I still miss you.
I still think about you all the time.
I still wish things could have been different.
I feel like there is some kind of glitch in my brain that made me feel the way I do about us. Who in their right mind would throw away what we had for the reasons I had? There must be something wrong with me.
I still think about you constantly and ache for your presence.
I can still feel you in the pit of my chest and in my shaking hands.
I still feel like something is missing.
I still love you.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Momma Hugs
Momma came looking for me and saw me sobbing my eyes out and having my panic attack about everything. She held me and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. That the end of the world wasn't happening.
She told me that I was tired. Which was true. Exhausted from working all day and then going to school. She managed to fix everything. She is going to lie down for a few hours and I am too and then she is going to wake up with me and help me with my math. There are some things that only mom's can fix.
I love you momma.
She told me that I was tired. Which was true. Exhausted from working all day and then going to school. She managed to fix everything. She is going to lie down for a few hours and I am too and then she is going to wake up with me and help me with my math. There are some things that only mom's can fix.
I love you momma.
What If I can'tt
What if I can't do this :'(
What if trying to do two jobs and a math class was too much to ask of myself. But so many other people do it... Why can't I? :'(
What if I just fail this stupid class all over again. Then I'm just a failure at school. Maybe I'm not good enough for school either...
I have 4 hours to study for a test that is worth 240 points. I haven't had time to do anything...
I feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up. I can't do it by myself. I can't :'( I tried reading the stupid book and following the examples but that just confuses me even more... My mom tells me that she will come home and help me but really, she barely tries. She uses all of her energy on her students at school and I get the leftovers. I get the grumpy person that's been working all day long and I know what it feels like to be like that.
How come it comes so easily to everyone else? How come I'm the only one who doesn't understand right away and I've taken this class two times before... There must be something wrong with me. The guy next to me pulls everything off without even touching the homework... Its not fair :'(
I want to do amazing things as an adult. But I can't even do this. I can't even pass a normal level math class. How am I supposed to accomplish anything else.
What if trying to do two jobs and a math class was too much to ask of myself. But so many other people do it... Why can't I? :'(
What if I just fail this stupid class all over again. Then I'm just a failure at school. Maybe I'm not good enough for school either...
I have 4 hours to study for a test that is worth 240 points. I haven't had time to do anything...
I feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up. I can't do it by myself. I can't :'( I tried reading the stupid book and following the examples but that just confuses me even more... My mom tells me that she will come home and help me but really, she barely tries. She uses all of her energy on her students at school and I get the leftovers. I get the grumpy person that's been working all day long and I know what it feels like to be like that.
How come it comes so easily to everyone else? How come I'm the only one who doesn't understand right away and I've taken this class two times before... There must be something wrong with me. The guy next to me pulls everything off without even touching the homework... Its not fair :'(
I want to do amazing things as an adult. But I can't even do this. I can't even pass a normal level math class. How am I supposed to accomplish anything else.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Boy Pains
Now when I read about bella in new moon, I related to the pain she had in a way. I probably have never felt as devastated as she did but physical and emotional pain usually come hand in hand.
It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.
Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.
Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.
Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.
Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)
Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.
Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.
Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.
Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.
I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.
It can go both ways, where both of the people are in pain. ex: Brandon and I. Or it can go one way. Ex: Quite a few. I am going to make a list of all of the boys who have pained me emotionally which in turn pained me physically.
Guy number one:
Jackson :) That cutie pie. I was in third grade and his mom would take me and him out for pizza the whole time. We would tickle each other and he had the CUTEST laugh everrr. I got a glitter diary from book orders and drew a picture of me getting married to him in the back cover. Christina found it and showed everyone and of course it freaked him out and he stopped talking to me. I cried. The end.
Guy number two:
Daniel Colmenarez. I had a crush on this boy for 2 years. I was so ridiculously hideous in elementary school but sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes either I lead myself to believe that he liked me, or he did do things because he liked me. Or sometimes, because boys are stupid, they do things that make you think they like you but really they don't.
This was the first time that I ever went through that complication. Then he went out with a girl named adele and I could barely stand to look at either of them. I got this panicky feeling. for me it affects my hands and my chest. Like they shrivel up with instant pain. I eventually got over him. The pain was there but not really bad because technically I never really knew him all that well.
Boy number three: Curtis Bradshaw. Oh Curtis. The first boy who kissed me. I was 14. So young!! Amazing too by the way. So warm and soft. Lovely for a first kiss :)
Anyway, when tome found a girl to set him up with he took it. That hurt pretty bad. I wasn't goodlooking enough for him I guess. I cried a few times. I got that pain but it still wasn't too bad. I got over it.
Boy number four: Edwardo. Yes edward castro. I had never clicked with anyone as fast or as well as I did with eddie. We talked so much and laughed about everything, I just thought we would be a pretty awesome match. It was the first time I connected with someone on a further intellectual basis. After a few months I realized that he was planning on staying with roseanita forever and I was never going to be in the picture. That hurt pretty bad. I winced everytime I thought about it. Small pains that made me scrunch my nose and bite my tongue. They didn't seem right for each other and I didn't understand why they were still together. But then I came to the sad realization that I wasn't good enough once again. It took a little longer but I got over it and my relationship with eddie changed extremely. Eddie is like my brother now! Best friends for life :)
Boy number five: Fraser Davidson. I had fallen in LOVE with this boy. We talked for hours and then he convinced me to call him one day because his mom wouldn't let him stay on the copmuter after 9. SO CUTE! We talked for 3 hours everyday for a few weeks. Amazing. He was sooo funnnyyy. And super random. I have never talked to anyone as weird as he was. I'm positive he liked me but we both knew that any kind of relationship between us wouldn't last. I tried to hold onto what we had as long as I could. talking to him for hours was amazing. It eventually went to a few times a week and then once a week and then not at all. I saw him online every now and then but he moved on to a different girl to talk to. He got tired me. Something I figured would happen with most guys who became interested in me. It hurt. Getting over him took me a long time. He liked someone else better than me and I could feel when we lost what we had. He was so cute. He said the sweetest things to me. I missed him and thinking about him hurt my chest. I cried every once and a while because of how much I missed what we had together. Almost like we were boyfriend girlfriend but we weren't. He called me sweetie and watched out for me. He told me he would heal my wounds and how cute he thought I was. He used to call me magpie too. We texted a lot and everyday besides talking on the phone. A lot of people in the chat room where we met thought we were 'going out' when we would spend hours talking to each other. It took a few months to heal from him. Everytime he came into my mind, the ache in my chest and hands seared and made me cringe. The emotional pain caused the painful sears. I hated it.
I got over him though. And every now and then he still texts me to see how I'm doing and I'm glad that we are still friends. It doesn't hurt to think about him anymore.
Boy number 6: Brandon Sokol. Its hardly fair to put him in any category. He changed my world and heart and soul. He changed my life. Yes all the pervious boys caused me to have pain. Not to say that it was their fault. It only means that I felt pain over them. This boy was more than a boy. He was amazing. He was my everything. He was the only guy that I fell in love with that felt the same way and more about me. He gave me feelings that I'd never thought I'd feel and love and intimacy more unfathomable than you could ever imagine :) My pain was never his fault. The first I ever felt pain over this boy was when he left. He stopped talking to me all together. Without even knowing what he looked like or who he really was, like about his family or about where he was from, I had fallen completely in love with him. He was afraid I think. Of what would become of us. So he left. I was so heartbroken even though I had never met him. I cried and rolled up in a ball in my bed and hoped that he would come back to me. Horrible horrible pain. I had never felt so much emotional pain in my life. Any of the other pains that I had felt before didn't compare to this. He eventually came back and our love blossomed into the most beautiful part of my life so far. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything even though I know we can't be together now. I wouldn't do anything different. Being away from him for too long physically hurt me too. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I panicked every now and then. And then the pain of breaking up with him for the first time tore me apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold myself together. I felt like I Was being ripped open from the inside. I felt like nothing was real anymore. All I could feel was pure pain. I didn't last long before we got back together. I needed him to feel whole. I needed more preparation before being separated from him. There was one thing that helped the pain though. It didn't make the pain go away. It was more of a distraction. It was the only distraction that could replace the pain and push it away temporarily. And that leads me to boy number 7.
Boy number seven: Eric fonseca. Again, I have never met anyone like him in my life. He was so fascinating and so sweet to me. For a few weeks he texted me every day too. We would text all day until one of us fell asleep and then again the next day. Only lasted for a few weeks but it was nice. He did a lot of really nice things for me. He poked me and played with my fingers. He had so many interesting things to say and he seemed to like talking to me too. Of course I ended up having feelings for him. I told him. He knew. But he didn't feel the same way. Way confusing. I must really suck at reading signs, or he likes this other girl WAY better than me. I was angry for a bit and then I was just sad. I tried to convince myself that I am okay with it when really I'm not. I'm used to it though. Nothing I haven't been through. But it does hurt. I haven't cried or anything. But thinking about losing to another girl that was probably way better than me just really hurts. I lost again. I wasn't good enough. I have so much to offer but it wasn't enough. It hurts for several reasons very similar to that. It made me a little angry though. Because it means that he is lame at communicating with girls (flirting or giving false signs) OR he did like me but likes the other girl better OR he just lead me on for the hell of it. I would like to think it was the first one but he is smarter than that. In which case he is either a jerk or was using me as a rebound. Sucksss. He is like a big bruise on my arm right now. When I think about him being with that other better girl its like someone punches my bruise and I need a moment to recover.
Boy painsss suckkkk. I'll get over it. I deserve someone better but it doesn't mean that it is pain free going through something like this.
I hate being a mushy mushy sometimes. I like being a mushy mush but it hurts. Being a mushy much has its toll.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
How life is goin Right now
I make the most of all this stress
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freaking out
It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the sane
It's like a vine you can't untangle
I'm freaking out
I'm avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise?
I just relate to these parts. Thanks for some good lyrics :)
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freaking out
It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the sane
It's like a vine you can't untangle
I'm freaking out
I'm avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise?
I just relate to these parts. Thanks for some good lyrics :)
Good Timing
I have the craziest timing. A day before Eric goes into ‘a relationship’ I have my mini goodbye eric blog. Crazy. What a perfect time to have closure for myself though. I am very happy with the timing.
I DID have my moments though. I will admit that. There were a few weeks when I was sulky all of the time because I didn’t understand why he stopped texting me everyday and stuff like that. He would always tell me how much he liked spending time with me.
Anyway. I can honestly say that I am okay with it. The only thing that bugs me is that he didn’t just tell me that he didn’t like me like that. (which is really confusing because it seemed like he did). I am emotional but I am not fragile. I can handle the truth. He should have just said so. I didn’t think he was the type to say something nice to avoid telling the truth. These were his words:
“Oh mag :) Why do you get nervous? U shouldn’t be :o its just me, plain old Eric :D”
“Oh pfff because I like you, you dork. You don’t have to like me. I just wish I could act like myself when we hang out.”
“I like you a ton! But as a friend :o I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, sorry :( Maybe in time :) I’d really like you to act like yourself.
Okay commentary. The with time thing is misleading. Here are the two possibilities.
#1. He doesn’t like me as more than a friend and he was trying to be nice instead of telling me the truth. Thanks for watching out for me but I would have rathered that he had been completely honest.
I didn’t think he was the kind of person to mislead someone so much. This leads me to possibility #2
#2. The other possibility was that he did like me but he liked someone else more and he was waiting for some kind of response from her. Red flag from her would have meant that he could fall back on me. He was obviously getting green flags though. And they made it to the finish line.
Unfortunately both possibilities are strikes for me. I wouldn’t want anyone who would lie to me about something and I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. So in a way, an ‘us’ for me and Eric is pretty much gone. I am picky with character when it comes to guys. So if in the future he decided that he wanted a chance with me, he would have to prove himself harder than he did the first time, whether he was leading me on or not.
I would much rather that he did like me but liked the other girl better but I guess I will never know.
There were so many signs. So either I am just stupid or I am just not good enough for him. Booboo haha
Just getting all of this down into concrete words is pretty nice. I have careful judgments of character for everyone in my life. Not that mine is perfect in any way shape or form. But I try. I wish I could get all the things that I thought into words like this. I could fill books and books for just one day. I think later when I have time, I will write down all the reasons why I thought he liked me. Just because I like researching this kind of thing :)
I DID have my moments though. I will admit that. There were a few weeks when I was sulky all of the time because I didn’t understand why he stopped texting me everyday and stuff like that. He would always tell me how much he liked spending time with me.
Anyway. I can honestly say that I am okay with it. The only thing that bugs me is that he didn’t just tell me that he didn’t like me like that. (which is really confusing because it seemed like he did). I am emotional but I am not fragile. I can handle the truth. He should have just said so. I didn’t think he was the type to say something nice to avoid telling the truth. These were his words:
“Oh mag :) Why do you get nervous? U shouldn’t be :o its just me, plain old Eric :D”
“Oh pfff because I like you, you dork. You don’t have to like me. I just wish I could act like myself when we hang out.”
“I like you a ton! But as a friend :o I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, sorry :( Maybe in time :) I’d really like you to act like yourself.
Okay commentary. The with time thing is misleading. Here are the two possibilities.
#1. He doesn’t like me as more than a friend and he was trying to be nice instead of telling me the truth. Thanks for watching out for me but I would have rathered that he had been completely honest.
I didn’t think he was the kind of person to mislead someone so much. This leads me to possibility #2
#2. The other possibility was that he did like me but he liked someone else more and he was waiting for some kind of response from her. Red flag from her would have meant that he could fall back on me. He was obviously getting green flags though. And they made it to the finish line.
Unfortunately both possibilities are strikes for me. I wouldn’t want anyone who would lie to me about something and I refuse to be anyone’s rebound. So in a way, an ‘us’ for me and Eric is pretty much gone. I am picky with character when it comes to guys. So if in the future he decided that he wanted a chance with me, he would have to prove himself harder than he did the first time, whether he was leading me on or not.
I would much rather that he did like me but liked the other girl better but I guess I will never know.
There were so many signs. So either I am just stupid or I am just not good enough for him. Booboo haha
Just getting all of this down into concrete words is pretty nice. I have careful judgments of character for everyone in my life. Not that mine is perfect in any way shape or form. But I try. I wish I could get all the things that I thought into words like this. I could fill books and books for just one day. I think later when I have time, I will write down all the reasons why I thought he liked me. Just because I like researching this kind of thing :)
Sick at Work
Wrote this at 10 am this morning and emailed it to maiself.
Ahhhh I feel so sick right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have never been so fake happy in my life.
Reasons I cannot call in sick.
I haven’t been to here at this job for a week since yesterday and yesterday I didn’t have time to even get a good chunk of work done. I only had time to do some of the basic stuff. I owe them today and tomorrow.
Trying to have to jobs and do school is killer. I don’t know how people do it. I do know, however, what it feels like to be sick and know for a fact that you cannot skip work. I know what it feels like to have to suck it up and show up for work anyway and tell people who ask you how you are doing that you are doing good even though you feel like your body will give out any second.
I am supposed to be filing right now but I feel so miserable. I can’t even go home and sleep after this. I have math class for two hours after this then I have to go home and do hw. Tonight is the only time I have to do hw cause I have a math quiz tomorrow and I will have work so I won’t be able to do it during the day before my class. It has to be tonight.
So I have no idea what will happen with me this fall. I would LOVE to keep both jobs and have one class while I wait out the fall but we shall see. There are so many determinants.
Situation #1:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo doesn’t give it to me. I quit the zoo job and keep my hosing job cause they already will let me have the time off.
Situation #2:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo gives it to me and lets me keep a job during the fall. AWESOME! Except, this is what will happen. The two weeks that I would take off are one week apart. So I have one week off, then one week not off, then one week off.
This might cause some drama and it might make me have to quit my hosing job. I am thinking that if the zoo lets me take these two weeks off, that they will obviously schedule me during the week when I CAN work in between that.
Hosing job may not like this. And I love some of the people here at this hosing job but I would have to choose the zoo job because I like it a lot better.
I would really miss the guys here. We have some good times at lunch and at break.
Anywho. I want to get the filing done before lunch because I have so many other jobs I need to do.
Kay bai!
Ahhhh I feel so sick right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have never been so fake happy in my life.
Reasons I cannot call in sick.
I haven’t been to here at this job for a week since yesterday and yesterday I didn’t have time to even get a good chunk of work done. I only had time to do some of the basic stuff. I owe them today and tomorrow.
Trying to have to jobs and do school is killer. I don’t know how people do it. I do know, however, what it feels like to be sick and know for a fact that you cannot skip work. I know what it feels like to have to suck it up and show up for work anyway and tell people who ask you how you are doing that you are doing good even though you feel like your body will give out any second.
I am supposed to be filing right now but I feel so miserable. I can’t even go home and sleep after this. I have math class for two hours after this then I have to go home and do hw. Tonight is the only time I have to do hw cause I have a math quiz tomorrow and I will have work so I won’t be able to do it during the day before my class. It has to be tonight.
So I have no idea what will happen with me this fall. I would LOVE to keep both jobs and have one class while I wait out the fall but we shall see. There are so many determinants.
Situation #1:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo doesn’t give it to me. I quit the zoo job and keep my hosing job cause they already will let me have the time off.
Situation #2:
I ask for the two weeks off in august and the zoo gives it to me and lets me keep a job during the fall. AWESOME! Except, this is what will happen. The two weeks that I would take off are one week apart. So I have one week off, then one week not off, then one week off.
This might cause some drama and it might make me have to quit my hosing job. I am thinking that if the zoo lets me take these two weeks off, that they will obviously schedule me during the week when I CAN work in between that.
Hosing job may not like this. And I love some of the people here at this hosing job but I would have to choose the zoo job because I like it a lot better.
I would really miss the guys here. We have some good times at lunch and at break.
Anywho. I want to get the filing done before lunch because I have so many other jobs I need to do.
Kay bai!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
P.S.
SO I was painting this little kid a leopard and out of nowhere....ACHOOO!!! Sprayed all over half of my neck and my mouth and face. It was horrid. I laughed it off. But the little booger got me sick which sucks cause mag has two jobs and a math class. I can't afford to be sick and if I do get even worse than I am now, I'm gonna have to tough it up and go to work and school and put on a happy place and pretend that I am not sick.
that should be fun hahaha
Anyway.
P.S.
Eric, I decided a few things today. I really do like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff but I laid down a rule for myself. I am no longer going to initiate or put in this effort that I put into hanging out with you. Not that I don't want to hang out or anything like that, but I deserve people, even friends, that put as much effort into me as I put into them. Getting too attached would would be stupid of me. Especially when I can still do it with ease and without any pain at the present time. This may mean that I will never see you again because I know you have a lot of people to see and a lot of things to do but I'm okay with that.
I wish you luck with your endeavors and if you ever want to hang out again you know where to find me :)
Your friend mag
that should be fun hahaha
Anyway.
P.S.
Eric, I decided a few things today. I really do like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff but I laid down a rule for myself. I am no longer going to initiate or put in this effort that I put into hanging out with you. Not that I don't want to hang out or anything like that, but I deserve people, even friends, that put as much effort into me as I put into them. Getting too attached would would be stupid of me. Especially when I can still do it with ease and without any pain at the present time. This may mean that I will never see you again because I know you have a lot of people to see and a lot of things to do but I'm okay with that.
I wish you luck with your endeavors and if you ever want to hang out again you know where to find me :)
Your friend mag
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Dear Eric
So I've been so so busy. My brain hurts. I have a super migrane and a test on thursday and tonight is the only night I have to study and do my hw cause we are sleeping over at seaworld tomorrow for camp.
I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.
I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.
Dear Eric,
I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.
Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.
I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.
I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...
I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.
I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.
I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.
I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.
I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.
I don't like it but I do.
I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.
Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.
Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.
I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.
I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.
Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.
I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.
I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.
confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.
Your friend friend,
Mag
I don't know how long I can handle this. Maybe its just one of those days today.
I read this thing that Eric posted on his facebook where he answered a bunch of questions and it was so interesting but it just made me angry. And I couldn't care less if he read this at some point in his life. I just need to get it out.
Dear Eric,
I have never met anyone more complicated or frustrating or fascinating as you. I look at who you are and I am confused. Then I turn my head and I don't understand. Then I get slightly annoyed and frustrated. It makes me a bit angry. And then you do something else and I can't stop looking. Its interesting and something I've never seen. You're like a robot from the future. So advanced in so many ways, but so empty or impartial to human emotions. You are a still pond in the middle of a forest. Your soul hardly touched or moved. So in control of what you feel.
Must be nice. Pff. It must be nice to be that peaceful. To be able to watch from the sidelines at everyone else's raging waters and still have that inner-peace.
I know that you think that no one will disturb your water. That you think, almost nothing will be able to ripple your still and perfect mirror like surface.
I question myself all of the time. WHY do I find myself drawn to you? Its so strange...
I feel no pain when we are separated or when we do not talk for a long time. But when I see something that is you, I am immediately fixated. Why? I don't get it.
I am, for one, grateful that I do not feel any kind of pain in the fact that you do not find me as fascinating.
I like talking to you though. The things that you have to say and the way you respond to things does not happen often. I've talked to a lot of people and I hardly ever run into people like you.
I am so different than you are. Why would I want to even be involved with someone who doesn't share my compassion. Not to say that you are not a good person. I am just very emotional in the sense that I have a lot to give and it is to be earned. I do not give it away for free.
I am not as smart as you are or as intellectual. I feel like I have the education of a hobo compared to you. I always feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so stupid around you or talking to you. And then on top of that I am so intrigued by you.
I don't like it but I do.
I do not like that I am attracted to you. It doesn't make any sense to me and I think there are better people for both of us. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am attracted to and I can't make it go away. Fortunately I do not yearn or desire more than just a friendship. I know this because I feel it for Brandon and I always have. Even before I met him.
Brandon gave to me what I think you could never even come close to mustering up.
Yes it would be amazing to hold your hand or be that person to cause that first ripple. It would be amazing to be that person that you always want around or that you wanted to open your heart to.
I don't see it happening though. You are so focused on things that I do not understand. For now you are completely content with watching other people's raging waters while you remain untouched. You are good with that.
I'm good with it too because I like the way I am, not including the physical part. I have more than a million oceans worth of love to give to someone and it would be wasteful to try to give it to someone who does not want it now or maybe never.
Brandon understood that part of me. He was ready to take in everything that I had to offer and let it touch him in places that are so crucial to a person's soul. I did the same for him.
I am not spiteful or angry at you. I am only expressing the way I see you. I maybe wrong about every last assumption in this letter, but it is what I have observed so far.
I hope you do not think that I don't like you either. Although you annoy me in ways that I have never been annoyed, I really enjoy talking to you. You make me smile about things I'd never thought I'd smile about and you are a good friend. Anything more than that would have been extra.
confusing i know! Maybe someday I'll actually send this to you.
Your friend friend,
Mag
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Dear Angela
I wish it was that easy :( I wish it was something that I could fix. This is as close to fixing it as I got.
For so many reasons, we needed this separation. And this separation will ensure a possible forever for us in the future. This is the only way to make sure it is solid if it happens.
It doesn't mean I was unsure about my love for him. I KNOW I loved him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
If this feeling that I have that my heart still belongs to him remains for these next few years to come, then I know he is the one.
It is so much more complicated than this and there is so much more. There is conflict. Guilt. Doubt. Regret but the will to move forward. Relief. Frustration. I could possibly fit every human emotion into this whole situation.
But this is the best I could do to cover it lightly.
For so many reasons, we needed this separation. And this separation will ensure a possible forever for us in the future. This is the only way to make sure it is solid if it happens.
It doesn't mean I was unsure about my love for him. I KNOW I loved him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
If this feeling that I have that my heart still belongs to him remains for these next few years to come, then I know he is the one.
It is so much more complicated than this and there is so much more. There is conflict. Guilt. Doubt. Regret but the will to move forward. Relief. Frustration. I could possibly fit every human emotion into this whole situation.
But this is the best I could do to cover it lightly.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Glass Wall
I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall. I'm on one side. Brandon is on the other. I made the decision to place this glass wall here. I had to. Instead of looking away from the glass wall, I do everything humanly possible to press myself closer to it. I stare at him with tears streaming down my face watching his beautiful brown eyes and his soft warm skin. I reach out to touch him it but my hand hits the wall. I hit the wall in hopes that it will move. He is right in front of me. He puts his hand on the wall where mine is and looks at me sadly. I can see him looking at me. There is so much pain in his face. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. Despair. He hits the wall even harder than I did. He starts to cry hitting the wall as hard as he can. He is sobbing and using all of his strength to bring this wall down. I start panicking. I hit the wall harder and harder. He was so close. Less than an inch away. I can hear is heavy sobs but muffled by the glass. I can hardly breathe from sobbing or see through my tears. I want to fix him. I want to touch him. I want everything to be back to the way it was. I put the wall there and so there it must remain, but day after day we hit the wall and try to tear it down. Sometimes I'm okay with it being there and I strongly remember why I put it there. But some days I don't care. Some days I hate myself for putting it there and though my attempts at tearing it down are fruitless, I keep trying again and again.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I ended something that shouldn't have been ended.
I'm just as in love with him now as I was the day I met him.
Maybe no guy in the world will love me the way he does.
Maybe I should have dealt with his imperfections.
Maybe he was right.
Maybe I can't stop talking to him, because I'm the one that needs him.
Maybe I'm in more pain than he is.
Maybe, even though he is 0% compatible with my friends, it didn't matter.
Even if I decided to, I wouldn't be able to get back together with him. I've done too much damage.
I thought that this would stop happening every now and then after a little while has passed. But when this pain comes, it comes hard and its just as fresh as the first wound that I gave myself.
Brandon saw a side of me that rare few people will ever get to see. I think its something I'm good at. Loving. But how would anyone know?
I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I dislike crying myself to sleep.
"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
--Unknown
"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton
"... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
--Gretchen Kemp
All of these things were true about him. About us. I wonder how often that happens.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I ended something that shouldn't have been ended.
I'm just as in love with him now as I was the day I met him.
Maybe no guy in the world will love me the way he does.
Maybe I should have dealt with his imperfections.
Maybe he was right.
Maybe I can't stop talking to him, because I'm the one that needs him.
Maybe I'm in more pain than he is.
Maybe, even though he is 0% compatible with my friends, it didn't matter.
Even if I decided to, I wouldn't be able to get back together with him. I've done too much damage.
I thought that this would stop happening every now and then after a little while has passed. But when this pain comes, it comes hard and its just as fresh as the first wound that I gave myself.
Brandon saw a side of me that rare few people will ever get to see. I think its something I'm good at. Loving. But how would anyone know?
I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I dislike crying myself to sleep.
"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
--Unknown
"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton
"... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
--Gretchen Kemp
All of these things were true about him. About us. I wonder how often that happens.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Physical
Its one thirty in the morning and I have both jobs tomorrow. I get off at 8pm at night.
I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.
We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.
A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.
The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.
I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.
The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.
The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.
The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.
Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.
God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.
I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.
He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.
Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.
One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.
He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?
I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.
Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.
He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.
I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.
This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...
I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.
We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.
A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.
The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.
I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.
The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.
The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.
The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.
Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.
God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.
I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.
He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.
Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.
One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.
He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?
I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.
Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.
He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.
I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.
This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...
Friday, June 25, 2010
ZOO JOB
WELL today was my first day at the zoo and it went really well!
I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(
First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.
Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.
Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:
I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(
First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.
Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.
Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:
Thursday, June 24, 2010
PMS
So much to talk about! so little time.
Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.
My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.
Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.
I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo
ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.
Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.
Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.
I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.
I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.
I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.
Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.
My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.
Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.
I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo
ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.
Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.
Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.
I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.
I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.
I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Relationship
Its hard to capture in words how happy Brandon made me when we were together. No one has ever made me happier than he has and I don't think it will happen in a long time.
I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.
Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.
Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.
I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.
Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.
This pain
This conflict
I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.
We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.
If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.
But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.
I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.
Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.
Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.
I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.
Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.
This pain
This conflict
I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.
We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.
If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.
But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
This week
I'm not at all excited for this week. This week will be absolutely insane in the membrane. I can handle chaos pretty well but it doesn't mean I enjoy it.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.
Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.
Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.
Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.
CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!
Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.
Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT
Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.
Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.
Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.
Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.
CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!
Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.
Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT
Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I'm preeetty excited for this weekend :)
I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?
Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)
ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;
Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.
I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?
Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)
ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;
Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
WOW Updates
So i was SOOOO freaking excited about this new blog layout thing. I think my blog looks BEAUTIFUL!!
So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.
What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.
I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.
Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.
Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)
I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.
I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.
Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)
So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.
What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.
I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.
Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.
Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)
I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.
I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.
Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Doing Good
I have been doing REALLY good :)
Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.
I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.
I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!
Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.
I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.
I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Complain
I try not to complain. I really do. But recently has been just horrible.
My ankle still hurts.
I'm breaking out like crazy right now.
I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.
I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.
Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.
My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.
I can't stop shoving my face with food.
And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.
yay my life is awesome.
My ankle still hurts.
I'm breaking out like crazy right now.
I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.
I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.
Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.
My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.
I can't stop shoving my face with food.
And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.
yay my life is awesome.
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