I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall. I'm on one side. Brandon is on the other. I made the decision to place this glass wall here. I had to. Instead of looking away from the glass wall, I do everything humanly possible to press myself closer to it. I stare at him with tears streaming down my face watching his beautiful brown eyes and his soft warm skin. I reach out to touch him it but my hand hits the wall. I hit the wall in hopes that it will move. He is right in front of me. He puts his hand on the wall where mine is and looks at me sadly. I can see him looking at me. There is so much pain in his face. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. Despair. He hits the wall even harder than I did. He starts to cry hitting the wall as hard as he can. He is sobbing and using all of his strength to bring this wall down. I start panicking. I hit the wall harder and harder. He was so close. Less than an inch away. I can hear is heavy sobs but muffled by the glass. I can hardly breathe from sobbing or see through my tears. I want to fix him. I want to touch him. I want everything to be back to the way it was. I put the wall there and so there it must remain, but day after day we hit the wall and try to tear it down. Sometimes I'm okay with it being there and I strongly remember why I put it there. But some days I don't care. Some days I hate myself for putting it there and though my attempts at tearing it down are fruitless, I keep trying again and again.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I ended something that shouldn't have been ended.
I'm just as in love with him now as I was the day I met him.
Maybe no guy in the world will love me the way he does.
Maybe I should have dealt with his imperfections.
Maybe he was right.
Maybe I can't stop talking to him, because I'm the one that needs him.
Maybe I'm in more pain than he is.
Maybe, even though he is 0% compatible with my friends, it didn't matter.
Even if I decided to, I wouldn't be able to get back together with him. I've done too much damage.
I thought that this would stop happening every now and then after a little while has passed. But when this pain comes, it comes hard and its just as fresh as the first wound that I gave myself.
Brandon saw a side of me that rare few people will ever get to see. I think its something I'm good at. Loving. But how would anyone know?
I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I dislike crying myself to sleep.
"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
--Unknown
"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton
"... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
--Gretchen Kemp
All of these things were true about him. About us. I wonder how often that happens.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Physical
Its one thirty in the morning and I have both jobs tomorrow. I get off at 8pm at night.
I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.
We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.
A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.
The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.
I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.
The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.
The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.
The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.
Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.
God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.
I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.
He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.
Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.
One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.
He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?
I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.
Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.
He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.
I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.
This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...
I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.
We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.
A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.
The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.
I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.
The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.
The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.
The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.
Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.
God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.
I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.
He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.
Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.
One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.
He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?
I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.
Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.
He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.
I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.
This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...
Friday, June 25, 2010
ZOO JOB
WELL today was my first day at the zoo and it went really well!
I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(
First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.
Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.
Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:
I painted 275 dollars worth of people. :) I painted some good stuff and some okay stuff. In my opinion anyway. No complaints. I'm kind of sad that we are not allowed to accept tips because I got offered a lot of friggin tip money :(
First I painted with Myra and then with Lianne. We had slow times and rush times. And during my break I had lunch and then I had no idea what to do BUT! I ended up hanging out with aleks :) I met him at karoke the other night with marissa and he's pretty coooooo. I watched him work on a couple and then we talked for awhile. It was pretty chill. He is a cool guy. And he is CUTEE! I mean I'm not attracted to him because I would have felt that weirdo connection thing that you get when you like someone. But he is very nice to look at persay. It also helps that I don't like him cause then I can act like myself without any trouble at all.
Lianne is really cool too! We talked about people who passed by in secrets. Super fun.
Myra was nice but she is way older so we didn't have much to talk about.
Working again tomorrow. Besides with Jason, I wonder who. O:
Thursday, June 24, 2010
PMS
So much to talk about! so little time.
Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.
My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.
Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.
I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo
ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.
Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.
Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.
I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.
I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.
I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.
Anywho this week has been CRAZY!! AND it HAD to be the week I PMS :( This caused a million problems.
My mood is CRAZAY! I get like ten times more at drivers and I've been crying over brandon a lot more than usual.
Also I bloat when I PMS and it took me forever to find some pants and shorts for my baby whale of a body because I can barely feel my stomache at all. It gets all numb like its filled with water or something. I hate it :( I look disgusting.
I also cannot stop shoving food down my throat which has caused me to spend at least 30 dollars on food alone this WEEK. :( booo mag boooo
ALSO I cannot workout when I PMS because my boobs are so sore. It feels like someone punched them a million times. SO when I run, its like someone is moving my humungous bruises. I tried dealing with it last night, but I only lasted a mile.
Also I get tons of acne. So thats never fun.
Also I get really really tired. I get super fatigued and fall asleep easy. Trying to deal with that in math is horrible. I'm a bobble head in that class.
I haven't had any time for my farm :'( sadness. Its something I really enjoy and I am running out of crops that take longer than a day to grow and I don't have time to take care of the whole thing every 12 hours.
I miss brandon. He was my happy place away from everything in my world that bothered me or stressed me out. I could get away from everything just by being with him. I gave that up.
I will find someone I'm sure. And I will not settle for something to be safe either. I'm smart enough to know that I'm a unique person. And I will not let it go to waste.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Relationship
Its hard to capture in words how happy Brandon made me when we were together. No one has ever made me happier than he has and I don't think it will happen in a long time.
I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.
Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.
Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.
I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.
Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.
This pain
This conflict
I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.
We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.
If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.
But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.
I dream about him from time to time. New things. Old things.
Its painful to wake up. I miss him so much. I was cleaning my room and I found his graduation picture and some post it notes he made for me. I started to cry and I just sat there for maybe ten minutes just staring at them.
Sometimes something inside of me looks for what isn't there anymore. It looks for his arms and his kiss. It looks for every little thing that he did that made me happy.
I may be in much less pain than he is. But it doesn't mean that this pain is easy. I can't even imagine what he is going through if I feel like this.
Sometimes I feel like giving in and give him his one last night with me. I always say no but I want it so badly. Maybe even more than he wants it. I would love to just spend some last moments with him. But I can't. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would not stop holding him or kissing him. I know that I would not be able to tear my hands from his...I would not be able to let go again. This is why I cannot give in. Its so hard to resist. I'm always hairline away from letting him have what he wants because I want it too.
This pain
This conflict
I hope that if we meet again in the future that he is a changed person. I hope that he is happy and loving himself and life because if he is not, then there is no future for us. If I feel like my heart never becomes closer to anyone than when he had it, then I know he is the one for me.
We are extremely different people but our love was true and more amazing than anything you could imagine.
If he can be happy and love himself and I find myself looking for him again in the future, I know that we would have a happy life together. We would be one of the happiest couples in the world.
But for now it cannot be. The complications and reasons are endless.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
This week
I'm not at all excited for this week. This week will be absolutely insane in the membrane. I can handle chaos pretty well but it doesn't mean I enjoy it.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.
Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.
Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.
Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.
CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!
Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.
Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT
Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.
Anywho. Here is what I have planned PLANNED. More may happen.
Today: Movie for fathers day, then mass, then working out hopefully.
Monday: Work from 8-4:30. Then I have to go and find some shoes and pants and a belt for my zoo job. Then I can hopefully workout, or try to enjoy the little free time I will have left in my life because the craziness begins on tuesday believe it or not.
Tuesday: Work from 8-4:00. Math class from 4:30 to 6:30. Gym. Home. maybe some tv or comp. and then sleep.
Wednesday & Thursday will be the same as Tuesday only I might have to cram in hw somewhere in there and I will have to go to the zoo sometime to have orientation.
CRAZY! BUT OH NO! THE FUN'S NOT OVER YET!
Friday: Work from 7:30-10am at WH&G. Then zoo work from 11-5pm. Then I have no idea what I will do after that. maybe gym. maybe hanging out with someone. WHO KNOWS! I might be too exhausted to do anything.
Saturday: Work at the zoo from 9:30am to 6:00pm. FUN right?!?! IT GETS EVEN BETTER!! Not only will I be nervous out of my brains to facepaint these two days, but on saturday i will be at a booth with my boss :) YAY!! NOT
Sunday. I don't even know. I will get my new shcedule for the zoo and repeat this week about 5-6 more times. I can make it! I'm just not excited.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I'm preeetty excited for this weekend :)
I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?
Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)
ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;
Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.
I played heavy rain and watched a movie with raf and got to watch my bestest friend marissa do some dancing. What makes a day any better?!?!?
Brandon went out tonight. I'm really proud of him for doing so and I hope he has fun :)
ALSO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS SEEN TOY STORY EXCEPT FOR ME D;
Anywho. I hope I have a dream to write about for tomorrow.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
WOW Updates
So i was SOOOO freaking excited about this new blog layout thing. I think my blog looks BEAUTIFUL!!
So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.
What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.
I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.
Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.
Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)
I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.
I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.
Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)
So much to talk about and I only have 10 fingers to type.
What I did today. Lets start with that. I woke up and went to work. I filed and did some jobs for Sheena and Jessica. I had lunch with fausto, juan, miguel, and jason. Which! was KIND of a shame. Because I don't know why but everyone wanted to have lunch with me today. I felt kind of special O: Kevin wanted to go get lunch again but I had brought lunch today so that I wouldn't spend money on food again. Then tom and adolfo wanted to have lunch! But I told them the same thing. Soooo I ended up having lunch with the other guys. Anywho. Then I went and got Elliot's cake because today is his birthday. Then I had to go back out and get candles because we didn't have any. Then I set everything up and we sung to Elliot and I had cake with the guys.
I also came to a realization. I'm kind of glad that I don't get along with girls as well as guys. Girls cause too much drama. And I'm just fine with Marissa, Caitlin, and Catie as my closer girl friends. I talked to Jason and Fausto a lot today which was pretty cool.
Also! This weekend should be fun because toy story totally comes out AND me edward and eric are going to go see the karate kid. Kind of really excited for that.
Hello random people who read my blog? I have been getting random readers. Of course I probably jynxed it by saying something. But its okay because I really only do this for me anyway :)
I still mis Brandon from time to time. We are having a lot of problems right now. We always argue. I want to be here for him though and I am going to keep trying. Maybe a clean break completely would help us. We might try that. Not sure yet. Working on it.
I've shared my most intimate moments with him. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever stare at me the way he did. Or hold my face and kiss me the way he did. Or hold me in his arms the way he did. Or even just love me the way he did. If I can find no one that will do that for me, then I know he is the one. I know the love we had was true. I know that the love we had was real. I miss him but breaking up was a must for so many reasons that I have already explained.
Anyway. I'm doing good regardless. So much to be thankful for. So much i've been blest with and I use that to keep me going :)
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Doing Good
I have been doing REALLY good :)
Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.
I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.
I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!
Yes I still miss him and I still have feelings for him, but I don't let it run my life.
I don't let it affect the way I behave and I will not let it cloud the people and the life I have. I need to be grateful and enjoy my life the way it is.
I worked out today for 2 hours! IT WAS AWESOME!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Complain
I try not to complain. I really do. But recently has been just horrible.
My ankle still hurts.
I'm breaking out like crazy right now.
I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.
I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.
Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.
My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.
I can't stop shoving my face with food.
And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.
yay my life is awesome.
My ankle still hurts.
I'm breaking out like crazy right now.
I'm sick. In fact I feel like someone shoved a golf ball into my skull right behind my right eye. I can't smell and my sinuses are clogged like a toilet with too much toilet paper.
I might not go to UCSC next year because my teacher will not raise my 69.5% to a 70. I still have one more way that I could possibly go to UCSC in the fall but it is slim close to nothing that I will get that. I'm a failure once again.
Eric still really hasn't talked to me much. I think about him from time to time randomly.
My ex-boyfriend is upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me at all.
I can't stop shoving my face with food.
And OHYA! I'm having crazy painful cramps that make me feel like I'm giving birth and I started my period today. I'm officially clogged or in pain in 80% of my body's holes.
yay my life is awesome.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My Subway Recipe
My posts have been a bit down lately. So I'm writing this one to lighten things up. This is my typical subway sandwhich.
Spicy Italian
Toasted
On italian bread
American cheese
lettuce
extra tomato
cucumber
bell pepper
avocado
mayo
mustard
Masterpiece!
Spicy Italian
Toasted
On italian bread
American cheese
lettuce
extra tomato
cucumber
bell pepper
avocado
mayo
mustard
Masterpiece!
If I got what I wished for
I sat on my bed.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.
It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.
Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.
I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.
No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.
I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.
None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.
It is not happy.
I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.
I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.
I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.
I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.
I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.
I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.
I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.
I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.
I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.
I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.
I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.
I got what I wished for.
Tears streaming down my face.
Guilt and regret filled every crevice of my body.
It is too late.
I can't go back.
I did this for him.
I did this for me.
I did this for the possible us in the future.
Still he does not understand.
He lives in the could.
He lives in the what if.
He lives in the you don't know.
He lives in anger.
He lives behind walls of unhappiness and insecurity.
I need to see that he lives happily for more than just me.
I did not want to hurt him.
I did not want to leave him.
Yet he still does not understand.
No matter what I do, it feels like my fault.
Yet at the same time I know it is not.
I am ice within fire.
I am the lion and the lamb.
I am the sun and the moon.
I predator and the prey.
It is possible to be both.
Its overwhelming.
Its pain.
I don't want to be both.
But I have to.
To save.
I must be with and without him.
I must please and hurt.
I must cry and be happy.
I must be the ice within a fire.
None of this stops me from feeling like it is my fault.
I try and I fail.
I know and am in denial.
It is pain.
It is conflict.
It is not happy.
I could feel it in my finger tips.
I could smell the remorse from within me.
I could see the hideous person that I could be.
I could taste the tears that I deserved to cry.
I could hear the thunderous sobs coming from the core of my chest.
I laid there taking everything in.
I wished that I could not feel the guilt and loss of him in my skin.
I wished that I could not smell the the essence of me.
I wished that I did not have the ability to see what was in my face.
I wished that I could not taste the cry that was coming from my throat.
I wished that I could not hear the conflict in my mind.
I fell asleep with all of my senses battling over which could feel more pain.
I woke up.
But I could not open my eyes.
I tried to take a breath.
But I did not need one.
I felt empty.
I clenched my fist.
And my body obeyed.
But I did not feel it.
I knew that it had happened.
But my skin felt paralyzed and numb.
I knew I was moving.
But I could not feel.
I did not have any eyes.
I did not have a mouth.
My ears were gone.
And my nose was gone.
I did not have a face.
I looked deeper to see what I was and I did not have a brain.
I had a heart.
But its only job was to keep me alive.
I could not feel.
I could not see.
I could not taste.
I could not smell.
I could not hear.
I was like marble shaped into a human.
Barely existing.
I was not happy.
But I was not unhappy.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to feel good again.
Never to feel happiness.
Never to feel the warmth of someone's skin.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to see the sun.
Or the color of someone's eyes.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to taste the freshness of food again.
Or the softness or someone's kiss.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to smell a rose.
Or the musk of someone's breath.
I could no longer feel pain.
But I was never to hear music again.
Or the sound of someone's I love you.
I could no longer feel pain.
I could not feel.
I got what I wished for.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dear Dear
Dear iPhone,
You look so pretty right now. Don't let anyone tell you other wise ;D
Dear Summer,
I am SOO happy to see you. I am already busy with plans plans plans. I can't wait.
Dear Eric,
I really miss talking to you :'( I miss your texts too. I don't even care if we are just friends but I feel like we don't even have that anymore. I hope I'm crazy and you're right that you are just busy with school stuff. Anywho. I'll be waiting.
Dear Mr. Headache,
YOU ARE HURTING MEE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
agmay
You look so pretty right now. Don't let anyone tell you other wise ;D
Dear Summer,
I am SOO happy to see you. I am already busy with plans plans plans. I can't wait.
Dear Eric,
I really miss talking to you :'( I miss your texts too. I don't even care if we are just friends but I feel like we don't even have that anymore. I hope I'm crazy and you're right that you are just busy with school stuff. Anywho. I'll be waiting.
Dear Mr. Headache,
YOU ARE HURTING MEE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
agmay
I've been trying to sleep for the last two hours and I feel horrible. I know I have to but sometimes I don't think I can do this. Who will ever love me like that again? How did I even get so lucky. No one has made me happier than he has. Why did I do this to us...Why do I feel like I want to solidify my feelings.
I lie there in all of this pain and anguish and wonder what I was thinking. I hate that I did what I did. Its too late. I can't change my mind. I'm such an idiot.
writing helps. I think I can sleep now. My eyes hurt
I lie there in all of this pain and anguish and wonder what I was thinking. I hate that I did what I did. Its too late. I can't change my mind. I'm such an idiot.
writing helps. I think I can sleep now. My eyes hurt
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
If I had known that his prom was going to be the last he held me the way he did...I would not have left.
I told him so long ago, that there was a particular song that I wanted to dance to at our wedding. He requested it at his prom. It was the last song they played. I was so breath taken that he had remembered and that they were playing it. He held me so close and told me he loved me.
We spent most of that night being close to each other and I feel asleep in his arms. I was worried that his mom would be upset that we were sleeping in the same bed so several times I tried to get up and leave to sleep somewhere else even though I wanted to stay. Everytime I got up, he pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before, and everytime I did not fight it.
Right now I would do almost anything to relive that night...
I told him so long ago, that there was a particular song that I wanted to dance to at our wedding. He requested it at his prom. It was the last song they played. I was so breath taken that he had remembered and that they were playing it. He held me so close and told me he loved me.
We spent most of that night being close to each other and I feel asleep in his arms. I was worried that his mom would be upset that we were sleeping in the same bed so several times I tried to get up and leave to sleep somewhere else even though I wanted to stay. Everytime I got up, he pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before, and everytime I did not fight it.
Right now I would do almost anything to relive that night...
I miss Brandon so much. A lot of the time, I'm okay or distracted or whatever but sometimes I still feel the pain from losing something that I loved dearly. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. I've never given so much of myself to someone. It was hard to do what I did. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is still so much that I want with him.
I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.
I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.
But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.
I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.
I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.
All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.
I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.
he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.
Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.
I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.
I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.
This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.
This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.
I want, to KNOW that we should spend our lives together. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel like I should see what else is out there. If I could have changed the way I felt about everything I would have. I would have done anything for him... I hate that I cause him constant pain. His pain is my pain. I'm just stronger.
I love what we had and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I have the hunger to know what else there is. I don't want to live our relationship in long distance arguments. I won't. We both deserve to be happy and it wasn't going to happen long distance. I know that this will help us both in the long run, but it is so hard right now. I feel like I'm missing something sometimes.
I know he had faults, but I lived with them. The rest of him made up for everything and more. His unconditional love was so pure and perfect. I didn't and don't deserve that but he gave it to me anyway. For him I never looked bad. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but he made me feel that way. He made me feel special no matter how many mistakes I made. I feel like I will never find anyone like that again.
But I have to know. I refuse to risk the happiness of me and him on a hunch. I refuse to stay safe for now, and be unhappy in years to come. I don't deserve that. Brandon doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will know that they will be happy with him for the rest of his life.
I wish I knew. I wish I that I knew in my gut that he was the one I want forever and that I would be happy with him forever. You have no idea how badly I want to feel this way. I hate thinking about all of this.
I hate crying myself to sleep at night when I feel empty without him.
I hate that I know I can't go back to him anytime soon if ever.
I hate that I cause him constant pain for hurting him.
I hate that I hurt him....
I hate that his hurting is my fault because of the way I am.
I hate that I can't do anything to make him happy sometimes.
All of this hate is overwhelming. I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for all of this but I do. This is all of my doing and being. Its my fault. Its me.
I hope to look at him from a distance and see him happy. I hope that I ache because I'm not as happy as he is. I hope that he truly learns to love himself for who he really is. I hope that when I look at his life in the future, that he is smiling and happy.
he means the world to me and I will always care for him. I do still see a future with him as an option, but only time will set that in stone or not. If I still feel like my heart belongs to him in a few years, then I know for sure that he is the one.
Sometimes when I think about what I have done to him, about how much I've hurt him for just being me, I hope that he does find someone else. I hope that he finds a girl that will make him happier than I did. He deserves to be loved and taken care of. He deserves to be happy all the time, not just sometimes. He deserves a girl that will be there for him everyday.
I can't do these things and sometimes I felt so helpless and useless because thats what girlfriends are supposed to do. I did this so that he can have that chance too. He may think that I'm the only one that he will ever want, but he doesn't know for sure and if he can find someone better than me, then he deserves it. He deserves a lot that I can't give him anytime soon.
I wish everyone understood all of this. I hate the thought of anyone using him as a rebound. I would never do that to him. I really do want the best for him, and I know that right now its not me.
This is so hard because I want to be with him so badly. I hurt without him sometimes and I think I will for awhile. I want to hold his hand and watch him fall asleep. I want him to sing me a song and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away. He is so warm and amazing to lie next to. I can remember being stressed about everything and just seeing him would get rid of it.
This hurts. But I have to do it. No turning back anytime soon. My bones are broken, but they will heal. I'm strong and I can do this.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I'm writing this in tears and heartache and pain but it makes me SO ANGRY.
How DARE you! How dare you assume these things about me. You don't know how much I love him and how much of myself I gave to him. I did this for both of us, not just me. I loved him with everything that I had.
I WANTED things to work out. I still do but I need to make sure its what I want because if I'm not sure, we will both suffer in the long run.
Amanda. Do NOT compare our relationship to yours. I am not you and Brandon is not steve and Brandon and I had a relationship that you and Steve will never come even close to. Brandon never physically hurt me and never went behind my back to do anything hurtful to me. I did NOT just break up with him because of the distance. Don't act like you understand why I broke up with him because you don't and you never will or you would be helping Brandon through this instead of telling him that It was my fault for everything.
I want more than anything for him to be happy. But he needs to do it the right way and I was only a temporary solution. We can't be together if doesn't see what he is for himself. His insecurity was hurting both of us and the distance made it harder.
HOW DARE you think that I am using him as a rebound. That is the last reason I broke up with him. I would never do that to ANYONE...
I want that future with him and by giving him up I am giving him that chance to see if I am really the one. He has every right to see who he wants and to see if he can find someone to make him happier than I can. He may not be able to find that soon but I want him to have that chance because I need that chance too. If I don't get him back because he found someone else then good. Because he deserves to be happy. In NO way am I keeping him in my life as a safety net.
I am keeping him in my life because I want to help him get through this. I really really want him to be happy. I know he can't do it on his own and if he hurts anywhere as near as much as I do or did by leaving him, then he needs someone.
You have no idea how much I miss his touch or his kiss. You have no idea how much I wish I could fall asleep in his arms one last time. But I had to do this. And don't you DARE assume that you know what I went through or what I am going through. I gave him everything I had and I've never loved anyone more than I loved him.
So stop.
How DARE you! How dare you assume these things about me. You don't know how much I love him and how much of myself I gave to him. I did this for both of us, not just me. I loved him with everything that I had.
I WANTED things to work out. I still do but I need to make sure its what I want because if I'm not sure, we will both suffer in the long run.
Amanda. Do NOT compare our relationship to yours. I am not you and Brandon is not steve and Brandon and I had a relationship that you and Steve will never come even close to. Brandon never physically hurt me and never went behind my back to do anything hurtful to me. I did NOT just break up with him because of the distance. Don't act like you understand why I broke up with him because you don't and you never will or you would be helping Brandon through this instead of telling him that It was my fault for everything.
I want more than anything for him to be happy. But he needs to do it the right way and I was only a temporary solution. We can't be together if doesn't see what he is for himself. His insecurity was hurting both of us and the distance made it harder.
HOW DARE you think that I am using him as a rebound. That is the last reason I broke up with him. I would never do that to ANYONE...
I want that future with him and by giving him up I am giving him that chance to see if I am really the one. He has every right to see who he wants and to see if he can find someone to make him happier than I can. He may not be able to find that soon but I want him to have that chance because I need that chance too. If I don't get him back because he found someone else then good. Because he deserves to be happy. In NO way am I keeping him in my life as a safety net.
I am keeping him in my life because I want to help him get through this. I really really want him to be happy. I know he can't do it on his own and if he hurts anywhere as near as much as I do or did by leaving him, then he needs someone.
You have no idea how much I miss his touch or his kiss. You have no idea how much I wish I could fall asleep in his arms one last time. But I had to do this. And don't you DARE assume that you know what I went through or what I am going through. I gave him everything I had and I've never loved anyone more than I loved him.
So stop.
Friday, May 14, 2010
A lot is changing. I can tell that who I am is changing too. I have had so much go through my mind lately. Its so stressful and overwhelming sometimes. I've been sleeping a lot to help. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about it.
I dreamt about him last night though. I was asleep on my bed and I woke up crying. I was too weak to open my eyes so I just laid there on my side with tears streaming down my face. I remember that I could barely move. And then he came into my room. Just like he had so many times before, he laid down next me, sliding his arm under my head and pulled me close to him. He held me and wiped my tears away and sang to me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay. That not just the drama with us, but that everything else that was bothering me would go away. I opened my eyes once and he was smiling at me and I remember seeing the color of his eyes again and remembering how beautiful they were. He had the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. Then he pulled me even closer and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying and fell asleep. But technically I woke up since it was a dream.
I miss him so much. I really do. We did have a lot of problems with the distance and everything, but I really do miss him so much. He is still a huge part of me. I can still feel where he is inside of me. I need to be strong and do this though. I thought I would be much worse off than this but I try to distract myself so that helps.
I really hate that I like Eric so much too. Its so stressful. I was so sure that he liked me too but now I'm not. I've come to a conclusion that I don't like but I'm willing to think about that instead of what I'm missing that Brandon has. Either way I think about something that hurts, only one hurts more than the other.
I'm used to the lesser hurt though. This feeling that I have, that someone that I like does not like me back is not new. I've felt this before countless times. I've been through this cycle before. Some girls let this drive them crazy I think. Only once in my life have I had feelings for someone and have them return the feelings back to me. I had to let him go for reasons that most people would not understand. Oh sure guys have liked me, but that doesn't mean that I've returned the feelings back.
I have an admiration for someone that does not feel the same way about me. Or at least I think so. I might just be crazy but I guess we'll find out.
I need to get through this math final and then I can stop stressing out about that.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to like someone and be in love with someone else at the same time? Its extremely conflict. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. The love that I cannot go back to yet if I do go back, and the likeness that I have for someone else and the guilt for feeling these both at the same time. Its so confusing. It nags at my mind all the time.
I try not to think about any of this. I really do with all of my might try but I hardly ever succeed. I just want to play some ping pong. Is that too much to ask for? I want someone to take away all feeling just for a little while. I just want to be at oblivious ease. Just for a little while. I need a break.
I dreamt about him last night though. I was asleep on my bed and I woke up crying. I was too weak to open my eyes so I just laid there on my side with tears streaming down my face. I remember that I could barely move. And then he came into my room. Just like he had so many times before, he laid down next me, sliding his arm under my head and pulled me close to him. He held me and wiped my tears away and sang to me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay. That not just the drama with us, but that everything else that was bothering me would go away. I opened my eyes once and he was smiling at me and I remember seeing the color of his eyes again and remembering how beautiful they were. He had the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. Then he pulled me even closer and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying and fell asleep. But technically I woke up since it was a dream.
I miss him so much. I really do. We did have a lot of problems with the distance and everything, but I really do miss him so much. He is still a huge part of me. I can still feel where he is inside of me. I need to be strong and do this though. I thought I would be much worse off than this but I try to distract myself so that helps.
I really hate that I like Eric so much too. Its so stressful. I was so sure that he liked me too but now I'm not. I've come to a conclusion that I don't like but I'm willing to think about that instead of what I'm missing that Brandon has. Either way I think about something that hurts, only one hurts more than the other.
I'm used to the lesser hurt though. This feeling that I have, that someone that I like does not like me back is not new. I've felt this before countless times. I've been through this cycle before. Some girls let this drive them crazy I think. Only once in my life have I had feelings for someone and have them return the feelings back to me. I had to let him go for reasons that most people would not understand. Oh sure guys have liked me, but that doesn't mean that I've returned the feelings back.
I have an admiration for someone that does not feel the same way about me. Or at least I think so. I might just be crazy but I guess we'll find out.
I need to get through this math final and then I can stop stressing out about that.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to like someone and be in love with someone else at the same time? Its extremely conflict. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. The love that I cannot go back to yet if I do go back, and the likeness that I have for someone else and the guilt for feeling these both at the same time. Its so confusing. It nags at my mind all the time.
I try not to think about any of this. I really do with all of my might try but I hardly ever succeed. I just want to play some ping pong. Is that too much to ask for? I want someone to take away all feeling just for a little while. I just want to be at oblivious ease. Just for a little while. I need a break.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
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