Graduation

wow.... what now? I am almost 100% positive that I'm still in the denial stage. oh crud-muffin...what if I go into the greiving/mourning stage while there are people around? That won't be good... I miss everyone already.

Miss Universe

Note to all girls with any type of self-image issue.... Do NOT I repeat do NOT watch Miss Universe. Especially the swimsuit portion of it. Who are they to choose women with bodies like that to represent our universe. What is that teaching any young girl. cheese and crackers

Dear Emotions, Nails, Jewelry

Dear Emotions,

I understand that it is not your fault but you are so flipping complicated. Why??? Does it really have to be this confusing? I don't like to pick fights and I am usually pretty flexible but YOU are always there. YOU are always inside of me no matter what. It's like you never give me a break. I mean, I even have debates with myself sometimes.....I don't even get the crazy drama that other people get either. I get mine mostly from signals (a very good friend of yours I imagine) and things that I assume. Assumptions get crazy too. oy..... I really appreciate you when you give me good feelings. On the other hand (stating the obvious) I do not appreciate the bad ones. I understand that suffering at a certain degree is something necessary in life but I really could use less of the bad ones. I shouldn't complain though. I have it pretty freaking awesome. I guess I just wish that it was a tad simpler. Thank you for the summer after ninth grade...I was a lucky one. I've heard of some really bad ones. haha Well I know you won't change but than you for your time anyway.

Yours Truly,
Magdalena

Dear Jewelry,

I know I have already mentioned you in an angry previous post called 'Don't Understand' but I am adressing it again. You really aren't that great. I don't mind you but there is a certain line that I will not cross. I am not saying that I do not like you either but I'll have to agree wth eddie that you are most definetly over-rated. Girls need to get over you and move on. Anything that fits on your finger and has come from someone that loves you unconditionally should be enough. I would rather be dirt poor and in love than satisfyed and comfortable. I would even rather live until I'm 30 and be in love rather then live 100 years and be just ok or have it be 'enough'. I am getting off on a tangent here and I have two more letters to write...

Yours sincerely,
Magdalena

Dear Acrylic Finger Nails,

You are very pretty but ya gotta go my friends. Please. You just need to let go. I can't pry you off like i did last time because you damaged my nails. I am asking you kindly to just fall off early or something. Thank ou for prom. You were very pretty but I seriously can't type or do a lot of other things this way. It's bringing me down guys. I am going to chop you (like my hair) soon. Just as an example From here on out I won't fix my typos. Yo are too long. When i hit somethinig weith you, you pull my reall nail along with it. Its no a pleasant feeling. Yoj are taking over and I won't llet you. I'll give you a few moredays to come off on your own. Comprendes?

Magdalena

Dear Petco Park and Padres,

Pecto. am excite to meet you for th firdst time tomorrow with th edominator. And padres i really hope you win because my brother loves you guys nad he is supper excited to watch you guys tomorrow. Tahnks :D

Magdalena

After

I won't be around much until after I graduate most likely. OLP has made a huge impact on me including the people I met. It is going to be hard to let go. Peace to everyone.

Naive

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Oops

Its almost 11 o'clock right now. Music man practices have been going to until about 9:30.

First let me explain community day. This is a day where my school puts on games and activites for one whole day instead of having classes. Its always right before finals second semester. I accidentally chose a theme for this crazy event. Usually the themes are pretty corny or cheesy but it went oerboard this time and its my fault.

I am in a class called campus ministry that helps put on community day. One day my teacher was asking people for ideas on theme. She said that it needed to be something really exciting. And then I ruined everything. I should have kept my mouth shut. I said, "Well what type of exciting? Cique de solei exciting?" Thats when my teacher went overboard and took my question (for her more of a comment) seriously. I was just asking her something. She went crazy and thought it was brilliant. So now our theme is 'Cirque de OLP'. What have I done to my fellow students at the academy? I am so very sorry to all students of OLP. I am sorry that you must now endure the cheesy theme of 'Cirque de OL P' for a whole day. There are already people complaining. I'm not sre if everyone knows that it was mostly my fault but again I am sorry.

Today I made another huge mistake. We paint posters for such events as this. Our campus is very clean and well taken care of. It would be a very bad thing for someone to mess it up in any way. While I was painting a poster today I picked up a bottle of yellow paint. I was in Aquinas hall. I did not check ti make sure that the lid was secure. I shook the bottle and the cap flew off splattering paint all over the hallway and one of the walls. Who does that? Who splatters YELLOW paint on the walls of an academy where the principal is extremely strict on keeping our campus nice? That person would be me. And just to make the whole situation worse, the principal saw the whole thing. Yes in the flesh. Sister dolores and Mrs. Favela saw the whole entire fiasco.

Fortunately Sister dolo did not come over to scold me but instead walked into the office with mrs. favela. Mrs. favela then came over to us to tell us (me in particular) that we needed to get the paint off quick because the principal was not too happy. This was probably one of the most embarassing moments of the decade for me.

oops

Blah

I have no idea what to write right now. So many random thoughts that I might explode... This is ridiculous. I am performing this week. We have 6 hours practices until thurs. which is opening night. haha After this week I have no life anymore. :P I will need people to keep me pre-occupied. tata

Vulnerability

I have learned a huge thing about myself during all of this. I am not so great with vulnerability. I have taught myself how to avoid attatchment in certain situations so that I wouldn’t get hurt or expect anything. It is easier that way but I don’t see it as a good thing. One of my best friends helped me see this. How am I supposed to experience anything or be able do do other things without taking that risk of being hurt? How. It certainly is the truth but I may wait just a little while longer. At some point I will just have to let go of that thing that blocks me from becoming attatched. But will I be able to?

Signals

Emotional signals are extremely complex but are easily read. I realized too late what I had done. It wasn't fair for you. Mixed signals are the worst and I was being stupid. I regret it happening. I regret acting the way I did. It was a contradictory thing to what I felt. I sent the wrong signal. I should have been more honest. It was something that I should have realized right then. I'm not sure if I can fix it or create a less confusing ending but I'll try.

Panic

Panic is starting to dawn upon me. I'm getting flickers of it. I will probably never see a lot of my friends in about 3-4 months. Missa is going away. I will force myself to call caitlin....or I'll visit her work. I have no idea where steph is going. Ash is going to new york. Danielle is going away. I am going to have to go to college next year. I have no idea what I would want my major to be. The stupid application asked me a million wierdo questions including about 5 times asking whether I was married or not.

I have changed schools I think 5 times in my life. In all instances I did not like moving and trying to find new friends. I'm open to making neew friends. I just get kind of nervous. Ha. Oh ya. I am going to have to censor a lot of conversation topics because the male gender will be in classes with me.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of OLP yet. I guess I'm just so comfortable in a bubble right now. I don't want it to burst yet. I just want this bubble for a little longer. A lot of the time I am okay with change. I'm not sure if I'm okay with this one though. High school is sort of a safe harbor. I'm not even freaking out completely yet. Keep in mind that I am only getting flickers of it. mid/late May it will really kick in. Is this what you call senioritis? I hate that word. It's extremely stereotypical(sp?).

It's going okay so far. I still have about 1 month and a half left. I'm still 17. We've been having music man practice everyday until 6. It's oober cheesy. One of the cheesiest musicals out there. We're on the decent level. XD It's still kind of fun though. I need to get some sleep now. I am slowly growing back into my regular sleeping pattern.

I hope everyone had a good spring break. :D

.:bye:.

Six Flags

I have this list that I made of things that I want to wite about later. Its a notepad. Whenever I think of something else I bust it out and write a little reminder. It's easier to write about stuff when I have reminders. But there's one that says 'Dream: wierd'. I don't remember it though..... so moving on.

A coulpe of weeks ago (?) I went to six flags. Extremely fun. I went on X-treme, tatsu, goliath, scream, round-up, and I can't remember any more right now. Tatsu was my favorite one. Most of the ones I went on had technical difficulties unfortunately. I wish i remember more.... It was awhile ago... I remember the first half of the day I went on three rides (I think) with eddie... and then 4 rides the second half of the day with catie, andrew, and nora. Well I went on round up with all of them but on goliath and scream with andrew.

ugh... this is bugging me now.. hmmm I remembered blurs of things happening.... Haha I remember laughing at the photoshopped picture of the dragon from tatsu. I just remember laughing a lot.... and getting cheek cramps...

ha the last time i had those was at the football game.... They are the worst kind. BUT its from laughing.... Does it cancel each other out then? Is it a it hurts so good situation? if you are laughing but it hurts your cheeks? hmm... sorry I used a lot of dots.

The next thing its says here is catie's birthday party. Unfortunately hardly anyone showed up. We have a lifetime supply of tamales, liter soda, some sort of beef, and hot dog buns....
Marissa and I tried to dig a hole through the earths core but we got lazy half way through. I meant to go in the water but it never happened. I need to go back soon......perhaps by myself.

My mom is showing her static thing to everyone. I saw some huge ones at the science museum in Boston. One of the best museums I have ever been to. I really liked the east coast but I don't know what I woud do without mexican food.

Yesterday marissa and I heard a wierd small squeaking noise. It was coming from my arm every time it moved and so we thought it was my bones rubbing together. hahaha we are nerds... we found out that it was the plastic wire in my bra.... I should have figured it out first...but it didn't happen that way XD...

I have nothing to do the rest of today and tomorrow which is wednesday. On thursday dominic is having a birthday party. And a jump for joy.. I love those things... I'm excited for that part. I don't know what else to write about right now so I guess I'll stop. :D I hope everyone has a good spring break.

.:bye:.

Title/Samoas

You know how difficult it is to name these posts? You think its easy but its not. lol
Like for this one it could have been various things like: How do you title? or Title confusion or something corny like that. I also noticed that my entries are becoming shorter and shorter. (note to marissa: check our photobucket account. You are caitlin are adorable in those photos.)

brb I'm @ my mom's classroom helping her.

Back. For a little while anyway. It's her 5th period right now. Physics. I still need to organize and file some stuff though. Haha I'm watching the office right now too. We bought one episode from here. Its the one where the branch closes. Jim just ricked dwight by saying that the coffee is poisned from 'future' Dwight. Hilarious.

Anyway. I have some stuff that I can write about right now I suppose. It was meant for my journal (haven't done that in awhile either) but I have some time right now.

Awhile ago I was at the library (the south chula vista library which is open on sundays and has a really cool fountain in the middle of it) and it was night. Whenever I go, I see the home of a homeless person. He has set up a small area for himself in the corner of the parking lot where its close enough to the construction that hopefully no one will bother him. He lives there and always has his bike chained to the pole nearby. Over the past couple of years I have seen him gain more and more basic posessions in his little corner. He now has small boxes that surround his area along with a cot thing in the middle of it under a sleeping bag. He also has a television and some other random stuff. I hadn't fully seen him until that night. I relly wanted to give him somthing....I didn't have any healthy food though. All I had was girl scout cookies. Samoas to be specific. I didn't know if they belonged to anyone because they were laying around in the car. Anyway, I was debating for about 5 min whether or not to go over and give in any. He was an african american man maybe in his 60's wearing a beanie watching television. I eventully got into my ccar and started it and decided to leave. My only reasons for not giving the cookies to him were what if he didn't want them? or what if he was insulted that I would give him food? There were a million questions like that in my head. I put my car in reverse but stopped in the middle of the parking lot on my way out. I grabbed the cookies and decided to go and give them to him. The debate was reaelly wierd. I debate with myself a lot but that time I felt skitsafrenic (I know thats not spelled right). It was kind of scary because I didn't know how he would react. I left my car running in the middle of the parking lot. (I shouldn't have done that) I jumped out and went up to him and said excuse me. I said, "Hi". He was welcoming and had a warm smile and said, "Why hello there". I was relieved. Then I said, "I was wondering if you wanted some cookies." I held them out. He took them and said, "Why thank you! That's very nice. You have a good night." I responded the same and left. I was happy that he didn't feel insulted by the cookies. I hope the rest of his life goes fairly well. I'm sure that thats not the last time I will see him.

I'll make new titles.....

Ransom

...is Easter. so Happy Easter everyone. And my cousin almost lit my grams on fire. She probably won't ever read this but I'm sorry I brought it up. It was extremely funny where as it would not have been if something bad had happened.

It is freezing out here in my garage. My mom is using the iMac. I can't feel my fingers. I wouldn't be able to type without looking at the keyboard.

haha Here is a ransom note that I will someday leave someone. (I'm sure marissa is probably sick of this by now)

DeAR mR. SMitH,

yOu'Ll nEVeR SeE cHarliE AGaiN
uNLeSS We rECiEVe ThE fOlLowIng
AmOUnT oF MonEY:

gOoGoL DoLLArs (iN cASh)

sENd to 2678 mIstY DRIve bY 4 p.M. on THurS.


haha hilarious..... I thought it might be funny if the ransom-note writer actually put his/her own address as the sending place.... That would be funny.

Everyone sleep well tonight. I must prepare myself for a day of doing nothing tomorrow. :D

.:bYe:.

An Upside Down Earth

How come we decided to look at the earth the way we did? Why don't we don't we look at the earth and say 'oh look the U.S. is right above canada'? Who decded that Canada would be above the U.S.? Why couldn't the map have been the other way where mexico was on top us? I'm not mad or anything. It's just wierd. And I am curious as to know who decided which way we would design and draw all maps in the future.

Our Capcity to Think

Our capacity to think for ourselves and express oursleves fully is largley determined by our vocabulary. We are able to express ourselves sufficient-ly by our ability to use certain words. Sometimes we are unable to express ourselves because we do not know how to say it. This means that an education is VERY IMPORTANT. For us to understand what is going on around us we must be educated. I could write for hours on this but I type slowly and There are a lot of words I can't spell. Maybe a little later.

?

I don't know if I heard this somewhere sometime or if I came up with it (its probably the first one), but I really like it.

Someday in the future by someone I want to be loved. No the friend/family type of love but the other one. And I don't want to be loved because I am beautiful. I want to be beautiful because I am loved. I want that person to think I'm beautiful because they love me.



THE END

.:bye:.

Congratulaions

This song is very very beautiful...my song of the month :P

Congratulations by Blue October Feat. Imogen Heap (another for sarge)

Is that seat taken
Congratulations
Would you like to take a walk with me

My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think I'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.

My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My hearts

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
My heart
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu

And I can't change this
I can never take it back
But now I can't change your mind
(You left me)
And I can't this
I can never take this back
But now I can't change your mind
can't change your mind
(You left me)
Can't change you mind
(You left me)
(You left me)
(You left me)
(You left me)

Go away
Make it go away
Please.

Lenten Promise

I forgot to mention that I gave up cussing for my lenten promise. There really shouldn't be any reason to cuss if you think about it. They are just a certain sound that we form with our vocal cords that comes out of our mouths.

I've broken it about 4-5 times.... What am I supposed to do if that happens? If I break my lenten promise? I'm really trying my best though.

tata

One of My Dreams

Where has the time gone? I don't have a lot of it anymore.... : (

Everything is going ok I guess. I'll copy and paste something from my journal. I am going to try to not do this though because when I look back upon this and my journal I want them to be different.... :P Okay prepare yourselves because this little piece of an entry I made makes me look like the biggest loser in the world..... here goes.....

(I wrote this on Feb. 16)
Next topic: My dream! Dang it….I remember it but the feeling wore off.
I dreamt about being at this camp/retreat/touring thing. (Dreams rarely make sense so just go with it) Well I was apart of this committee that helped planned everything and stuff. We met in this weird half-circled room. It was long and wooden and the walls just curved and turned into the ceiling. The carpet was read and there were single benches lined up against the curved walls. We had like a break or something and people were moving around a talking. My mom was at the meeting but her attention was on something else. So I just sat where I was and stared off into space. There weren’t any people on my side of the room. Then I noticed this guy standing about 4 feet away from me. I was sitting and he was standing with his hands in his pockets looking down. He had a red polo shirt on and beige pants. He was extremely cute. (That’s a plus) He had light-tan skin and his hair was redish-brown and messy. He had a backpack on too. He looked up at me and smiled and I smiled back. He took a few steps closer as he took his hands out of his pockets. He looked like he was anticipating something and I just watched. He was now so close to me that I could touch him. His smile had faded but hhis expression wasn’t hostile or mean in any way. He bent down so that his face was an inch away from mine and I could feel his warm breath. Then he pulled his face away. He smiled and looked at the floor. I sighed, looked at him, smiled, and said, “Why didn’t you just do it?”. He looked back up at me smiling timidly. His cheeks were blushed. I would just like to mention right now that I probably would not have said that in real life. He was so cute….I don’t know how to explain it. He bent back down his face right in front of mine and kissed me. His lips were on mine for a few seconds and then he stood up right again. I could feel my heart beating fast. I couldn’t think. I just stared at the floor and when I looked up again he was gone. For some reason the meeting was dissmissed then. I wanted to see him again but I didn’t know where he was. I was driving with Missa in her car and Alyssa (her next door neighbor) was in the passenger seat. We were driving around some city where we were touring to look for a place to eat. I was telling them about him when I saw him walking along the street. I felt the blood rush to my head and I ducked. “Where is he?” missa asked. “He’s walking right there. He’s so hot. I can’t look at him.” I responded and ducked down even more. (Dreams are soo random) Later we were all on the touring bus we used to go around the city and I saw him. He was sitting on the other side of the bus. We saw each other and smiled again. We couldn’t seem to stop doing that. For some reason we wanted to keep it a secret too so we didn’t just go up to each other. On our way out of the bus we ran into each other and I whispered, “Which cabin are you staying in?” He replied, “The one on the left. Meet me there later.” Later that night when we were back at the camp, I met him in front of his cabin. We went by a tree behind the cabin. We stood facing each other still smiling and held our hands together. I don’t remember which one but one of us said “What do we do now?”. I don’t remember anything else that happened besides us being wrapped in a blanket together by the tree.

I give you permission to laugh at me.... really. I'll try and actually write something next time. I have nothing else to say.

.:bye:.

Valentine's

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone.

Today our school was flourishing with balloons and flowers. More than other schools I'm thinking because its all girls at mine.

This could get very mushy, considering its me so this is a warning.
Most people feel like they need somone intimate to feel loved on Valentine's Day and that is simply not true. It may feel a little lonely but it pretty much celebrates everyone you know; the people you love and the people who love you. Even those people who don't even talk to you and admire you from a far.

I trust that someday God will bring me to someone special but until then I celebrate by loving ALL of my friends and ALL of my family. I LOVE THEM ALL!!!

Everyone deserves to be loved. And Everyone needs to be, so if you feel like no one does I'd just like to say that I love you. I know that there are people I dislike, if ever they came to me in need of help, I would try my best to help them. So there. Soak this in people...


Things have gotten a little crazy recently and so I haven't had much time.

I need to do a lot of government homework...including my brief for my debate. (unfortunatley I must lie completley anti-immigrant....at least I'm not the group who has to fight for denial against global warning...Global warming can't be doing too many good things.)

.:bye:.