Tired

I'm really tired but for some reason I just want to go out and dance.

Which is good because I am going to a party tomorrow and out dancing on Friday. :)
I'm excited to get dressed up. I haven't in awhile. And dancing is fun too :)
Im on my break right now at the zoo. Except that we have hour long breaks now and I don't know what to do with myself for the second half of it.
I wonder if I can type faster than I can text. Hmmmm. Cause this is going pretty fast.

I've been thinking about everything and trying to simmer down the enflamed feelings I have towards the whole thing because
A) I like hanging out with Eddie and I will end up doing so at some point sometime this week.
B) I hate feeling angry or hurt about something. I hate being emotional for things like this.
C) I just need to get over it I guess. Not forget it. Never forget it. But accept it so that I can enjoy everything else.
D) when I get stressed out I stuff my face with any food that I can get my hands on. I just had a huge lunch and I feel like I want to barf.

Good Things:
Let's talk about some good things shall we?

-I don't get hung over. And I was thinking about something. I need to get my drinking and partying in during my young years because it's weird if you do it well into your thirties I think. Hmm. I trust myself not to let it get out of control of course. But just a thought. And I am a lucky one that doesn't get hung over so I should be thankful for that.
- face painting makes me happy. It's opened a whole new view on life for me. Dramatic no? I can confidently say that i am good at facepainting. I feel like there are few things that I cam proudly say I'm good at so when I find something, I run with it. Another insight: face painting is art. Every artist persay has their own style. Interesting. I feel like if I can pull off face painting, then why not other artistic things. Would I be a good artist? I feel like I get appraised for my face painting work every day. People love it and tell me how talented I am. It's extremely flattering. I can't even explain. I don't let if get to my head though. Because I don't want to be one of those people. I know that kind of person in my head but it's hard to explain. Anyway I love kinds and I love facepainting. Bam done
-Brandon and I are trying to work things out I think. With a date of expiration I think that our patience levels have risen. I don't WANT to break up with him. But if there is no improvement then I will be the stronger one to end it on our set date. I have to. But this is about good things and I see a light in the horizon if it keeps going like this. He has not complained about me hanging out with Eddie. I'm extremely proud of this. And he has sounded over all happier. And when he whines I can laugh at his cuteness and he won't get mad. :) and then he laughs too and it all gets better. Crossing my fingers for this hill that's going up.
-Last good thing before I go back to work. My break is almost over. Minor good thing but still good. I am getting paid nicely next Monday :)

Broken Anger

I am finding out that my mom is the only exception to this. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I cannot seem to act angry. I can't act pissed or mad. And I don't know why!

I don't know what it is.... that I can't just act mad and blow up on someone. So weird :(

When I should be mad or when I should act mad, my brain won't translate the way I want to act.

SUB-BLOG "What I remember from last night"
Playing Flip Cup - This was fun. Good times. Really fun

sitting down and playing king's cup. Really Fun. The middle of the game is when the alcohol hit me. I remember that it hit me because I started laughing a lot more and sneaking more alcohol into other people's drinks hahaha. That was funny actually.

After King's cup - I remember hugging catie and feeling mayte's head and eddie's head to see who was warmer. Kinda blurry but I remember. Then I remember hugging catie and michelle and rosie and then I started giving them eskimo kisses except I used my cheek instead of my nose hahaha. Still good.
I remember talking and laughing and trying to sit in chairs unsuccessfully.

When it went bad - Everyone was really drunk except for mayte and michelle. I decided to go over and snuggle with michelle and so I did. And then Rosie stood up and started talking and Eddie stood up with her. And Eddie put his arms around her from the back. And Rosie was still talking and started laughing. They were pressing their faces together and Eddie looked like he was sniffing her neck while having his arms all over her. Burned into my head forever. Unfortunately. Certain images get burned into my brain every now and then. I can't control which ones they are. Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad. This one was bad of course.

I immediately said, "woah woah woah Eddie YOU have a girlfriend and SHE has a boyfriend! You guys shouldn't be doing that!" I remember looking directly at them and them just laughing and ignoring me. Then I stood up and I said, "WOW I do NOT condone cheating no matter who the fuck it is." and I stormed out. I was MAD!

I was mumbling and stomping the whole way out. I had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't go back to my house so I walked to Carl's jr only to find out that it was closed. But I was drunk so I wasn't thinking logically. So them I stomped back to my house to find that they were looking for me. All except for Eddie and Rosie.

Eddie with his shirt off in Rosie's arms next to my front lawn. I couldn't even look at them. I was so angry. I went to the bathroom and they were still there.

I heard my name but I had no idea what they were talking about.

I had found out later that they kissed each other for recording cameras in my room after I stormed out. Lovely.

Michelle eventually cleaned eddie's puke and his clothes. But eddie puked in my room again.

Then I walked back to the corner of the block and hung out with Catie and Mayte.

Dear God thank you for Mayte. She took care of us while we were drunk.

I called brandon and talked to him and vented to him. I talked to mayte and I talked to catie. Then Catie took mayte home and I went with them.

Then I called one of my friends and talked to him.

Then when I got home they were in my room. I had to get my phone charger and I couldn't find it. And then eddie started talking to me.

And I said I'm mad at you eddie. But I don't remember saying it in a mad way because I don't know how. And he kept asking me what he did wrong and on a scale of one to ten how bad it was blah blah blah.
I kept telling him to go to bed because I didn't want to talk about it but he was being really persistant. Then I left and I forgot my phone so I had to go back to my room. Guh.

And he was in my pajamas on my bed this time instead of the floor and mumbling to himself. Didn't even bother talking to him. grabbed my phone and left.

Tried to sleep on the couch unsuccessfully.

I had work the next morning blah.

END SUB-BLOG

So in this case, Edward castro and Rosie kloh.

1.) I love Rosie to death but its not like she hasn't done something like this before and I cannot control her. I wasn't really surprised. I do love her though. With all of my heart. No matter what she does.

2) Which is weird. Because I love eddie too. But I guess I was more mad at him because I never thought he'd do anything like this. I can't even begin to explain how shocked I was that he just ignored me and did what he did with Rosie. KNOWING that she had a boyfriend. Cheating is a HUGE no-no for me from ANYONE.
And for some reason I felt betrayed and not surprised at the same time. Knowing a lot of the things he's done, not surprised that he hooked up with someone. The shock came into the fact that he cheated and that it was with my cousin. MY COUSIN! My little cousin... In front of my face and other people's faces.

Another thing I do not understand. HOW on EARTH can you claim that you love someone when you do things like that so easily? I don't get it.
This makes me think that when he told me that he loved me, I was just some kind of phase. Something that was available? I was just something he wanted temporarily and made it seem like it was a forever ago kind of thing. I don't know how to explain it. I don't expect him to wait around for me to see if I change my mind. I don't expect him to do things like that. But how can he expect for me to believe him when he does things like this so easily? It just reinforces the ludicrousness of the concept to me. It just made it seem like more of a joke to me. Some weird strange joke that happened in the spur of the moment.
I'm not sure if this makes sense. But its the best way I can think to explain it.
And then its like, how do you expect there to be any chance for us at all with this kind of behavior? You loved me? Lies perhaps. Fluffed up information. It's strange to be angry about something like this I suppose but then comes the next part.

I had this person in my head of who he is and what he believes in and doesn't believe in. And its like that model that I had of him went through an earthquake. Everything is shaken and somethings are broken.

To me cheating is a big deal. And my former Eddie was responsible and true to this as well. And that was shattered. Completely shattered. Like a thin sheet of glass the size of a wall that has fallen over. My respect for the character that kept that thin sheet of glass unbroken just decreased extremely.

This responsible and faithful to only one person persona that I saw in my best friend is gone. I think that's what I'm most shocked about. Its hard to find people that are like this and to be close to eddie and feel like I knew that there were people like me out there with him feels kind of like a lie now. I feel like I never know which rule he might break next. I feel like I don't know who he really is in a way? I don't know if I'm just being melodramatic or not but I don't care because its the way I feel. I feel like in a way I can't trust him in certain areas of character now.

I guess mostly I'm just hurt and betrayed as a friend and disappointed.

Another reason I am PISSED is for poor Julie. I don't even know her...
But I know what its like.
I fell in love with someone once. Completely in love. And when he stopped talking to me it was because he was in love with someone else. I had watched them talk to each other almost every day. I watched as she replaced what I used to be for him. And I was heart broken. It took me a good 3 months before I could think about it without wincing or hurting internally.

And I wasn't even in an official relationship with him. I can't even imagine being in a relationship with someone and then knowing they did things with someone else. I can't even imagine. I feel like no one deserves that....

No one deserves to be heart broken through cheating. I even thought about messaging her to make sure she would be okay. I hope she is.


So I went on kind of a really long tangent.

But anyway. When Eddie came over I was still mad of course. Mad mad mad. And he asked me if I had wanted to say anything else but I couldn't. How would I say it? I don't know how to act mad. I don't know how. And when I try to act mad, no one believes me because I don't sound mad.

And Its sooooo hard to act mad. The things he did made me angry and hurt me. Thinking about what I saw and what he did makes me blood boil almost but when I was watching TV with him, I didn't even last the episode to act angry even though I still am angry. Its weird.

I guess I don't know what its like to black out and lose control because of alcohol and I do not plan on aiming for that but I still do not think its any kind of excuse.

I feel like a little kid that is heart broken because she had to flush her only and first fish down the toilet.

I almost want to go back in time and give him a really big hug. I would be crying though. I would be saying goodbye to a part of my friend.

I still love him. And I still care about him. And I will get over this but its not something that can be brushed under the rug for me.


I know this whole thing sounds dramatic but it has all crossed my mind today. I don't care if I'm being dramatic because I write for me and me only. And THIS is how I am feeling.

"Trust is like a mirror,
you can fix it if it's broken,
but you can still see the crack in the reflection"

I feel like I had to say goodbye to a part of my best friend that I never thought would disappear. I'm hurt that a mirror that is really valuable to me had to get a crack straight down the middle.


TO DO LIST:
Learn how to get mad the right way so I don't seem like i'm hiding anything or seem like I'm a push over.

GRRR

I'm the ONLY 21 year old in the WORLD that has a freaking curfew that is before midnight. So. Dumb.

Summer

Wow so I've been crazy busy but I love it.

Things that I've been up to/have done:

1. Working at the zoo. Love it!
2. Training the new people for the summer
3. Went bowling with eddie, jess, sarah, raf, jimmy, and others. That was really fun. We went to denny's after that
4. Crystal's surprise party. yay fun
5. Skyping with my friend's from santa cruz
6. Spent three and a half lovely days with brandon. <3
7. Painted eddie catie and mayte.
8. Just hung out with friends
9. Watching tv with catie and dominic
10. Went to rosie's graduation and then had a party with my family.

And that is all in one week!!!

Bottom line: It's been amazing so far. :) Except the fact that I'm broke haha. I am working on that problem though. And the whole bed situation. Working on that too haha

Lots more to come :) I'll try to write more but I tend to drift away when I get busy.

Tracy

So I know for a fact that you check this regularly. I'm not exactly sure why but I now know its not because you care about what I think about. Maybe its because you might think I would write about you a lot? Maybe Its because you are nosy? I don't know but for whatever reason I've decided to take advantage of this.

#1. Your reason for ending our friendship: Firstly you said because I left you stuck with living with a stranger. Which you did when you moved onto this floor. I do apologize for that. I did apologize for that but I don't think its a good reason to call me a back stabbing friend because of it. The other reason you claimed to 'step back' from our relationship is because I held back during the Jeff situation. Well guess what? Ben or Brian didn't really step into that situation either but for some reason you were mad at me for 'holding back' because I was being 'dishonest'.

#2. REALLY Pissed me off when you said that you had apologized when there was no word in your sentence that was 'sorry' or 'apologize'. Don't get it. I even have proof. I recorded the whole conversation to go over just to make sure I wasn't crazy hearing some of the things you said. And honestly I don't care if you get mad at me for it because there were people outside the door listening anyway.

#3. You called me immature. You called me immature for being wishy washy. Story of your life Tracy. Even Ben and Brian hate it when you're wishy washy.

#4. We were all trying to have a serious conversation and you started laughing at me. And you called me immature? Don't get it.

#5. People who cry from time to time can have backbones. If I didn't have a back bone then I wouldn't have fought back that night. The fact that I cry won't stop me from getting a job in the real world. Pff

#6. You were mad at me for 'holding back things from you' when you are holding things back still. Why don't you confront Marina about how she annoys you? Are you being dishonest then? Why didn't you tell me that you were mad at me when you got mad at me? You held it back for two weeks. You threw away our friendship away because of it. You weren't really my friend then. If you had cared about being my friend then you would have tried to talk to me or work it out. You held back. Dishonesty.

#7. Jeff and I cared about you as a friend and whenever Ben and Brian said things about you, we always kept our mouths shut. I don't care if you go to them and talk to them about it because they'll just make up some excuse like 'we tell you everything anyway.' Well remember that time you confronted ben about roy's ramen? After that I kept my mouth shut or you would have confronted ben and brian a lot more often. And if they really 'didn't care' if everything they said got back to you then they would say it to your face, not to me or jeff.

You meant a lot to me which was why I was crying a lot of the time. But apparently I wasn't the same for you. Ben and Brian meant a lot to me too. You always came through for me as a friend until that night. I honestly think that you just created the situation for your own reasons. Maybe you're addicted to drama? Maybe you just never liked me and now you had an 'excuse' to get mad at me? There could be a million reasons and I think I get the general idea.

After the dance thing I wasn't surprised that Ben or Brian made up the excuse that my standards for a friendship were too high. I guess we all have different opinions of what friends are there for. I have never, however, heard that before in my life.
I didn't expect this kind of thing from you though tracy.

I am sad that we all couldn't stay friends because we had some good times and I really enjoyed hanging out with you all. But even a lot of the people on the floor came through for me more than you guys did. And I thought I was closer to you.

I know you'll read this and you might even go to ben and brian and tell them and show them. Go ahead. They can reassure you that I'm being the unreasonable one. That's what you want isn't it?
Go ahead and tell your other friends or your sisters or brothers. Tell them that I was crazy and childish and a bitch. They'll all reassure you too. Tell you, you aren't crazy. They'll be on your side like you want.

You can tell as many people as you want. I have nothing to hide. I even have the conversation if you want me to send it to you so that you can show them.

You might even just tell ben and brian just the bad things in this blog. You might tell them certain things so that you'll look like the good person in this situation. You probably won't even tell them that you talk about marina or any of the other things that you've told me.

I don't care though. Because in the end, you and I both know the real reasons you created this situation. You and I both know why you chose to end our friendship like this. Even if I'm the only one that knows, that's enough for me. I only hope that you can realize it yourself and admit it to yourself so that the next person that opens up to you can keep the friendship they make with you.

I cared about you Tracy and I'm extremely hurt and disappointed that you said and did these things.

But I'm not alone. I have a lot of people I can depend on so that I can move on. I wish the same for you.

Denny's With Friends

Went to Denny's with my friends to say bye and hang out one last time until the fall. Im really going to miss them :( we had a really fun time this quarter and they're really amazing.

Can't wait to be costumes director with monica. Love her. Love Laura. Love Jose. Love mago. Love themmmm.

We are going to have a party for their birthdays too!!!! :)) so I get to see them at least once during the summer.

I will write a lot more when I get home. Mago and I are getting breakfast before we hit the road tomorrow and i need to get some sleep.

Gnight :)

SPRING SHOW!/ Moving out

Just a few things before I continue my paper.

ALL GOOD THINGS!

1.) Spring show is going amazing :) Everyone is doing an amazing job!!! Can't wait to get back on mainstage again tonight.

2.) Freaking LOVE Monica and Laura and Margarita and Aaron and Jose. They're my new posse here and they are my best friends here. I don't know what I would do without them. SO excited to be apart of Core next year as a co-costume director with Monica :D Can't wait!

3.) My amazing Mejicas/dance friends have taken me to so many parties. We take turns drinking and being designated driver. I feel like my dance friends and the things we do together and parties we go to is EXACTLY what I wanted from a college experience. They are my family away from home and I love them dearly. I am going to miss them when I go home for the summer but a awesome year is coming up in the fall :)

4.) I was touched at how many people from dance checked up on me and helped me with my ankle. Even Ben pulled through for that so it was nice to know that he was there to help.

5.) SO EXCITED TO GO HOME!

6.) HUGE AFTER PARTY TONIGHT! After the spring show is our last party of the year. Can't wait to get drunk and have some fun with my mejicas family.

So that's that for now :) I decided I wanted a picture in this haha

Its only a chunk of people :) There are so many other amazing people that aren't in this photo.

Brandon

I miss you :(

so much.

Less than a week and I get to be in your arms again and hold your hand and kiss you.

I can't wait to spend time with you.

I've been so busy. And I love it!

But I love you too. And I just wanted to say that I miss you my love.

Stanford

So every year Stanford asks our folklorico group to dance at their spring show. We tell them what regions we have learned and then they pick two regions to perform. This year they picked Colima and Durango :)

Blanca needed me to drive and I was happy to say yes because I wanted to go support them and watch the show anyway. Plus I get to drive my kids (Monica, Jose, Laura, and margarita) So it should be fun :)

Also! Isabel hurt her back really badly and she might not perform and blanca needed a shadow for Durango so I might have to dance that at the spring show too! Which I'm excited about. I love dancing. I know my family and friends back home would come if they could. I don't blame them for anything.

And the crazy thing is that there are so little guys that only they get to have three regions. Margarita and Rosanna and are the only three girls that have two regions. If I get to perform Durango I'll be like a boy since I will have three regions haha. That would be fun :)

I think we are going to party after the show tonight yay.

AND we are so close to getting our apartment!!! :D
I'm excited to live with mariela and blanca.

P.S.

Why am I so freaking emotional? In a way I'm horrendously jealous of Eddie and Eric.

I'm jealous that they can just keep their emotions in check all the time. I'm jealous that they are more made out of rock rather than play dough like me.

But then I'm not. I feel like I can see some things in a much more beautiful way because of how easily I am touched. simple things.

But it can be tiring. And right now I am weary and I wish I could do what they do.

Dance friends

I feel like they are my family here. They never let me down. They are always there for me.

I forget all of my troubles when I'm with them.

They appreciate me.
They hug me everyday.
They actually tell me that they love me...

I have never been apart of such a large loving group of people and i am so thankful for them.

Im glad I have people that love me here.

I am growing close to smaller group within the large group: Jose, Laura, Monica, Margarita, Aaron.

They are so fun! We click so well. I love hanging out with them. I love dancing with them. We have had some really good times. I have been spending a lot of time with them.

We are getting closer but I don't feel like I should talk to them about my troubles just yet. They help me forget about them without even trying and I love that.

Things we've done together:
-got drunk
-toad trip to Oakland
-danced in monica's apartment together
-eaten out together
-car rides together
-performances


I'm jealous of them though. They all have family and friends coming to our spring show. I've been working so hard all year for this show and I have no one to show my accomplishments to :'(
My family can't come.
My boyfriend can't come.
My floor friends said that they would be too busy to come :( I feel like they are just going to forget about me since im not living with them next year. :'( I feel like they already are. I feel like I deserve to be forgotten because I let myself get attached...

Ilove dancing and I love performing but I think the two nights I will be dancing my spring show, I will just feel like I am Dancing for no one. :(

Catie

I am SO angry that she did this. Its overwhelming. I feel like I could punch a cliff and make it shatter. I feel like I could scream loud enough to shake the world.

But

I'm so worried sick about her. I'm so worried for her well being.

She's been through so much. We've been through so much with her.

It hurts to be me...

It hurts for her to compare herself to me. It hurts me that she does this it makes me want to be a bad person so that she cam feel better about herself.

She is such a good person but she is so self destructive. She is so emotional. She is so impulsive.

It cuts me on the inside that she suffers so much.

I've prayed to God to let bad things happen to me, to trade for some happiness and well being for her. Just let everything happen to me. Let my life crumble. Let me lose everything so that she can be happy.

I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I would trade anything. Give up anything. Go through anything so that she could live a normal happy life without being so self destructive.

Take me God. Take me...

Please take me. Let her live. Let her be happy.

I am stronger than her. I can bear it. She cannot. And I can't lose her...

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this here. I hope she gets out next week i hope she doesnt do time. I wish I could do the time for her... I need to go home.

Thank God for Mayte
Thank God for Brandon
Thank God for Eddie

Change

Things and people are changing.

Everything is shifting.

I feel like my brain is a rubics cube and everything is shifting. It's tiring.

I can't wait to go home.

Hopes

I write this in hopes that it will help Brandon trust me more.

There is a guy that I know here. There is lots of potential there. And I wouldn't say that he has a crush on me, but I think he sees the potential there too.

Most people are not stupid and they usually sense when they have chemistry with someone or when they get along in a certain way. You avoid these people or draw a very fine line when you are in a relationship. Why? For obvious reasons. I shouldn't even have to explain these.

I can see that it would be easy for us to end up liking each other because of what we have in common and how often we are at the same place.

But I just lightly brush everything off. I tell him that I'm busy when he wants me to eat with him. I wave and say hi instead of stopping to talk to him when he sees me. I keep it light and make sure that we just don't get that opportunity for anything to grow.

I crush that potential. I don't regret it and I'm not sad because of what it could be. And I'm not being mean to him either. But this is what people do when they are in a relationship with someone else.

I love you brandon. I know that I made this very mistake with Eric. And you need to trust me when I tell you that if I thought I liked someone, I would tell you, which I did the first time. Only this time, I will stop it in its tracks. I'm very sorry for how I acted with Eric. It was inexcusable. But I did not lie to you and I did not keep anything from you and I think that is the more important part.

Even with our problems, you are still the most important to me and I will not jeopardize our relationship over anyone else while I am with you.

Bored

Wow I am actually bored for once. Hopefully Brandon will get home soon (But I hope he stays out as long as possible because I like it when he socializes. He needs it more.) or Eddie will sign on or something. But in the mean time...

Proud of myself though. :) I had a 5 page paper due today and I finished it EARLY AND I went to my TA's office hours to ask questions and I was on time to class etc. etc. Very happy about that.

I am performing at the Multicultural Festival this Saturday and Tracy and Jason and Jeff are going to go so I'm pretty excited about that :)

Also I've been writing myself. Top secret of course. There is something extremely freeing about writing without limitations. Not that I have a lot of limits here but I have some very selfish and human thoughts. :( Thoughts that I wouldn't want anyone to know. I've been addicted to writing there without limits. There I can just write down everything that I feel without holding back. I like it a lot. But I still like this too. Writing is a luxury for me.

:)

ta ta for now

Random things

I have so much to do. I can't wait for the summer. I'm at the dining hall by myself right now. I'm at the 9/10 one. I had a meeting close by and I have Veracruz practice at 6:15 so I didn't want to go all the way back to porter.

I seriously have so much to do and when I do, I just get more tired and use the excuse that I will do it after I get some good sleep.

Veracruz is gonna kick my ass. I need the workout anyway. I've been working out more. I think my legs are more toned now because of dancing so much which I didn't want because then my muscles are that much more defined and manly looking. I have abs though! They are hidden behind my fat but I can feel it. Amanda must have some crazy muscles too because she is strongggg.

There is going to be a big storm soon. It's been sprinkling and thunder for the past few hours. I feel like it's going to be full blown. I'm kind of excited except that I don't like walking around in the storm but I LOVE watching it from behind my window.

It's really beautiful here. I'm going to miss it when I go back to San Diego.

I am seriously considering starting my own face paint booth. I would make so much money... I would have to invest in my own legit paint set which I would absolutely love. I need to head down to my class now. Peace!

Dream

Dream

I had this one During a nap. 

I was sleeping in my living room on my couch when my mom started screaming. I woke up and ran down the hallway. She was in catie's room. And there was a tv on the floor connected to a game system and catie on the floor.  Only catie wasn't her normal size. She was tiny. Maybe a few inches tall and a centimeter in diameter. She was wearing bright Colored clothes too. So strange. She was passed out laying on the floor. I was obviously completely shocked. I didn't even know what to do. She looked dead. I went over and knelt beside her and carefully picked her up. I was terrified that she was dead and I started crying. 
"Catie if you're alive please say something...please move..." I said. 
Nothing happened. 
"Please catie please..." I pled. And then she twitched. She was mumbling something too but she was still unconscious. 
"You have to go save her.." my mom said. 
I don't know how I knew but I had to go into the game and save her. I don't remember how but suddenly I was in the game. I was in a crowded room. It looks like an old western bar. A lot like the bar in the pirates of the carribean actually.  There were all kinds of people.  Some were players of course. I guess you just went into the game looking like anything because when I looked down at myself I was asian. I was maybe 16 years old and I had blonde hair. I had a gun strapped to my back and I was wearing a black tank top and a green miniskirt. I felt ridiculous. I was in a corner and a very tall man walked up to me. He was maybe 6'3 and had a huge brown coat covering him. He had a gun strapped to his back too. A big one. He was wearing boots and huge glasses to protect his eyes. He was white but tan or dirty. I couldn't tell.  
And then I knew... 
It was catie.  
"Cat?!?" I said. 
He grunted and said, "Act normal and stay close to me." 
He started walking and I followed closely behind. It was very crowded and noisy. It seemed like everyone was drunk. We got to the bar and the bartender was there asking us what we wanted. 
"Two beers," he said. 
"Cat what is the point of this game? How do we get out of here..." I asked. 
I was feeling really uncomfortable. Nothing felt right. The bartender came back with the beers. They were HUGE and there was at least a few inches of foam still at the top. I noticed some guys at a table on the other side of the room staring at us. The had guns too. 
"Cat can we go... I don't like this place," I told her. 
She was still not answering any of my questions. It was bugging me now so I hit her arm. 
She didn't respond except by saying, "Nena, don't drink the beer until I tell you to." 
The guys that were staring at us got up from the table and started walking towards us. 
"Get ready," she said. I was scared. I had no idea what was going on. 
When the men were five feet away the man in the lead said, "Nice to see you again Catie." 
Instantly catie screamed, "DRINK!" and attacked him.  It turned into a crazy action movie. I drank as much as I could in two gulps and I could instantly feel it's effects. I was strong. I knew that. I could feel it. Everything slowed down too. I was fast. And my energy wad over 100%. I felt like my main goal was to get rid of this energy or my body would explode. I assumed that these men were bad since they started attacking catie and any person attacking her was not okay with me in the first place so I took them out. I kicked all of their asses without using my gun. Knocked them all out. It was crazy. Then everything was gone except for me and catie. 
"What happened??" I asked.  
"You just killed the owners of the salloon. It's your salloon now. The point of this game is to rank and own as much as possible. The more you own the more power you have. The higher the status, the more you can do" 

 Aaaand that's all I remember. Weird right? 

Random

I'm going to hate myself for staying up this late tomorrow. But I'm not tired :(

My feet are cold. I want to snuggle with Brandon. I miss him. Can't wait for the summer. I wish I could snuggle with someone EVERY night but that goes against my not living with my boyfriend until I get married policy.

I miss camping. I had dinner with ari and his girlfriend Melissa the other day and they went camping again this weekend. So jealous.

I really can't wait to travel and camp more and go skydiving. I want to try to do charity work in other countries and meet some cool new people through that. I don't want to just travel selfishly all the time. There is so much that needs to be done in this world and I should be helping out so I can kill two birds with one stone by volunteering.

I heard that there are some cool places to volunteer in brazil and Ecuador. I'm sure I could go a lot of places.

I also want to dance professionally if I can. Dream job. Sigh. I hate my body though. I would have to fix it's endless flaws before I did that ugh

Anyway. I am going to try to force myself to sleep. I shouldn't have stayed up this late but I hardly get to talk to Eddie and I miss him a lot too :( the sacrifice was worth it. 4 hours of sleep and a 15 hour work day should be fun. Yay

EXCITED

I am SOO EXCITED to work with the trace trace today. I love hanging out with kids and I'm excited to just chill with them :) Also I haven't had a chance to really hang out with tracy recently so it should be fun :)

Can't wait!!!

Miss my family and my friends

Reign Of Love

Just so everyone knows. Reign of Love is officially one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I could lie down for hours in the middle of no where and listen to it forever.

Amazing. Well done Chris.