Frustrated

I wish all of my entries could be happy or funny or about trivial events that go on in my life but they can't all be so. Some do most unfortunately cover the bad things too. This is the warning that this isn't a happy one. I'm frustrated. For many reasons.

I'm frustrated because i can't keep my hands off of food and i don't know why. Because it keeps me overweight which makes me feel worse about myself.
Frustrated because i'm covered in acne. It won't go away and everyone else gets to have semi-perfect skin.
Frustrated because i go around telling other people that body image shouldn't matter yet i over judge myself. It shouldn't matter but I worry about what i look like all the time,
Frustrated because i'm not good at anything.
Frustrated because I can't find a normal job for the life of me. Stupid port job. At least its a job.
Frustrated because i'm sore and ache all over even when i'm not moving.
Frustrated because of a dream where i got raped over and over again. Waking up emotionally drained is horrible.

But just one thing really pushes me over the edge. Everything else is bearable most of the time but this last thing is the worst and has the biggest impact on me.
Frustrated because i'm in love with someone i can't be with. To have someone that makes you so happy and not have them at the same time is sooo hardd. I'm blessed that i have him in the first place. But no one has made me happier when i needed it the most. He was there for me when i didn't think i could go to anyone else. To be so emotionally drawn to someone and then be separated is torture. I did this to myself. I could have easily in so many places in our relationship have stopped it from growing into what it is now, but i didn't. I needed him and i always do. People tell me that i still have it easy and that i shouldn't be complaining but i don't careeeee. I'm GOING to complain. He makes me feel good about myself and loves every bit of me and he makes me happy. To not have enough time with him hurts and this is my greatest frustration.

I don't believe in the saying you can't truly love other people until you love yourself. I don't love myself 100%. Sure i'm comfortable with myself and love myself enough that i can function normally and not do anything rash or crazy but there are things about me that i don't love at all. So there, i don't love myself completely. Do I love my family? Yes. Do i love my amazing friends? Yes. Do I love my boyfriend? More than anything.
Its not a fake love or a false love or anything thats unhealthy. Its the goodness and happiness that they give to me that i wish for the rest of them. Therefore i do not have to love myself completely to truly love them because i do love them. So much.

So this one was a sappy one. But i'm human. And this is a way to help figure out what i'm actually feeling. And it helps.
This one was depressing i know and i apologize.

-Sappy sap sappy mag
byes