Broken Anger

I am finding out that my mom is the only exception to this. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I cannot seem to act angry. I can't act pissed or mad. And I don't know why!

I don't know what it is.... that I can't just act mad and blow up on someone. So weird :(

When I should be mad or when I should act mad, my brain won't translate the way I want to act.

SUB-BLOG "What I remember from last night"
Playing Flip Cup - This was fun. Good times. Really fun

sitting down and playing king's cup. Really Fun. The middle of the game is when the alcohol hit me. I remember that it hit me because I started laughing a lot more and sneaking more alcohol into other people's drinks hahaha. That was funny actually.

After King's cup - I remember hugging catie and feeling mayte's head and eddie's head to see who was warmer. Kinda blurry but I remember. Then I remember hugging catie and michelle and rosie and then I started giving them eskimo kisses except I used my cheek instead of my nose hahaha. Still good.
I remember talking and laughing and trying to sit in chairs unsuccessfully.

When it went bad - Everyone was really drunk except for mayte and michelle. I decided to go over and snuggle with michelle and so I did. And then Rosie stood up and started talking and Eddie stood up with her. And Eddie put his arms around her from the back. And Rosie was still talking and started laughing. They were pressing their faces together and Eddie looked like he was sniffing her neck while having his arms all over her. Burned into my head forever. Unfortunately. Certain images get burned into my brain every now and then. I can't control which ones they are. Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad. This one was bad of course.

I immediately said, "woah woah woah Eddie YOU have a girlfriend and SHE has a boyfriend! You guys shouldn't be doing that!" I remember looking directly at them and them just laughing and ignoring me. Then I stood up and I said, "WOW I do NOT condone cheating no matter who the fuck it is." and I stormed out. I was MAD!

I was mumbling and stomping the whole way out. I had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't go back to my house so I walked to Carl's jr only to find out that it was closed. But I was drunk so I wasn't thinking logically. So them I stomped back to my house to find that they were looking for me. All except for Eddie and Rosie.

Eddie with his shirt off in Rosie's arms next to my front lawn. I couldn't even look at them. I was so angry. I went to the bathroom and they were still there.

I heard my name but I had no idea what they were talking about.

I had found out later that they kissed each other for recording cameras in my room after I stormed out. Lovely.

Michelle eventually cleaned eddie's puke and his clothes. But eddie puked in my room again.

Then I walked back to the corner of the block and hung out with Catie and Mayte.

Dear God thank you for Mayte. She took care of us while we were drunk.

I called brandon and talked to him and vented to him. I talked to mayte and I talked to catie. Then Catie took mayte home and I went with them.

Then I called one of my friends and talked to him.

Then when I got home they were in my room. I had to get my phone charger and I couldn't find it. And then eddie started talking to me.

And I said I'm mad at you eddie. But I don't remember saying it in a mad way because I don't know how. And he kept asking me what he did wrong and on a scale of one to ten how bad it was blah blah blah.
I kept telling him to go to bed because I didn't want to talk about it but he was being really persistant. Then I left and I forgot my phone so I had to go back to my room. Guh.

And he was in my pajamas on my bed this time instead of the floor and mumbling to himself. Didn't even bother talking to him. grabbed my phone and left.

Tried to sleep on the couch unsuccessfully.

I had work the next morning blah.

END SUB-BLOG

So in this case, Edward castro and Rosie kloh.

1.) I love Rosie to death but its not like she hasn't done something like this before and I cannot control her. I wasn't really surprised. I do love her though. With all of my heart. No matter what she does.

2) Which is weird. Because I love eddie too. But I guess I was more mad at him because I never thought he'd do anything like this. I can't even begin to explain how shocked I was that he just ignored me and did what he did with Rosie. KNOWING that she had a boyfriend. Cheating is a HUGE no-no for me from ANYONE.
And for some reason I felt betrayed and not surprised at the same time. Knowing a lot of the things he's done, not surprised that he hooked up with someone. The shock came into the fact that he cheated and that it was with my cousin. MY COUSIN! My little cousin... In front of my face and other people's faces.

Another thing I do not understand. HOW on EARTH can you claim that you love someone when you do things like that so easily? I don't get it.
This makes me think that when he told me that he loved me, I was just some kind of phase. Something that was available? I was just something he wanted temporarily and made it seem like it was a forever ago kind of thing. I don't know how to explain it. I don't expect him to wait around for me to see if I change my mind. I don't expect him to do things like that. But how can he expect for me to believe him when he does things like this so easily? It just reinforces the ludicrousness of the concept to me. It just made it seem like more of a joke to me. Some weird strange joke that happened in the spur of the moment.
I'm not sure if this makes sense. But its the best way I can think to explain it.
And then its like, how do you expect there to be any chance for us at all with this kind of behavior? You loved me? Lies perhaps. Fluffed up information. It's strange to be angry about something like this I suppose but then comes the next part.

I had this person in my head of who he is and what he believes in and doesn't believe in. And its like that model that I had of him went through an earthquake. Everything is shaken and somethings are broken.

To me cheating is a big deal. And my former Eddie was responsible and true to this as well. And that was shattered. Completely shattered. Like a thin sheet of glass the size of a wall that has fallen over. My respect for the character that kept that thin sheet of glass unbroken just decreased extremely.

This responsible and faithful to only one person persona that I saw in my best friend is gone. I think that's what I'm most shocked about. Its hard to find people that are like this and to be close to eddie and feel like I knew that there were people like me out there with him feels kind of like a lie now. I feel like I never know which rule he might break next. I feel like I don't know who he really is in a way? I don't know if I'm just being melodramatic or not but I don't care because its the way I feel. I feel like in a way I can't trust him in certain areas of character now.

I guess mostly I'm just hurt and betrayed as a friend and disappointed.

Another reason I am PISSED is for poor Julie. I don't even know her...
But I know what its like.
I fell in love with someone once. Completely in love. And when he stopped talking to me it was because he was in love with someone else. I had watched them talk to each other almost every day. I watched as she replaced what I used to be for him. And I was heart broken. It took me a good 3 months before I could think about it without wincing or hurting internally.

And I wasn't even in an official relationship with him. I can't even imagine being in a relationship with someone and then knowing they did things with someone else. I can't even imagine. I feel like no one deserves that....

No one deserves to be heart broken through cheating. I even thought about messaging her to make sure she would be okay. I hope she is.


So I went on kind of a really long tangent.

But anyway. When Eddie came over I was still mad of course. Mad mad mad. And he asked me if I had wanted to say anything else but I couldn't. How would I say it? I don't know how to act mad. I don't know how. And when I try to act mad, no one believes me because I don't sound mad.

And Its sooooo hard to act mad. The things he did made me angry and hurt me. Thinking about what I saw and what he did makes me blood boil almost but when I was watching TV with him, I didn't even last the episode to act angry even though I still am angry. Its weird.

I guess I don't know what its like to black out and lose control because of alcohol and I do not plan on aiming for that but I still do not think its any kind of excuse.

I feel like a little kid that is heart broken because she had to flush her only and first fish down the toilet.

I almost want to go back in time and give him a really big hug. I would be crying though. I would be saying goodbye to a part of my friend.

I still love him. And I still care about him. And I will get over this but its not something that can be brushed under the rug for me.


I know this whole thing sounds dramatic but it has all crossed my mind today. I don't care if I'm being dramatic because I write for me and me only. And THIS is how I am feeling.

"Trust is like a mirror,
you can fix it if it's broken,
but you can still see the crack in the reflection"

I feel like I had to say goodbye to a part of my best friend that I never thought would disappear. I'm hurt that a mirror that is really valuable to me had to get a crack straight down the middle.


TO DO LIST:
Learn how to get mad the right way so I don't seem like i'm hiding anything or seem like I'm a push over.