Suffering

Sometimes people forget that God does NOT like suffering, but he allows it. It's not like he just watches it happen either because he suffers when we do. He loves us so much that he couldn't help but put a little of himself into our souls. He made us in his image. He feels what we feel. Its hard to believe because sometimes we get really lonley and its harder to believe during certain times too but he's there. No one understands us better than he does.

To Do

List of things to do. A little stressful. I haven't felt like this since OLP.

1. double check classes and make a schedule for wednesday's registration
2. fill out forms for outdoor skills camp
3. clean off my desk (there are a lot of things that are important on there)
4. mail thank you cards
5. Call steph/danielle so they don't think I'm ignoring them (I have danielle's book)
6. Look for iPod :(
7. Work on my girl scout Gold award (fill out all the crazy forms and double check them.)
8. Not Freak out because marissa is leaving in a month.
9. Work on Gold Award
10. Not freak out about outdoor skills because it will be my first time acting as the major adult for a unit
11. Not freak out that it has been really hard to hang out with caitlin
12. Work on my Girl Scout Gold award so that I don't have a major regret later on
13. Look for a job and get one (call henry's)
14. Not freak out tat everything is slowly changing.
15. Finish my gold award and get it approved by the commitee in time.


This entry realtes a lot to the last on.

Major Goal: Do Not Explode With Craziness

Panic

Dear steph,
I had a horibble dream and the punch line of that dream was you dying. It was scary. I went histerical because I coudn't believe that you had died. I was devastated.....but then I found out that you were still alive. I don't think I have ever felt such a feeling of relief in my life ever. But I was so happy. I love you so much steph! I am going to call you soon!
love, mag


Today I had this wierd panicky feeling. It felt like when the summer was over, I would be forgotten by everyone I once knew before then and I would be completely alone. I felt like I would soon be taken away from everything I knew and especially from the people I knew; like I would soon be thrown into the world starting out at the bottom of the food chain. And I would have no way of getting near the top. It was really acary and slightly depressing. I did not like it one bit. Hopefully this is a temporary feeling. I can feel that comfort zone disappearing. No more OLP. No more a lot of things. What am I going to do with myself? I can be extremely pathetic sometimes...

Dear dear...

Dear Marissa,
You are so funny. Do you remember those big yellow sheets of paper that mrs. russell wrote our names on and then passed around for everyone to sign? Well I found mine and read it. Yours was pretty great:
Merry Christmas!
Magdalena! it might not be Christmas now but one time when you read it it will be christmas! Well your my best friend and your nice, fun, pretty, smart, cool, and you are very funny!
~your bestest buddy pal
~marissa elizabeth oceguera

haha thank you very much. What are the odds that I would find the piece of paper ON christmas? hmm? hilarious. AND You liked using tildas back then I suppose. haha this one was from alejandra fregoso....:

Hey maggie,
You are a super cool friend. Vote 4 me. hope you did. I have fun talking to you. keep keeping track of lianna's questions cause i stopped counting after 8,569,721,358,772 questions this week. I think hehehe. Well I had fun by you keep in touch.
-Alejandra fregoso.

sigh... I didn't really like elementary school but there were those good time's. Cheers marissa....

~magdalena elizabeth last name

Dear Caitlin,
sigh. For the millionth time: I miss seeing you and a lot of other people everyday. Dominic is still in love with that bear you gave him.... haha he named it and evrything. Remember when you used to say holy moses? I also found a lot of notes that you wrote me. It made me sad and happy at the same time. here are some of my favorites:(First in English and then some of your spanish ones. AND Everything is EXATLY how you wrote it.)

(sticker of a hamster) Mr. Chub...he is a little chubby hamster!
'Have an awesome (totally radical) weekend.'

'p.s. Remind me to tell you that pirate joke!!!'

'When I saw you today...I felt as though I hadn't seen you in a LONG time! I almost hugged you... I KNOW CRAZY!!!'

'Oh must have been a lie (as my grandma used to say.'

'Pause. Looking at clock but have to get glasses out first.'

'Miss M! Mr. Lapiz has been taken and you must pay $1,000,00!!! By noon tomorrow. Good luck! -Kidnapper! '

*PAUSE* Cat, there are a lot more but I must get onto the spanish ones because they are just great...

'Well i do not have a lot to say as I am a BORING persona! '

'!So Sad! !Muy Triste! '

'Is that the right word o palabra?'

' I haven't written you a nota en forever! '

'p.s. you shal hear no 'meow'. '

' I forgot to show you my little amigo! '

'I will be super rojo.'

' I just had mi espanol examen.'
You are just so funny caitlin. I still need your cell phone number.
~mag

Dear Sarge,
How are things? I heard that you have a little more free time than usual. I hope that's relaxing in a way. I saw that fruit too...were they squash? I really have no idea but it was a nice picture for some reason. Also discussions on french toast toast and milk shakes sounds like fun.
Before I would not have wished you a happy fourth of july because I thought you were candian. Happy Fourth of july! I am still confused on some aspects of yourself but maybe they will unravel in time.
It is also getting extremely hot here...I once again wish it rained more often.
~magdalena

Dear Gold Award,
Why must you be so difficult? You make me feel guilty..... I think maybe I am posting this because I don't want to finish you. sigh...procrastination.

Dear everyone,
...............................................just keep going........ hopefully time will cure whatever is bothering you and I.

Graduation

wow.... what now? I am almost 100% positive that I'm still in the denial stage. oh crud-muffin...what if I go into the greiving/mourning stage while there are people around? That won't be good... I miss everyone already.

Miss Universe

Note to all girls with any type of self-image issue.... Do NOT I repeat do NOT watch Miss Universe. Especially the swimsuit portion of it. Who are they to choose women with bodies like that to represent our universe. What is that teaching any young girl. cheese and crackers

Dear Emotions, Nails, Jewelry

Dear Emotions,

I understand that it is not your fault but you are so flipping complicated. Why??? Does it really have to be this confusing? I don't like to pick fights and I am usually pretty flexible but YOU are always there. YOU are always inside of me no matter what. It's like you never give me a break. I mean, I even have debates with myself sometimes.....I don't even get the crazy drama that other people get either. I get mine mostly from signals (a very good friend of yours I imagine) and things that I assume. Assumptions get crazy too. oy..... I really appreciate you when you give me good feelings. On the other hand (stating the obvious) I do not appreciate the bad ones. I understand that suffering at a certain degree is something necessary in life but I really could use less of the bad ones. I shouldn't complain though. I have it pretty freaking awesome. I guess I just wish that it was a tad simpler. Thank you for the summer after ninth grade...I was a lucky one. I've heard of some really bad ones. haha Well I know you won't change but than you for your time anyway.

Yours Truly,
Magdalena

Dear Jewelry,

I know I have already mentioned you in an angry previous post called 'Don't Understand' but I am adressing it again. You really aren't that great. I don't mind you but there is a certain line that I will not cross. I am not saying that I do not like you either but I'll have to agree wth eddie that you are most definetly over-rated. Girls need to get over you and move on. Anything that fits on your finger and has come from someone that loves you unconditionally should be enough. I would rather be dirt poor and in love than satisfyed and comfortable. I would even rather live until I'm 30 and be in love rather then live 100 years and be just ok or have it be 'enough'. I am getting off on a tangent here and I have two more letters to write...

Yours sincerely,
Magdalena

Dear Acrylic Finger Nails,

You are very pretty but ya gotta go my friends. Please. You just need to let go. I can't pry you off like i did last time because you damaged my nails. I am asking you kindly to just fall off early or something. Thank ou for prom. You were very pretty but I seriously can't type or do a lot of other things this way. It's bringing me down guys. I am going to chop you (like my hair) soon. Just as an example From here on out I won't fix my typos. Yo are too long. When i hit somethinig weith you, you pull my reall nail along with it. Its no a pleasant feeling. Yoj are taking over and I won't llet you. I'll give you a few moredays to come off on your own. Comprendes?

Magdalena

Dear Petco Park and Padres,

Pecto. am excite to meet you for th firdst time tomorrow with th edominator. And padres i really hope you win because my brother loves you guys nad he is supper excited to watch you guys tomorrow. Tahnks :D

Magdalena

After

I won't be around much until after I graduate most likely. OLP has made a huge impact on me including the people I met. It is going to be hard to let go. Peace to everyone.

Naive

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Oops

Its almost 11 o'clock right now. Music man practices have been going to until about 9:30.

First let me explain community day. This is a day where my school puts on games and activites for one whole day instead of having classes. Its always right before finals second semester. I accidentally chose a theme for this crazy event. Usually the themes are pretty corny or cheesy but it went oerboard this time and its my fault.

I am in a class called campus ministry that helps put on community day. One day my teacher was asking people for ideas on theme. She said that it needed to be something really exciting. And then I ruined everything. I should have kept my mouth shut. I said, "Well what type of exciting? Cique de solei exciting?" Thats when my teacher went overboard and took my question (for her more of a comment) seriously. I was just asking her something. She went crazy and thought it was brilliant. So now our theme is 'Cirque de OLP'. What have I done to my fellow students at the academy? I am so very sorry to all students of OLP. I am sorry that you must now endure the cheesy theme of 'Cirque de OL P' for a whole day. There are already people complaining. I'm not sre if everyone knows that it was mostly my fault but again I am sorry.

Today I made another huge mistake. We paint posters for such events as this. Our campus is very clean and well taken care of. It would be a very bad thing for someone to mess it up in any way. While I was painting a poster today I picked up a bottle of yellow paint. I was in Aquinas hall. I did not check ti make sure that the lid was secure. I shook the bottle and the cap flew off splattering paint all over the hallway and one of the walls. Who does that? Who splatters YELLOW paint on the walls of an academy where the principal is extremely strict on keeping our campus nice? That person would be me. And just to make the whole situation worse, the principal saw the whole thing. Yes in the flesh. Sister dolores and Mrs. Favela saw the whole entire fiasco.

Fortunately Sister dolo did not come over to scold me but instead walked into the office with mrs. favela. Mrs. favela then came over to us to tell us (me in particular) that we needed to get the paint off quick because the principal was not too happy. This was probably one of the most embarassing moments of the decade for me.

oops

Blah

I have no idea what to write right now. So many random thoughts that I might explode... This is ridiculous. I am performing this week. We have 6 hours practices until thurs. which is opening night. haha After this week I have no life anymore. :P I will need people to keep me pre-occupied. tata

Vulnerability

I have learned a huge thing about myself during all of this. I am not so great with vulnerability. I have taught myself how to avoid attatchment in certain situations so that I wouldn’t get hurt or expect anything. It is easier that way but I don’t see it as a good thing. One of my best friends helped me see this. How am I supposed to experience anything or be able do do other things without taking that risk of being hurt? How. It certainly is the truth but I may wait just a little while longer. At some point I will just have to let go of that thing that blocks me from becoming attatched. But will I be able to?

Signals

Emotional signals are extremely complex but are easily read. I realized too late what I had done. It wasn't fair for you. Mixed signals are the worst and I was being stupid. I regret it happening. I regret acting the way I did. It was a contradictory thing to what I felt. I sent the wrong signal. I should have been more honest. It was something that I should have realized right then. I'm not sure if I can fix it or create a less confusing ending but I'll try.

Panic

Panic is starting to dawn upon me. I'm getting flickers of it. I will probably never see a lot of my friends in about 3-4 months. Missa is going away. I will force myself to call caitlin....or I'll visit her work. I have no idea where steph is going. Ash is going to new york. Danielle is going away. I am going to have to go to college next year. I have no idea what I would want my major to be. The stupid application asked me a million wierdo questions including about 5 times asking whether I was married or not.

I have changed schools I think 5 times in my life. In all instances I did not like moving and trying to find new friends. I'm open to making neew friends. I just get kind of nervous. Ha. Oh ya. I am going to have to censor a lot of conversation topics because the male gender will be in classes with me.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of OLP yet. I guess I'm just so comfortable in a bubble right now. I don't want it to burst yet. I just want this bubble for a little longer. A lot of the time I am okay with change. I'm not sure if I'm okay with this one though. High school is sort of a safe harbor. I'm not even freaking out completely yet. Keep in mind that I am only getting flickers of it. mid/late May it will really kick in. Is this what you call senioritis? I hate that word. It's extremely stereotypical(sp?).

It's going okay so far. I still have about 1 month and a half left. I'm still 17. We've been having music man practice everyday until 6. It's oober cheesy. One of the cheesiest musicals out there. We're on the decent level. XD It's still kind of fun though. I need to get some sleep now. I am slowly growing back into my regular sleeping pattern.

I hope everyone had a good spring break. :D

.:bye:.

Six Flags

I have this list that I made of things that I want to wite about later. Its a notepad. Whenever I think of something else I bust it out and write a little reminder. It's easier to write about stuff when I have reminders. But there's one that says 'Dream: wierd'. I don't remember it though..... so moving on.

A coulpe of weeks ago (?) I went to six flags. Extremely fun. I went on X-treme, tatsu, goliath, scream, round-up, and I can't remember any more right now. Tatsu was my favorite one. Most of the ones I went on had technical difficulties unfortunately. I wish i remember more.... It was awhile ago... I remember the first half of the day I went on three rides (I think) with eddie... and then 4 rides the second half of the day with catie, andrew, and nora. Well I went on round up with all of them but on goliath and scream with andrew.

ugh... this is bugging me now.. hmmm I remembered blurs of things happening.... Haha I remember laughing at the photoshopped picture of the dragon from tatsu. I just remember laughing a lot.... and getting cheek cramps...

ha the last time i had those was at the football game.... They are the worst kind. BUT its from laughing.... Does it cancel each other out then? Is it a it hurts so good situation? if you are laughing but it hurts your cheeks? hmm... sorry I used a lot of dots.

The next thing its says here is catie's birthday party. Unfortunately hardly anyone showed up. We have a lifetime supply of tamales, liter soda, some sort of beef, and hot dog buns....
Marissa and I tried to dig a hole through the earths core but we got lazy half way through. I meant to go in the water but it never happened. I need to go back soon......perhaps by myself.

My mom is showing her static thing to everyone. I saw some huge ones at the science museum in Boston. One of the best museums I have ever been to. I really liked the east coast but I don't know what I woud do without mexican food.

Yesterday marissa and I heard a wierd small squeaking noise. It was coming from my arm every time it moved and so we thought it was my bones rubbing together. hahaha we are nerds... we found out that it was the plastic wire in my bra.... I should have figured it out first...but it didn't happen that way XD...

I have nothing to do the rest of today and tomorrow which is wednesday. On thursday dominic is having a birthday party. And a jump for joy.. I love those things... I'm excited for that part. I don't know what else to write about right now so I guess I'll stop. :D I hope everyone has a good spring break.

.:bye:.

Title/Samoas

You know how difficult it is to name these posts? You think its easy but its not. lol
Like for this one it could have been various things like: How do you title? or Title confusion or something corny like that. I also noticed that my entries are becoming shorter and shorter. (note to marissa: check our photobucket account. You are caitlin are adorable in those photos.)

brb I'm @ my mom's classroom helping her.

Back. For a little while anyway. It's her 5th period right now. Physics. I still need to organize and file some stuff though. Haha I'm watching the office right now too. We bought one episode from here. Its the one where the branch closes. Jim just ricked dwight by saying that the coffee is poisned from 'future' Dwight. Hilarious.

Anyway. I have some stuff that I can write about right now I suppose. It was meant for my journal (haven't done that in awhile either) but I have some time right now.

Awhile ago I was at the library (the south chula vista library which is open on sundays and has a really cool fountain in the middle of it) and it was night. Whenever I go, I see the home of a homeless person. He has set up a small area for himself in the corner of the parking lot where its close enough to the construction that hopefully no one will bother him. He lives there and always has his bike chained to the pole nearby. Over the past couple of years I have seen him gain more and more basic posessions in his little corner. He now has small boxes that surround his area along with a cot thing in the middle of it under a sleeping bag. He also has a television and some other random stuff. I hadn't fully seen him until that night. I relly wanted to give him somthing....I didn't have any healthy food though. All I had was girl scout cookies. Samoas to be specific. I didn't know if they belonged to anyone because they were laying around in the car. Anyway, I was debating for about 5 min whether or not to go over and give in any. He was an african american man maybe in his 60's wearing a beanie watching television. I eventully got into my ccar and started it and decided to leave. My only reasons for not giving the cookies to him were what if he didn't want them? or what if he was insulted that I would give him food? There were a million questions like that in my head. I put my car in reverse but stopped in the middle of the parking lot on my way out. I grabbed the cookies and decided to go and give them to him. The debate was reaelly wierd. I debate with myself a lot but that time I felt skitsafrenic (I know thats not spelled right). It was kind of scary because I didn't know how he would react. I left my car running in the middle of the parking lot. (I shouldn't have done that) I jumped out and went up to him and said excuse me. I said, "Hi". He was welcoming and had a warm smile and said, "Why hello there". I was relieved. Then I said, "I was wondering if you wanted some cookies." I held them out. He took them and said, "Why thank you! That's very nice. You have a good night." I responded the same and left. I was happy that he didn't feel insulted by the cookies. I hope the rest of his life goes fairly well. I'm sure that thats not the last time I will see him.

I'll make new titles.....

Ransom

...is Easter. so Happy Easter everyone. And my cousin almost lit my grams on fire. She probably won't ever read this but I'm sorry I brought it up. It was extremely funny where as it would not have been if something bad had happened.

It is freezing out here in my garage. My mom is using the iMac. I can't feel my fingers. I wouldn't be able to type without looking at the keyboard.

haha Here is a ransom note that I will someday leave someone. (I'm sure marissa is probably sick of this by now)

DeAR mR. SMitH,

yOu'Ll nEVeR SeE cHarliE AGaiN
uNLeSS We rECiEVe ThE fOlLowIng
AmOUnT oF MonEY:

gOoGoL DoLLArs (iN cASh)

sENd to 2678 mIstY DRIve bY 4 p.M. on THurS.


haha hilarious..... I thought it might be funny if the ransom-note writer actually put his/her own address as the sending place.... That would be funny.

Everyone sleep well tonight. I must prepare myself for a day of doing nothing tomorrow. :D

.:bYe:.

An Upside Down Earth

How come we decided to look at the earth the way we did? Why don't we don't we look at the earth and say 'oh look the U.S. is right above canada'? Who decded that Canada would be above the U.S.? Why couldn't the map have been the other way where mexico was on top us? I'm not mad or anything. It's just wierd. And I am curious as to know who decided which way we would design and draw all maps in the future.

Our Capcity to Think

Our capacity to think for ourselves and express oursleves fully is largley determined by our vocabulary. We are able to express ourselves sufficient-ly by our ability to use certain words. Sometimes we are unable to express ourselves because we do not know how to say it. This means that an education is VERY IMPORTANT. For us to understand what is going on around us we must be educated. I could write for hours on this but I type slowly and There are a lot of words I can't spell. Maybe a little later.

?

I don't know if I heard this somewhere sometime or if I came up with it (its probably the first one), but I really like it.

Someday in the future by someone I want to be loved. No the friend/family type of love but the other one. And I don't want to be loved because I am beautiful. I want to be beautiful because I am loved. I want that person to think I'm beautiful because they love me.



THE END

.:bye:.