Boyfriend Survey

I know you were feeling down yesterday hun so I thought this might cheer you up. I love you :)

The Ultimate Boyfriend Survey Created by fr0z3nfire and taken 9607 times on Bzoink
History
Where did you two first meet?:	In front of a school by his house
When exactly did you two first meet?:	in the middle of the day around noon?
What was your first impression of him?:	Wonderfulness and shock that I was finally with him
When did you start liking him?:	The first night we talked.
When did you two start going out?:	maybe like 3 months later?
How was with your first kiss with him like?:	AMAZING and 3 hours long <3
Is he your first boyfriend? If not, then which?:	Yes he is my first real boyfriend <3
Are you his first girlfriend? If not, then which?:	I am his first girlfriend :)
About Him
How much older/younger is he compared to you?:	He is about 2 years younger than I am
Hair colour?:	Dark dark brown. Almost black
Eye colour?:	A heart melting hazel
Build?:	AMAZING :)
Astrological sign?:	erm. I know his birthday...
Skin colour?:	Light tan
Race/ethnicity?:	White haha
Nationality?:	Czechoslovakian I think?
Religion?:	Catholic
Glasses?:	Nope
Piercings?:	nope
Tattoos?:	nope
Chest hair?:	ahahhahahah oh my goodness
Scars? Where?:	none <3
Know where's his birthmark if he has one?:	none
Smart/not?:	SMART smart cookie
Sarcastic/not?:	not sarcastic
Humourous/not?:	yes he is humorous
Possessive/not?:	Extremely lol <3
Patient/not?:	Not patient
Affectionate/not?:	Overwhelmingly affectionate...love it.
Protective/not?:	Yes protective
Clingy/not?:	yes clingy but its okay cause I'm clingy too :)
Expressive/not?:	Sometimes
Talkative/quiet?:	Quiet <3
Outgoing/shy?:	Shy :)
Party animal/Stay at home kind?:	Stay at homer <3
Sporty/not?:	not sporty
Artistic/not?:	Very artistic. I love his work.
Practical or more of the dreamy type?:	DREAMY. Heart swooning dreamy. <3
His skills
Can he cook or bake?:	YES!
Can he repair/fix things?:	yes!
Can he dance?:	yes :D
Can he sing?:	yes :)
Can he draw?:	OF COURSE! He's good
Can he play any instrument?:	I'm not sure...
Can he write well?:	depends?
Can he make you laugh?:	yes :)
Can he make others laugh?:	yes :)
What is his talent if he has found it?:	I love his art and his love is one of a kind.
Is he good at science and math?:	Yes he is
Things you like about him
What do you like about the things he say?:	The butterflies and emotions that result from it.
What do you like about the things he does?:	Same answer :) He makes me happy.
What do you like about the things he does FOR YOU?:	He does them to keep both of us happy <3
What part of his face do you like the most?:	eyes <3
What part of his body do you like the most?:	Toughie
What part of his personality do you like the most?:	His compassion
What do you most admire about him?:	His romance.
What part of him attracts you the most?:	Everything!
Do you know what attracts him to you?:	No idea hahaha. he be crazy
Random quirks
Is he a pet lover?:	Yes indeed
Animal lover?:	yes
Is he environmental-friendly?:	sometimes
What are his views on political issues?:	No idea
Is he racist?:	nope!
Is he a vegetarian?:	nope
Does he drink?:	sometimes
Smoke?:	NEVER thank goodness
Curse?:	sometimes
Sleep around?:	noooooooooo
Abuse drugs?:	nooooo
Is he hairy?:	not really
Does he donate to beggars?:	No idea
Is he neat/messy?:	messy haha :)
His love life
Is he a romantic? Self-professed or closet?:	ROMANTIC hands down
Is he sentimental?:	yes
How did he woo you?:	he did :)
Does he give you flowers?:	He has :)
Does he lavish you with gifts?:	he tries haha :)
Does he pay for your meals/tickets/etc?:	yes <3
Is he okay with confessing his love for you in public?:	He is more than okay with that <3
Does he express his love for you in words or actions?:	Always <3
Things you don't like about him (though you accept his faults)
Any habits of his that you dislike?:	His worryness
Any part of his appearance that you dislike?:	Nope!
Any part of his character that you dislike?:	The part of him that self-loathes. It hurts me..
Your feelings for him
So..how long have you two been together?:	About 2 years
Do you truly love him?:	Of course
Does he truly love you?:	I think so :)
Can you envision marrying him?:	I can <3
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Divorce

My cousin is getting divorced. Honestly I'm not surprised at all. She has made fun of me as a little kid before and she can be extremely inconsiderate and self-centered. I'm just really really saddened that she is getting a divorce because of her child. I don't know how she and her husband made such a wonderful child, but she is just spectacular. Annabel is one of the sweetest little cousins I have and she doesn't deserve this.

I can't say that they haven't tried everything but I'm just really really disappointed that they aren't pulling this together for her. Annabel deserves a lot better than that.

So sad and disappointed.

Last Two Days and Life

These last two days were really really fun. I hung out with my floormates mostly. On friday we drank and ordered pizza and hung out in brian's room. Only some of us got drunk. So fun. We watched one episode of jersey shore and 6 episodes of the walking dead. @.@ We didn't go to sleep until like 4 in the morning. GOOD show though! Its about zombies.

And then this morning it snowed!!! I got up around 11 to look at it out my window and then I went back to sleep. I woke up around 2:30 and read for awhile and then got food with ting, tracy, and jeff. The lady there read ting's name and called him tina! hahahah. So I've been calling him tina all night. Then we sat in the hall and ate food and socialized. My floormates are some really awesome people. Then they wanted me to bust out my paints and I face painted a lot of people. That was really fun actually :) And then Tracy and I made an ice cream run and we ate ice cream in ting's room with jeff, ting, and jason. Raymond gave us some good laughs and Jeremy showed us the sparks in his shirt. Then I came back to my room around 1:30.

So basically today i got no studying done :D yay! Worth it though. I'm going to have to buckle down tomorrow.

Then just now. while I was brushing my teeth, raymond decided to let us know that he was pooping hahahahhah and then told me the three levels of snoring: Heavy breathing, the snore, and the choke. So funny. He cracks me up.

Anyway I'm really liking this life. My floormate family is really awesome. They are some really awesome people. And I LOVE dance. So freaking fun.

DANCE DANCE DANCE makes everything worth it. I've found my nitch in which partners I dance better with and I'm performing twice this next saturday and I'm SO excited to do that.

And tomorrow we are finishing up tabasco :) I've learned like 5 or 6 regions in one month. SO AWESOME!!!!

I read midnight sun and more than half of new moon in the last 3 days. LOTS of reading. They are so good though. I can't wait to get through the rest of them.

Today and yesterday were super fun.

Anyway. So thats life right now :)

Unintended

This is just so painfully beautiful. I can't stop listening to it. Amazing


You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

Updates

I know I've named so many of my entrees this but I don't know what else to call it!

What I'm doing right now:
Talking to my love and playing scrabble with jeff on fb while listening to some good music.

What's been on my mind:
So many things....I'm actually kind of depressed at the moment. Stephenie Meyer really has a talent for capturing the reader. Reading her books just takes me to a whole different place. Transitioning from reading to coming back to the real world is so hard. And for like 15 mins after I just sulk because compared to what is happening in the book, I feel like mine is nothing too special. Which is such a shame because the people in my life certainly don't deserve that kind of mentality from me. And then I feel guilty for feeling like my life isn't good enough. Oh the emotions of coming back to what is reality.... That means its a good book. I really want to finish New Moon pronto so I can stop being depressed all the time.

sigh.

I'm going to watch glee on hulu now and then see if I can get my life as liz somewhere.

339

Soooo Tracy and I were going to get up early but that didn't happen. I'm glad I got the extra sleep anyway.

I was having dinner with Joel and Alvaro the other night. Met Alvaro through Tracy a few times. He's a cool dude. Met Joel at Harry's Party. Joel and Harry are English so I was talking to Joel about music. Totally awesome because most of my favorite bands are from England. And Joel has SEEN MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS! So Jealousssss. And he told me to listen to Micachu and the Shapes and I LOVE IT! Dancedancedancenancanyayayay. Golden phone is really gooooddddd. Can't stop dancing to that.

I was really excited about that!


p.s. Why is the cave so popular a year after it comes out hmm? LOVELY song though! So tender. He has an awesome voice.

Also kind of Disappointed with Lady' Gaga's new song. Cute and Catchy! But nothing that I haven't heard before. I'd download it haha She got some points for the way she talked about God and the message is nice for once. Although a bit hypocritical...

Okay I need to get dressed. We are all going to go eat soon.

339=339th blog post. I've come a long way eh?

peace!

GOOD

Things have been going really really well! I'm so blessed that I made it here.
I had an amazing weekend with Brandon and I got valentines from him, Jeremy, jenna, and Alexis. Alexis gave us condom lollipops! Hahahahaha too funny. I go a heart from jenna. I got skittles from Jeremy and a sticker. I got flowers,dinner, and MUSIC!!! from Brandon. He knows how much I love my music :) and he actually got me some really good stuff!! I'm surprised at our recent music compatability

Anyway today was pretty chill and awesome.
What I did today:
woke up next to Brandon. So priceless.
Watched some morning tv with him <3
Then he dropped me off at school and I had class until 12. Then I ate and took a shower.
Then Ivonne and I went to office hours for my TA cause we a test tomorrow.
Came back from office hours.
Made my animal tattoo valentines for everyone on the floor.
The kids loved them!
Took a much needed nap.
Ate with Tracy.
Went to dance.
Busted my ass at Nayarit costa, Jalisco, and durango.
So much freaking fun!!
Signed up for a performance finally :)
Came back to my room. Cleaned up my crap.
Talked online to Brandon.
Ate with ben and Brian and Raymond. Those kids freaking crack me up.
Came back and sat in the hall with Tracy, Jeff, Brian, ben, and mike. Love those kids.
Then me, Tracy, Brian, and ben did some more serious talking in ben's room.
Then got ready for bed and here I'm lying now.

Good day
Good weekend
Even better weekend coming up!!!!!!!
I am SOOO excited for this weekend!!!

Driving with ben down to LA.
Going to a wedding on Saturday.
Going to SD after that until late Sunday night!! :D
Then back to LA Monday to spend it with Brandon.
Then tuesday ben and I drive back.

Action packed. Can't wait.

Also I've been working on my novel which is extremely engrossing. When I stop writing it takes me a few seconds to remember where I am. It's really pretty amazing actually. I want to make a good dent on it by the summer!

I need too make a to do list.

Gonna fall asleep reading me some twilight.
G'night

Procrastination

Gah I really have to finish my study guide for tomorrow's midterm. That's today's only goal.

I had a really weird dream. I woke up depressed. Like I had a really bad day and I just wanted to sit there and cry. I don't remember what happened in my dream but it sucks to wake up in a crummy mood. I remember being in a room full of people. But thats it.

Things have been good on this end. Just crazy busy. I haven't watched my movies in like a week. Thats really saying something. haha

Okay I really have to try and do hw now. Blargh.

The Day We Met

I did not know what I was getting into. I was in love with a boy who I had never met. All I knew was that I couldn't stand staying away from him any longer. I needed to be with him. After months of talking to him and wanting to know every insignificant detail of his life, I wanted to meet him. I want to talk to him and hold his hand.

I was terrified of course. Know one knew that I was in love with him. I had mentioned him to my sister but she did not know how I truly felt for him. If I had a friend who told me she was in love with someone who she had never meant, I would have been quick to judge like most. For that reason I did not tell anyone that I was driving two hours on veterans day to meet him. I used my books as an excuse.

He was terrified of meeting me too. But I couldn't wait any longer.

I was fine the whole drive up there until I exited off of the freeway. My hands started sweating and I couldn't stop fidgeting. I could hear my heart beating and I felt sick to my stomach. I parked on what I thought was the block he lived on. I walked and walked but I could not find his house. I was lost.

I started becoming more anxious because I was impatient and more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I almost got back into my car and drove home. I also had a cold and it was taking a toll on my consciousness and energy. I texted him that I was lost and he asked me what I saw. I told him that I was near a school. He immediately knew which school I was talking about and told me that he would meet me at the intersection on his bike.

So I waited. They were the longest 5 minutes of my life. I was so overwhelmed by everything. I loved him but what if he did not love me? I already knew and decided that no matter what he looked like, I would still be completely in love with him. I was terrified that he would take one look at me and he would not feel the same way. No guy had loved me before....why would he be any different?

I have never been so vulnerable than I was then. He had complete control over me....over my heart.

I was shaking and trying so desperately to not have a panic attack in the intersection I was waiting in.
And then I saw him. I saw him riding his bike. He crossed the street so that he was on the opposite side of the intersection, right in front of the school. I looked both ways and ran across the first street. Then I called his name.

"Brandon!" He didn't hear me. I was so desperate to get to him but I had to wait for the walk sign. I saw him get out his phone and I called him again, "Brandon!". I waved and he saw me and put his phone away.

I was standing as far at the edge of the curb as I could go.

I bit my lip impatiently waiting for the stupid light to change and when it did I was free. I ran to him and before we had time for anything I instantly wrapped my arms around him. I tried to breathe normally. I was still extremely nervous. I took a step back and looked at him.

"Are you okay? Are you still breathing?" He had a look on his face like he didn't understand what was happening but he nodded.

I frowned at him, "I got lost and I parked way over there..."

I took his hand in mine and wrapped my fingers with.

He walked me to my car and then rode his bike back to his house. I followed him and parked in front of it. He showed me around his house all the while I did my best to not let go of his hand. He took me up to his room and showed me some photos of a family vacation. I sat on his bed and he sat in his chair. I was clutching a tub of wipes I found in his garage. I was sick and I was determined to not get him sick.

At one point while we were in his room, we were both silent. The perfect moment for a kiss. I stared at him for a moment wanting to kiss him so badly. The guy I was in love with was sitting 3 feet in front of me... I was sick though. And I had no idea if he even loved me or if he was just being nice.

I didn't want to leave but I had to get home in time. I made him promise to wipe everything down before I left. When I wrapped my arms around him, I didn't want to move. If he didn't feel the same way, this would be my last chance to have this...

I left reluctantly and thought about everything as I drove home.

When I got home I got online instantly so that I could talk to him. I wanted to know what that day meant for him. I already knew what I felt.

And then we talked about it. He still cared for me. He felt the same feelings I felt that day. He wasn't sure if I still loved him or if I was just being nice to get through the day.

And then I exploded. My heart exploded!! Every thought was about him. Every cell in my body gushed with blissful happiness. Nothing else mattered. He loved me. I loved him. We were in love. I felt all of the glory of having my first true love.

It was amazing....Like nothing I had ever felt.

I needed to be with him again. I needed to touch him and be in his presence. And soon after I snuck out. I snuck out of my house and drove in the middle of the night to be with him. This time being unsick, I was hoping for a kiss.

He snuck me into his room and he put on Mulan for us to watch. Everything was so immediately natural for us. He sat against the wall and I sat facing him, snuggled up against him with his arms around me.

Then he said, "There is something I want to do before I forget..." Then he bent down and kissed my cheek. I couldn't help but smile. I turned my head and put my hands on his face and kissed him. And he kissed me back. I was in a different world. There was nothing better than locking lips with the guy I was completely in love with. He kept his arms around me and occasionally ran his fingers through my hair. It was so exhilarating. It was perfect. Before we knew it the movie was over but we hadn't even noticed. We were too busy preoccupied with each other. I almost cried out of happiness when he told me that he loved me. To hear his voice say it out loud and to be so close to him at the same time was just out of this world.

I'm so grateful that God brought Brandon into my life. No one has made me happier than he has. I still lie in his arms sometimes and think to myself how lucky I am to have him. I could stare at him and touch his face forever. He constantly holds doors open for me and tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me how amazing I am and does so much for me.

Whether this last forever or not, it's true. Its true love. I am one of the luckiest people on this planet to have him as my boyfriend.

Take a Dirty Picture For me

I really love this catchy song. dancedancendndencne

Wow

Brandon wrote this for me in 2009. He sent it to me before he went to sleep. Its so simple and yet beautiful.

My girlfriend.
The only one I think of.
And I think of you every second.
You are perfect in everyway.
You are beautiful beyond comprehension.
You are stunning in my eyes.
You are the only one I love.
You are the only thing I need.
You are the only one I want.
You are completely mine.
I love you.
I need you.
My life is meaningless without you in it.
I am lucky to have you.
You are beyond anything I ever expected to have.
My existance revolves are you.
You are what my heart beats for.
You are my wife.
And I am all yours in every way and only yours.
Sweet dreams. I love you.

Lost me

I'm lying here in bed. I can't sleep because I woke up so late this morning.

Good News
For starters I miss my love like I always do but it's not something I can't cope with. Our relationship has gotten better. He is improving a great deal. I only hope he will stay this way when I go home for the summer. We still talk all the time as much as possible in as many forms possible but I still miss him. I am used to this though. Long distance. It's something we are used to. So with the long distance and talking whenever we can it's almost like I'm still in San Diego.

Bad News
I just don't understand you Eddie. Sometimes I think about the fact that you love me from time to time. I feel like I would be an easy person to get over. You and Brandon give me so much more credit as a person than what I really am.

And sometimes I just still don't get it. I don't get it! I don't understand. I do not mean it in an insulting way. I promise. I just can't explain to you how confused my mind is when I hear that you love me. I almost laugh out loud. I don't understand.

How can you be around someone for years and never tell them that you love them? How is that possible.... How can you tease the one you love in a way that you tease everyone else. Not that I think it's mean. Its just strange.

You've treated me like a friend for so long. It feels like it's been like this forever. How could it be any different?

I'm not asking for another explanation. I'm only letting the world know that I am still stumped with the idea.

I'm letting you know why I am so confused.
I know that at some point you'll read this.
You've been really busy recently and talking online hasn't been the same either for some reason.

You have no obligation in any way to talk to me or save any time for me.

But I miss you.

Lost my best friend.

I don't know why but I feel like you lost me. I feel like I lost you too.

Goodnight

Honeymoon Sway

So I've been really set on wanting to go to tahiti for my honeymoon but I've been look at some other hotels and I might just change my mind. I will think about it.

For example:

Icehotel in Sweden. SO BEAUTIFUL! And I'm sure there is plenty else to see in Sweden too.

Propeller Island City Lodge, in Germany. There is one room there that is really just out of this world. Amazing and again plenty to see in Germany I think.

Igloo Village in Finland. WOW!!!! just WOW!!!

The Magic Mountain hotel in chile. Just amazing.

Last but not least, a hotel that is in Mexico that is surrounding a bullring. It looks pretty amazing.

SO MANY DECISIONS! I hope I have enough money to go to one of these places.

I've provided pictures to feast your eyes on as well.

DANCE!!

SO! I Figured it was time for some updates. Everything is going spectacular up here :) I really like everything. My floor is my family now and the dorms are my home. Of COURSE I miss my love love and my friends and family and everything at home, BUT I have made a new home and now I have two homes! And I was so scared that I would end up with no home.

I've made some amazing friends we have a lot of fun doing nothing and hanging out in brians room. I just got done hanging out in ben's room with ryan, tracy, raymond, and jeff. Good times good times. These are some really hilarious people.

I have a routine and I'm doing great in my classes so far and

I DANCE! 3 times a week for 3 hours. Its SOOO FUN!! I have met a lot of really cool people in that dance class. We have learned durango and puebla so far and we are learning jalisco I think on sunday. Super excited.

I have to study for two midterms I have this next week which is good timing because I don't have much to do tomorrow. Tracy, Ben and I are going to go to the library tomorrow.

AND! Next weekend my love is coming to visit me!

AND! The weekend after that Eddie is coming to visit me!! And the sunday of THAT weekend I am going to drive to LA and spend a few days down there. So I just need to buckle down in between the weekends and I will have a good time.

Winter formal next saturday bam bam bam

Anyway I've come a long way from being hopelessly alone and homesick the second week of the quarter.

I'm good now :)

School

I'm down here doing laundry with Ralph.

Here is what I did all weekend and yesterday I suppose.
On friday I had class all day and then dance until 8. Super fun! Then I just hung out with my floor mates and browsed online and chatted online. We watched 2 hours of jersey shore haha! It was really really fun actually. We had fun laughing at them. It was very entertaining. Originally we didn't really want to watch it at all but Tracy and I decided to stay and watch it. Ben has seen all 3 seasons hahaha He's the one that got us all to watch it.

Then on saturday I went to the library with tracy for like 3 hours and studied for stats. I was a good kid and studied! I have an exam tonight at 6. I hope I do okay. Ivonne wants to walk over together. Anyway then Tracy and I went to the hungry slug and got burritos and hung out there for awhile. Then we both took naps lol!! And then we just hung around the dorms with everyone and watched 2 more hours of the jersey shore. Super awesome.

Then on sunday I went to church and then Veronica bought me lunch again. Her boyfriend Alan came this time though. He is super funny. We all had a good time. Then I had dance at 3 and we had a new instructor. He was super awesome! And super hardcore. We learned 3 new songs in 2 hours. @.@ So fun though. Puebla!!

Then dance was over at 6 and I just hung out at the dorms. Its kind of cool to be living with everyone on the floor because we all socialize to pass the time. Its really fun.

I feel like I've been here forever though. And I really need a job but its so hard :(

Anyway my laundry should be done soon and then I need to get ready for my exam and make sure i have everything.
Ralph and I brought our laptops so that we could study. I'm all studied out though. I think I will do a good job. It doesn't seem hard but we'll see I suppose.

Also I keep having dreams of little things I desire! Its really weird. For example, I had a dream that I had my blank CD's in my dorm when in reality they are still in my car. Sad. I also had a dream that the dining hall finally had pie again. so sad. I have some weird dreams but this cluster of small witty desires was very strange. There are more things that were in the dream but I can't remember right now. I will write about them later I suppose.

bye!

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I just discovered this and I think its pretty cool. I've been messing around with it haha

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Typical Day in the Dorms

I wanted to talk about what I did today because it is typically what I have been doing most days. Good days! I do miss everyone and home but I'm adjusting to this life and I have nothing to complain about (except that it gets really cold sometimes).

So I woke up to Marina's alarm and she did what I usually do and turned it off and went back to sleep haha :D And then about an hour later MY alarm woke us up hahahhaha and I turned it off and we both went back to sleep and then around 10:30 we woke up and did our own thing. She does stuff on her computer a lot. I went onto mine for a little bit and then Tracy wanted to know if I had eaten. I texted her back saying that I hadn't.

So then I got dressed and had breakfast with Tracy, Jenna, Ryan, Roy, Marina, Raymond, and Cat. Jeff eventually joined later on. The floor has its clicks but is still in the bigger picture a family. Anyone will eat with anyone and we usually sit together if we see each other in the dining halls at any point. Its really cool. We ate and talked at the Porter dining hall for awhile and then I came back up with ryan and raymond. Raymond was going to help me with my mailbox but I didn't get anything so it was unnecessary. Sad. I really need my books for my classes :( I'm surprised they haven't come yet.

Then I got on the bus because I had to move my car from in front of Veronica's house to this place in front of a Church where they won't ticket me. Tracy and I were going to get ice cream with our flexi dollars at Merrill when I got back but while I was on the bus she said she was too lazy and wanted to take a nap instead which was perfect! haha because I was falling asleep on the bus on the way back to campus.

Then I went back to my dorm and marina was doing stuff on her comp and I climbed up into my top bunk and took a nap. Then I woke up around 4:30 and laid in my bed for awhile just resting. Tracy texted me to go eat again. Since I had a class at 6 and so did she we brought our stuff with us for class so we could eat and then just go straight to class.

Today was Beefless Thursday at porter so we took the bus and ate at college nine and ten dining hall instead. I have been to 3 out of the 5 dining halls that we have here and I like nine and ten the best so far. Supposedly, stevenson is the best one.

So Jeff, Tracy, and I ate at college nine and ten and then Tracy and I went to class. After class Ivonne and I rode the bus and I went to college 8 to eat again with tracy! haha Ivonne goes home on the weekends and doesn't have class on Fridays so she rode the bus to her car. Tracy, ryan, jeremy, and I had dinner together. It was pretty fun. haha. Those kids are crazy hilarious. Then we came back and Tracy and I took showers and then I went online to talk to my love and caitlin and eddie and played scrabble and watched the office. Good Stuff. People were messing around in the hall and I socialized here and there with neighbors. Pretty cool.

And that is a normal day for me!

I want to try and write about different days so that I can re-read this stuff in the future.

peace!

Spur of the Moment with My loved Ones

So if I had the time and the money, I would drive home as often as possible. But! I have class Sunday through Friday so that would not work at all :(

But this last sunday! I had lunch with Veronica which was AWESOME! because the food was good, Veronica treated me(she has been extremely generous and gracious the whole time I've been here and I love her for that) and we just had some really good conversation. It was very nice :)

I had dance but it ended at 6 and no class on monday and no class on tuesday since we got this crazy death threat, and I didn't have class until Wednesday at 2pm SO!! Before dance I packed clothes and things for the next few days and drove down to LA that night and spent the night with my love. And then mid-day we drove down to San Diego to pick up some things and run errands.

Let me tell you that it was AMAZING! :D The ride down was so so amazing because Brandon drove with me and we listened to music that we both like :) And I always get to introduce him to music that he hasn't heard and he tells me what he likes and doesn't like. Most of the time he has never heard of the music that I show him which I kind of love! Because if he pretended to like the music I like or pretended that he already knew the artist that I showed him, I would be able to tell. I've dealt with people like that. I can see right through it! If you've never heard of a band that I love or don't like them as much as I do, then thats fine! I really hate it when people pretend to. Its really easy to tell. I had a friend in school who did that. I was really close to calling her out. ANYWAY!! GETTING OFF TOPIC!

Got to San Diego and hung out with Catie :D Oh how I love my kitten. She was cracking me up the whole time and we took her to the store and got some donuts with her. Amazing. But then she had job training until like 6pm :(

Then we went home and helped my mom with some stuff and spent time with them. And watched tv :D Oh I missed my television. TV was awesome. And THEN! I had some snuggley time with Brandon and we watched more tv! haha! And then my dad got home and then eddie got there and then Brandon, Eddie, and I went and bought food which was REALLY fun!!

And I was so happy to see that Brandon and Eddie were getting along. I almost cried of happiness. I things have been a mess but the fact that they pulled it together for me and made it a good atmosphere was absolutely amazing.

Then we picked up catie with the food and went home and ate it all together :)

I couldn't have asked for anything better. My family was there, my best friend was there, and my love was there <3 and we all ate and talked and had a good time. I don't know if I have ever been more thankful to be around the people I care about.

Then after spending what felt like 5 minutes with all of them Brandon and I drove back to LA.
I had some stuff I had to do during the day and then I was going to drive back to Santa Cruz that night.

BUT! HAHA! Then I remembered that I didn't have class until Wednesday at 2pm so I decided to stay another night. :)
The next morning we woke up and I went to the stores I needed to go to and did the stuff I needed to do and I took Brandon to breakfast with my IHOP giftcard. A simple meal with him where I am able to just talk to him and have some good food is just amazing.

And Brandon had some stuff he wanted to do on WoW so while he did that, I did some homework that was due the next day. It really all worked out because I could print it at his house too :) Its a hassle to print here at school.

Then! After he finished his WoW thing and I finished my hw. I took a shower and he bought me dinner :D And we brought it back to his house and had slurpee's and dinner and watched Easy A (which he bought for me). Then I woke up around 6 in the morning and drove back to Santa Cruz. And the drive is actually really really nice. I didn't die of boredom like I thought I did.
Oh I have never enjoyed doing simple things so much as I did these last few days.

I really loved every second I got with Brandon. I really loved hanging out with eddie and my family too. They all make me laugh so much.

I was extremely homesick the week before and seeing all of them made me feel like it was going to be okay. Like I could breathe again. I came back to Santa Cruz with a different attitude.

I was scared of not having a home when I go back to San Diego. I realized something though. The people I care about might change some, and things may not exactly be the same when I go back but they will always be there to hold me when I go back. I will always love them and they will love me.

I decided to drive down in the spur of the moment. And I think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.

Thank you for these last few days God :) I need to learn how to trust you more.

Goodnight

For Now

I finished my hw about 15 mins ago and got dressed for the gym because after I eat with Tracy I need to go get my car and move it. And then hopefully go hit the gym since I have nothing else to do.

My classes are SUPER easy. For now anyway. So much free time. Brandon gave me a few movies to watch and he bought me Easy A which I thought was hilarious haha :) Apparently a lot of people didn't like that movie.

Here is what is currently on my to do list:

-Laundry even though I just did laundry. I'm not exactly sure how that works out.

ahh lunch with Tracy!

I'll finish this later.

Happy At the Moment

I had kind of a crappy morning. I woke up late. My fault of course. My eyes were puffy from crying.

My makeup workshop was at 12. I went out to the bustop at 11:30 and decided that I would wait until 11:45 for the bus to comeand if it didn't come by then, then I would walk. Unfortunately the workshop was on the other side of campus :(

I waited until 11:50 for the bus to come and it didn't so I decided to start walking. Then I got lost :( Of course. And I took a shower before I left and I was sweating because I was running to try to get there on time. It was horrible... I almost broke down and gave up.

BUT! I got there and they hadn't started or settled down yet so I felt better when I got there.

There was a social at 3 but it was too much of a hassle to get there so I decided not to go.

I'm glad I decided not to go though :)

I'm glad because then I got online and my boyfriend really cheered me up.

We talked and he showed me some youtube videos and was being the cheerful one. It really helped me a lot and made me feel better. And now we are chatting and playing scrabble :) I'm in a good place right now and for the moment I'm not homesick or anything else and I'm just having a good time spending some time with Brandon. We aren't together physically but for now this will do. He can cure most things <3

Jot

Just thought I'd jot down a few things. I just got back to my room from breakfast with tracy, linelle, jeremy and ryan. We had some nice convo going. I was only up this early because I had a class at 8am. After this I'm going back to sleep before my 2 oclock class ha!

Marina was here when I got back and she made the room smell like soap somehow. @.@ Its kind of bothering me. But I get the room to myself for the next 3 days because we have a 3 day weekend. I technically have a 4 day weekend. We don't have class on Monday and I don't have class on Tuesday because some student graffitied threats on one of the humanities building and it said that he was going to do something violent on the 18th which is Tuesday. I only have stats that day anyway. She said that she would be there if we wanted to go to class and I know it might sound like I'm just trying to NOT go to class but I feel like psycho kids mean that stuff seriously. If the kid who made those threats was in any way serious about it, I don't want to risk my life for a statistics class so I think I'm not going to go.

Plans for today. Sleeping until 1:30 then going to my 2pm World Society class. Then I have dance at 5 and I'll probably get dinner after that and steal some food for the weekend. After that I'll probably take a shower and hang out with some people and go online and stuff. The normal shmormal. Still get homesick sometimes. Last night I dreamt about being with my mom and with Catie. I really miss them. I've been ignoring phone calls from my mom and my dad so that I don't have to talk to them. Its too hard. I haven't told my mom that I get homesick. I thinking telling her outloud would just make it worse. I can't keep talking about this or I'll start crying again.

Tracy just stopped by. She wants to do laundry with me later which is a very good idea.

Marina is all packed and ready to be picked up by her boyfriend. So jealous that she gets to go home whenever she wants :(

I hope I don't have a long weekend ahead of me. I need to try and stay busy or I'll just stay in my room and cry all day. Ugh. Hopefully I can hang out with Caitlin. I miss herrrrrrr. I haven't seen her in so long.

Ran Out

I hate it when I run out of things to do on the internet. I have a semi-busy day tomorrow. I have to wake up at 7:30 argh. Its only an hour long class. After that I'm going to get breakfast with tracy and then probably come back here and go back to sleep. Then wake up at 1:30 and go to my World Society class. Then I have dance at 5-8. And then probably just hang out in the dorms and socialize with everyone.

My homesickness is improving but its not gone yet. Talking to people helps. Like i just talked to eddie for awhile and that really helped. When I'm talking to Marissa or mayte or Brandon that helps too. I'm going to go read for awhile. Or until i feel like I can fall asleep at some point.

Caitlin might come to see me next Tuesday!!! YAAY! I would love that. I need some more familiar faces. I miss home :(

I REALLY need to do laundry. yargh.

Homesick

Homesick again :(

Maybe because I don't have anything else to do. Its not as bad as it usually is though. I don't feel like I'm going to cave in on myself like before but I really really want to go home. :'(

I used to really stress out and worry about the loans and whether or not we'd be able to get them. But now I don't really care if we get them or not... Sometimes I secretly hope that they won't go through so that I can just go home.

This is horrible. ugh....

I'm going to try to sleep it off.

At least when I'm sleeping I can be with brandon sometimes.

Better

I feel a lot better when I can fully grasp that its not the end of the world. When I can realize that I'm not going to be here forever and that my family will still be there when go back I feel good.

I was just talking to ivonne. She is so flipping awesome. She is religious too but she is Christian. BUT! We still get along really well and we have stats together so we can help each other out.
She is columbian but she loves mexico for some reason. She wants to go to TJ this weekend because its a three day weekend. I am SOO TEMPTED to go but I really can't afford it. And I have things I have to do this weekend. Well mostly I just have dance that I can't miss because they are grading based on attendance and we have a makeup workshop that we have to go to if we want to perform.

Anyway I feel a lot better. I had dinner with ryan and tracy. Love tracy. Ryan is pretty cool too.

I am SO glad that I have Brandon. I feel like I'm still getting the full experience except that I don't have to worry about other guys trying to move in because I can just casually mention my beloved boyfriend and it stays strictly friend basis. Which is still cool cause they are cool with being friends!!

Anyway I'm procrastinating on some hw I have due tomorrow. So Peace for now

Scared

68 days until I can go home...

What if I never learn to make this my new home? :( What if I always feel like I'm ready to go home...

Which doesn't make sense because I haven't found anything bad about this place... My classes are great. The people are fantastic. Its beautiful up here.

But it just isn't home. I mean it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet so I know I probably still have time to get used to this being my home.

What I'm really scared of right now is that I miss home so much. Everything about it. Even the bad stuff.
What if I go home and everything is so foreign to me that it isn't the home I remembered. What if things change so much that when I go back to san diego looking for what I once called home and it isn't there. Even worse, what if I go back and I don't feel like its home anymore, and I never got used to calling santa cruz my home. Then I have no home.

If things don't get better by spring, then maybe this just wasn't meant to be.

wow okay I have to stop talking about this. I'm getting depressed. bye

To Do

So I'm not up to much right now. I have things to do tomorrow. Here is the list of things to do tomorrow:

- Go to the office and get my laundry card because I need to do a load of laundry and I apparently need this card that everyone has and I don't have one.

- Read for statistics

- Read and do questions for World Society and then print out the questions.

- Buy make up for the workshop I have to go to for dance.

- Move my car to where alexis has hers on high street. MUST do that tomorrow. It should be a nice walk

- Make it to class on time at 6pm which is the only one I have tomorrow :)

- Ask alexis where trash bags are.

Thats about it I think. I don't really know what else to write about.

Alexis just walked in. Tomorrow is nav's birthday so she had Marina and I sign a card. I was too lazy to ask her about the trash bags LOL! I get so lazy sometimes.

I am homesick again. Argh. I just need to hold on. Two months. Thats it! Not so bad. I can't keep talking about this or I'll start crying. I'm just going to focus on the office for now. Maybe go on groove shark for a bit. So having a bon iver phase right now.

bye!

Snuggling

I miss snuggling with Brandon :(

The last day we had together was particularly snuggly. We played mario party and had lunch and snuggled all day.

He shouldn't fret though. Although that is much easier said than done because I ache for him a lot too. Because we have gone long periods of time without seeing each other. We've done it before. We can do it again. <3 We will be fine sweetheart. I love you and my heart is not swaying away from you at all.

It really made my day yesterday when we talked and you were in a good mood the whole time :) I am happy when you are happy. I am sad when you are sad. I know this is hard. I know...

Hopefully you can visit <3 I can show you around. :) I hope you feel better soon. I love you!

Hard Time

I had a realization. Not a HUGE HUGE one. But a realization at that. Yes I get homesick from time to time still. But here is the thing. I am not going to be here forever.

I'm not going to be here forever.

And thinking about that makes it a little more easy to trudge on. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my love. I miss my dog.

But I have a lot to keep myself distracted here. I just can't let it bring me down. I must go on! I will get visits from friends. I will get to see my family in march. Two months! Thats it. I can go home in March for Spring break. Not that bad. I can do this.

Sopping with Tracy

I feel kind of better in a way. I think mostly because I'm too exhausted to feel anything but being tired.

I just got back from shopping with tracy. I just got enough for for the next month or so for the weekends since I'm on the 5 day plan. I got everything for like 25 dollars too! Very proud. I had to wake up kind of early to go with her though. I fell asleep a little before 4 and woke up at like 9:30 to go with her.

I feel better when I hang out with her! She is a good distraction from being homesick. I feel like I've known her for years. I feel like we will get really close and hang out a lot. She is a really awesome person. Anyway. Veronica wanted to hang out today and show me around. I told I would go with her at 3.

Except! She wanted to go earlier but I was shopping with Tracy so I told her maybe later. Veronica is the type of person who could let that discourage her from hanging out today. So I don't know if she will respond to my text message. We'll see. I hope she can give me a ride to Church tomorrow too because I dont' want to have to figure out how to get there on the bus. I'm too lazy and I'll probably have to walk and I'm still sick. I'm coughing a lot still and blowing my nose. I hope I don't get Tracy sick.

Anyway I still miss everyone but I'm sure I will adapt and love this place even more with time. Its beautiful here and everyone is really welcoming so I shouldn't have any problems.

Dance was so fun! I'm a little rusty but I'm catching on again pretty fast. They have a club and go to conferences and perform and stuff too. You have to ask and fill out forms to perform but I shouldn't have any problems with that. I think they do that because there are a lot of people in the class and its clear that some of them are just taking it as a class and thats it. I don't think they are looking into the club that is involved with the class or performing. They just want it as a class.

I, however, would love to become involved in that. They are all very nice and the girl who teaches knows what she is doing. Love it. Can't wait to do more of that.

If veronica decides that 3pm works for hanging out with her then I need to get my nap on because 3pm will approach faster than I think while I'm asleep.

Peace!

Miss

I think the thing I miss most is my love...

I think that what pains me is knowing that I can't just go for a drive to go see him. What makes me feel broken is that seeing him whenever I please is undo-able.

I don't know why I thought that Marina being gone would be kind of nice seeing as I would have the room to myself. Why did I think that?!?

I hardly know her. We have nothing in common. She is very nice though and we get along okay. Good roommate. But I need her...

When she is here I don't have a private place to go to where I can just cry because I want to be home.

With her gone I have my own hole of misery. Alone with no one to comfort me. I can just sit here and cry and cry .

With Marina gone my fumbling hands that were struggling to hold my homesick self together just surrender completely.

I know I'll get over this....I've gone through this before....

But I feel so broken :'(

My life has changed dramatically and I have in a way lost everything.

I wish I could visit home like everyone else. I wish I could just spend an hour with my family.

I feel like there is a gash inside of me and I'm doing all I can to stop the blood from gushing out. With Marina gone, I have no strength to not let it rip me apart.

I never let myself go because there was always someone watching. But marina isn't coming back until Sunday and until then I will just have to distract myself and cope. I will have to try to hold myself together. I don't know how successful I will be but I will try.

I wish I could be in Brandon's arms. Everything is perfect there. I can be there and feel like I don't need anything else. Hearing him cry just really broke my heart. I feel selfish for leaving him. I want so badly to be with him right now. I don't care if he snores. I just want to be with him. I want to be safe.

I'm going to try to stop crying and go to sleep. I'm supposed to wake up in 6 hours to go with Tracy to the store. God bless her. She is such a sweetheart and we get along REALLY well. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her.

Life

My new life. Its going good actually :) I'm getting better so thats good. I LOVE hanging out with Tracy. She is super duper awesome. We are going to go to the dollars store tomorrow. I just finished applying to some jobs.

Dance was SO FUN!!! I loved it. I can't wait to get involved with that. I've been meeting lots of really cool people.

I have the room to myself tonight since Marina goes home on the weekends. Pretty awesome.

I feel like I have more to say but I'm tired so I'm going to watch a movie and go to bed eventually. I want to wake up at the same time as Tracy so that we can do our thang tomorrow.

PEACE!

Still Sick

Gah I'm still sick which really sucksssss. :( Cause I have to blow my nose all the time.

Also I'm kind of bored because I don't have any homework yet and I don't have much to do. I'll go to the gym at some point but I don't have class until 6pm!!! So late! What the heck do I do all day? I haven't eaten yet I suppose. I've been having two meals per day hahaa. Why you ask? I wake up late and then I have this brunch kind of thing and then I have dinner at around 5 or 6 and then its too late to go back again. So bam. I mean its kind of a waste of money that i'm spending on it but I guess someone will eat it.

I'm going to actually miss the breakfast foods because they put out lunch at 11:45. Marina just left for her first class. I'm hungry. Maybe I'll go eat right now.

Good Morning!

Marina and I woke up give or take about a half an hour ago. We are going to go eat breakfast soon. I have a class at 2 but thats it for today. I'm going to try to go to the gym after that and then come back to my dorm and take a shower and then maybe dinner. We shall see! Our dining hall closes at 7 though.
I ate at college nine and ten's dining hall last night. I need to get a lanyard too for my card like Marina I think or I'll lose it X.X

Most people here are from around here. I met a guy last night that was from Santa Ana which is VERY close to where my love lives.




ARGH!! Just came back form brunch with marina. She wanted to take the stairs and I am SO out of shape. 5 flights of stairs gah.

So I should have more time to write now that I have tons of freedom. I'll be back later I suppose. I need to bring all the boxes I used down the the recycle bin.

peace :)

Change and Adjustment

Well I'm not sure what the difference between being homesick and what I'm feeling is. Heck maybe I'm homesick! Don't get me wrong. This place is BEAUTIFUL! And everyone is SO SO nice and I have freedom. I love it all. I'm just ready to go home for awhile now though. I don't feel sad when I think about it but I just feel like, "This was really cool but I'm ready to go hang out with my family now. I'll be back later when I get sick of home." But I can't do that.

One thing I'm getting used to is the lack of privacy. I was originally a bit skeptical about having the top bunk but I got very lucky I think.
1. I don't have to make my bed or in other words I don't have to worry about my messy bed being seen by others.

2. I wanted to nap today and marina was on her computer and every now and then people would come in to see her BUT since I have the top bunk, I can nap without worrying about people seeing me while I sleep which I would prefer to not happen haha. its awesome.

3. I can lie up there alone to my thoughts. And surprisingly it is one of the most private areas that I have to myself.

There are people everywhere! I can't walk down the hallway without running into someone. I live with someone. I can't go to the bathroom or take a shower alone. I don't have the option of doing my own thing solitarily. Which also means that I can't wear the same shirt 3 days in a row LOL! Or not care that I look like crap. Like I do at home. Because there are people everywhere!

The bathroom bothers me a bit. The guys leave the toilet seat up. And when I'm on my period I don't want to have to worry about them hearing the wrappers to my pads or tampons which I already try to avoid when its only females. But I'm going to have to adjust.

I mean Its not that I want to avoid people, I just can't go anywhere without being by myself. I don't really have that option anymore.

Everyone is really really cool here though. I feel like I've known them forever.

Anywho. Only day one of actually living here so I have much more to come :)

I miss my family and friends already and of course I miss my love. He is having a really hard time with this. I hate seeing him in pain. :'( I hope it will get better.

This is all for now I suppose. I will just hover around online for awhile or until Marina sleeps. I'm watching the office too so that is passing some time. I dont' have homework yet.

Bye bye!

Why

Dear Eddie,

I'm really sorry for the way I acted tonight :'( I know I'm a bitch for rubbing it in your face like that but I didn't know any other way to approach it. You have to understand that I'm not mad at you. You didn't seem to believe me. :(

I was really looking forward to hanging out with you yesterday the whole day because it was the last time I was going to see you.
I wasn't mad or upset about the thing at jose's house either because I figured we'd be hanging out before that at least so that we could really hang out since we had the whole day. But then I found out that the whole day for you was at 5pm and with 5 or 6 other people. Which any other day I wouldn't have minded but it was the last time I was going to see you in particular and I didn't envision it that way :(
And then you didn't go to raf's house which I wasn't mad at you about either but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye at all. And none of it is your fault because technically you didn't do anything wrong but I just really felt unimportant and forgotten for the last day I was going to see my best friend. I thought we were close enough friends that you would want to spend the whole day with me for the last time we were going to see each other but I just felt stupid for feeling like that. And I could see that you weren't making a huge deal out of it so I felt stupid for getting upset about it. I felt you didn't really care. I know thats not true though. Its just me.

On top of that I had a really crappy day today. :'( I had to deal with my mom a few hours while she was grumpy and I fought horribly all day with catie through texting and at some point in the afternoon she said something that made me think she killed herself. And when I pleaded her to not hurt herself she didn't respond for a few hours. I cried hysterically for awhile thinking that she actually did kill herself. Probably the worst few hours of my life. I almost thought about ending myself if she had done anything because literally I don't think I could live without her. Tom started to drive me up to her boyfriends house so that I could see if she was okay since she wasn't responding. She finally did on our way up so then we turned around. By the time I got home I was just so worn out and exhausted and I hadn't gotten anything done at all. During those few hours I was in pure hell thinking that Catie had done something to herself :'(

None of this was your fault but mentally and physically I felt like old grated cheese and I didn't want to hang out with you like that because I wasn't fully me, but I thought it would be the last time I would see you so I had to tough it out because I wanted the time with you.

I chose to deal with it the way I did tonight instead of sobbing about something stupid in front of you.

I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight. I would have said this to your face except for a) I'm a coward b) I wouldn't have been able to explain it without crying my way through it and c) I didn't want it to be a big deal.


I'm sorry.

Catie

I love you so much but every time you do something like this it hurts me :'( I feel like you are running with a knife and you stab me on accident but you don't think it hurts so you just keep going.

I don't agree with what dad was doing but you shouldn't have just left like that. You still can't do whatever you want and you have to understand that we can't trust you. It doesn't mean that we don't love you and I think thats how you take it. It does mean however that dad is going to be annoying. So get over it.

Your actions affect the whole family. You stab everyone with a knife when you do these things. And mom feels like she gets the biggest knife.

You act like you don't care what we think. You don't care how we respond. You just do whatever you want stabbing us over and over again.

When you sent me that text message it sounded like you were happy that you got into a fight with dad so that you had an excuse to leave. That hurt me too.

I know that dad wants to trust you but you keep making it so he doesn't. You KNEW that he would not tolerate you and junior sleeping in the same bed. But you didn't care and you did it anyway. You just did whatever you wanted. Thats why he acted the way he did when you two were watching the movie. That was your fault. Not his.

But thanks again Catie. Thanks for stabbing us again so that you could get what you wanted. I hope you're happy now. Go run free in some flowers or something.

This totally made my day by the way. I'm going to be walking around bleeding all day until you fix this. Thanks again.

GAH! FAST

These last two days passed by so fast. I feel like it was Wednesday an hour ago.

Today was a really good day! I'm glad I got to spend time with everyone. I can't believe I"m officially leaving in less than a week now...

I need to just keep breathing.

I feel so heavy though :'( So much food. Sometimes I don't know how people can look at me. I feel like a baby seal...

I'm so tired. But I just wanted to state that today was a good Christmas :)

Thanks God <3

Better

I feel a lot better. We came to an understanding. A truce if you will. I'm looking forward to the next 5 days a lot. So many people to see. I love them all so much!

I have nails now :3 And they are quite lovely!! He did them in 15 mins!!! Crazy! I was at the salon for 25 mins!! Usually I'm there for at least an hour and a half.

I figured out why I've felt extra fat recently too. I had cramps this morning and Catie just had her period which means mine is in the horizon. Which really SUCKS!! Because I bought this really really cute dress for Christmas and I don't fit into it right now because I"m bloated ugh. What a waste.. I'll be able to wear some other time I guess. But I really wanted to wear it for Christmas :'( Damn period symptoms. I feel like a big blob of fatness. gah. Here is a picture of the exact one I got. It fit me a week ago. what a fail.

Okay well besides that Everything is good. I have to get ready for Christmas Eve.

ta ta!!

Angry

So fine. More than half of what you write is sad, depressing, or angry. Guess who's angry now? Guess who is hurt now?
So you get to hear me rant now.
And if you don't want to here my freaking excuses then fine don't read this.

There are always two sides to every story. Sometimes I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right for you! It makes me feel like the crappiest girlfriend ever when I really do try without losing myself. :'(

Why you didn't come to lunch with us. It was NOT my thing :( I can't just invite you to things that are planned by other people. Of course I would have loved to have lunch with you too. It was NOT that I didn't want to include you.

Why are you still with me if I make you feel unwanted or unincluded? I don't get it. If I hurt you so much all the time then why do you still want to be with me. I live two hours away from you and we can't do everything together. I'm sorry that I wasn't born in LA.

The second night I went to jose's I got invited the day of, a few hours before it happened. And I even stayed at home with you for 3 hours on the computer so that we could have time together before I went over. Not my fault :(

I'm not going to get to see these people again for a really long time so I'm trying to see them when I can. If I could spend more of it spending time with you, I would but I can't afford 25 dollars a trip to go up to see you whenever I want.

And I brought you to the zoo once. I didn't know you wanted me to bring you again :'( I know we didn't get to see that many animals because it got dark fast but I don't remember you asking me to bring you back :( I will bring you again when I have the chance okay? So don't get mad at me for not inviting you to the zoo. PLUS I didn't even know if I was going to be able to go for sure. And it was just Catie and I. I didn't invited every other person I know except for you. Why would I do these things? I'm your girlfriend. I love you :'( Why would I want to NOT invite you places and exclude you from things? I don't understand what operates in your mind that makes you think that I do these things to you on purpose.

I don't understand why you are so upset that you haven't hung out with my friends so much either because I have only met two of your friends. Greg by accident for like 1 hour and then sal but he was with his gf. Thats it...

I invite you to things when I can :'( My mom loves you. Dominic loves you. My dad loves you. Catie loves you.

I was really really looking forward to those three days with you :'( i love spending time with you so much... But if you don't want me to come then fine. Its not like you wanted me all three days anyway.

And while I'm pretty pissed off right now. I am GOING to get those tattoos. I don't care if you won't like them. Why can't you just support me :'(

If it makes you happy, you can have your dumb motorcycle but I dyed my hair and I WILL get those tattoos.

I feel like I do so much for you but apparently its not enough and it hurts.

It hurts that I can't provide for the person that means most to me in this world. It hurts that by just being me, I hurt you.

I feel like I'm punching myself in the chest because you are apart of me and when you hurt, I hurt.

Listen to me. I do love you. So much. But this is madness. You can't get upset over every little thing. Its cutting at me. I feel like someone is scraping the outside of my heart.

Usually I pick my battles with you when you get upset about ridiculous things but its hurting me. SO GET OVER IT! For me. Do it for me.... please.... I feel like I'm really losing myself by changing things for you like not talking about certain people.... I'm tired of feeling guilty for hanging out with my friends.

I'm so upset and angry and hurt right now. Just like you didn't want me to talk to you for more than half a day because you were upset, I don't want to talk to you either which is why I left.

I'm tired and exhausted and had to go Christmas shopping for my mom for the last 4 hours and I'm done with this tonight. I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you.

Three Forty Eight

Its 3:48 in the morning. Its POURING outside. It sounds just lovely though. I could sit in a glass room while it was raining forever I think.

My dad should be waking up soon.

There are a few things I want to write about except that I'm going to pass out any second. So much to do. So little time.

My next week is basically gone :(

Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family.
Christmas Day with my mom's.
26th with Brandon's family and 27th is his birthday. <3 And the 28th for time together.
Then it will be the 29th!! And I have to pack and leave 3 days after that D:

My hair won't die bleach blond :( I think it won't go past this weird orangey yellow color. I'm going to put the dye in tomorrow.

Top 3 people I'm going to miss when I leave (Not in any particular order)
1. Brandon. My love and best friend. I love you. I really appreciate you doing your part in keeping us together. I'm going to miss you when I leave :'( I'm almost glad that we have a long distance relationship. Going from seeing you everyday to once every few months would kill me completely. I'm used to not seeing you for long periods of time but I know that the months will seem like years like they did once before. I promise I will write about the day we spent together. I'm just so tired right now haha. I will video chat you and send you lots of love in many ways <3

2. Catie I love you so much kitten :( You're my best friend. I see you every day. I live with you! We laugh all the time and do everything together. I don't know how I'm going to handle being without you. It sounds sick and twisted. Who am I going to make fun of all the time! Who's going to poke me so I squeal!! Who am I going to lie on top of in the morning to wake you up!! I really hope you have a good experience at job corps. Love you <3

3. Eddie :( My other best friend.... We have some really freaking good times eddie. We've grown closer this last year and I'm going to miss you a lot too. I don't think its fully hit me yet. I think after 2 weeks of not seeing you my brain is going to get confused and start looking for you. We will keep in touch for sure. You can always make me laugh. And of course you know that you're close to my heart too and I do have love stored for you. I can always count on you.

There are my top 3. Of course I'm going to miss my family and my dogs and lots of other things but those three things are making me worry the most. I'm clinging to them these last days as much as I can.

Okay I'm falling asleep involunarily now. sure I didn't spell that right.

night

Drunk

I'm going to have to write drunk another time because nothing is really coming to me. mayte is lying down next to me super drunk too. I feel sad that my lesbian lover marina isn't coming to the US. thats the only thing I can think of right now.

MAYTE ALMOST FELL OVER LOL!!!

GOOD MOOD

I am in the best mood right now yay!! In the best mood I've been in for awhile :D

Firstly: work got cancelled again. Yay!
and I shouldn't be happy about that because I need money for school...

BUT WAIT WAIT NO! I may not have to use a dime from the money I saved up because I GOT 20,000 dollars IN FINANCIAL AID! WHAT!!

Ahahahha :D So awesome!!!

And then I called OLP to see what I have to do to get my transcripts sent to UCSC and they said I don't even have to drive there! haha!!!!! I just told them my name and the year I graduated and the school I wanted it sent to and bam done.

haha yaaaa good moood.

Also I'm watching 'The Fat Guy Strangler' episode of Family Guy again. :D

Also I'm hanging out with friends today :D

Also I think I get to see Brandon tomorrow :D

Also Marissa is coming home on Sunday. :D

Ahhh this is nice. :)

God gave me this good day and I'm going to juice it for all its worth!
Thank you God :)
I love you!

-mag

p.s. I still love you on bad days too. Don't worry. And I'm sorry I missed church last sunday :'(

Watching Kids

So I'm watching my mom's students right now. I have a pretty good view of everyone. They have exactly 1 hour and 35 mins from now to finish their final.
I thought I could take this time to bust out one of my mom's laptops and get some writing in.

That girl that helped me with my math is here. She is so nice and she really helped me out with my final. I ended up getting a B for that class too :)

My head hurts from crying myself to sleep last night.
I'm so terrified for Brandon and I. I know that we love each other as deep as anyone could love another person, but we are having problems with communication. Thats not the only problem but it would help if we communicated the same way. Whether I move farther away or not, we are struggling more and more. As much as I love him and he loves me, I know that there is at least someone better for him. He gets so angry when I say that but its true.


I am sooo hungrry.. I haven't eaten anything. So hungrrryyyy.

my mom doesn't have any good food in here. She has cans of beans, salsa, and marshmallows. What am I supposed to do with that? I've been munching on the mallows for a bit but its making me sick. I want some real food. I've been here since 10.

I was panicking not too long ago because my parents credit is super crappy and the bank denied my loan :( And then it was bye bye school. AGAIN. It would have sucked to have been accepted twice and not be able to go.

But my mom just looked at me and said, "Don't worry. We will work it out"

And so I think I'm good but I don't know for sure. Its still stressing me out.

I'll be back in a bit. My mom wants me to go buy us some lunch.

-mag

Trying

Words cannot express how much I love you.
I don't know what it is that changed between us.
I can't seem to do much to make you happy.
But I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.
You frustrate me. I frustrate you.
I feel like we are two elements that found each other in the perfect season.
We moved onto the next season and we were still spectacular.
We moved to the third season and we were still happy.
Then the fourth season hit us and we were not ready.
You reacted differently than I did.
I do not cope with this weather in the same way you do.
This season just wears us out.
Our love has not died.
It was immobile the whole time.
It did not lessen.
It did not disappear even by a pinch.
But where we are at, it is harder.
I'm trying though. I really am.
I guess like you said that if it doesn't get better by the end of the month, then our time is up.
Never think that I don't love you, because I do.
Never think that I'm just giving up.
I will let you go for both of us.
Maybe the space will help us someday in the future if we cross paths again in the right season.
I cannot predict the future.
Most things I do, because I want the best for you.

Schedule

24 days. I leave in 24 days. Kind of scary. Thats about 3 weeks.

Well I got my classes :) And here is what my schedule will look like. I'm really excited.

Monday:
SOC 103 10am-12pm
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 6-8pm

Tuesday:
LEADERSHIP 10-11:45am
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Wednesday:
SOC 15 2-3:10pm

Thursday:
SOC 103 6-7:45pm

Friday:
SOC 15 8-9:10am
SOC 15 2-3:10pm
DANCE 5-8pm

Saturday:
Nuthin! woop

Sunday:
DANCE 3-6pm

Pretttyyy chill :)

Really excited

Jello

Busy weekend ahead.

Been thinking a lot. Its been harder for me to sleep. Like now for instance. I think I got like 6 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired in the slightest. Marina is so gorgeous. I wish I could be as half as pretty as she is. Most of the time I want to be prettier but then I'm glad that I'm not prettier afterwards.

I have some theories.
If I'm too pretty then what kind of people would I attract? That would worry me.
If I'm too ugly then I don't attract anyone unfortunately. Thats how this society works. Its disgusting but its the truth.

I mean obviously I'm not perfect in the don't judge a book by its cover thing but I try.

So here is my theory.
Why did I not get any attention from guys at all in high school and before?
Answer: Too ugly. my eyebrows were gross my hair was gross my face was gross. I was overweight.

How did it become that I got attention after that and all the way until now?
Answer: Well kids. I groomed it up. I wore more makeup. I did something different with my hair. I'm not AS overweight as I was. I fixed my crazy eyebrows. My face cleared up a bit. I became decent looking. Not ugly but not pretty either.

THIS attracts guys like flies. I read an article that marissa sent me about online dating. In the article it showed that women that were rated 'average looking' got more messages than the 'ugly ones' or the 'extremely good looking ones'.

My theory: Guys feel safer approaching the average. They think 'Hey at least she isn't ugly'. Unless they are extremely good-looking themselves, they don't feel safe approaching the girls that are actually pretty. They fear rejection. They are intimidated. And without having to say so, they don't approach the 'ugly ones' because they would rather have someone better looking.

SO the safest bet for guys is the average looking female. They can play it safe that way.
Since I moved up to the average level I've been hoarding them in like flies to raw meat.
It was flattering at first but then it just gets annoying.

Another theory: The more unattractive the girl is, the further they might be able to go. Such a shameful thing to think but some guys are jerks like that.

Anyway. So in some ways I wish I was prettier so that I could get someone to listen to me. But I see superficialness in everyday relations all the time. Everyone knows a guy who is nicer to the girl that is prettier. Everyone knows its easier to forgive someone who looks better. The physical appeal makes things a whole lot easier for people.

But maybe too easy. I would hate if someone was nice to me only because of how I looked. I would be angry.

Even if I was skinnier that would just be fantastic. I could buy way cuter clothes. I'm tired of being a medium or sometimes a large. I want to fit into something cuter.

I think way too much about everything. This barely scratches the surface.
I try not to care what people think about the way I look but I'm only human. I work on it.

I don't let how someone looks affect the way I treat them. I mean I'm not blind, I can tell when someone is attractive but if anything, the attractive people have to prove themselves harder to me.

I miss brandon. Haven't seen him in two weeks. I upset him today. I don't know what I did. He fell asleep. Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right for him no matter how hard I try. I thought I was being a really good girlfriend but I always seem to mess up somehow. I really try to be a good girlfriend. this isn't the easiest relationship in the world but I love him and I'm still trying. Hopefully he'll come around tomorrow. I really hope he can come to dinner on saturday.

I'm going to lie down and see if I fall asleep. I have a busy next few days ahead of me.