored in math

So I downloaded the blogger app. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I've really wanted to post more blogs but my life has gotten 10 times crazier which is something I did not forsee. I need to try harder though. I get stressed out and less friendly when that happens and the people around me don't deserve to be treated badly by me at any extent because of my stress. I have two maybe three main causes of stress. Everything else branches out or are smaller things that I stress out about. Main cause hands down is cookies. 'Preposterous!,' you say. 'Inconceivable!'. Well no my friend. It's true. 8 different varieties of cookies and 9 girls selling them. I keep track of the money and the amount of cookies each girl has sold. Sounds easy eh? Not so easy. Before I started I thought it would be a breeze to be completely honest. I was not aware that the breeze was in fact a hurricane. I pray to God that all of the money and amount of cookies works out at the end. I don't hate doing it. But it is extremely chaotic. Math is almost over. Until next time and off to anthropology!


-mag

Judge the punkers?

The table in front of me has all of the punkers at it. I swear that every single guy out of the 4 guys have their hair long enough to put into a pony. Tsk. Big tsk. Rarely does the pony work for a guy. Personally I don't even think fabio pulls is off. He looks gross. And he's a manwhore.
All of the guys are wearing black shirts too and one of them has grr from invader zim on it. Surprised? hahahahahah Of course you weren't. Thy are playing some weirdo card game. The guy with the gir shirt was one of my mom's students. I don't think he did a very good job.

My hands are freezing.

Talk to the Mexican Girl?

Things are good right now. For now. We shall see. I need to commit to this. I love writing but I get to lazy to start. A lot of the time I experience things that are happening and I write a blog about it in my head. I should take notes of these experiences. I always forget.

Right now I'm in the student union and I just had a small carton of milk and a bag of hot cheetos. I'm saving my appetite for later because esthela is going to make her foooood. yummmmm. Most amazing food in the world.

I don't like sitting here alone with no one to talk to. I often times just stare around at everyone else. There is a girl sitting here at this table with me and she is doodling on her notebook. She must be bored too. I'm afraid that if i start talking to her that a few problems might arise:

A) What if she doesn't speak english? My spanish is horrible and that would end pretty awkward.

B) She doesn't seem interested. She wealthy. She has a designer handbag and really nice earrings on. She also managed to make her hair look perfect. I'm also pretty sure that the jacket she is wearing is leather. REAL leather. Not that fako plastic leather that hooker's wear.

C) She is hunched over. She is doing that thing where the person hunches over. Her bangs are covering her face. She seems perfectly content in the world she is in right now. I wonder what she is thinking about.

So I won't bother her I guess. I wouldn't want awkward vibes to start shooting off if it went wrong. I needed to write a new blog anyway. Most people at this school are like she is. Rich and mexican. Or asian I guess.

Peace out.

So she could be nice yes but I don't know. I would rather sit here in our own worlds I guess.

Updates!

Sooo lots and lots of updates. Good news and bad news.

I am a third of the way through my Christmas vacation. Bad news: I did not pass my Chemistry class. Good news: Humboldt State University has accepted me =)

I was worried that no school would want me after my D in Chem but in my letter of acceptance they said all I had to do was pass all of my spring classes with a C and have no lower than a 2.0 by the end of the year. I'm good. At least I don't have to worry about having to stay in San Diego for school. I've had an AMAZING break so far. I will try to cover everything I have done at some point.

Today is my boyfriend's birthday and he deserves the world but wanted nothing. I don't understand him sometimes but I love him with all of my heart.

I'm also being very spoiled. I've been getting a lot of time with him which will go down drastically when school starts again.
peace out

Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez

Updates first! School - driving me nuts. Need to study for my life. Family- Going good. Still kinda crazy but still there. Friends- good good good Love life - amazing as always. I got to spend saturday with him and he always puts me in a good mood for awhile. Health- SICK SICK SICK bleh I am getting better though. I can do this!

I wouldn't call myself obsessed with celebrities but I have a good sense of who most people are and such. I focus on the good stuff though. Anyway, I have created a fondness for Selena Gomez. I even had a dream where we were best friends and got an apartment together. It was AWESOMEE!! She is sooo funnnyy. And she is adorable! Too bad we can't be like sisters or something. Anyway, I recored Princess Protection Program which was sooo cuuteee. But! It has Demi Lovato in it and I kind of didn't like her to begin with for no reason whatsoever. Since selena was in the movie, I was forced to give Demi a chance. And she can't replace selena but she is actually pretty cool! Her laugh is SOOO funnnyyy hahahaha. I'm so jealous of their best friend-ness. They are both really awesome though. I have Catie and she is AMAZING! Marissa is an awesome girl best friend too and I wouldn't trade her for anything! I have guy best friends too but girl best friends are different. They provide this atmosphere that only girls can provide. Good stuff! Here is a picture of them. I know they are both ridiculously gorgeous so don't drool

Won a Bet

I won a bet so now I get 10 blogs from my boyfriend within the next 2 weeks! =)

On the other hand. He is going to win this next one. yargh

One Year

So I didn't think any guy would ever put up with me or not get sick of me after a while year, but it happened =) It was nice and simple and still special. We had to do hw for a few hours unfortunately but he had an arm around me the whole time. That was extremely comforting. We went to the house where he has to water and watered the plants and cuddled and snuggled and stuffs. Then we went grocery shopping together because we were going to make dinner and desert together. I really love the simple cheesy stuff like grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping with Brandon. We bought some stuff we needed for dinner and we bought the desert stuff too. We went back to his house and I made dinner while he made chocolate covered strawberries which were DELICIOUS might I add. He put some on my nose a few times. Adorable. He gives me butterflies that make me happy. Then we set the table for dinner. LOTS of candles. It looked really nice =) And it was really pretty being able to see his pool too. His back yard looks very nice. We ate dinner and took pictures. I love how he'll kiss me whenever he feels like it. First thing in the morning when we got to fall asleep and wake up together he kissed me. When my mouth is full of food, he will kiss me. Its the cutest thing ever. We ate dinner and talked. A very nice dinner. After we cleaned up, we went back the the house he waters to have more alone time. We held each other and listened to music. I'm so grateful for the things he's done for me and for the way he makes me feel. He loves me with everything that he is and does whatever he can for me. He opened the gift I made for him which was a heart that I sewed and stuffed for him and a cd that I customized for him, which is the picture provided =) Then we went back to his house and we ate frozen chocolate covered strawberries. Yumm. The hard part was saying goodbye. I start crying most of the time. Its so hard to get into the car and leave the person you're in love with. It's so hard to walk away from someone who makes you out of this world happy. Its hard to walk away from the guy who thinks that you are the most beautiful thing in the world. When I'm with brandon I'm so happy. I feel like I don't have a care in the world. He makes me the center of his universe and it overwhelms me with love for him. He takes care of me and he is there for me when I need him. He loves me regardless of what I look like or how strange I am. I didn't think anyone would love me like he does and it was a miracle that God gave him to me. I love him with all of my heart and it only gets stronger. We have our weak points but they are nothing compared to what we get from each other in return. Whether we stay together forever or not, I wouldn't trade the times we've spent together for anything.

Chicken Fajitas

This is for dinner tonight! Yes, that is a picture of the chicken fajitas that i'm making. Yes the food I cook won't kill anyone. My tastebuds are excited. On the side we are having mexican rice!

All I Ask of You

I'm pretty sappy. I love and take in any romance. It can't get any more sappy than this but I really love this song. Its so beautiful and true. When I get married, this is how I should feel about my husband. This is how we should feel about each other. Its so mushy but oh so beauuuutifull. This song is so soothing and peaceful. It makes me feel happy. Lyrics first then video.



Raoul:
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you - my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Christine:
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you...

Raoul:
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe:
No-one will find you -
your fears are far behind you...

Christine:
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night...
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me...

Raoul:
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
let me lead you from your solitude....
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too -
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

Christine:
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...

Raoul & Christine:
Share each day with me,
each night,
each morning...

Christine:
Say you love me...

Raoul:
You know I do...

Raul & Christine:
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

Anywhere you go let me go too...
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

Phantom:
I gave you my music...
made your song take wing...
and now how you've repaid me:
denied me and betrayed me...
He was bound to love you when he heard you sing...

Christine...
Christine...

Raoul & Christine:
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me, each night, each morning...

Bead Dream

So every night when either Brandon or I get too tired to stay online anymore we call each other and talk until we fall asleep. Some nights I might fall asleep before i get a chance to call him or visa versa. The other night while we were talking, I started falling asleep and I did for a few mins. I know I was dreaming because I was doing my math homework and I saw silver beads. On my paper I had been doing the square roots of silver beads and in the middle of the beads were pink sphere things. I was confused and then I heard talking and it was brandon. I came back from my dream and remembered that i was still in my room and talking to Brandon. I like falling asleep to the sound of him sleeping or the sound of his voice. Its soothing for me. It's probably because I love him but the sound of his voice sends me one way or the other. It depends on which angle my mind decides to look at it from. Most days it just makes me ridiculously happy. The sound of his voice makes me smile and really improves my day a lot of the time. But sometimes it just backfires. Sometimes I hear his voice and my chest starts aching. Sometimes when I hear his voice I imagine the way his face would look when he says certain things or when he laughs. It makes me miss even more than I already do and I start to cry. It goes both ways but when it goes the wrong way his voice is there to make me feel better. Some nights when I cry because I miss him he'll make sure he is awake until I feel better. I didn't think any guy in the world would ever do for me the things he does and for that I love him.

Storm Dream

I had a really strange dream again. Surprised? Didn't think so. I was in an upstairs apartment. It was marissa's apartment. This was an extra weird dream because marissa had to be watched at all times. It was for her own good apparently. She had an obsession with sex toys. She didn't use them. But she was obsessed with collecting them. She had to be watched and we had to search her apartment to make sure she didn't buy any new ones. I went into her bedroom while she was in the kitchen making us some dinner. I don't know who was with me. Another girl. A friend I suppose. She went looking somewhere else while i was in marissa's bedroom. I looked in her dresser which looked exactly like my mom's. It was weird. I dug deep into it and found a toy. I looked closer at it and was relieved because it was a dog toy. Yay! We ate dinner and watched tv and then we had to go somewhere. I don't know why. It was kind of like a golfcart truck except that there was no cover. I got into the trunk and as she started to drive away down the drive way there was a dog tied up in front of the downstairs apartment. Its neck was so weird and it was nudging its head against the pole. Its neck craned over like a bird. I dont' know why. It was adorable though. I called it and it ran up to the truck as it was driving away and hopped into the back with me. I said to marissa, "I'm going to steal this dog." And as i started changing its collar she said, "It likes to nudge its head against the pole like that. I don't know why." Then all of a sudden we were stuck in a store. All of the walls were glass so we could see outside. We were stuck in a furniture store. It started to rain. A storm was starting. I stood at the glass wall and put my hands on it and water started leaking under the walls. I started to panic. Then me and other people got onto some mattresses and I don't know if they can float in real life but they started to float. Eddie was on the same mattress as me with a lot of other people. We were all starting to panic because water kept coming in and in and the storm was getting worse. I yelled at eddie to break the glass on the wall and he looked at me like i was crazy and he said, "Break the glass?" and i said, "YES eddie break the glass!!" He did it and we all floated out. It was really weird. We all got off the mattress and looked up and saw a big hole in the sky and the storm was coming out of the hole. It was the weirdest thing i've ever seen. And thats it.

Rant

This is me ranting. I can't say anything around my mom without her thinking I'm giving her an attitude or trying to be smart recently. She goes on and on about how our family is in a financial crisis and that I need to find a job to help support the family. Like its a responsibility of mine. I'm trying. I really am.

BULL CRAPPPPPP about being in a financial crisis. IF we were in such a financial crisis then WHY did you buy the new mac this summer?? Its well over a few thousand dollars. You and dad make over 100,000 a YEARRRRR. IN ONE YEAR!!! Thats roughly 8-9,000 dollars a MONTH. Where does it all gooo?!??!?! I'Ll tell you where it goes. My mom! She DOES work hard. I understand. But for her to spend all of the money that she gets to the point where she THINKS we are in a financial crisis and then come complaining to ME about how i need to get a job and help out doesn't seem reasonable. Why can't I tell her any of this? Because she will kick me out. And i really really hate to say it but I can't afford to move out on so many levels. UGHHH!!!

Also!!! Explain to me how its fair that you spent around 500 dollars on catie this last weekend for her homecoming stuff and you are telling me that we are in a financial crisis?!?! what the hell mom! AND If you can spend that much on catie without her even asking, then how come when I have 25 dollars to spare I can't go and visit my boyfriend that I haven't seen in over a month? I spent an our and a half with him yesterday and I had to sneak it because you won't let me go. Even if i have the money to see him I can't go until I find a job. How is that fucking fair??? I can't use MY OWN money to go see my boyfriend and you are spending 500 dollars on her homecoming and you are telling me that we are in a fucking financial crisis. I hate asking you guys for money. I really do. Because then I owe you guys something.

Oh btw I just spent 2 and a half hours cooking this dinner for the family and judith. Especially for judith becuase I know she's vegetarian. And you call me to tell me that you can't make it for dinner because you are going to get catie's nails done. And you go out and buy food instead. I made really good potatoes =( and I made pumpkin bread and vegetables....and you aren't going to eat it and you won't let me be with my boyfriend who I'm miserable without and you make me feel bad for everything I do like i'm useless. I'm just the outlet child. I can handle your crap so you give it all to me. Its not fair! I do more for this family than you think and I can never argue back because you're already right even before I begin talking.
I hate this!

Most of the time I just deal with your crap. But it hurts. This kind of thing hurts sometimes. I really hate going to girl scouts but I go anyway. To help grama and help supervise the girls and give rides to three other girls..

Where's the thanks

Cooking!

So about a year ago I started cooking dinner for the family a lot of the time. I did everything I knew how to make and I quickly ran out of different meals to make! I didn't want to bore my family with the same meals over and over again and so I started to experiment and test out new things here and there. I've learned a few things by doing so.

1.) I really do enjoy cooking. I may not pursue it or anything but I really enjoy it.
2.) I'm not half bad at cooking. I have been making some pretty kick ass meals =) It makes me pretty excited. There are a few things I've learned how to cook pretty well too.
3.) I will always like what we have for dinner because you tend to have a certain fondness for the things you create. Don't know why. I think its apart of being human.

So! There you have it. And today is a little special because I'm going to try something new today! HOMEMADE cheesy scalloped potatoes =) I LOVE scalloped potatoes! I've made them from the box but today is a new day and I'm going to make them from scratch today! Wish me luck.

Dream

I had another weirdo dream. I was at OLP for a science camp. Pff. And there were about 50-100 people in the class. Some people from st. pius were there too. I sat in the back of the classroom and our first assignment was to make our own water squishy. Those ones where you hold it and it will slide right out of your hand because it inverts into itself like a black hole and it just keeps going and going. I couldn't find a picture. I will try later. Anyway, we had to design our own and the teacher liked mine the best because I put lots of colors in mine and everyone else just put blue and one other color. Mine was kinda big for some reason too. So class was over after we turned in the squishies. The teacher in return gave us scrolls. They were important for some reason. I put mine in my drawer under my desk and locked it with a key I had. I went outside then and i drove my big black USV around to circle drive. Rachel Equia and Natalie augilera were standing there washing another car. They came up to me after I got out of the car and said, "You look different." And I said, "Ya I do." They both said it like three more times when all of a sudden stephanie tumbaga and agnes and some other random girls ran up to me and said, "Where are the scrolls????!!!" They needed them for some kind of contest. And I said, "I put mine in my drawer. Did you check there?" And then they ran off to find the scrolls. Then i was in front of an apartment complex for some reason. I was wearing my olp uniform and I walked past one side of it looking up. And jack johnson was on the second level playing his guitar with some people. He looked down at me and smiled and said, "Come here!!" And i was so excited and I couldn't believe that he wanted me to go up to him. So I started running toward the stairs but they were on the other side of the complex. Catie was with me then. She ran with my and when we got upstairs, the second floor was WAY bigger than we thought it was. It was MASSIVE. There were wearhouses all over the place. And I said, "Catie we HAVE to get to the other side of the complex.." And she said, "I KNOW! We can do this!" So we ran through big gray rooms and back around some rooms. Its hard to explain what these rooms looked like. Then Catie had to go to the bathroom. So we ran into a guard and we asked him where the bathrooms were. He said they were around the corner and so we ran to the bathrooms and the bathroom was HUGEEE!! It was like as big as a department store and there were rows and rows of stalls. It was so weird. I decided I would go while we were there. When she finished, we ran some more and we got to this HUGE tent. It was bright pink and some how fit on the little sidewalk in front of the apartment. We went in and Jack Johnson was sitting at a table singing some stuff and hanging out with a lotta people. He had saved me and catie a spot and we sat next to him and he said, "Hi! You made it! How are youu?" And we talked for awhile and i couldn't believe I was meeting him even though I don't listen to too much of his music. I said, "I have a friend who is a HUGE fan of yours." and he said, "Oh really? Invite him over!" And I callled eddie and invited him over and he got over really fast and I gave up my seat so that he could talk to Jack. He started crying! hahahahha. And they talked for a bit and then all of a sudden I was looking out my wooden doors connecting to the patio and Jack johnson pulled up in front of my house in eddie's car. Weird. The End.

I wish I knew what my dreams meant...

Chem test Monday

So this is me procrastinating on studying for my chemistry test. I'm so drained. Not much to say i guess. I really need something to cheer me up. I feel like yuck. I hope this will go away soon. Sleeping helps because then I don't have to think about any of it. On the brighter side! I've lost another pound O: yay. Kay. Home work time. p.s. this was one of the creepiest adds i've ever seen.

From Friday to Sunday

This one is going to be a long one. I'm going to try and remember every single thing I did until sunday starting from friday. Woke up around 8:15. I got dressed in that stupid job hunting dress. Made myself look sharp I guess cause I had that stupid interview. I wore the nice shoes but brought the boots to change into for lab. I had some yogurt for breakfast and said bye to mom and went to school. Got there. Found a parking spot. walked to my chem room. I sat in my usual spot and listened to the boring lecture. After class I went up to RJ and talked to him for a bit. I was going to have him show my pre-lab to the teacher for me because my interview was at 11 and thats when lab starts. He was sick though and didn't go to lab that day. I told him to feel better and went up to the teacher and had her check off my pre-lab. Went back to my car and drove to plaza bonita. Double checked my makeup and hair and went down to the grill to wait for my interview. waited for awhile with three other guys to be interviewed. Talked to one of the guys. He said that the manager was hardcore and he had a friend who did the interview the day before and only lasted for 2 mins. That made me nervous. Sure enough the manager came out and was kind of scary. The first guy only lasted a few mins and the second guy longer than that. I had my interview. Not sure how I did and then the last guy went. I hurried back to my car to get back to lab. They hadn't started it yet. I was so lucky. I put my boots on and my goggles and lab coat. RJ was sick so i was partners with this asian lady. She was really funny. We did all of the reactions. Wrote down our observations. Cleaned up. Went to my chiropractor appointment and then went home. Made dinner. Ate it with catie while watching tv. Then we went to the library at my school so I could use the textbook. The library was closed so we went to the student union and sat in there for a bit. I talked to brandon online while catie did homework. Andrew called and told me about how scary paranormal activity was. I gave the phone to catie and they talked for awhile. Catie made arrangements for all of us to go to the movie that night. Talked to brandon some more. Went home. Watched some tv and talked to brandon. Got ready for the movies and left to pick up andrew then eddie. We drove to the theater. Got crappy seats hahah. Watched the movie. It was pretty intense. Drove andrew and eddie home. Went home and went into Catie's room. fell asleep for like an hour. Woke up around three fifteen. Freaked out. Tried to get catie to wake up with me. Failed at that. Watched some youtube videos. Wasn't Helping. Tried watching prince caspian. Didn't work. Called brandon. He was asleep. Called eddie. He told me ways he falls asleep for about an hour. My mom woke up and made me hang up. I brought muffin in to sleep with me. My mom prayed and sat there while I feel asleep with muffin. Woke up around 11. Put stuff on the patio away. Went to the library with catie for a bit. Came home and watched tv and did some more hw. Waited until midnight to leave brandon a happy anniversary message. Went to sleep. Woke up for mass. Went to church in the morning. Came home and had lunch and then went to the fall festival with catie and my mom and dominic. Me and catie looked in granny's attic for abit. We walked around and then andrew called and so we were going to go pick him up. We ran into miguel and talked to him for awhile. Went to pick up andrew. Came back to the festival. I ran into annalee and brenden and talked to them for awhile. Looked around and had food. Talked to tom for a bit. Talked to rosie and veronica. Ran into miguel and talked to him again. Said hi to fletcher and pet his pitbull which looks exactly like eddie. Ate more food and looked in granny's attic again. I bought a tv for 4 bucks. Went to say hi to grama in the pie shop and bought a piece of chocolate cream pie. Watched the dancers for a bit. Went to the face painting place and we all painted on each other. Cleaned up and went home. I then worked on hw and moped because i couldn't be with brandon on our anniversary. Miserable without him. the end

Good Morning Starshine

This video was deleted awhile back by some poopnugget and I found it again!! Happiness. I never get tired of it. Its SUPERB. Thank you serena ryder!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WElzyLtnNnU&feature=related

Just Sitting Here/Interview

I'm in the library at school. I was planning on taking these two hours and 30 mins to work on the study guides i have to do. BUT someone else checked out the text book D: This reallyyy sucksss. I'm going to have to be here like all day tomorrow. I wish i had brought my chem or something so I could at least try. Catie is online though! I'm glad she had vacation today.

I had the craziest dream, but I forgot what it was about. I'm going to sit here and see if i can remember.

GUH NOTHING! It was sooo weird too. I remember thinking about it when I woke up. I should have written it down or something.

AHHH BREAKING NEWSS I WAS RECIEVING A CALL AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS AND I'M IN THE LIBRARY SO I DIDN'T ANSWER AND THEY LEFT A MESSAGE AND IT WAS HIBISCUS GRILL!! AND THEY WANT TO DO AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 11. Ohh maannn I REALLY need this jobbbbbb. I haven't seen brandon in 3 weeks. I just NEED this job. I need to do a good job on this interview and get the job and meh. I'm so happy I got this interview but it doesn't mean i get the job. I've done 3 or 4 interviews and not gotten the job. Oh I neeed this. I'm all worked up now. Ugh. AND I'm kind of nervous to present my chapter of the bhagavad gita. Oh the drama in my puny little life. :3

At least I'm still alive. :)

One of THEM

So I decided to go running with the mon/wed/fri class AND my tues/thurs class. And I have found my pace! I found my happy place where i can just trod along and enjoy the fresh air and the buzz i get from running. Its lovely. I'm still really slow but at least i don't feel like crawling back anymore. The first class I couldn't make it around the track twice without stopping and now I can do 3 miles easy! Its wonderful! I want to be a put put next semester. I'm crossing my fingers. AND I have lost 9 pounds already. Its not really noticeable at this point but another 15 pounds and I should be able to see some difference =) I'm excited.

I like running now. I look forward to it. Yes....i'm one of THEM.

Jonas Brothers Round 2

Dream:
It was the superbowl and the Jonas Brothers were playing and they were going to play in one of the private boxes for some reason. They asked me to tag along so that I could help them set up and stuff. I did and we hung out for abit and talked and stuff. It was pretty cool. Joe wanted me to be in the box with them but there was no room so i told them i'd wait for them outside. While I was waiting in one of the seats in the stadium, tons and tons of people came. It got dark and and they started a weird movie on the screen. I didn't want to watch it and brandon was texting me so I texted Joe that I would just catch up with them later. I got up and made my way out of the stadium. I got lost. Surprise surprise. When I finally got out of the stadium Brandon was waiting for me. He came up to me and hugged me and kissed me and then we got on this HUGE giant basketball and we drove away on the basketball. It was like that episode of spongebob where they drive away on that rock except that the ball was spinning like a rim on a car but we were still sitting safely on the top. The end.

I have also included a picture of the basketball. I drew it trying to explain to brandon what it looked like. The Gray part was silver and didn't move while the ball span. Don't ask me how that worked out but it did. And it was about as tall as my house.

I wish...i REALLY FREAKING WISHH. That I knew what my dreams meant. I mean seriously. Driving away on a basketball? D: Whats wrong with me. I wish I was making these up. I don't mind them beside the fact that they drive me crazy with what they are supposed to mean. The end.

Cabin Fever Killer

I had a really weird dream. So here goes. Daniel and Jessica stone came to my house for my birthday parrty. I don't know why. Don't even ask me why. Daniel kept bothering me. He kept following me around and trying to get me to kiss him. I sat on a chair and texted brandon. He couldn't make it to my party for some reason. I was sad but I knew it wasn't his fault. While i was texting him, of course Daniel comes over to bother me and he was complaining about how jessica was being a bitch. He tried kissing my neck and i got angry and pushed him off the chair and got up and started walking away. He followed and kept trying to persuade me to make out with him blah blah. I kept telling him to leave me alone and go away and that I have a boyfriend that i love. He wouldn't listen to me. I started walking down the street and he followed. He started taking his shirt off and he got really close and i was on the verge of crying and and then someone pushed him down and i fell down with him. I turned around and this blonde girl was looking at us. She had a white dirty t-shirt on and her hair was kind of wet and dirty too. She was wearing jeans and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. She was gooorgeous though. Her face was so beautiful. Her eyes were round and her lips and nose fit perfectly with her face. The shade of skin she had was soft and warm. She was so pretty, but she looked like she had been hurt beyond repair. The look on her face was horrifying. She looked psycho. She looked like all of her sanity had been cruelly taken away from her. She was shaking and looking at Daniel. She looked at him and he looked horrified and was backing away on his hands and feet. He said, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorrry. Please, leave me alone..." She just screamed and looked at him. I just had this feeling and knew that he had done something to her. Something that no one deserves. But I didn't know what it was. She took out a knife and started walking towards him. Tears had been pouring down my face silently and i was soo horrified to move. When i had fallen and turned around i had dropped my phone two feet away in front of me. I started shaking. My phone buzzed and i looked down at it and Brandon's picture came onto the screen. He was calling me. What horrible timing. I stretched out my arm to pick up my phone and the girl pointed her knife at me and said, "Don't you dare answer that fucking phone!!!" I was so terrified that i brought my hand to my mouth to stop myself from crying out. I was shaking from silent sobbing. I was going to die here and I would never be able to talk to Brandon again. I was never going to be able to tell him that I love him again. I stared at his picture on my phone until it showed that i had a missed call and then i looked back up at the girl. She had gotten close enough to Daniel to have the knife at his throat. After that I don't remember what happened. That was the end of that dream. A good thing I think. I wish I knew what my dreams meant.

So I feel like every weekend I need to go out and dooo something. Thus i had cabin fever. I hate just sitting her and watching tv for hours. I almost drive myself crazy. On the upside i get to talk to my boyfriend for hours and hours. The downside, I don't get enough physical time with him. I would love for these boring times to be filled with a box of pizza and and lots and lots of snuggling with the boyfriend. He is ridiculously snugglable. I love it. Our movie list has grown _-_ We kinda watched Muppet treasure Island once and they have that whole song dedicated to cabin fever. Its the funniest thing ever.

I reeeeally want to go dancing. Catie won't go with me grrr Its so carefree and fun and I love the atmosphere. I remember dancing with my friends at the few school dances i went to stag. I miss my friends. Caitlin is home for the weekend though! i should be hanging out with her tomorrow sometime. I wonder what we'll do.

I feel a change coming. I don't know what it is. But i feel this motivation that wasnt there before. This determination to do. I can't explain it. We'll see what happens when it comes.

The Jonas Brothers Dream

Last night I had kinda of a really cool dream. I had a dream that the Jonas Brothers were going to do a concert in my room. Before they got there though, I was changing and people kept coming in my room!!! I was changing and some guy came in through the door even though I had it LOCKED!! It was annoying. I was like completely naked for some reason too. The first time a guy came in it was through the blue door and i grabbed the closest thing which was my blanket and i said, "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He said, "Oh uhh sorry!" and he left and I closed the door and then a DIFFERENT guy came through the other door and i said, "I'M CHANGING!!". He said, "Woops sorry.." and ran away. I was astounded that people kept coming in! grawrr. Anyway. So i got dressed and somehow I knew that they were coming and I went to my gramas house. And they were there waiting for me and they were planning on standing on cars while they did their concert but he only speakers they had were computer speakers hahahahha So we went back to my house for some reason the concert was going to be at my house all along anyway. And they went into my room and I went with them to help them prepare and set up and stuff. And Nick got his guitar to hook up to my computer speakers hahaha We talked for a looong time. I mostly talked to nick and joe. Kevin was distracted doing stuff. Some girl knocked on the door to come in and i wouldn't let her. She had to wait in line for the concert to start like everyone else. She got mad at me but got in line and there were TONS AND TONS of girls waiting outside my room for the concert. The stage took up half my room of course. And then all of a sudden they didn't have anything to wear. They were all three standing with white shirts and boxers only lol Their boxers were a light faded red. Then I found stuff for them to wear and we all talked more and we all became best buddies. It was prettttyy freaking cool. And then we took pictures together before the concert and THEN oh jeez. AND THEN I WOKE UP IN MY DREAM. And my cousins were over and we were all eating roast beef and macaroni and I was telling carol about my dream I had with the Jonas brothers in it while she sang yeah yeah yeahs.

strange.

The Couple

WARNING: This one is really mushy. I'm probably 98% mushy and 2% music. I have many other pies in the refrigerator of mag. I have a whole pie for my family and friends and a whole pie for for God. My soul is made of pies. Wonderful wonderful pies. This entry is one of my mushy pies. But its good.

So there is this couple. The guy is short but the same height as the girl and he has bright blonde hair and a lip piercing. He is kinda muscular and very serious looking. The girl is Philippina and a little chubby but not too chubby. She is probably just big boned. She has dark hair that matches her skin nicely. They both kinda dress in really relaxed clothes. They are in sweats a lot of the time. They've been going out for at least a year because they were in my step class last year, first semester. They are a really cute couple. They do everything together. I see them walking around campus together and in the parking lot together. The guy is really protective over her too. You can tell that he really cares about her, that they really care about each other. They are always looking out for each other and helping each other. The other morning I saw them running together. They are in the mon/wed/fri running class. They were so cute. I was driving toward the school when I saw all of the people running down H street from the mon/wed/fri class. I saw them and when she was running on the outside, he ran a little slower and went around the back side of her and switched spots with her. It was cute. They also both had on those backpacks that carry water and have the tubes that come out of them for you to drink from.

And then I got kind of sad. I wish I could take Brandon everywhere with me. I like taking care of him and being there for him. I like feeding him and watching over him. I would love to cook every meal for him and care for every wound. Nothing would make me happier than doing that for him. I wish I could go grocery shopping with him and to the mall with him. I wish i could buy a pizza and go over whenever I wanted. I wish he could come over all the time and he could come to all of my family events with me. I wish we could drive to school together and walk around together. But my time with him physically is limited. Its unfortunate but its worth being able to have him.

Brandon and I have that cute traditional couple kinda of relationship. Mostly because I'm a hugggeee mushy sap but also because Brandon is too =) He always has his arm around me and makes sure that I'm okay. He walks before me when we go downstairs and after me when we go upstairs. He opens doors for me and walks on the outside of the street. Now we haven't done all of these things but this is just a feel for what we are. We are that couple that made a pie for the new neighbors. We're that couple that made brownies and sandwhiches to eat at the park. We're the couple that wore matching t-shirts to the amusement park and slow danced by the fountain. We're that couple that can literally stare at each other for hours and hours without having to say anything at all. And it makes me so happy to be able to have someone like him. And after hear stories about girls and their boyfriends I usually think to myself that Brandon never has done any of those things in the two years that I've known him or the 10 months we've been together. And I smile to myself and I get butterflies at the thought it and him and knowing that I'm safe with him. My soul always smiles at the thought that he makes me happier than most girls would ever get from their boyfriends. He treats me way better than what I truly deserve. And he is mine <3

Daniel Stupidface

So I need help with my chem but my mom is asleep and I don't have anyone to talk to right now sooooo.....I don't usually like to go off about people but this guy deserves it. I need a special ranting session for this guy. Something happened today that i just need to get off my chest.

Daniel,
I don't even know where to begin...You are such an ASSHOLE. I saw it at first but only a little. I figured I could push it aside to be your friend. We even had fights while we worked together. You would get mad at me for now reason. And you would make me feel bad about it....I hated it. You got mad at me and made me feel guilty. Like whatever it was, was MY fault. The first few times I kinda freaked out too. Why? Because I never get people angry. I hardly ever make people so angry that they won't talk to me. It just doesn't happen. I hate fighting. I hate it and for someone who I've only been friendly to, to get angry at me freaked me out. My mom gets angry at me and catie every now and then but thats it. I just DON"T GET PEOPLE ANGRY. AND you made ME feel bad about it. Like it was my fault. And I would always apologize. Its like we were already in an abusive relationship and we weren't even freaking going out. It was so stupid. When I texted people you got angry at me. You had to know who I was texting and why. You made fun of me and made jokes about how I only texted my parents. When I texted in front of you you closed my phone and told me to put my phone away. It made me angry but I dealt with it. You never worked hard. You were rude. You were extremely immature. I knew you liked me though. I knew you had a thing for me. But here's the thing, Actually, Here are a few things:
1.) I was in love with someone else. Ya snooze ya looze
2.) You were so rude and immature
3.) You were an asshole

They are all pretty much stems of that. When i saw you be disrespectful to your mother I knew that there would never be a chance for you. You don't hit your mother. You don't call her names and disobey her. I watch carefully at the way guys treat their mothers and if you don't respect your mother and take care of her then thats it. You have no chance with me. So i get it, you had a hard childhood. Your mom was a meth addict and your family had problems. But she is better now. And it gives you no excuse to make rude and sexually explicit comments. I don't want to her you and Sam talk about porn and fake women. You made the most disgusting comments I have ever heard males say in the presence of girls. I don't understand how anyone would want to be with you OR sam after hearing some of the things you two said.

The reason why I'm mostly angry is because what you did when I was at your house. Sure It was partially my fault. I got drunk and I shouldn't have. But it gave you NO right to do what you did. You never took responsibility for your actions or apologized. How DARE you even pretend that you didn't even remember it!!! UGH And you SUCK at kissing. It hurt my mouth. I wish I was sober enough to drive because I would have driven home. I knew i shouldn't have gone when I found out tahj cancelled. You were just a waste of time in my life and I wish I'd had never met you or sam. You you have the NERVE to ask Tahj to have sex with you after I started ignoring you? You're disgusting.

And the sad thing is, that I liked your cologne. I loooved your cologne. It was so excruciatingly pleasant to take in. I dunno what kind it was but it was mouth watering. But this SuckS!! It FUCKING sucks. Because every now and then i walk by a guy who smells like it. I walk by a random guy every now and then that is wearing your cologne. And its sooo amazingg to smell but it comes along with memories. It comes along with the stupid and idiotic things you said and did. I hate that it links to those memories. What a waste of a smell. I hate having to remember you everytime I smell that cologne. And I'm sorry for myself that I have wasted this much time talking about you. I wish you could see what a real guy is supposed to be like. You could never compare to any other guy I know. Thats how much of a screwup you are. I hate to even tryyy to think about comparing you to my boyfriend. You would never live up to what he is to me or what he does for me nor could you ever do anything so kind for another person. I'm done with this. My dislike for you is too strong for me to continue. You're lucky I had no one to talk to right now. Goodbye.

Perfect One

Today was one of those i really hate my life days. It was bad. Really really bad. Anyway, my wonderful boyfriend was sweet the entire time i complained and moped about it. Everyone was so helpful this whole weekend and my family was amazing and i have the most amazing friends that exist. So what do i have to complain about? 600$ isn't the end of the world. I have a lot to write about but i'm going to take it one post at a time.

So this song by IAMX with the assistance of sneaker pimps I believe is called Perfect One. And to me its so totally epic! Its one of those life songs. It would be perfect for the trailer to watchmen or the matrix or something. BUT! On the other hand. The end is the beginning is the end was PERFECT for the watchmen trailer. Oh was it just perfect! Such an epic song. The slow one is waaay better than the fast one. Smashing pumpkins did a smashing job with that song. I have provided it here for your enjoyment. Ignore the weirdo guy at the end.

Other songs on mags current playlist:
Zero- Yeah yeah yeahs I seriously love this songggg!!
Starz in Their Eyes - Just Jack Love this guys accent
Writer's Block - Just Jack Amazing too =)
Lovebug - Jonas Brothers googley eyes. Such nice voices (I have special googley eyes for Brandon that have little hearts in the middle instead of black dots. So no need to be jealous boyfriend <3)

chow for naooo hahahahahah

Fly Though My Window

Let me be Peter Pan

The Princess and the Frog

I'm so excited for this movie kind of. There is a plus side and a minus side. The plus side is that they are finally adding some kind of diversity to the Disney Princesses. But! Whenever people say, you need diversity! They add a black person. Where are the people in between? :(

Pocahantas counts I guess but she never gets put on the posters or the lunch boxes.

I'm so tired. And its been kinda crazy. But just a few things.

Brandon is going farther away for 4 days sadface
I'm going to arctic monkeys concert on monday happyface
I can't go study abroad sadface
Brandon has a blog now happy face
I'm tired. Goodnight

How still does water hold if the current is going up and down and 45 mi an hour?

Wait a Minute, There's More to Love

So I love music. I think most people know that. Everyone has their different taste too. Just because I don't like the kind of music that YOU like doesn't mean its not music. I hate it when people do that. Anyway. I listen to a LOT of mainstream. And even though most of the lyrics to mainstream are usually about looks and sex or dancing, they can get pretty clever. There is one in particular that I want to talk about.

Wait a Minute - PCD feat. Timba
SOOOO catchy. I seriously love this song. I love PCD and I love Timba. So a good combo right? I think especially because of Timba. He brings AMAZING stuff into music. Just amazing. So in this particular song a girl and a guy are going back and forth. Through out the whole song they are arguing that they are innocent but they both reveal how guilty they are. The girl DOES use him for his money. But in order to get what she wants she has to put out. He denies that he buys her stuff for sex but he knows he buys her things so she will. He goes and blames her for using him for his money. She goes and blames him for expecting her to put out. Hypocrite! Because she KNOWS that she is using him for his money. She denies using him for his money and he denies buying her stuff just for the sex yet they are both guilty. Its a nice catchy conversation with a beat though. So its all good.

There's More to Love. Its this reality show that they are doing right now thats kinda like the bachelor but with overweight girls and an overweight guy. They made it apparently so that the girls could try to find a guy who they could feel comfortable in their bodies with. I feel bad that these girls haven't found someone that they can be comfortable with. They are all extremely beautiful. its a shame that guys these days expect girls to be so skinny. I thank my Brandon that he has never mentioned my weight to me or cares what I eat. That he swears I'm the most beautiful girl to him. I never get old to him....it makes me happy.

I drew this picture for Catie for her birthday and I just found it in my pile. I should give it to her hahaha. Poor muffins feel intimidated by the Cake. And the cake just feels awkward. And the candles and balloons are bystanders.

peacee
-mag