Physical

Its one thirty in the morning and I have both jobs tomorrow. I get off at 8pm at night.

I know I will regret it tomorrow. One: I took that stupid nap this afternoon. Two: I miss Brandon.

We were so close in almost every way. I've never been so close to anyone in my life.

A huge part of a relationship is the physical part. I usually always talk about the emotional part of my relationship with brandon. This is for the physical.

The last time I saw him he was walking up his drive way into his house. I usually made him wait so that I could make a u-turn and give him one last kiss through my car window. I never got enough of those from him. But this time someone wanted to talk to his mom so all I could do was wave. I regret that so much. I miss his kiss and his breath.

I've been lying in my bed for the last few hours just thinking about things that have happened between us. I remember the first time I kissed him, it lasted three hours. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. Everything happened so naturally between us. I don't know if it was because we already loved each other before we met, but it was amazing.

The first time he held me, was on his bed while we were watching mulan.

The first time I held his hand, we were walking down the block towards his house.

The first time we slept together (real sleeping), I woke up with his arms tight around me. If I got any further he pulled me closer. And without hesitation or thought about morning breath, kissed me.

Even though we never had sex, we had our physical moments together as well. He made me feel so comfortable about the way I looked and always told me how beautiful I was. It just made me want him more. He kissed my nose a lot and nibbled down my neck that made me tingle. It just made me want him more.

God was so generous to give him to me. I have always been set on waiting before marriage and God gave me Brandon. He wanted to wait too. Sometimes we would get close in the heat of the moment, but we knew to stop before it got too far.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite though. So many times I was so ready to give him everything. Even my virginity. He deserved it and for so long I felt like I would be with him for the rest of my life. I want him to have me. I wanted to give him that gift. But he always reminded me of what we both wanted and we would wait. Sometimes the situation was reversed and sometimes it wasn't.

I miss the way he kissed my hand and my forehead.

He is also the only guy who has seen my naked and he still thought I was beautiful. I hate how I look without clothes on but I was never uncomfortable changing in front of him.

Most days we just laid in his bed and held each other and we were both perfectly content with that. I did not mind at all being in his arms for hours.

One of the happiest weekends of my life was the weekend I went camping with him. To be able to sleep in the arms of the guy I was in love with was the best feeling in the world. I loved that I could wake up at any moment and kiss him to my heart's content. I loved just staring at him and touching his face as he fell asleep. I loved being kissed awake by him. Every moment was like a dream with him. I remember the morning he kissed me awake, he scooped me up and rolled me on top of him. I always look so disgusting when I wake up. He didn't seem to care. I loved that about him. He was my everything and sometimes its hard to believe I gave all of that up. I don't know how often love like ours happens but I guess I will find out. If it never happens again then I know he is the one for me, regardless our differences because everything else out weighs it like you wouldn't believe.

He was my everything. Do you know how hard it is to give up something like that? Do you know what it feels like to let go of someone you love on purpose?

I had to do it. He was my first boyfriend but I have to know what else is out there. I refuse to wonder for the rest of my life because if I ended up unhappy about it in the future, it would not only hurt me, but it would have hurt him and our children too.

Any girl would be lucky to have him. I start quivering with jealousy when I think about him having a family with someone else. But that isn't my decision. It is his. And if he finds someone else that makes him happier then I will be happy for him. And i hope it would be also true if it was visa versa.

He was my everything. And I let him go. I know why I did but sometimes Its hard to believe.

I can be happy without him because I have wonderful friends and family and so much else to be happy for in my life. But he filled apart of me that none of my friends or family can fill. He was always so jealous that he couldn't make me laugh like some of my friends do but he didn't understand. He did so many other things for me. He made me happy. He was the only person who ever made me cry of happiness. He gave me a love that changed my life and that I will never forget. I will always care about him and I do miss him.

This is a lot to think about and a lot to go through. I have barely skimmed the top of what goes through my mind everyday...