Oops!

I went to sleep at like 6 today hoping that i could sleep the night through and then Jason called me at like 10 to go clubbing at Rich's. I ignored the call and the text but I woke up anyway ugh. And I tried to go back to sleep but I failed at that. So here I am awake at 1:30 in the morning watching bad girls club with cat in the kitchen.

I feel really useless sometimes. I have been over eating due to current stress. Suckss. Sheena is losing a lot of weight and she is getting close to being the same weight as me. At that point I need to put my foot down and do something.


I'm always confused and frowning and debating. Conflict. Guilt. Frustration.

Tomorrow will be just as torturous if not more than today. I will have to force myself to drink some coffee. That won't be fun.

This stressss. I'm not even in school right now! Actually now that I think about it, school is way better than work. What the fuck did I do to myslef....

anyway. I miss Brandon. I have that achey feeling in my chest that is usually only fixed by his arms. I get so much peace and happiness that I get from such a simple gesture.

I don't know why it is that way. I don't understand how it works. How love works. There isn't anyway to control it at all. It just happens I guess like they say. Even when he just stared at me, I felt like I was the luckiest person alive. He looked at me like he had found the most precious thing in the universe and it was his. It didn't make sense but it was genuine.
So cliche, but his kisses took my breathe away. They were so sweet and perfect. I dream about them.

but we hardly have anything in common! How does he do it? Its like watching a magic show.

In terms of personality and taste of music and tv and interests, we have about .5% in common. And even though I never really liked too much of the same things as he did, I always wanted to know everything. I wanted to know every last detail about him.

So strange.

As strange as it may seem, it doesn't take the empty feeling I get when I'm not with him. I hate how powerful it is. I guess if the good part of loving someone is strong then so must be the pain if there is any. I panic and gasp for breathe and cry and shake when Its at its worst. I try to sleep so that I don't have to be trapped with my own torturing thoughts of my consciousness. Everytime I open my drawer I see the card I was sent as an invite to his graduation. Everytime I see it I breakdown and shut my drawer closed. Seeing him shakes me inside and out. I scream to myself inside of my mind: I should have been there. Why did I miss that. I wanted to be there so badly. Its so heart wrenching, knowing the things that I have missed out on from his life. I feel like eternity passed when I blinked. I should have been at his graduation for him. I should have been there. I remember getting the invitation in the mail.


but WHY do I love him? Why? I mean, I do have my reasons. None which make sense. But I do. Why him though. What in this universe gave him the power to hold my heart with such tenderness that it would be over devastating to take my heart away? What gave him the power to cure anything by just holding me? What gave him the power to just look at me and make me cry out of happiness? How does he hold my hand rub my fingers so perfectly that I wish they were glued together? Why did I get so nervous to see him even after seeing him a hundred times? Why can I look at him for hours at a time without wanting anything else in the world? So unfair for one person to have so much power over another. So unfair.

I have caused him so much pain. It was a miracle he kept me around for so long. I couldn't even really be there for him. I couldn't hold him whenever I wanted. I couldn't just go over after school or work to be with him. I couldn't bring him to family events or out to the store in the middle of the night with me. That caused us both pain. He gave me so much more than I ever deserved. But he made me happier than anyone in the world. He gave me the happiest moments I have ever had. Happiness that I didn't even think was possible. I have every reason to not be in love with him. We are puzzle pieces from two different puzzles. But then I have every reason to be in love with him. And when I feel that love, everything makes sense.

Ugh so much to think about. This would be about an ounce of sand in the beach of thoughts I have in my stupid little brain.

Quick One

I have a good feeling about today. Doesn't usually happen because I feel like Lord Voldie when I wake up in the morning. I have to be out of here in ten minutes but my dad is in the shower. Maybe its my music? I blast my music on my speakers when I can. They work so wonderfully.

So excited for my new music. YES!! Plus I have all of my old music which is still pretty amazing.

I bought a family sized box of rice krispies to eat at work AND I decided to give back to the fat ass community of Western Hose and Gaskets and get some candy for MaryEllen's jar. I got her some eyeballs in spirit of halloween even though its pretttyyy far away. They are chocolate eye balls with peanut butter in the middle.

Okay gonna go take a shower.


HAVE A GOOD DAY EDDIE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

Can't Escape

If I'm ugly, then no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me. (People who don't know me of course) And if I meet new people and look half decent, then they will want more than friendship. Not cool

Either way I lose. Why can't i have more friends that are girls :(


On a side note, I cannot stop listening to Marina & the Diamonds. I dance. I cry. I laugh. I think. Amazingg

i was listening to coldplay the other day and I wish I could see them live :( It would be AMAZING.

I've been using chrome and I have to say that I am not disappointed. And these damn fingernails are killing the writing mood ugh. So pretty but so much of a hastle.

hold on
one nail down. 9 to go

two down


okay i got 7 of them off.

I'm talking to anthony right now. I really like talking to him because he talks to me like a normal human being. I am one of anthony's guy friends. He tells me everything. Right now he is trying to get with this girl who has a kid. I've been trying to help him out with that haha anyway he's never heard of horchata. Not a big surprise. He is also a pig like most guys and does shrooms and weed and stuff. Anyway, when I talk to anthony I feel like a guy and it kind of makes me feel better a little. I like being a girl. Its just nice to have a break every now and then.


Gotta go run some errands. peace

Oh No!

I am super obsessed with this song. I also just got a whole shit load of new music and i am SO EXCITED to listen to it and get acquainted with it and let it into my heart and being.

Here is just a kickoff. LOVE THIS!

Dream

This is the weird one that had David in it.

Everyone was eating dinner in the basement. It was like a feast of some kind and it was snowing outside. I was sitting across from David and my cousin Tom. Tom said something really offensive and didn't feel sorry about it and so I went outside angry. It was cold in the snow but it was really pretty. The trees were purple and the night sky was a dark indigo. There were tiny little lights floating around for some reason. I was walking towards the garden and thats when David joined me and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was fine but he kept following me anyway. I was too distracted by the garden to pay any attention to what he was saying. The garden was slanted and on the side of a hill. There were bright blue flowers everywhere and a creek running down the middle. There was a bridge going over the creak and I sat on the edge of it. David sat next to me and kept telling me jokes to try to cheer me up but I wasn't listening to anything he was saying. I just laid my head on my knees and looked at everything. It was so pretty. I wish I could make the garden real.

the end

I also had a dream once where david used up all the hot water in the building at the hotel I was staying at. Loser butt.

Dream

I have two dreams to blog. This was the one I had last night.

I was at target looking at some clothes. I was looking for something sparkley to buy. I don't remember why. I picked up a belt that was made out of purple sequins. Then I saw a girl and a guy looking at some stuff too. Mostly the girl was looking and the guy was looking over her shoulder and watching. He was blonde kind of and had glasses and a retainer. He was wearing a red shirt and jeans. He looked so familiar. I walked by them to get a closer look and I realized it was Fraser. I started laughing to myself because I thought it was funny. What was he doing here?!? Then he turned around and looked at me and he knew it was me too and I started backing away. I didn't want to ruin what he and his girlfriend were doing. Then I turned around and started running. Once I was outside I started laughing at myself again and then Fraser came up behind me. "Where are you going?" he said. "Uhm, I'm going home haha". Then he offered to walk me home and I said sure. He told me that his girlfriend would meet him back where they were living at later. We took a scenic path back to my house. The trees were sooo prettyy and the path was made out of dirt. It was dark and we talked a lot. Then it started raining and we went into an abandoned house so that we wouldn't get wet. We just kept talking and I laughed at him a lot because he looked dorky with his glasses and his retainer. And then we fell asleep. He fell asleep on one side of the room and I fell asleep on the other. In the morning he walked me the rest of the way home and went back to his apartment. The end

Strange isn't it? How random people from your past creep into your dreams. Not more weird than dreaming about David though. That is really weird.

Squeamish

I don't experience shock too often but when I do, the experience is so vivid and loud. A loud memory.

My mom has skin cancer. She is going to be okay. She had surgery and everything is going to be fine. In the surgery they had to cut out the part of her leg that had the skin cancer and put some extra skin from the thy in its place.

Today just now she was walking down the hallway and sat down on the couch. As I passed by I noticed that her bandage had fallen down. She was waiting for my dad to help her fix it. Her leg was completely exposed. There was a huge gaping hole in her leg that looked like it went all the way down to her bone. I couldn't tell. It was fringed in layers of blood red skin but was dry. I could see the muscle and tissues perfectly. I could never handle being a doctor. It didn't look real but it was. I am so used to seeing it fake that seeing it real shocked me. I was completely horrified. I don't know why I'm so weak. I can never handle things like this. I went into the bathroom and shook and cried for a bit. The horror in the reality of what I saw shook the core of who I am. Not a good shaking. Its like I was falling asleep and someone poked me with a pin to wake me up. Poked me hard enough to bleed.

Time to Write

I'm really glad I have some spare time. I want to make some videos and read more books and ride my bike. I should have time to do most of this now. I also have more time to write! Which I enjoy doing immensely. I want to take a writing class when I get to Santa Cruz. I want to see how far I can go. I have so many partial stories in my mind. They deserve to be heard from.

More time to think about everything although I do not know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I think I'll re-read breaking dawn again. Beautiful book. I wish Stephenie Meyer had more books. They're so good. And amazing and beautiful!! Everything a book should be. I should read every book in my bookcase for once. I wonder if I could do it. I'll start off with the top shelf which of course has my collection of the twilight saga :)

I still miss Jamie and Ian and Jared and Jeb and the way of life they were living. I'm probably insane. How exciting :)

Missing Nothing

Ughhh. What is wrong with meee???? Now that I'm done with that book, I'm sad.... I miss them. I miss Jeb and jamie and jared and melanie. I miss Ian and Doc. But they aren't real... I actually miss fictional characters. Who does that? What kind of distorted mind do I have inside of this skull.

I miss them so much. I want to talk to them. I want to spend time with them. BUT THEY ARE NOT REAL! I can't even experience anything new with them. I can only re-read past memories. I'm so sad that I can't talk to them. That I can't just be with them.

Ugh I am so messed up in the head lately. I need a psychiatrist.

The Host

AMAZING! SUPERB! JUST AS GOOD AS TWILIGHT!!

Oh wanda and ian are cute. Jared and melanie are together but I like wanda and ian way better. so cute. So lovely. They love each other the way I love.

Thank you stephenie meyer. So good

Kyle and Ian

Kyle tried to kill me. No surprise. I got lucky and Ian found us just in time.

Has Ian fallen in love with me? He keeps a close watch on me to make sure that no one will hurt me. He brings me food when I need it and he kissed my forehead in front of Doc and Jared. Jared was of course furiously conflicted again. Doc was a little surprised too. When he kissed my forehead he said, "I'll be back soon. Don't be afraid."
What does this mean. I'm too tired to take notice to it now.



the host is SO GOOD. Can't put it down....

Chest

Ohhmygossshh My chest is killing me. I feel like hard mushy cotton had been shoved into my airways and chest. Its harder to breath and when I cough it feels like someone is scraping my lungs. Grossssss

Jared knows I'm here. But he is still conflicted.

Dweebie By Nature?

I thats the answer for me.

I woke up thinking that some jerk kid who hated me threw acid into my lungs. (I had a dream where some kid who hated me, followed me everywhere trying to kill me. He finally got to me and forced my mouth open and poured acid down my throat. Fun stuff. Interestingly enough my chest is super congested so in my dream the pain felt real. Not as bad as if it was really acid. But the pain was real. back to the story.) I half-stumbled to the car to get in to take dominic to school. (Called in sick because of my chest congestion) Then we start driving. We get onto the freeway and my car decides to swerve on its own. Not normal. I keep going though because once isn't too bad. But then it happened two more times and my car started shaking. So I pull over to the side of the freeway and I have dominic open his door to see if the tire was flat. And it was. I called my mom and I called triple AAA to come and save me. After about 20 mins the triple AAA guy gets there and the first thing he does when we both get out of the car is laugh at me.

I looked ridiculous! I didn't intend on anyone seeing me of course but it couldn't change what I was wearing. I had no shoes. I was wearing my western hose & gasket t-shirt and my paint stained Christmas tree pajama shorts. Lovely right?? I also looked like a zombie and had my hair in a sideways bun. I only cared to put it up enough to keep it out of my way. So I guess being barefoot and wearing pajamas that were in the wrong theme on the side of the free way would be something to laugh at. I just smiled back awkwardly like I meant to show up that way.

I'm not the only dweeb in the family however. My mom shows up with Catie driving to take dominic to school and she pulled over a mile away and had to reverse to where I was. It was hilarious. I had dominic take a picture of it for me. You can barely see the van from where we were because it was so far haha. By the time they finally got close enough to our car, the tow truck guy had already changed the tire and was finished with everything.

Catie had a spiderman shirt on and her purple pajama bottoms. So my family dweebie by nature? I think so :)

The Host

I forgot how good this book was. I haven't read it since I bought it years ago. I forget that its not me as the main character. I only remember that its not me when Melanie or wanderer react to things differently than how I would react. I still feel like its me. Like its all me. Stephenie Meyer is good at making her readers feel that way.

So in terms of me, I'm in a time of grave risk. I don't know when any of them might try to kill me. I'm glad Jamie is safe and still loves me. I'm glad Jared is safe and I hope he comes back safely from getting more supplies. I hope that he learns to understand what had happened to me. I can't stand to see the anger in his face and I can't stand the pain and conflict he is in constantly. Jeb is actually my friend thank goodness. I think he can see that I am still here.

I hope everything will turn out okay. Its a miracle that I am still alive now. The others are getting used to having me around. Sleeping with Jamie helps feel more relaxed. He is much more different than the last time I saw him though. Hopefully we will figure everything out.

YOU make the Chicken

I woke up at 6:30, showered, took dominic to school and then went to work and worked until 4:30.

And you want ME to make mom dinner??

YOU didn't go to work and you are pissed off at me because I asked you to make it instead?

So not fairrr to make me feel guilty for asking you to do it. So not cool :(

Some Songss

These are some songs that I have recently been obsessed with. Not in any particular order.

1. Bryn - Vampire Weekend Loveee itttttt

2. One (Blake's Got A New Face) - Vampire Weekend YA YA LOVE THIS ONE

3. Swoon - Imogen Heap I swear she and I have something in our minds that are identical. I love this woman

4. Upside Down - Paloma Faith She is too cute for words. Can't help but dance around to this song

5. Undisclosed Desires - Muse BEAUUUTIFUL. Love it mathew

6. Radio - Beyonce. I love dis ghetto bish. hahahah I love it when she says 'I think I'm in love with my radio, Cause it never lets me down' I hear you girl

7. All Black - Good Charlotte Soooo emoooo. butttttt i LOVE IT hahaha

8. Standing Next to Me - The Last Shadow Puppets. OH MY! SWOON These guys are awesome <3 I like dancing to this one too

9. Hello Seattle - Owl City Soooo cuteeeee. Love singing this one. I love the cheese this guy puts in his music. I love cheese. My cheese matches his cheese. Cheesy music yum

10. Fireflies - Owl City Love the cheese once again. I think I'm too cheesy for this world? But this guy makes me feel comfortable about it. I don't laugh at his cheese. I embrace it.

11. Dragon Queen - Yeah Yeah Yeah's This is MY JAM! So chill and jammin. Love it

12. White Demon Love Song - The Killers I don't really like the killers too much but this song is possibly one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. I really think this song is beautiful. I will carry it to my grave.

13. Clap Your Hands - Sia Love you sia. Love your voice

14. Stop Trying - Sia Just jammin to Sia again

15. New Born - So AMAZING!!! didn't expect anything less from you mathew. If humans could melt, I would melt to this song.


Ahhh I love my music. We have a very solid relationship.

Dream

Sometimes I dream about my children. I don't know who they are or what they look like but I often think about them too. I already feel like they need me. I already feel like I'm ready to raise them and give them all the love I can. But not yet. Its just strange to feel something like that.

I remembered thinking about them once while I was facepainting. A little girl came up to me and she wanted the princess crown on her face. I told her dad the price and he said that it didn't matter and he walked off a little ways and talked on his cell phone. The little girl was so happy to be getting this done. She just kept looking at me and smiling. She touched my hair and my face and when I was done she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Her dad didn't even notice. She was such a little sweet heart. I can't wait to have one of my own.

I remember my dream from last night. It was so strange. I was on a buss full of people. One of the nicer buses. We were set out to save people that were trapped in some mountains. The only people I knew on the bus were Brandon and Catie. For some reason we were the only 3 people that knew how dangerous this trip was. We knew that we might not survive it. The bus stopped at a mcdonalds so that we could all get something to eat before continuing on. It was the last stop before heading into the mountains. I only had enough money to get one meal but I knew we would need more food to last the journey we had ahead of us. Brandon distracted the cashier while Catie and I stole a whole bunch of food. For some reason they had a lot of food in the back of the fast food place. It was like a convenient store. We stole Granola bars and oreos the size of my hand and then we ran for it. We got on the bus just in time and headed out.

Eventually the bus broke down and we had to cary on by foot. We climbed hills and mountains and lots of different things. Then it started to rain. Then It started to flood. There wasn't enough safe spots for everyone and we lost people with that flood. I remember crying and watching the people who slid down the mountain trying to hold on for their lives and failing. It was horrible. Brandon covered my face so that I wouldn't have to watch. When it stopped raining we continued on. at some point we had to swim under a waterfall. Catie almost didn't make it. And I almost didn't make it because I refused to leave her behind. We lost everyone after that. No one was left but the three of us and the leader.

And then it was just me. I don't remember losing anyone or traveling with anyone. I was suddenly just there and standing in front of a cabin in the mountains. No one was answering so I went around the back and there was a guy standing there. He was hosing the garden. Then he turned around and smiled at me. I was confused because I was 100% sure I did not know who he was. He came up to me and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.
"There you are!", he said.
"what? I don't even know who you are..." I said back to him.
He looked at me with sadness like it was some kind of sick joke. He then went on to tell me that we had once fallen in love and had lived here our whole lives.
I thought he was nuts although I wasn't sure because I didn't remember anything from the past at the time. A dog even came up to me like he knew who I was. I sat on a rock and thought for awhile after he had finished explaining everything to me. Then I remembered Brandon. And I was sure that this guy was wrong. I had not fallen in love with him. I had fallen in love with brandon and I still loved him. I started to cry and he came up to embrace me but I wouldn't let him. I was sobbing and I started to run away into some woods. He didn't chase after me. As I was running and crying, branches hit me in the face and cut me as well as tore my dress. Then I woke up. I don't remember anything after that.

Dirt

I don't even knowww. I've been thinking about everything a lot and its just been stressing me out. I don't know where I am right now so I'm taking one day at a time and sometimes even that feels like too much.

My bike helps me oddly enough. I had a break down a few nights ago. I could breathe or think. I could hardly function. I got on my bike and rode to the trolley station and back. No one was driving at that time. Not after 11pm. I had the whole road to myself. The air was so cold, but it helped me come back down to reality. It wiped away my tears helped my breath come back.

I need to learn to not care what people think about me. I try so hard... and I always fail. Most of the time, I have it down. Most of the time I just don't give a fuck and I am me. I am proud of it. Most of the time.

But sometimes I completely care about what people might think of me. I don't even know why. Its not their problem. Its mine. I'm working on it.

I'm having monster cramps. Hurts so badd. I wish I didn't have work today but after tomorrow I'm not working at the zoo until the busy season in december starts up again.

Ugghh I had a dream about facepainting last night. Nay, a nightmare. Cherryl did better than I did and we were both working at the sydney booth. Wasn't my fault. I felt bad though.

Chitty chitty bang bang is on tv and I have no clue what is going on. Sooo weirddddd. I'm going to lie down for a bit before I have to go to work. Jason keeps texting me chicken jokes. (wtf??) he's sent me like 6 so far. guhhh

Parents can be irritating

Yes I had a little bicker with each of them just now which is precisely the reason I came outside back to my room. Here is how each of these bickers went.

Mom's Bicker:
"MAGDALENA!!"
"YA MOM?!"
"SOMETHING MUMMBLE MUBMLE"
"WHAT?"
"IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME THEN COME HERE!!"
I went over to her in the kitchen and stood behind her. I was facing her and she was sitting away from me facing the computer. "Yes mom?" I said.
"Do you want me to sign you up for facepainting?" she said.
"Facepainting for what?"
"For the st. pats festival." she said.
"Ohhh sure! When is it?"
"October 17 and 18" she said.
"Oh well I won't know if I can do that until two weeks before hand" I said, "Can you just sign me up for one day and if worse comes to worse, you can covver for me?" I said.
"Uhm I can work the facepaint from 1:30-3:30" she said.
"Oh Okay" I said.
"Mumble mumble paints" she said.
"what?" I said.
Let me remind you that there are two tv's that I can hear plus the fish tank and my dad talking to dominic. Plus she is facing away from me.
"Mumble to buy some of those paints" she said.
"Mom I can't hear here you" I said.
She did this exasperated noise and said, "mumble wants to buy some paints."
"What??"
Then she starts yelling, "LOOK AT ME!" Like I wasn't facing her the WHOLE TIME!! Gah.
"Mom! I am facing you! YOU are the one who isn't facing me. I can't hear you" I said.
Then she got all offended and I swear I was not yelling yet. My voice was raised because she was yelling at me but THEN she goes.
"FINE! IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO YELL AT ME!"
"MOM! I wasn't yelling at you! I couldn't hear you ugh. It sounded like you were saying 'they' and I didn't know who you meant by they."
And then she was still yelling, " I. I!!! I!! I WANT TO BUY SOME PAINTS!!!"
I just got frustrated and was over it so I said, "Its fine mom, just don't sign me up. I don't care." And I walked away. bah

Dad's bicker
I was standing a few feet away from him. No trouble hearing. He just thought I Was being a smart ass.
"Magdalena?"
"Yes dad?" I said
"I'm trying to save up ten cartons of those," he said pointing at a water bottle.
"Why dad?" I said.
"For emergency purposes." He said.
"What??? Why don't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them so we don't waste these?", I said.
He rolled his eyes and gave me this look. But I was serious! We waste so many plastic bottles.
"Because magdalena, they are GOOD for keeping for emergencies." he said.
"Well they are BAD for the earth. Why can't we just use aluminum bottles and refill them?" I said.
"Fine Magdalena, You are right about everything in the universe. We should just all do exactly what you say we should..."
And then I walked away. I don't need that crap

Jeeebs

Insta-Marriage

So Marissa and I made lists of people who we would instantly marry. (This is considering we didn't have significant others. I would be true to my love.) Anyway. So this is my list. Guys I would marry instantly without question or hesitation. Not very realistically possible but it was entertaining to think about. I did real people and the Fictional after that.

REAL PEOPLE
1. Joseph Levitt. Swoon
2. Ezra Koenig swooonie
3. James Franco
4. Tom Chaplin
5. Taylor Launter

FICTIONAL PEOPLE
1. Michael Moscovitz ahhhh swoon
2. Spencer from iCarly
3. Fred Weasley
4. Edward Cullen
5. Jacob Black

BAM
I don't remember much of marissa's