Glass Wall

I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall. I'm on one side. Brandon is on the other. I made the decision to place this glass wall here. I had to. Instead of looking away from the glass wall, I do everything humanly possible to press myself closer to it. I stare at him with tears streaming down my face watching his beautiful brown eyes and his soft warm skin. I reach out to touch him it but my hand hits the wall. I hit the wall in hopes that it will move. He is right in front of me. He puts his hand on the wall where mine is and looks at me sadly. I can see him looking at me. There is so much pain in his face. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. Despair. He hits the wall even harder than I did. He starts to cry hitting the wall as hard as he can. He is sobbing and using all of his strength to bring this wall down. I start panicking. I hit the wall harder and harder. He was so close. Less than an inch away. I can hear is heavy sobs but muffled by the glass. I can hardly breathe from sobbing or see through my tears. I want to fix him. I want to touch him. I want everything to be back to the way it was. I put the wall there and so there it must remain, but day after day we hit the wall and try to tear it down. Sometimes I'm okay with it being there and I strongly remember why I put it there. But some days I don't care. Some days I hate myself for putting it there and though my attempts at tearing it down are fruitless, I keep trying again and again.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I ended something that shouldn't have been ended.

I'm just as in love with him now as I was the day I met him.

Maybe no guy in the world will love me the way he does.

Maybe I should have dealt with his imperfections.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe I can't stop talking to him, because I'm the one that needs him.

Maybe I'm in more pain than he is.

Maybe, even though he is 0% compatible with my friends, it didn't matter.

Even if I decided to, I wouldn't be able to get back together with him. I've done too much damage.

I thought that this would stop happening every now and then after a little while has passed. But when this pain comes, it comes hard and its just as fresh as the first wound that I gave myself.

Brandon saw a side of me that rare few people will ever get to see. I think its something I'm good at. Loving. But how would anyone know?

I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I dislike crying myself to sleep.

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
--Unknown

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton

"... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
--Gretchen Kemp

All of these things were true about him. About us. I wonder how often that happens.